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  • I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

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    Old 05-31-2004, 11:21 AM   #1
    GOLDBERG
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    I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    Hi, im a english single male 29 from Cambridgeshire. ive suffered from depression since i was 17.I have been on meds for most of that time, had a short spell in hospital for my depression & nervous disorders.i dont have panic attacks now which is good! i am very down & fed up. i live a very lonely life in a rural community . i live with my parents.i work with my dad whos 60 & slowing down physically at his job. we are both bricklayers & builders & i have to do 70% of the work now.he cant afford to retire & i owe it to him to work so hard.im happy to do this its just so hard because i get so tired. i fall asleep after dinner & if im awake i just watch dvds or tv because im knackered. most weekends i just sleep! in fact its my hobby sleeping! i feel trapped. my life isnt making me happy or even content. my grandparents arent gonna see out the year & im upset because im very close to my family. they are disabled & dying & thats life that soon i will lose them.i saw them sat & they were like zombies. i have committed social suicide, i dont go out. i just work sleep & eat, i only really get to talk to family ( & i dont mean talk talk, i just mean chat). im lonely, i miss talking. my ex girlfriend broke my heart over a year ago & ive cut myself off socially. my best friend died in 1999 & i miss him dearly. ive accepted my ex fell outof love with me & i want to move forward. i want to be in a relationship again, to feel love, share& experience love.id dearly love to be married & raising a loving family of my own. i dont have any friends to talk to or to socialise with. i have no confidence at the mo & my self esteam is low.when i waswith my ex my life was so good.i had a future, something to look forward to. life at home for me is a bit like steptoe & son! i dont want to to live on own.along with my ambition of love & family life i dream of designing & building my own house in the country. i dearly woud love to meet someone,, i hope it happens......im a lovely fella just cant see what i have to offer someone what with my circumstances & depression.

     
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    Old 05-31-2004, 12:43 PM   #2
    jacqbu
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    Try to get out more socially and meet people. Join a church and get involved in a small group. Hang in there and pray.

     
    Old 05-31-2004, 01:36 PM   #3
    madjane
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    You don't say what happened when you were 17. Was it something specific that triggered depression and anxiety? I only ask, because I am a mother of kids in their twenties, so am just going to throw out some stuff and maybe there's something you can get hold of.

    My eldest daughter is also 29 and is a fine and functioning individual (not biased, am I?) but from time to time she gets filled with self-doubts. Many times she calls me and i play psychologist to her, trying to get her to realize that she is a whole person, that it is OK for a person to have doubts, to feel afraid of failure etc., but then having admitted these doubts and fears, they must move on. So i would say to you, firstly, confront all your fears, all your hopes and dreams for yourself - you want to build your own house - that is a wonderful ambition. I understand and admire you for sticking with your dad. Have you told him your ambition? Put it to him in such a way that he wouldn't think you want to ditch him for better things, but that he has taught you so much and now you want to make full use of that as a tribute to him and his teaching, by building you own house. Is the bricklaying busines your dad's? Maybe you can involve him in your dream - try it and see. Take that dream and break it down into simple, one-at-a-time steps, then figure out how you will attain each step. It's exciting planning but you are the only one who can make it happen.

    The death of a friend at your age is so sad and a terrible thing to cope with. Our own mortality is hard to accept. I am not a religious person, but if you belong to a church (I am assuming you are Christian - forgive me if I am presumptious. I am Jewish) maybe you could find some comfort there. have you talked about this with any church member? I confronted my own mortality after my mother died - after my dad died I was too involved with the care of my mother to think too much. After she died I realized I am "next off the edge" and that really threw me for a while. And the end of a relationship is always sad. I had my share of heartbreaks - some that really changed my life - before I met my husband - just felt like my world was falling apart. Then, on a couple of occasions I've watched while one or other of my kids has go9ne through the break-up of a really serious relationship and I've suffered all over again with them. But, hard as it is, please try and tell yorself that this was obviously not meant to be, better before marriage than after, as i tell my kids - and there IS someone out there for you.

    Socially try and join a club or some sort of activity, maybe even voluntary work, evening classes, a visit to the pub, maybe even just going for a walk with someone. You will not meet people sitting at home, but you WILL meet them if you go to places where there are people. And people lead you to more people. Remember, you are as good a person as the next, and probably better than many. You have something to offer, show interest in what people have to say and they will show interest in you, one thing will lead to another. Find one thing you can feel good about and that will give you confidence to dig deeper into yourself and find more, because you have it in you.

    Hope you don't think I've been lecturing you because that was far from my intent. I just read your post and heard a lot of my daughter on her down days and so have tried to talk to you like I talk to her. I really hope you will take that first little step - first step is always the hardest.

    Please try and good luck

    Madeleine

     
    Old 05-31-2004, 02:49 PM   #4
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    THANK YOU for replying. When i was 17 i just had my 1st nervous breakdown. the reason was never really discovered, i imagine at the time, it was just to hard changing from a schoolboy to a man ,leaving school, my dads drinking. this isnt something i dwell on now. my past is left behind me, i look forward to the future & present, but from time to time, events in my life make me lose sight of my dreams & nice things in life. the reason im down at the moment is because of the way i reacted when i recieved a letter from my ex about 3mths ago.just as i was getting her out of my mind she comes back & all feelings came backfor me, i got messed up & stopped going out, concentrated on work.she kind of dumped me twice because after contacting me to have me back in her life as a friend she got funny on me & told me she didnt want to know me! id really done nothing wrong - twice! that double rejection has hurt me deep. ive let her go her way & wish her the best but for me i want to start anew, im afraid though. meeting someone is going to be hard because my confidence is low & my trust in people has been damaged. i guess im afraid of getting hurt so i just stay home knowing thats the one place im safe. ive got to gain the courage to go out.i have cried myself to sleep lately because of my lonelyness. i do long to socialise ,when i have tried lately i just dont feel right, i feel i dont belong.i am usually the life of the party & crave the attention, now i kinda hide in the corner! its true im in one of my ruts. im just fed up of fighting my way out all the time. my ambition of building my own house will come true one day.finance is the only thing holding me back,hopefully withina few yearsi can start building my dream. my dad & i are self employed bricklayers,we are equal partners & i am quite ambitious about about the future on the business front. i will have to work real hard but im not afraid of work. i do need help understanding death as it is my biggest fear. my own mortality & my loved ones.i cant change it but im scared of facing death. i am going to try going to my slimmers world class wed, a room full of ladies of all ages & me! it would be nice if i could make 1 friend at these classes.i havnt been for 3mths

     
    Old 05-31-2004, 05:10 PM   #5
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    goldberg what was that the old timers use to say "gull blimey" - a room full of women your age? take you meds - and get out and mingle - don't try too hard - don't be all needy - and don't mention your ex until next year.

    you were hurt by ex twice? well you opened you heart and had hope - you gave her the benefit of doubt - nothing wrong with that - but let it go - have your thoughts but don't act on them - nothing you can do about her heart towards you - sometimes being too nice gets in the way of thinking proper. hurt number one comes and we think we can make it better if we can fix it so we get in the position for hurt number two.. which is okay as long as its not feeding on your soul after it comes.

    sounds like your a hard working young man who needs only one thing - to be in the proper place at the proper time to let love meet you - its out there and it has your name on it - but you have to believe in it and see it has its own time line on when its going to find you. so when your doing those tiers and using that level see that it takes time to build a good thing. it is good to feel the passage of time your grand parents your father - we all stand in line waiting for our turn - fear of death? eventually the reality to death is this - it will take care of itself. like the bible says "don't concern yourself with tomorrow when theres enough to be concerned with today" we all fear death because we don't know what to expect - but remember those that have experienced death and come back mostly report it wasn't too bad and many wish they could have just stayed where ever they was because it felt good - safe - secure - loving - I knew a guy who died (shot in the gut with a 357) and he said he felt like he was really dying and he was terrified - and as he lost consciousness it was like he was standing in the ocean and the waves were getting higher and higher and he was fighting to get a breath of air and he was terrified - and finally he just couldnt get any air (and he was code blueing at that moment in the hospital) then he said the terror receded and the world receded and the anger in him and the guilt in him all receded until he felt warm and comfortable - no light- total blackness - but safe blackenss and the feeling he was safe and wouldn't mind being just like that for a million years - well they gave him shocks and got him back alive and his first word was "NO" and he swung out at those around him because they had pulled him back from there... so in real time it was only a few minutes and he had gone from terrified of death to not wanting to come back from it..

    I know someone elses story don't keep the rest of us from having to face the terror if we are so inclined to feel it but thinking in terms of time - the actually crossing over only takes a moment or two - then its done.. I think the greater fear would be in what comes next - what have we done in life how have we lived it and how that effects outcome - luke 12:5 - But I will show you whom you should fear: fear him who. after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes I tell you, fear him.
    sounds drastic - but maybe thats why we suffer now as we do because the stakes are high - and I only write this to you because it sounds like your doing a good job of living a giving life - and giving of yourself to others so maybe death isn't something you should fear at all.. educate yourself in matters of death - how the different religions and philosophies talk about it and from that gain discernment in you own heart and wisdom for self will come. find the most peace that you can and try to hang onto it. - don't talk about this either at your room full of women you age deal either - talk about puppies and manchester united - no only kidding - just be yourself and let the moment decide the words that come out..

    Last edited by enoch; 05-31-2004 at 05:18 PM.

     
    Old 06-01-2004, 12:45 AM   #6
    madjane
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    Yep, I agree wholeheartedly with enoch. Certainly you don't need this woman in your life. When she tries to contact you, BE STRONG - tell her in no uncertain terms that you do not want her and she should never contact you again. Try not to let her feel your uncertainnties - she will only play on them to suit herself. I know that's hard, when you hear a person's voice or read something from them, all the old wounds and longings come flooding back. But you are bigger than that. If she is like this now - just think how much worse it would be if you were married to her. Get past her.

    Go for your slimmer's class. The only male? That must be every man's dream come true!! The older ones might try to mother you (maybe they have daughters?) and the younger ones might just go for you! Don't talk about your problems, talk about anything that interests you, anything you like. Do it - and post after tomorrow to tell us how it was.

    Yes, as i said, death of a loved one is so hard to come to terms with, and you have your ailing grandparents as well. Maybe you could see a bereavment counsellor? You do not have to be alone in dealing with your fears and a counsellor can help put them in perspective for you. And Goldberg, when your number comes up, then there is nothing we can do, that's why we have to make the most of this life while we are able - and as a tribute to the many who cannot get out and about to do just that.

    Do it Goldberg, you have it in you.
    Madeleine

    Last edited by madjane; 06-01-2004 at 12:45 AM.

     
    Old 06-01-2004, 10:16 AM   #7
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    hi,goldberg i am in the exact same shoes as u,me and my wife split temporarily because she was drinking too much,then we got back but she decided she wanted to move to north cariolina and i coulndnt (owning a house,and work for family business)she said she wanted to remain friends and i said thats too hard for my depression and anxiety.so she left a month ago and after about three weelks or so i start to feel better and go talk to people then she calls and bam all the anxiety and depression is back for a week or two.i also quit smoking a few months ago and that has made my depression worse.its like she was the ******* who left me hanging with this anxiety and depression,i begged her to stay to no avail.i look at it as she doesnt love me.i am with u bro,it will get better.justin

     
    Old 06-03-2004, 01:09 PM   #8
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    I want to thank you all for writting to me, it means alot. I am happier in a sence i now know there are still good people out there,who care & are selfless.its kinda restored my faith in humanity. ive been ill with a bad miagraine ( which can put me in bed for 4days.) i didnt get to my class this week but im going next week & every week after, im going to mingle & make friends. maybe i will find some one special, time will tell, but i now believe im worthy of having friends again due to the kindness ive been shown on this board. thank you guys. i will still work hard but i must find some time for fun! something that my life has been lacking! hang in there justin, stay quit smoking, i was quit for 3months & i gave in due to my ex. now ive got to start over again, all my hard work out the window. thank you again for caring. take care everyone. Nigel

     
    Old 06-04-2004, 03:09 PM   #9
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    Hey there Nigel: In this day and age, you are an honest, hard-working man...quite a gem. You are indeed worthy of friends, a life, and a good mate to see this life through with you.
    As for your grandparents...it's their time. Accept the gifts they've given you, the bits of wisdom and strength, and let them go. I lost my grandfather in '92, and I realised after his passing just how much of a presence he was in my life. Easier said than done, true, but what choice do you have? There is only so much we can control on this earth (I sound like my mum!!!!!!)
    Take pride in the fact that you are a part of a noble profession, that you have endured, and that you have given that woman three chances: the first time you met, the first time you broke up, and the second time she tried to paly you for a fool. She obviously realised what she'd given up, but tried to keep her eye on "greener pastures." Well, I sure hope she enjoys her pasture...the cow!!
    Keep strong. Take care!
    Dawn

     
    Old 06-04-2004, 05:35 PM   #10
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    OMG... I see so much of me in you... You have no idea
    9 months ago I lost my "kinda" fiance (how I like to call him), my best friend in the world. He died in a motorcycle accident, so it was a shock. One day he was proposing, I owed him an answer and the next BUM, he was gone for good... Losing someone so close leaving things so open is really hard to cope.... I didn't yet... I fell into depression, I'm doing A LOT better now, but I still could not (and I don't know when I'll be able to) let him know... he's still in every little decision I have to make...
    I think you know what I'm talking about, losing a best friend is one of the hardest things we do, because... it's something you never expect to happen... sudenly.. I had no future, no road ahead of me, nothing to look forward to... you know what I mean?
    But... last February, my sister drag me out of my bed and took me to a reunion with her friends and I met amazing people... I met a very special guy... he's now into the so "VIP" cyrcle of best friends to me now... we tell each other everything, BUT I do understand how hard it is to open up again. For example, he does not know anything about what happened last year... I try not to talk about this topic much because I know it affects people and the way they see me... so I think I'll talk with him about it in a future...
    Look, your fear is to get hurt again. My fear is to love someone and lose him... even when I do it everything right, it doesn't matter, I'll lose him anyway... So, I understand when you say it's hard, but it's hard for all of us, we have different fears, and they affect us in different ways too... I don't know if this is stopping you, it does stop me, I don't wanna fall in love, I don't wanna love and I don't want to be loved at all... you know? It's like... I'm ok now, let's not complicate my life, let me go on with school (I promised him I would get my degree so I wouldn't leave school for ANYTHING in the world) and let me survive... I know there could be something (someone I mean) out there who could make my life shine... you know? But I don't care, I don't want it now... I'm surviving and that's all it matters to me now...

    Look, I know it's hard, and it doesn't matter what we say in here, I mean... when I came here several months ago when I was in my darkest moments, and people would say "I know it's hard but everything will get better" and stuff like that I remember I used to think they didn't understand me at all... But it does... I learned to survive... Hopefuly someday I'll live, you know... and I guess if I could do it, then anyone can...
    Take care and let us know how you're doing... there's wonderful people in here...

    Sol
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    Old 06-05-2004, 11:25 AM   #11
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    thanks for the boost to my ego Dawn, also im real lucky to be outta it anyway,like everyone has conviced me.i just pity the poor sod who stumbles across the cow in her pasture & gets the unfortunate job of milking her! mooooooooooo

     
    Old 06-05-2004, 11:44 AM   #12
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    SOL i really feel for you. losing him must have cut right through you . i can fully understand you being afraid to love again. i was when all said & done rejected, betrayed which is tough to swallow but you where robbed of your lover by an accident which cruelly took him from you. i cant imagine the pain of that it must be awful. im glad your doing better & have made a good friend. your very brave & i hope you do well at college. things happen which we cant control. i lost my best friend to illness & i miss him every day. that was 5years ago. when im working i wish i was working with him, when i hear a song we liked i think of him, i see him in my mind, smiling at me, when im out for a drink i feel him with me & picture him dancing with me by my side when im dancing.to me he was family.its sad but its life, its hard to deal with. you lost your lover, your path way on life. i lost my best friend & met someone who in the end rejected me.pain comes in many forms. i take heart from when your sister draged you out. i guess we all have to move on & deal with things as best as we can. i will meet someone oneday. i know how it feels to have lost meaning to life,to just survive & i pray both of us can one day know the beauty of living again. take care nigel

     
    Old 07-27-2004, 09:48 AM   #13
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    scary but true, I met my fiance on the net, my brother met his wife on the net. I think it gives people a bit of time to get to know each other just chatting.

     
    Old 07-27-2004, 10:13 AM   #14
    thicky
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by foofoo65
    scary but true, I met my fiance on the net, my brother met his wife on the net. I think it gives people a bit of time to get to know each other just chatting.
    Yeppers... The internet is GREAT for getting to know the person, atleast on the intellectual side

     
    Old 08-08-2004, 06:19 PM   #15
    messy
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    Re: I FEEL SO ALONE, LOST & LONELY,PLEASE HELP

    Hi Nigel

    Just wanted to greet you again and send my best wishes your way even if I cant offer anything particularly more helpful, or cant add to what these guys have already said. You said some lovely and inspiring things in response to my 1st post and I wont ever forget that- if you remember me, Im the UK girl who hardly ever gets out the house, (the life of a useless, degenerating freak- if that helps ring a bell) lol. So I want you to know that I care so much for you too and your kind words to me will never go astray. *Hug
    I know Im a few years your junior of course, but pleeeeease believe me in that I share your sense of absolute loneliness and abandonment, sometimes its beyond unbearable. Your post seemed to scream out above all, that whats really killing you at the mo is the lack of love and someone to share your life with- especially after your ex has devastated you so much and the death of your friend.Thats on top of all the usual agonising problems of course-maybe if you had someone that you love with you, side by side those things wouldnt seem so awful. Its so hurtful to hear that youre cryin yourself to sleep, and that your ex has split your existing wounds to bits by writing to you again. I dont want to dis someone I dont know, but it does seem as if she has no idea what she's done to you by toying with your emotions so much. Just leaving you alone, I should imagine, would have been much better in the long run. I wont pretend to know the whole situation of course. I know its too easy to say Ďjust get over her and move oní etc, even if ultimately you know thatís what you need to do for your own sake. Romantic loveís such a funny thing eh, youíd think it was just a word and simple everyday thing for everyone in the world, yet it really can make or break a person. If you still have thoughts of her whizzing round your brain, maybe you could send her a letter back? Just to let her know how bad youíre feeling, just to get it all out or to let her know how her contacting you again has made you feel. I dunno, that might make you feel even worse though, just a suggestion, Ive really no idea when it comes to romance. (Sorry)! I can only empathize with the loneliness you feel, knowing only too well how the social fear makes it seem impossible to meet someone. It really hurts when you see couples everywhere hugging n kissing in public. The number of times Ive been invited out with coupled friends and been the only one there thatís single, always makes you think theres something wrong with you. There isnít though, as you said yourself, youre a lovely bloke, and Im not too bad myself- lol. (OMG did I really just say that)?! It hurts like hell but Im sure our negative thinking about ourselves and the social anxiety is always a massive obstacle. If I ever find out where you have to go and what you have to do to meet some decent, caring people-Ill let you know! Personally Ive only ever met sleazeballs!
    Damn there really is so much more I wanted to say, about your best friend, about the social fear etc. Maybe I should save it for another post so this wont be too long. Id love to be able to chat by e mail but I think its against the rules to post that here; Ill have to come up with somethin ingenious lol. I know this post of yours isn't new, just I havent been posting for a while cos of some hellish stuff of my own so Im a bit behind. Im in Southampton btw which isnt TOO far from you I dont think? Who knows, maybe one day we'll end up meeting in a pub for a damn good chat! For now, my best wishes are with you, do take care

    love michelle

     
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