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    Old 07-15-2004, 11:03 PM   #1
    enoch
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    did we all get depressed at the same time

    man apart - geena - belize - mermaid - mouse - nin - enoch - oh wait I'm enoch - what happened to us where did we go? is the medicine working or not working or are we all just keeping even? what the heck kind of support system is this where everybody bails out at the same time? "hey you guys - wait you forgot to put on your parachutes!!!!" - and don't you dare yell back towards the plane "on purpose!!" no - now listen - I need to know at least one of you is still there -I am having some abandonment issues here - plus - well this might cause you to go "ya right" - I feel depressed... like extra depressed regarding the movement of time - how long it takes to move - and how its so easy to get sucked into a vortex of convoluted paradigms in the reflection of self awareness versus self actualization - the two often do not go hand in hand - its sort of like that zen question what is the sound of one hand clapping - we can relate better in a more traditional american being depressed way and say "ah grasshopper what it the sound of two halfs of brain snapping?" now man apart - now - I am understanding that time becomes a self loathing loop when you are in love and not together in the moment. and indeed when so many of those moment string themselves together you begin to feel like its never going to happen because something is going to happen to take it away because for awhile the thought of meeting gives so much joy - and you burn like the light of an arc welder with it - then setbacks - one or two then three -and then the brain starts to say "who do you think your kidding - you know how this is going to end" but you take some meds and eat another boston cream parfait - and think if it was good enough for howard hughs to go out this way so be it" - (sorry loose association with hints of bi polar mania involved in that) - but why does love have to be like so indifferent to a human beings feelings - and if you did alot of messing around when younger is this karma pay off now? - but that can't be true because your a young man - man apart and never played anyone - and the same can said for my younger brother who at age 39 never hurt a fly and never had a girlfriend for longer than six months - so lovable but because of some depression issues never able to push it - and I can only think as strange as it sounds that thank god I had bi polar depression besides just having chronic depression because it was that manic side to things that gave me the boost to go get married a bunch of times (not all at once more like a slow grinding car crash ) and have girlfriends through the years - but now - its true what they say about bi polar - in alot of cases it burns itself out when you hit the late 40's early 50's and then you just got two kinds of depression - and then love comes and your world is no longer safe and predictable and and you can't just be miserable in you own self because of your own stuff - no - you get to have extra misery - and of course the logical mind says hey at look things in a rational way and have patience = and the insane ego is telling you - what a maladjusted puppy you are thinking any thing is ever going to work out for you like some kind of good novel you remember reading when you could still pick up a book and get through it - ya in the old days when dinosaurs walked the earth - and you think gee they had it easy at least as asrtroid came for them - (more loose association) - well man apart sorry to bring your name into this - but I had to have a focus point and I know you cant tell me anything positive just don't let my whine (need a little cheese with that whine?) get in the way of any momemtum your making and happiness you are having with love ---- I assure you once I kick something around here in my head for awhile - and some more monster face time passes - I will know even less than I do today - and you know hot weather aint good for depressed people its hard enough to take a shower as it is with out the heat making you all stinky after you take that shower and then you sit there knowing you need another shower in just one day - I mean - your going to get in the shower and what are you going to think about - how many times do I have to do this - lets see - face - underarms scrotum - back as much as you can get - soap rinse - stand - towel - cloths - and the whole time the only variation is different soap that never lasts - and once in awhile you start to slip and your heart jumps - then there is the underarm stuff which never lasts and ya you can be real depressed and nothing works right or seems to matter but the nose - ah yes the nose - it always stands ready to smell your pits = god made it like that couldn't make the smelly place further - no right there - you turn left of right and the nose is saying "I still working" - okay enough - I tell you someplace in here is thought about love either being the best friend to depression or the worse enemy of depression.. and man apart I never took the time to tell you your descriptions of what love should be were inspiring to someone my age who had forgotton the old memories of what he too once thought love was suppose to be - before he married the toy poodle with me me attitude - then the collie with aloof attitude - then the borderline boxer with the slap happy attitude - then just for good measure - just to make sure all possible damage was inflicted - the poodle once again 18 years later... now the writing in on the wall - no more of that - next will be a lion - you know maneater - to busy running for your life to be depessed quietly praying for astroids... Do you think there are too many boston creme parfaits involved with this post?
    love has done this too me - yup - someone help please with inspiration that patience is well worth it in the end....

    Last edited by enoch; 07-15-2004 at 11:16 PM.

     
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    Old 07-17-2004, 03:47 AM   #2
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    apparently all that is left is the black box with a bunch of conversation and some final screaming - I guess I have done all I can - time to give up this post and walk away from enoch - don't worry - rebirth as a newbee is made possible through the ease of technology - I wish you all luck and I have learned many things from enoch all he has heard and all he has thought while reading you posts - but its time for change - change is good "ja?" hey prince did this - lol - but everyone still calls him prince - I wonder if that causes him depression?

    bye

     
    Old 07-17-2004, 04:09 AM   #3
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    maybe Prince just got tired of being called prince and then when he tried to think of another name they all bored him just as much as prince did - so he tried the symbol thing - but no one could cope with that because it couldn't be pronounced - which maybe was what prince had in mind since any name at all here really don't cover what ever our names are into infinity - god knows it sure but his language is not our language - don't mind me - in real life there is no identity problem but I have never ever felt even remotely connected to the name on my birth certificate - and there will be no grave marker to worry about - probably pan out to ashes thrown in the air on a rainy day - the result? like life - those ashes just ain't going to get very far... but they really would like to fly.. "hey these raindrops taste like ashes!" lol

    Last edited by KnowHim; 07-17-2004 at 04:10 AM.

     
    Old 07-17-2004, 07:41 AM   #4
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    Good day for the crickets? eh? I dont think this is a time to be saying goodbyes, but more a less a time of patience and understanding. I felt the same way in a sense when I replied to your thread, but I never got any response from you. I thought, maybe hes in a very dark place in time where hes really unable to through his mind on a plate and to let me pick it some more.

    Dont give up this name. I like it. I saw it in the bible when I was reading Genesis. Makes me curious why you chose the name. If im not mistaking, Enoch is son of Cain. Yeah, Ive been picking up the bible lately. Theres alot that has contributed to me making a decision to bring God into my life. Youve definitely helped broaden my mind to him. I hope I can find what Im looking for. So far ive been more or less affected by alot that ive read already.

    Ive lost all my friends on this board. Especially Gena. Maybe its my fault. I wanted to be here for her and so many others that i got so close with. But I cant. I cant even be there for myself. I guess this is goodbye to Enoch as well. Ill always be around. Reading, hoping theres a thread that catch my eye, hoping there is someone I can help.

    Im sorry if the correspondence has been slow as of late. Yeah depression hit me hard in the past week but im out of the grave for now, but the reaper still has a tight grip on my ankles. I hope you read this, cos I want you to stay. I dont particularly like change. Always been a content person. Of course I want all you to be happy and do what is needed to improve your lives. I just hope that we all helped each other from our time here on the board.

     
    Old 07-17-2004, 08:25 AM   #5
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    i'm not gone, i don't want this to be goodbye to all my friends that i made all those months ago. i agree, i don't particularly like change. a lot has changed in my life recently and i'm trying to get adjusted to it. i know it's been quiet but we shouldn't give up just yet. maybe enoch is right, maybe we all just hit a bump in the road at the same time. but we didn't total the car. maybe we just got a flat tire and it's taking a little while to get it fixed. i know i'm still here, i just hope that everyone else is too. i don't want to lose all the wonderful friends i've made here, this board has been my lifeline at times and i don't want it to be cut. so gena, enoch, man apart, belize, everyone else, if you're out there, please come back. and enoch, don't change your name, i wouldn't know who you are otherwise. take care everyone, i miss and love you all.

    ~mer

     
    Old 07-18-2004, 08:08 AM   #6
    Man Apart
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    hey mermaid. I hope your doing better after everything you went through last week. I hope you took the advice given and continue to focus on your goals. It kinda feels like being on a deserted island right now. It seems like everyone just stop caring all at once. Seems we all just picked up our nap sacks and just went in another direction. I didnt even get a hug goodbye. Don't know what else to say really. Hope maybe oneday we can find each other again in this small world. But then again, its just a message board right. Ill be around.

     
    Old 07-18-2004, 08:12 AM   #7
    crazykatlady
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    Your not alone.

     
    Old 07-18-2004, 03:32 PM   #8
    belize
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    wwhhheeewwww........ I have moved. sort of... everything I own is in boxes in a new house... well new to me... I think I will sleep for a few days. That nesting instinct Enoch talks about is only in my mind... I am exhausted from leaving my comfprt zone and everything it has entailed. I wonder, is Geena moving too? On top of this, a kid helping me yesterday by weed-eating some thistles... cut my phone line so I am in town trying to get a piece of line to splice into the existing and if this works, I'll write a real post. I miss you folks and will be glad of your company in the coming months.

     
    Old 07-19-2004, 04:32 AM   #9
    enoch
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    window seats on the airplane - as a kid that was such a big deal - then when older isle seats so you could go somewhere if the plane was going down - as a kid like 6 or 7 sitting in that window seat - on a military transport plane flying across the ocean from states to england - well golly an engine was on fire.. we landed in greenland I remember sliding down some kind of canvas net - it was fun - we hung around in some sort of hanger for awhile then got on another plane and went on - the remarkable thing about this is that while the engine was on fire I can't remember any adult losing it -so I wasn't too put out by it - had not reached the age where I had a concept of death - and had we gone down - well it would have been the end of a little kid and his last memory would have been mom is here so this must be okay..
    "hey I also got a diploma for being the youngest kid on an ocean ride from engand back to the states " all I remember was one morning there was some excitement for "whales" so I am running along all these little ship steps with mom to see "whales" and we get up there and there are these little black blimps way off in the distance and I am wondering why every one is so excited - seemed pretty boring to me.. (I mean a midshipmen being eaten alive by a great white shark would have been fun - but whales? ) You know these air craft carriers out there on active duty they cost about 5 million a day to maintain - and every so often when they are cruising everybody on board feels a bump - and thats the carrier hitting a whale and ending its life - much like a car hitting a squirrel - no reduction in speed whats so ever - just some whale sleeping and not paying attention - not like a carrrier can turn on a dime.. .

    Now man apart I do not think you have beeen abandoned and I am sorry for not responding to you post but it seemed like you had everything covered and there was no place to get the stick in the armor.. Now come here you big hunk of love you, let me wrap my arms around you and give you a big wet willie - (not to be confused by you english readers who use willie as a slang word for - well lets not alarm man apart - here in the states it refers to sticking a tongue in an ear - well even at this don't be alarmed man apart - its symbolic not an actual deed that needs to be done..

    belize were do you live in hooterville? cutting the phone cable with a weed wacker - that must be be some high powered weed wacker you have there turbo gas powered? I wonder how it is there has never been a weed wacker incident reported in wally world - "ya she just came in and started that wacker up and headed right for the cans of cool whip - what a mess - we had to take her out with a chain saw" and then of course the movie - the wally world weedwacker wrecker - (now again you english people here in the states wacker means cutting thing for weeds - not anything thing to do with the word randy or self handicrafts - lol - sorry you americans I can not explain to you randy or wank because then enoch would be gone - but I think its good to educate in a post even if its useless information though amuzing.

    Man apart I am happy to say my anxiety maximus and depression associated with blew over for the most part - yes with careful thought and patient understanding things were clarified for me (did I mention doubling up on my meds for a few days too) - and from that burned out landscape of a dry white season I now notice a tiny little green flower growing off in the distance - course in this land of weed wackers better not take anything for granted huh - somebody could come along with a bigger wacker - well never mind - the good news is I am getting freon put in my truck tomorrow and will once again be able to drive around and not sweat it up which takes away from the joy of listening to Zappa on CD - and listening to the american pitbull sitting next to me panting - and they pant because they do not like the heat in anyway - no they like their air conditioning just fine - side note - appointment for freon at 9am its now 5:30am - I have to stay awake take the truck and then walk around killing time while they do it - and I have package that needs mailing - and I will have to walk about half a mile to the post office to send it and its kinda of heavy - and then - I can eat a breakfest at a VI - you got them down there? village inn? and then come back to the garage and hear them say - ya, we are just getting you in now - because this is what mechanics do - they are worse than doctors - they know they got me - mid july - hot here - humid - air conditioner needing freon - what can I do - drive off not only in huff but a stinky hot huff? or course zappa does have that one song called THE TORTURE NEVER STOPS and would probably be great to listen to in that exact moment in time where I decided it was a good time to go to wally world and buy that turbo delux weed wacker and start her up! and head for the bags of flour and sugar...

    now in three days I go before a federal judge for him to decide on my Social Security Disability Claim - but you see those people are wise - they make you empty out your pockets and stuff before you go into their building - keys - belts - everything - while uniforms stand around you... and the reasons of course is because they mostly always say NO to everyone trying to get a claim. and even if you swear at him and call him a wacker or something they will take you away pretty quick and put you some place where you can think clearly about what you did - but its air conditioned at least - anyway man apart sorry I am not tight and concise in my reflections with you here - perhaps there is an engine on fire that I just have not noticed yet..

    Mermaid its hard for me talk to you because I feel like such a dad.. and dad say such dadish things at times and maybe your dad wasn't too good a dad to you - and I would depress you some more - and geena? how much do we know about the new guy in her life - maybe he was some kind of strange guy and he got her now - or the ex husband - maybe he got himself a wacker - geena come back and let us know you have not become a MIA to us - geena come back - please...

    okay - heys it after 6 - been up all night again - like its a surprise after six months of it - but tomorrow freon so who knows maybe I will take a drive far into the desert - oh wait thats Rommel drives deep into egypt - by richard brautigan = the same guy who wrote "the act of dying is like hitch hiking into strange town late at night where its cold and raining and you are all alone again" - but he killed himself years ago so you young ones might not know of his writings - but some of them are good...

    okay man apart - how are things with your lady?
    Belize - how are things with your new place?
    Mermaid - hows your outlook today?
    Geena - ( absenteeism)
    KnowHim - yes you do..

    bye the way man apart it came as no surprise to me you were opening the book - you know what they say - the bible well used the devil not amused.

    oh ya, crazykatlady - how come its always catladies? how come never catmen - and how many cats to you have to have to be certified crazy kat lady - is there an organization of these? but wait maybe its actually that the cats have to be crazy - not the lady - the lady just has the crazy cats? and why is there never any mention of crazydog ladies? I know these are difficult questions but someone in life has to ask them..

    Last edited by enoch; 07-19-2004 at 05:08 AM.

     
    Old 07-19-2004, 07:05 PM   #10
    belize
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    the new place is huge. I thought four hundred acres but it is only 322. I cannot hear people, traffic, trains.... nothing but the wind and the birds. It is heaven. It is not Hooterville! There are a lot of fine artists, musicians and professional folks who choose to live in solitude as I have done. This is a caretaking arrangement so no rent... So my five pets and I are adjusting to this new world we are calling our own for a while. The weedwacker had a saw blade on it because the grass around the house was shoulder high and the little nylon string was useless. Things are shaping up pretty good. I don't have to work this week so I can relax a bit and sort through this thing that I have done.... leaving my husband of twelve years because I could not fathom thirty more years with a person who was completely satisfied with the way things were and had no interest in new knowledge or activities....

    So I am alone as I wished. Let the feelings come in waves, good and bad, I will weather them the best I can without anyone telling me what I should feel or should do about them. There are have to do things like get the water line fixed so I can bathe.... and figure out what went wrong with my Messengers...cannot seem to sign in on either of them and have tried new downloads and new identities. This will ultimately depress me because I cannot talk in real time to my cyber love... Maybe God's hand is in this... I pray to be alone for a long time...so alone I will be... at least until I can get this whiz kid neighbor of mine to come over and fix the Messenger problem. If he can't do it I guess it is time for a new computer.... start fresh. That's a scary idea... I love my machine and have quite a history loaded on it...

    Well, I will stick around these parts for a while and check in with you folks on a regular basis... please be patient [?] with me as i go through my roller coaster emotions for a while. One moment almost content... the next in tears from pain and loss. But I am alive and am feeling it.

    I have no history of Religious education or training and this house came equiped with two shelves of religious books and another of tapes explaining the bible... Huh. Must be time to dig in and try to understand the scriptures. I have been needy and my soul has been rent with pain and then here are all these books and tapes filled with the knowledge I seek. something must be going right. Affirmation that I did the right thing for me and it is time to get on with it. Which I will do after I rest and rest some more.

    thanks Enoch for asking after me... Everything is going to be all right... or so I say to myself a dozen times a day....

     
    Old 07-19-2004, 09:14 PM   #11
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    belize, i envy your solitude. i wish i could just get away to a place where i couldn't hear the noise of the outside world. sometimes alone time is the best; it's when we do our deepest thinking, and we clear our minds. i have a feeling this move is going to be good for you-- it's a fresh start away from your husband, spending time in quiet reflection with your pets. i wish you only the best of luck! (and i hope you resolve the weed-whacker issue, it would be a shame if you didn't have internet to keep in touch with us!)

    enoch, i also want to thank you for asking for me. please don't say you feel like my dad. i don't see you as a father figure, only as a friend. my father has been very good to me, he and i are almost like the same person. it is my mom who has caused me so much anguish over the years, and she is part of the reason why i'm in therapy (even though she doesn't know it).

    speaking of therapy, i just found out i can only see my therapist once a week instead of twice because my insurance doesn't cover it, and it's too expensive otherwise. this really upsets me because i loved going twice a week, it was a chance to get my feelings out, and i could update her more often about the different events in my life as they were unfolding. oh, i'm still on the effexor, 75mg. it's ok i guess, i've only been on it for two weeks. i go back to my doc on wednesday, we'll see what he has to say. i'm also going to my gyn on wednesday, it should be a fun-filled day of waiting rooms and being poked and prodded at.

    man apart, how are you doing my friend? i know it may seem like everyone has packed up and left, but please remember, like crazykatlady said, you're not alone. we're all still here, and even though we may not post as often as we once did, we're still here for each other. i'm dying for an update on the roselyn situation; when do you get to see her? please let me know how you're doing, i miss you terribly.

    same goes for you, gena! we haven't seen you around these parts in a loooong time! i hope your KD hasn't whisked you off someplace where you don't have internet connection and you can't keep in touch with us. it would be awesome if he did whisk you away somewhere, but as long as you had the net it would be fine. let us know how the KD situation is going, how the divorce is proceeding, how your daughters are, how your job search is going, if you have any plans of moving soon, everything! we haven't heard from you in ages, we need the full update! i miss you hun, you're like the older sister i never had.

    anyone else i may have missed, i'm sorry. i hope you all are doing well, keep us updated, we're all still here (at least i am). hope to hear from you all soon.

    ~mer

     
    Old 07-20-2004, 12:06 PM   #12
    Man Apart
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    My Graduation was probably the most anti-climatic moment in my life. I was late because my mom had to rush home to get my robe. I simply forgot it. I was too anxiety riddled to focus on anything. I just wanted to get it over with. My mom finally shows up with the robe, huffy and puffing, upset. I put it on and we go inside the auditorium. As I walked up on stage I could see some of the teachers shaking their heads at me. I was used to it, cos they did that all year. I can still hear the girls giggling for whatever reason. I was used to that too. They did it all year as well anytime I pass by a group of them in the hall. I never knew being fat and ugly was so humorous to perfect people. I squeeze through the aisle to get to the small folding chair with my name on it. For the next hour and a half of speeches, I was just in a motionless daze really. Occasionally I took a glimpse over at my family. Before I knew it they were calling out names. The walk across the stage was eerie. It was like going in slow motion. But I was glad my family cheered because I knew noone else would. I got my diploma case and shook the principals hand and walked back to my seat. I tried my best to try to find some type of enjoyment or liberation from this moment. Its my graduation right. I sat there for the last 15 mins of the ceremony thinking about what it was I was holding in my hand. I thought about every single experience I went through in school. I opened the case, there was no diploma inside it. I had already known it wouldnt be there cos I was previously told I could walk with my class but I would not be able to receive a diploma until i finished summer school. But it just symbolized my entire 13 year experience of school. Just, absolutely, nothing. Being beaten and abused almost daily. Raped by a teacher. Couldnt learn anything cos i was too busy trying to survive. Seem more like a prison than a place for learning. I got up and I walked off stage and to my family and I told them lets go. My mom asked me, arent there any friends you want to talk to before you leave? I just said no. I didnt have any friends. lol.

    Enoch, Im glad your depression and anxiety went into some form of remission. But always beware. I never allowed myself to ever think Im out of the woods. Sometimes I feel life is in bloom and the grass is finally somewhat partially green on my side. But always prepare for a bitter harvest, cos winter always arrives on time. I can picture you now in your truck blasting Zappa's greastest hits. You know one of my favorite songs of all time is Led Zepplins Kashmir. I must have listened to that song a million times and I have no idea what it means or what hes saying but for some reason it captures me. I never thought Id ever checkmate you. Theres always a week spot in the armor. I dont like to win. I dont like to run out of answers. Cos it makes me realize what I fear the most. That I might be right.

    How are things with me and Lyn? Right now its fine. Im still not able to fully grasp and embrace her as being a reality yet. I cant keep up with her mood wise. Thats the most difficult issue. Shes always happy, im always sad. There are times I have to force myself to climb up to her level, but there are times when I feel im pulling her down. There are moments where I feel part of her in my heart. I tend to think about her alot more now each day, I feel myself needing her alot more, I tend to focus more on this being a reality, im starting to even think about how different life will be living with someone by this time next year. But 2 months seem so far away still. And there is alot of myself that needs to be repaired and tuned up. Cant seem to shed the pounds fast enough. Im still pursuing this no doubt. Its really all I have. She gives me a sense of security I thought I would never have before from someone. She gave me a reason to live, and a reason to be. But I found out that there is something about me I think I am going to have to live with forever. Even after I meet this girl, even if my dream come true, even if everything works out between us, and I can get her here with me, even if I lost weight, even if my life drastically improved and I was able to go out more, go back to school, work in public, and have a social life. There will always be one constant... I hate myself.

    I think Genie is gone for good. Genie out of the bottle. Maybe its good for her. New life, new man, gotta put the past behind her. Just thought she would say goodbye first. Id like to believe we helped her get her kentucky dream back. But that would be too naive of me to think that a little group of messageboard friends could ever have such a profound affect. If we did, she wouldnt have left cold turkey. Shes fine. Because, I know what type of woman Gena is. She is a survivor. Always has been and always will be. I realized I wasnt really much of a friend as much as I was like another child. Its embarrassing how pathetic I can be at times. But im just me. I have a knack for driving friends away. Thats the downfall of being such a big, black, miserable b*st*rd. Im not so much sad she abandoned me as much as Im sad she abandoned Mermaid and alot of others on this board she helped. But I guess all good things come to a end. I hope shes happy.

    Mermaid, they put you on effexor. I hated effexor. lol. As you know Ive gone completely cold turkey from medication. I was looking up anti-psychotic medication because enoch thinks im a certifiable nut. But I just asked myself, geez what am I doing, theres one reason why im depressed. Im ugly. No drug is going to cure that. lol. The combination of losing weight and Roselyn will be my anti-depressant from now on. I know we dont post as often, because our relationships were bound by all the wrong things we have in common. Mainly depression. It could never last. The more we draw ourselves away from those things, the more we draw away from each other. Its natural I think. Because you sometimes feel like theres nothing to share. With me, Ive just about bled myself dry on the board. I check-mated enoch. Even he couldnt say anything else to me and you know he always have something to say. Im a hopeless case. It doesnt help that im so defiant as well. Someone was right about me before, no matter what anyone says to me Ill always make a excuse why I cant just so that person can hit me back with why I can, and then ill fire back until someone proves me wrong. There was one poster on this board name Angel77 who beat me up pretty bad. Because she always proved me wrong. My biggest problem is dealing with society and being unattractive. Its funny, because I have a beautiful girlfriend but still, all of the same feelings I have are still there, and I still dislike myself. There are even times I resent Roselyn and I have to close her webcam when im talking to her. Because I fear beauty. I just hate that my life had to be destroyed because of how I look. From childhood til i get old. It will always matter way too much in this society. Kids pick on ya cos your different or chubby, teenagers abuse you and put you down, you get older and realize women reject you cos your not their type, people reject you as friends because your not attractive, cant get certain jobs, cant be social, cant be confident. I honestly dont know what is more important in life. Money or beauty. I guess money still, cause beauty fades eventually.

    Belize, I wish you all the best of luck. Always take care. I hope everyone is fine. Its good to hear from people again and not crickets. Ill try to drag myself to the computer more often but lately my mind has been in so much turmoil. You know I deeply care about you guys. I wish we could all sit around in a resturant somewhere, eat pizza and chat. Take care for now. Lets continue to silence the crickets.

     
    Old 07-20-2004, 09:07 PM   #13
    enoch
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    sometime I laugh out loud at how the game of chess goes - my main problem is loss of focus in the end game of it - its like I have seen I can win - and once seeing you can win - it does not matter if you lose - just so you know man apart - its the best out of three - and don't forget the gary fisher move.. lol more later - because man apart its like you said - when your relaxing for that moment thinking the horde of invading barbarians have stopped a sword comes out of no where - you know when they were executing bundy - he was about to speak and then he noticed that his executioner was a female - she had on a hood sure but he could see her eye makeup - and when he saw that is life was going to end in the hands of a female he got real quiet and spoke no more - was not there only recount what was recounted by someone who was there - and its a fact a woman executed him- don't know why I think of that now - here let me pull this sword out and I will get back to you - lol

    Last edited by enoch; 07-20-2004 at 09:14 PM.

     
    Old 07-22-2004, 07:02 PM   #14
    belize
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    Perhaps it is the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head Enoch, by a single thread, as you try to rule your Kingdom. Perhaps it was placed there by someone in your past, a parent maybe, and not a woman.... why do partners always get the blame for our woes? [cept maybe you, Man Apart who finds Lyn blameless in all arenas] Does familiarity always have to breed contempt? the person closest to us, the person we profess to love completely, is the focus of so much blame for our discomfort. Maybe we all just take too much stuff personally sometimes. Sometimes we forget to celebrate our differences and instead expect other people to behave just like we would in any given situation... this rarely happens and when we are surprised we are not pleased. We do not like surprises... We have all been exposed to enough psychology to know that our reactions are our own, our triggers are our own and we can learn to manage our emotions a little bit. The simple changing of a few simple words can often help. You could, rather than you should, or... forget the you, you, you blaming stuff all together and try for the I, I, I feel stuff.... Ya, life goes on pretty good for a few days and hope returns and faith is aallmooosst on the table and kablooey, you take a mortal wound to the heart out of nowhere. Nowhere? You think this wound was intentional? from a loved one? Think about it again friend, think about it twice.

    ah, but the pain is real and can be all consuming for a timeless period. One can feel aching and hollowness and fear. Maybe a little self riteousness thrown in by old Mr. Ego... It is the source of the pain that is in question here... we may have no words for the feelings that disable us, perhaps because the thing that is triggered, often abandonment, was placed in our heart and mind when we were babes, pre-language, so the pain that is brought forth has no language for description.... then we leap to the words we do have and often get it wrong and wind up spewing a bunch of venomous nonsense on whoever is near... but it still ain't right and we apologize our socks off later and carry on without much enlightenment until it is triggered again.... gee, if we could bring ourselves to stop for a second when the panic is creeping up behind us, and think... is this not interesting? Look at this, my sweaty palms, my thumping heart, my narrowed eyes, that extra saliva that comes... all so very interesting.... and wonder why. sometimes we really do not know and this is Okay... no need to blame anyone, especially a woman.

     
    Old 07-22-2004, 09:23 PM   #15
    enoch
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    Re: did we all get depressed at the same time

    gee belize - where did that sword come from? blaming women? a woman? is blame depending upon male or female - or is it in reality the distance between fairness and truth - loyalty versus non loyaly and all the game played in between - is all good and fine to write with reflections to intellectual mannerisms but a much higher leap to doing what is right and just in the name of love -beyond the man woman ego thing. I do not know why you take this into your heart so deep - but the actuality is people in real life do make commitments of heart - then later if their ego is not satisfied they flee the scene - its seems to be a woman war call that the man is emotionally unavailable to them - well surprisingly enough I have found this very true of many women - so its not dependant on being man or woman but on whoever is feeling the feel left behind when the feeling once given or known is feelingless... and of course swords hang by a hair over most of our heads all our life but that does not mean someone else should be the one that decides when that sword is going to fall - love is just love beyond all our thoughts and in so many ways its special again beyond anything we will ever really know here - I am sorry you felt the need to stand up and swing a sword - executioners come in many forms and many of us for what ever reasons choose the method of our own death.. I do not know why that is - when often we see that sword hanging way before we sit beneath it.. but again the ego is involved so perhaps its a matter of choosing the biggest insanity that gives us the biggest fall from grace the ego can find.

     
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