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Can you ever wake from the nightmare??


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Old 07-03-2004, 12:14 AM   #1
Ninispjc
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Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

I'm not sure if this belongs on this board or the relationship board, but I feel more comfortable posting on this board, and I guess the powers that be will move it if appropriate. But, here goes...

Let's face it, this society values family, very very highly. Having been single for all these years and working in various fields and various situations, I've worked enough holidays to know. In fact, this Sunday, while all my co-workers will be off with their husbands, wives and children enjoying picnics, water parks, fireworks displays and fun, I'll be working a 16-hour day, because being single and childless, my life has no value and no meaning or worth other than the hours I can put in for people who actually have real lives worth living. Then when you say you're sad because you don't have a husband, someone to share your life with, you're slapped on the wrist and chastised for not being the so-called strong independent woman and shouting "men are optional, I complete myself" blah blah blah. Well, then, if having a husband is no big deal, why don't some of these married women want to spend at least one holiday working so maybe I can spend some time with my parents and brothers and friends? My parents won't be around much longer and I'd like some quality time with them, but that's not seen as important. Not like a husband and children are. It's all a cow puckies double standard. Let's be honest, being single sucks. It totally sucks not having a hand to hold, someone to laugh with, take walks with, someone to cuddle up with at night, wake up with every morning, eat dinner with, share your life with. How do you begin to be ok with being alone when every fiber in your being tells you it's a nightmare? How do you begin to fill up that hole in your heart that burns and freezes at the same time, and hurts so bad you can't even breathe sometimes. You come home to an emty apartment with no one to talk to and the quiet echoes so loud. You busy yourself as much as you can but it still eats away at the back of your brain, "you're alone. No one loves you." You volunteer, go to church, join clubs and groups, you go out to cubs and bars, try to socialize to the best of your ability, chat, flirt, laugh, talk, etc. but you still go home alone, and the years go by and your life is half over while you were waiting for it to start. How do you even begin to be ok with knowing you'll never have a life partner, never share your life with someone who loves you enough to devote his life to being your partner, the fulfillment and joy of raising children, how do you be ok with never being what most people mean when they say "happy": married with children? It feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. Will I really ache like this for the rest of my life?

 
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Old 07-03-2004, 07:39 AM   #2
kajiee
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

I may not be the right person to reply to you but hear me out !

I have 2 divorces and 6 children, and now a long term partner.

I never looked for a person in my life, I am a strong beliver that if you don't look it will come to you.

Try ! Don't keep endlessly looking.

Try and just live your life anyway, go to the movies, go out anyway. It will come along when you are not looking and least expect it !!!!!!!!!!

The years I was on my own I was happy to be on my own and very independant I needed no one and nothing from anyone. It just came, give it a try. I know it is hard, one day the perfect person will fall in your lap !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 07-03-2004, 09:19 PM   #3
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

What can I say, Nini, I'm in the same boat as you. It sucks, mos def! I think part of my problem is that this thing is a vicious circle--I'm depressed that I don't have anyone and then the depression weighs me down so much that I probably give off a negative vibe subconciously. You know, some of us are constantly looking at the glass half empty. Even when we know better, we just can't seem to help it. This loneliness is so crushing that we can't move from under it's weight. I try to be out there too. Going out with the few friends I have left that aren't married, dating sites, the gym...it never seems to happen to me.

I know what you saying about how single people are treated too. ESPECIALLY women. After a certain age, if you're not married and have kids you are a loser freak in this society. I'm not trying to be negative but it gets extremely difficult to find a place and a purpose in this world. I wish I could say I'm satisfied in my career but I ain't exactly curing cancer. Life just isn't that fufilling--I don't know what to do with myself.

We just have to keep fighting. In little ways. I'm trying to shake this aura of desperation off of me, so some menfolk will come a calling, haha! It's not hopeless yet. I absolutely refuse to give up because I know someone is out there for me--I will die trying to find love.

 
Old 07-03-2004, 11:19 PM   #4
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

Quote:
Originally Posted by kajiee
I never looked for a person in my life, I am a strong beliver that if you don't look it will come to you.

Try ! Don't keep endlessly looking.

Try and just live your life anyway, go to the movies, go out anyway. It will come along when you are not looking and least expect it !!!!!!!!!!
I know it is hard, one day the perfect person will fall in your lap !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the advice. I feel though like I've been doing that for the last 6 years. Now with 40 coming crushing on my head like an anvil, I realize my 20s are gone, my 30s will be gone in half a year, and I didn't really get to enjoy any of it. I've traveled, and yeah, I've done some things that most people would think was pretty cool and I'm glad for the experiences, but I'd trade everything I've done on my own for the last 10 years to just have someone. When I think about my ex and his wife and their life together, it kills me. She wasn't even divorced a year when she hooked up with my ex. Is she so much better than me, so superior a person that she gets to find love with my ex, she gets all the love, respect, attentiveness, I didn't deserve, and she didn't even have to wait for it. Less than a year! I've been alone for 6 years. My childbearing years are gone, I'm at the age where it's statistically easier to get hit by a bolt of lightning than it is to find love. It just hurts to know that for some reason, God doesn't think I deserve to be happy, and I don't know why. And I don't know how to be ok with it, because for me, to never find love, to never marry and have kids, there's simply nothing ok about that.

 
Old 07-04-2004, 06:41 AM   #5
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

Your child bearing years are not over! There are women here who have strong healthy babies well into their forties and they are mature and settled enough to give these children an incredible parent. I agree with Kaji, it is unimportant to search for a partner sometimes... I met my last husband in a grocery store... not paying attention to where I was going, I ran into his cart. I was not going to even date anyone anymore at the time because I enjoyed life on my own and I was interested in a consistant lifestyle for my son. We had a good ten years and then a few drifty ones... the children left the nest and without them, we had little in common after all... a cliche of sorts.

It is true... life happens when you are making other plans. Follow your interests and please yourself the best you can. It could be anyday now when you are walking along, minding your own business, and you trip on a crack in the sidewalk and your privacy is gone, forever. You are a ripe luscious fruit just now entering the prime of life. The next ten years are going to be incredible. Believe this. If organic farming interests you, I have a brother......

 
Old 07-04-2004, 08:14 AM   #6
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

Quote:
Originally Posted by belize
You are a ripe luscious fruit just now entering the prime of life. The next ten years are going to be incredible. Believe this. If organic farming interests you, I have a brother......
LOL!! A ripe luscious fruit! Well, I have to admit, I never quite thought of myself as luscious in any way. Organic farming, huh? A possiblility, but I'll have to think about that one...

It's just really really hard trying to enjoy life when there's something you want so back you ache for it with every fiber of your being and you have to let day after day and year after year without it. I guess there's really nothing to do but hope you're right, and trust that when I'm ready and when the time is right, I'll find someone. It's just that I've already missed out on so much in life. If I have to waste anymore time not getting to be happy, it's hard to keep waiting, and it gets hard to see the point of it all.

 
Old 07-04-2004, 01:39 PM   #7
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

I understand wanting to find love. But before I get into that, I think you should request holidays off from work. Spending time with your parents and brothers is just as legitimate as spending time with a spouse and children, so on Thanksgiving, remind the Powers That Be that you worked on the 4th of July and need to be put at the top of the list for having Thanksgiving off. Don't "give in" and work holidays more often than your coworkers. Everyone in the "office" should take turns working holidays, but you have to ask for what you want at work to have any chance of getting it (my workplace is the same way.)

A lot of people say that if you stop looking for love, it will find you. This is true for some people, but it has never been true for me. Online-personals have been very successful for a number of my family (even resulting in marriages), so consider putting an ad on as many sites as you can find, and post your photo! This will put your ad at the top of the list and attract the men who consider you their "type." Then look at what you wrote in your ad objectively and really consider if it needs any changes. Read the ads by men and see if there are any you want to respond to. Which ads turn you OFF, and why? Is there anything similar in YOUR ad that might be preventing men from responding? Remember, you want to discuss your interests and describe yourself without sounding either "full of yourself" or as if you're putting yourself down. You also want to sound open-minded, so different men will feel comfortable responding. Maybe you could post on the relationships board what you put in your ad, and people could make suggestions. Now is not the time to be shy! Also, look for the personal ad sites that are still free or that have something to do with your interests (for example, there are sites specifically for vegetarians, etc.) You'll have to be really organized and keep a list of your user-names and passwords for each site, check your emails regularly, and repost your ad to each site every few months (I think a lot of sites only keep them posted for 90 days.) And, of course, review each site regularly for someone you'd like to start emailling.

Once you start meeting men, you want to be open-minded, but be very careful. There are dangerous people mixed in with the good. Build your friendships/relationships slowly, don't take someone back to your place or go to his until you're sure he can be trusted, and don't be so open-minded that you keep dating someone who your heart tells you is "bad news." I'm only saying this because I've done it myself. Lonliness can make us stupid, so remember to be smart.

Another thing that has worked for people I know: make a list of the qualities you are looking for in a man. Read the list once each day and meditate on it for a few minutes. Tell yourself you deserve this kind of love and you are ready to receive it when the time is right.

You do deserve love, and don't let anyone tell you to just be happy single. But realize you ARE a valid person who deserves happiness and can be happy while you're still looking. I don't know what else to say except I know how horrible lonliness feels, and hang in there!

 
Old 07-04-2004, 06:33 PM   #8
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

ILR (by the way, why do you like rats???), thanks for the advice. As far as asking for holidays off, unfortunately, I'm part time, I have two part-time jobs, and this one, it's my job to work fill-in and cover for the full-time people for holidays. I just wish I could get a full-time gig, but I just can't seem to land one. And I also haven't had much luck in the online dating department. I signed up for eharmony.com and spent over $100 for about 4 months and actually talked with 5 or 6 guys that seemed like possibilities. But when it came time to arrange a meeting, they all disappeared in one way or another. I actually did meet one guy for coffee. Even though he got the name of the place wrong and coiuldn't eve tell me exactly where it was, and that's a pretty big pet peeve of mine, a man that can't be certain about the plans he's made on a date and makes me flounder around trying to find the place, I decided to still be open-minded. When I met him, he didn't look nearly as good as his picture, but I still decided to be open-minded and I laughed, joked, listened, asked about his work, etc. etc. and after about 40 minutes, he told me he had met someone else through eharomony, even though on the phone he told me he hadn't met anyone in particular, and he wanted to pursue that, and I never heard from him again. $100-some bucks is a lot of money for those kind of results. I don't think it's my looks. I'm not really pretty, but I'm fairly decent looking. And I don't know how I could have been more friendly or open or a better listener. Two of my ex's friends have told me that he was crazy to have let me go and his wife doesn't hold a candle to me, though they were probably just being nice to me. I don't know, I don't have a lot of faith in any sort of dating services. I've tried a few of them, and never even got a second date out of anyone I met through them. Meeting my ex was so easy, I met him through a mutual friend, and we just clicked as soon as we met and talked. But I was young and inexperienced and screwed things up, now some other woman gets the nice house, a sweet, loving wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters that could have been mine if I hadn't been so stupid. I really believed he was my soulmate, but now I'm not sure if there's even such a thing. Maybe we all just do the best we can with what we have in front of us. Maybe we decide to love someone, rather than just fall in love. For now, I guess I'll just keep plugging on, though it's hard to imagine ever forgiving myself for messing my life up so badly, and it's hard to imagine ever meeting anyone else I connect with even half as much.

 
Old 07-06-2004, 01:16 PM   #9
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

I've never worked anywhere that had a set of rules stating that you can only take off holidays if you're married w/ children. Why can't you take time off on holidays? Do you feel guilty for asking? Do you go to your boss and say I want 4th of July off and he says "sorry, you're single, you have to come to work". Sounds like you're just resentful of married woman with families and blaming them for your feeling sorry for yourself. I can't hardly believe that your boss only lets the married woman off on the holidays. I would imagine that seniority would be the rule in most places.

Anyway, my suggestion would be to STOP feeling sorry for yourself, and start being positive and tell yourself constantly that you WILL find someone. You really need to just STOP the pitty party because people are going to pick up on your negativity and that could be why you're not attracting anyone to you. If you believe you won't meet anyone and you're going to be alone the rest of your life you probably won't meet anyone and with that attitude you could be very much repelling people from even approaching you.

Sorry to be harsh. Just my opinion.

 
Old 07-06-2004, 02:09 PM   #10
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver Lining
I've never worked anywhere that had a set of rules stating that you can only take off holidays if you're married w/ children. Why can't you take time off on holidays? Do you feel guilty for asking? Do you go to your boss and say I want 4th of July off and he says "sorry, you're single, you have to come to work". Sounds like you're just resentful of married woman with families and blaming them for your feeling sorry for yourself. I can't hardly believe that your boss only lets the married woman off on the holidays. I would imagine that seniority would be the rule in most places.
No, it's more complex than that. As I explained in my previous post, I work two part-time jobs, and one of my part-time jobs is working fill-in for the full-time people. It's just happenstance that most of the fill-in people are married. I've asked for holidays off before, for example, I actually had plans for New Year's Eve, so I wanted to make sure I had it off, but it was really hard because yes, my boss does tell me "well, you know, the holidays is when we need our part-time people to step up and fill in for the full time people who go on vacation" I had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in order to get New Year's Eve off, and if memory serves, I think I worked New Year's Day as well. So it's not just that I'm single, it's part of my job to work holidays. There is another woman who works part time fill in as well and she's a newlywed, and she works holidays on occassion too, but can usually find someone else to fill in on holidays because she has a husband who also has a job, so she's not alone in paying rent, food, bills, car expenses, etc. so she doesn't need the money as badly as I do, so I also can't always afford to take every holiday off like she can because she has two incomes and I only have one. So there's a whole dynamic at work there. But I also worked retail sales for 4 years and the married women with children did in fact get preferential treatment as far as holidays off, especially Mother's Day. "Well, she's got kids, and she wanted to spend mother's day with her family." Did you also ever see the movie While You Were Sleeping with Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman? Sandra plays a young single Chicagoan working in a subway toll booth. Her parents died and she had no family, and she developed a crush on a young man who taked the subway every day. One day her boss comes to her and offers to make her employee of the month as a round about way of asking her to work Christmas even though she had just worked Thanksgiving. He tells her "Look, Viola's sick and so-and-so can't make it because she's got some big family thing, and I promised my kids I'd be there for them this Christmas. I know it isn't fair and I can't make you do it, but Lucy, you're the only one..." and she finished the sentence for him..."...without family." You obviously have no idea how commonplace this is in many professions that are open for business on holidays. Sometimes you're not even given the option to say no. If you are, and you do, and someone with a family has to work because you wanted the day off, believe me, there are repercssions. The fact is, whether you want to face it or not, there is a certain prejudice against single people when it comes to things like that. Everyone from Oprah to 20/20 to The View has even done shows about it. Do I resent this? You're darned right I do, as do a lot of other singletons I know, and I make no apologies for it. But there it is. I can't help it if you refuse to acknowledge that the issue exists.

As far as my own pity party, I do go out, and when I socialize with people, of course I don't talk about this type of thing. My demeanor of course is going to be much different while I'm discussing my most heart-wrenching feelings on a depression discussion board than it is when I'm out with acquaintances in a social setting. My point is there comes a time in every adult's life when you have to grow up and face the facts that you simply aren't going to have certain things in your life. Not everyone gets to be an astronaut or a ballarina or a princess or a cowboy. And not everyone gets to be happily married. I have accepted the fact that I will never get to be married and be happy. My issue is not how to meet someone, because it's pretty clear to me given my history, that I won't go into now, that that's never going to happen. I mean, any reasonable person knows that there comes a time when faith becomes blind hope. How long am I supposed to go on believing that I can still get married and have children of my own someday? 45? 50? 60? Don't you think it'd be just a little ridiculous for a 50 year old woman to be saying "well, I'm not giving up. I know someday I'll meet someone and have a wonderful spring white wedding and have our first house together and have babies..." Am I really expected to buy that? My issue is: How do you go on with life knowing you will never have the very things that make life worth living? How do you go on as the days and weeks and years pass and you get older and older and you feel the constant pain in your chest like someone's sitting on you and know that your life will never have meaning, and you will never get to really be happy? I'm not sure anyone has an answer to that.

Last edited by Ninispjc; 07-06-2004 at 02:18 PM.

 
Old 07-06-2004, 02:18 PM   #11
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

So many replies... My mind is mush and I cannot read them all

I have been married, divorced and now in a serious relationship again... I have 3 kids from my past marriage and a step-son in my current relationship... I knew the kid since he was 8 months old, now he is 5...

But the deal is for ME...

I DREAM of a day sometimes where I can come home to nothing, nobody... Sometimes I feel that is the best thing to do...

I am also a work-a-holic, but you NEED TO TAKE TIME OFF WORK to you WHAT YOU GOTTA DO... I mean I had 5 weeks of vacation carried over from previous 2 years... I took 1 week of vacation in almost 3 years...

My boss thinks I am insane...

Eitherway... someone said, LOVE WILL COME TO YOU... I will agree with that line and let it be... Because it has for me... I did not LOOK, I just LIVED and watched my life unfold infront of me...

Accepting the theory that it will EVENTUALLY APPEAR is hard, but hey... What else can ya do!?

 
Old 07-06-2004, 02:35 PM   #12
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

Quote:
Originally Posted by thicky

I am also a work-a-holic, but you NEED TO TAKE TIME OFF WORK to you WHAT YOU GOTTA DO... I mean I had 5 weeks of vacation carried over from previous 2 years... I took 1 week of vacation in almost 3 years...

My boss thinks I am insane...

Eitherway... someone said, LOVE WILL COME TO YOU... I will agree with that line and let it be... Because it has for me... I did not LOOK, I just LIVED and watched my life unfold infront of me...

Accepting the theory that it will EVENTUALLY APPEAR is hard, but hey... What else can ya do!?
I think you're insane, too!! But seriously, no, I don't think there really is anything else I can do. Just try to keep my nose clean, be the best person I know how to be and have faith that my life is how God wants it to be. I don't have to understand it, I don't have to like it, but for some reason, it's how He wants it to be. What else CAN ya do?

 
Old 07-06-2004, 02:54 PM   #13
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
I think you're insane, too!! But seriously, no, I don't think there really is anything else I can do. Just try to keep my nose clean, be the best person I know how to be and have faith that my life is how God wants it to be. I don't have to understand it, I don't have to like it, but for some reason, it's how He wants it to be. What else CAN ya do?
Having FAITH is hard enough, atleast you can keep a mind sane enough to have faith in God... Good stuff

Hang in there is ALL YOU CAN DO

 
Old 07-06-2004, 03:31 PM   #14
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Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninispjc
No, it's more complex than that. As I explained in my previous post, I work two part-time jobs, and one of my part-time jobs is working fill-in for the full-time people. It's just happenstance that most of the fill-in people are married. I've asked for holidays off before, for example, I actually had plans for New Year's Eve, so I wanted to make sure I had it off, but it was really hard because yes, my boss does tell me "well, you know, the holidays is when we need our part-time people to step up and fill in for the full time people who go on vacation" I had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in order to get New Year's Eve off, and if memory serves, I think I worked New Year's Day as well. So it's not just that I'm single, it's part of my job to work holidays. There is another woman who works part time fill in as well and she's a newlywed, and she works holidays on occassion too, but can usually find someone else to fill in on holidays because she has a husband who also has a job, so she's not alone in paying rent, food, bills, car expenses, etc. so she doesn't need the money as badly as I do, so I also can't always afford to take every holiday off like she can because she has two incomes and I only have one. So there's a whole dynamic at work there. But I also worked retail sales for 4 years and the married women with children did in fact get preferential treatment as far as holidays off, especially Mother's Day. "Well, she's got kids, and she wanted to spend mother's day with her family." Did you also ever see the movie While You Were Sleeping with Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman? Sandra plays a young single Chicagoan working in a subway toll booth. Her parents died and she had no family, and she developed a crush on a young man who taked the subway every day. One day her boss comes to her and offers to make her employee of the month as a round about way of asking her to work Christmas even though she had just worked Thanksgiving. He tells her "Look, Viola's sick and so-and-so can't make it because she's got some big family thing, and I promised my kids I'd be there for them this Christmas. I know it isn't fair and I can't make you do it, but Lucy, you're the only one..." and she finished the sentence for him..."...without family." You obviously have no idea how commonplace this is in many professions that are open for business on holidays. Sometimes you're not even given the option to say no. If you are, and you do, and someone with a family has to work because you wanted the day off, believe me, there are repercssions. The fact is, whether you want to face it or not, there is a certain prejudice against single people when it comes to things like that. Everyone from Oprah to 20/20 to The View has even done shows about it. Do I resent this? You're darned right I do, as do a lot of other singletons I know, and I make no apologies for it. But there it is. I can't help it if you refuse to acknowledge that the issue exists.

As far as my own pity party, I do go out, and when I socialize with people, of course I don't talk about this type of thing. My demeanor of course is going to be much different while I'm discussing my most heart-wrenching feelings on a depression discussion board than it is when I'm out with acquaintances in a social setting. My point is there comes a time in every adult's life when you have to grow up and face the facts that you simply aren't going to have certain things in your life. Not everyone gets to be an astronaut or a ballarina or a princess or a cowboy. And not everyone gets to be happily married. I have accepted the fact that I will never get to be married and be happy. My issue is not how to meet someone, because it's pretty clear to me given my history, that I won't go into now, that that's never going to happen. I mean, any reasonable person knows that there comes a time when faith becomes blind hope. How long am I supposed to go on believing that I can still get married and have children of my own someday? 45? 50? 60? Don't you think it'd be just a little ridiculous for a 50 year old woman to be saying "well, I'm not giving up. I know someday I'll meet someone and have a wonderful spring white wedding and have our first house together and have babies..." Am I really expected to buy that? My issue is: How do you go on with life knowing you will never have the very things that make life worth living? How do you go on as the days and weeks and years pass and you get older and older and you feel the constant pain in your chest like someone's sitting on you and know that your life will never have meaning, and you will never get to really be happy? I'm not sure anyone has an answer to that.

Interesting. I still don't buy the married with with children have the priority over vacation time, that's just your angry blaming excuse for feeling the way you do because you did "choose" to work in places that work on holidays and the fact you're stuck working during them you are blaming society for it when in real actuality it's your choice.

Anyway, that's beside the major point in your problem. By you saying you will never be happy and never get what you want is a shame, because you have 10 years of your life in front of you and you have no idea what the outcome is. You may walk off your front porch and bump into him tomorrow! You dont' know what the future holds but you also have to realize that we can sabatog the very thing we want most because we are obsessed with the idea.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is DON'T give up. I know it's been long years alone but maybe you needed those years a lone to turn introspective and find things out about yourself. Who knows really but my point is, DON'T give up on yourself.

Also, trust me hon, relationships don't make you happy. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Sure you'll love cuddling up to someone or having someone there in the house to talk to but that person is not going to fill your void in your life. Yes, it's VERY comforting to have someone to love and when you meet someone it will be bliss at first but relationshps are VERY difficult.

Anyway, try to search deeply to steer your focus off of "wanting" "needing" feeling "desperate" to be with someone because you're "running" out of time. Meditate, delve deep into what excites you, what thrills you. Learn something new!! While making choices to continue to do new things (hobbies) (AVOID THE BARS)...get into photography or a writing class...dont' EXPECT to meet anyone. Just go and become friends with people, guys AND girls...get into networking with these people not in the hopes to find a man but to gain friendships. If you're out doing things that you enjoy to do you'll have more of a chance meeting someone on a friendship level that could in turn turn into something more. Dating sux, blind dating sux, searching sux, it's exhausting and it brings you down. But meeting friends that could be potential mates is a different story. Try it. But don't expect or think anything will come out of it. Just be yourself and tap into a creative part of yourself while doing it. That alone could make you feel more fullfilled.

I know what you want. And it's not too late, you're just going to be a late bloomer. And fate isn't directing your life, you are, YOU make everything happen. Don't give up!

 
Old 07-06-2004, 04:10 PM   #15
Ninispjc
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Western USA
Posts: 1,758
Ninispjc HB User
Re: Can you ever wake from the nightmare??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver Lining
Interesting. I still don't buy the married with with children have the priority over vacation time, that's just your angry blaming excuse for feeling the way you do because you did "choose" to work in places that work on holidays and the fact you're stuck working during them you are blaming society for it when in real actuality it's your choice.
I'm not sure what you're saying here. I guess you're telling me you think I'm lying about my experiences. Well, like I said, I can't help if you refuse to acknowledge this issue exists, not just for me but for millions of singles. Your not "buying" it doesn't make it any less true. I've discussed this issue with many different singles who have experienced the same thing, and seen many different news stories and feature shows done on this topic. I think it's a shame that your own issues keep you from having any empathy at all for the millions of people who've experienced this. I'm not "blaming" anyone, I'm just stating how thing are. I truly envy you, though. You must live some sort of really charmed life if you've always gotten your dream job, and you've never had to take a job that you really didn't want at the time. Your situation is pretty rare, I think. And these days, it's hard to find a job that doesn't require some hours beyond m-f 8-5 and every holiday off. Though I guess it's a trade-off. I remember Meredith Viera and Star Jones having a debate about this issue and Meredith as a mother and wife took the view that her kids needed her and that has to take precedence sometimes, and Star as a single childless woman, took the point of view that if it's the single women doing all the extra and holiday hours and all the sacrificing of personal time so the moms can be with their families, then the single women should be first in line for promotions and raises.

I did work at a law firm and got all legal holidays off, and I liked that, but the work was very stressful and I got so burned out I simply couldn't work there anymore. I decided to follow my bliss and do the sort of work that makes me happy, so yes, I "chose" to work in the field I'm currently working, but I've been busting my hump trying to get a full-time position where I would be better able to work more regular hours. It just hasn't happened yet. It'd be nice to believe I could just make it happen, but the truth is, no matter how hard I work, I can't just walk in and say, "ok, I'm full time now". I have to wait for a full time position to open up and I have to apply for it and I have to wait until the person hiring actually hires me. So the notion of being totally in control of every little thing that takes place in life is a nice theory, just not very realistic. And while I don't mind working holidays sometimes, it is ingenuous for people with families to say they don't get preferential treatment when it comes to holidays off because I think deep down they really know they do. Maybe they feel a little guilty about it so they deny it happens because they feel uncomfortable about facing the fact they get favored. No one likes to come out and say "yes, I get special treatment." But I'm not angry at married women or people with families. I wish I was one. I wish I had a reason to say "sorry, I can't work this holiday, my husband and I have plans with the kids." Let's face it, the bottom line here is, our society values families and kids, and people who have them get put at the front of the line, whether it's for vacation time or tax breaks. It just reiterates to me how important being married and having kids is considered, how meaningful and valuable it is. I made a comment to a group of people I thought were my friends a while back about my ex, and how if I had half the chance, I'd get him back from his wife. Of course, that's not really true, though for a minute or two it made me feel just a little less crappy to think he did actually love me just a little, and could again, that I wasn't just a warm hunk of meat he used and threw away. But the way they jumped down my throat about how dare I even contemplate messing around with someone's marriage, only makes me see how right I am. It doesn't work both ways. Marriage isn't sacred and the most important thing in the world if you're in one, and no big deal if you're not. Marriage is either sacred and valued and one of the most important things in the world or it isn't. Adn if it is, how am I supposed to feel about never having been blessed with one? I feel like there's definitely a double standard in play there.

 
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