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    Old 10-16-2004, 12:00 AM   #1
    Jeremy
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    Unhappy I'm not sure what I can do.

    Hello all,

    I've never been to this board before today or even searched for any help on depression or whatever it is, that I suffer from, on the Internet before. Circumstances have forced the issue. I need some good advice. I can no longer fight this battle alone as I have done for so many years.

    I've suffering from what appears to be depression with suicidal tendencies for over four years now. I've attempted suicide over thirteen times and have not succeeded with many vareties of ways. Some of which should have killed a normal man, but not me, ironically. It's all very strange.

    Now I'm simply surviving, and no more then that. My Psychologist here in Ottawa, is not proving to be very helpful. He keeps trying different medications but very slowly. In the meantime, I am suffering what appears to me to be agony at best. I barely eat, I rarely sleep and what sleep I do get, is filled with nightmares. I use to be an avid PC gamer for a long, long time. Now, I am no longer interested in playing anything. I have no friends, I haven't had any for a long time. I wake up in the morning, knowing exactly what will happen in the day. I'll watch TV, listen to some music, eat every two days or so, sleep, repeat, rinse; lather. Fortunately, my humor is the only thing I have left intact. I get very little social interaction with anyone.

    My family is gone. My brother is in jail, as is my mother. My father is out west in Calgary and I have no contact with him. I've had a rough life but things don't seem to be getting any better. The most infuriating thing, is that the doctors over the years refuse to give me any kind of definitive diagnosis. They pointed at Dysthemia a few times but that's about it. I don't think that really defines how I feel most of the time. My thoughts are constantly racing, I can't slow them down at all. This is a big reason why I can't sleep. I just sit there and roll around for hours. I only get sleep when I'm totally exhausted physically. I've got no energy, no motivation to do anything but sit in this apartment with a friend. I've been staying with her for over a year, sleeping on a couch because I have nowhere else to go.

    And now, I've come here to get as much advice as I can, because frankly, I'm at my wits end. Each day seems worse then the last. Some days are better then others, but I have so little energy to do anything. I see the world covered in a layer of grey. Nothing seems worthwhile anymore. Strangely, I don't think of suicide anymore. I figure if all the stuff I've done so far hasn't killed me, then the chances of anything else working are very low. I guess I'm just hard to kill.

    Anyway, if any of you have any advice or recommendations on what I should do next, I could really use them right now. I don't see any way to get better.
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    Old 10-16-2004, 12:39 AM   #2
    ILikeRats
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Hi Jeremy,
    I hope you get a lot of responses. You aren't alone, although I know how it feels to think you're the only person who feels exactly the way you do. Read some of the posts on this board and you'll see a lot of people rarely leave their house. You should have be diagnosed with clinical depression. Keep working with the medications, because it may just be a matter of finding the right one and the right dose for you (what have you tried, how much, and for how long? Do you take it every day as directed or skip it sometimes? Do you think the mind-racing is a side-effect of the medication, or did you have that problem before you ever started taking them?) It's great that you have such a good friend; does she know how you feel and how depressed you are, or do you keep to yourself even around her? Does she mind that you do not pay rent? Do you have other family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) who you could go visit? Have you read any books on the subject of depression? Two I've found helpful are: "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay and "Feeling Good" by David Burns. I think I will start a new post on this board about books...

    Last edited by Administrator; 07-14-2017 at 08:17 PM.

     
    Old 10-16-2004, 12:46 AM   #3
    Jeremy
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ILikeRats
    Hi Jeremy,
    I hope you get a lot of responses. You aren't alone, although I know how it feels to think you're the only person who feels exactly the way you do. Read some of the posts on this board and you'll see a lot of people rarely leave their house. If you've tried to commit suicide many times, you should have be diagnosed with clinical depression. Keep working with the medications, because it may just be a matter of finding the right one and the right dose for you (what have you tried, how much, and for how long? Do you take it every day as directed or skip it sometimes? Do you think the mind-racing is a side-effect of the medication, or did you have that problem before you ever started taking them?) It's great that you have such a good friend; does she know how you feel and how depressed you are, or do you keep to yourself even around her? Does she mind that you do not pay rent? Do you have other family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) who you could go visit? Have you read any books on the subject of depression? Two I've found helpful are: "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay and "Feeling Good" by David Burns. I think I will start a new post on this board about books...
    I've tried Effexor, Celexa, Prozac, Zoloft, etc. Most SSRI's if memory serves. All of them for proper clinical times, never skipped doses. My racing thoughts do not seem to be related to the medication, I've had them for a long, long time. Maybe all my life?

    She knows how I feel. I met her in the hospital actually, after one of my attempts. I was given a choice to live with her, or end up in a boarding home with a bunch of real nuts. Trust me, I tried it there for a night. I picked the lesser of two evils. I do in fact pay rent. $350 CDN per month. Not a bad profit for her, considering that all I get is a couch and a handful of boxes in the corner of the one bedroom apartment. I don't have any relatives that I have spoken to in over ten years that live nearby even. Mostly on my father's side of the family.

    I did have my grandmother for awhile but I watched her die, slowly, from bowel cancer 6 years ago. The memory still haunts me. Sometimes, I think it's all the terrible things that have happened in my life that make me the way I am. What do you do with a person who has such terrible memories that they can never, ever recover from them? A question I have been asking myself lately. I never come up with a good answer.
    __________________
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    Old 10-16-2004, 01:05 AM   #4
    ILikeRats
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    What about books regarding grief and healing from the loss of loved-ones? I know it's very difficult; I'm not trying to make it sound easy or that reading a book is the answer, just that they might give you some guidance in your healing-journey. It's a process that takes a very long time, and I can understand how certain memories would be *too* difficult to "move past." Also, have you tried keeping a journal? I find that very helpful, and then when I want to get away from what I've written on the pages, I'll burn them (in a safe place, like a grill.) We all have dreams for ourselves that are buried, deep down, though. What are (or were?) the dreams you've had for your future? (Don't say your dreams are all gone--they may be very hidden--just something to think about...)

     
    Old 10-16-2004, 01:59 AM   #5
    Jeremy
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    Unhappy Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Ah, yes. No, I haven't had read any self healing books. To be honest, I've tried but I could never really get into any of them. I used to keep a journal but I just stopped doing that, not sure why. I just didn't feel like putting it down on writing anymore. It took too much out of me to dig up those feelings all over again just to put it on paper.

    Dreams? Yes. I have dreams. Or had anyway. Nothing grandous or spectacular really. I always wanted to have a good corporate position in a computer company in the industry, a good wife, a few kids and a house with a white picket fence.

    But then, I'm too old to make these dreams happen now. I am 26, yet I feel much, much older then that. It's funny that. How memories and experiences can make you feel older then you really are. The worst feeling in the world is to know that you are completely alone.
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    "It's easy to find something worthy dying for...Do you have anything worth LIVING for?" -- Lorien

     
    Old 10-16-2004, 01:07 PM   #6
    kimba28
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Jeremy,
    You are not all alone in the world, even if the only people you have reached out and touched are people on line, like you just have. You have come here searching for help, looking for something to just change, and that's a real good sign. Guess what? You're not too old. You are twenty-six, and barely just begun life. The problem is, in that short time, you have been forced to lived more pain then most people experience in a lifetime. And it's been too much for you. You are clinically depressed (and rightfully so). Your medications aren't doing the trick on their own. And you have no connections to ground you. And I know all about the bad memories. Got some fairly nasty ones of my own. But all the same...here you are. And that shows some real strength. Try taking some baby steps, one at a time. You just took one getting on line like this. And it wasn't impossible, right? There are some really WONDERFUL people here on line. They have great ideas, give great advice, and the CARE! Isn't that something? The people I've been talking to here on line don't know me from jack. But they CARE! And they want to HELP! If you can do nothing else right now, just keep posting here. This is your first baby step. When you feel a little more able, take another one. Once people know more about your situation, we might be able to come up with another step that you feel like you can manage. How about it? Post back again?

     
    Old 10-16-2004, 07:11 PM   #7
    Jeremy
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kimba28
    Jeremy,
    You are not all alone in the world, even if the only people you have reached out and touched are people on line, like you just have. You have come here searching for help, looking for something to just change, and that's a real good sign. Guess what? You're not too old. You are twenty-six, and barely just begun life. The problem is, in that short time, you have been forced to lived more pain then most people experience in a lifetime. And it's been too much for you. You are clinically depressed (and rightfully so). Your medications aren't doing the trick on their own. And you have no connections to ground you. And I know all about the bad memories. Got some fairly nasty ones of my own. But all the same...here you are. And that shows some real strength. Try taking some baby steps, one at a time. You just took one getting on line like this. And it wasn't impossible, right? There are some really WONDERFUL people here on line. They have great ideas, give great advice, and the CARE! Isn't that something? The people I've been talking to here on line don't know me from jack. But they CARE! And they want to HELP! If you can do nothing else right now, just keep posting here. This is your first baby step. When you feel a little more able, take another one. Once people know more about your situation, we might be able to come up with another step that you feel like you can manage. How about it? Post back again?
    That's the problem. I don't know any steps. I've reached the point where my concious mind has reached it's proverbial critcal mass. Something radical needs to be done, but I have no suggestions for my doctor, so I return to the beginning, I'm not sure what to do.
    __________________
    "It's easy to find something worthy dying for...Do you have anything worth LIVING for?" -- Lorien

     
    Old 10-17-2004, 03:22 PM   #8
    kimba28
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Sorry,
    Didn't mean to leave you hanging there. Just trying to give it some very serious thought. And thinking back to when i couldn't get my own mind to work and help me think about what to do. Guess what? That's common too. First of all, I am glad you are looking for new ideas to take to your DOCTOR. I haven't always seen eye to eye with mine...we had a disagreement about my last treatment. But I have continued to consult with him as I move through it. Which brings up a good point. Possibly the whole category of SSRI's does not work for you? It's not unheard of. There are a lot of people here on the boards who are still searching through the meds for something to work. Perhaps something older? Like elavil? It seems to be working for some people who haven't succeeded with the ssri's.
    I can make some suggestions, but I don't know how they will appear to you, or if they will be possible for you. But if you are brave enough to ask, I guess I can be brave enough to try. When I talked about doing small things...that's really important. This is a big thing, and you just can't take it on all at once. You have already decided that you want to be different...feel different. And that is the big part. Your next step is to break the endless daily pattern that you find yourself in. Doing the same exact thing the same exact way day after day keeps you exactly where you are, and can deepen these feelings of helplessness. Start by changing one little thing. Make one small, healthy change. Promise not to laugh if my advice sounds trite. Take a short walk outside everyday. If you can only manage 5 minutes, start there. Exercise, sunshine....both can help change the chemical process that is going on within your body. But the act of just doing something different. Something to help yourself. It sounds silly, but it really does make a difference breaking the pattern you are in right now. Somehow it is like taking back a little bit of power back over your own body and life...something you may feel like has been taken away from you. TAKE IT BACK.
    I know you said you tried the book thing. Could you try again? A friend gave me a copy of David Burn's FEELING GOOD one of the first times I struggled with depression. I thought the idea of a book helping me out of how I was feeling was just TOTALLY stupid. But she made me promise to at least look at it a little. There was some pretty good stuff in there. It explains that the way that you think, actually shoots out its own set of chemicals that afect how you feel. Depressive people like me get stuck in certain patterns of thinking, thus always sending out all these negative chemical reactions in your body. It is a self-perpetuating, vicious circle. There are things in there that help you to recognize these "faulty" thoughts. And then how to stop having them so often. Like breaking a habit. If nothing else, it helps you understand a little more about yourself and what you are going through. And once again, just the act of doing something gives you a little power back. And that little bit of power might help you to make other little changes. Does that make sense? Even if you can only get through 2 or 3 pages a day....1 page a day...a few pages every week? Anything. However you can handle it and get yourself to do it.
    I know you are probably reading these suggestions and thinking "I can't do it." You may even feel let down because you feel like I don't even have any real answers for you. Just think about this stuff.
    Sometimes the littlest things can make the biggest difference...

    Last edited by kimba28; 10-18-2004 at 05:47 AM.

     
    Old 10-19-2004, 10:06 AM   #9
    kimba28
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Jeremy where are you? Are you okay? If you don't feel like trying any of those things just yet, that's okay. How bout just talking? I'm here...

     
    Old 10-19-2004, 02:27 PM   #10
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    Wink Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    First of all, you do have humor (as I read in your "daily schedule") lol. I know that you probably feel like you are the only one who feels the way you do. Everyone does that. Believe me you are not! I read LOTS of posts on here with similar problems to yours. If you are thinking about going on medication, these are some that I really like: Prosac, Celexa, and Cymbalta (I am 14 and currently taking this, it seems to work pretty good it just makes me tired alot.) The one you shouldn't try is LEXAPRO!!! omg!!! It made me WORSE!!! My suicidal thoughts got worse and everything. I even "experimented" more than usual on myself. (Long story) But I hope that you got some ideas for medication from this AND OTHERS TOO!!! Don't Give up. We all love you on here!!! Thank you for reading this. *~BYE!~*

     
    Old 10-20-2004, 02:31 AM   #11
    Jeremy
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    I am here. Just pondering things. Many things. It's strange how time seems to pass by more quickly as you get older. I have noticed this. Right now, I'm feeling that odd instinct to procreate. Start a family, make my mark on the world. What a strange feeling. Almost a driving force. I guess that's the way it's supposed to be, otherwise we'd never have kids. Still, it's hard to fight.

    All I've ever wanted in life is a good job in the computer industry, a wife, a few kids and a decent house. Yet that seems so far away now. Way beyond my limited reach. A dream, I suppose. I keep wondering if I'll get any better and the years keep passing and nothing gets any better.

    My doctor forgot to call in my prescription the other day, so I had to go the weekend without any medication. I despise withdrawal effects for some of these medications. Kinda funny actually. My *** got really itchy for no reason

    Anyway, I'm just thinking what to do next. I've been through some 37 odd anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and nothing has had any effect as of yet. The doctor and I are beginning to run out of meds to try. Frustrating, really. I'm gaining quite the reputation for my seeming immunity to chemicals of any kind.

    I was beginning to get an immortality complex there for awhile, given all the close calls in my life. Then I got really drunk, climbed up a tree, promptly fell ten feet out of it and crashed on the ground, breaking my foot in four places. That kinda ruined the thought that I was immortal. And taught me never to climb trees when I'm drunk as well.

    Ah, well. Time will tell and I have all the time in the world.
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    Old 10-20-2004, 05:47 AM   #12
    tins18
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    I found that the best way to cope with such intense discomfort was to live my life one day at a time.
    You can try out the self help techniques. Surviving a depressive episode does not mean that life is suddenly beautiful. There are ways in which you can begin to change in this way.

    • EXERCISE - Exercise is becoming a more recognized form of therapy.
    • Even when you are just make laughing expressions, your body produces chemicals that make you feel happier.
    • KEEP A DIARY
    • PRAYER
    • Good nutrition supports the optimal functioning of your brain and body. Eat a balanced diet of healthy foods
    • Develop a sleep schedule - a regular time of going to sleep and arising - and stick to it.
    • Medication is not a miracle cure or a replacement for psychotherapy. For those people who cannot tolerate antidepressants or for whom they simply do not work, there are other "natural medications" you can try

    Hope you'll find them helpful

    As taken from:
    http://www.depression-guide.com/depression-self-help.htm

     
    Old 10-20-2004, 01:09 PM   #13
    kimba28
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Jeremy ,

    Hey man...I'm glad you posted back. Had me worried there for a minute! Firefly is right. I see a little sparkle about you here and there. That's when your sense of humor is showing! That you can still joke at a time when you are so desparately low is a sign of strength. It hasn't beaten you yet, hon. And your sense to "procreate"? Well if you have an urge here or there, that's good too! You WANT things. A family. A job. This tells me you are not quite ready to throw in the towel yet. That's the good news. The bad? After 37 medications, I am pretty sure they are not going to help you. Not by themselves. Some of this is going to have to be up to you. Scary, huh? Pick something, anything. Baby steps, remember? Each step you MAKE YOURSELF take, will bring you one step closer to those things you dream of.
    Besides, would you really deprive the world of SUCH a funny guy? (Hope your ****itch went away...lol !!!! )

     
    Old 10-20-2004, 01:57 PM   #14
    Jeremy
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    Talking Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kimba28
    Jeremy ,

    Hey man...I'm glad you posted back. Had me worried there for a minute! Firefly is right. I see a little sparkle about you here and there. That's when your sense of humor is showing! That you can still joke at a time when you are so desparately low is a sign of strength. It hasn't beaten you yet, hon. And your sense to "procreate"? Well if you have an urge here or there, that's good too! You WANT things. A family. A job. This tells me you are not quite ready to throw in the towel yet. That's the good news. The bad? After 37 medications, I am pretty sure they are not going to help you. Not by themselves. Some of this is going to have to be up to you. Scary, huh? Pick something, anything. Baby steps, remember? Each step you MAKE YOURSELF take, will bring you one step closer to those things you dream of.
    Besides, would you really deprive the world of SUCH a funny guy? (Hope your ****itch went away...lol !!!! )
    Procreate. You know, reproduce. Heh, that's why I'll never have a girlfriend. Everything is strategic to me. I wouldn't be unheard for me to walk up to a girl and say "Hey baby, feel like doing some procreation?"

    Well, no I'm not quite that bad. I'd probably only think it. Heh. Still, the Matte family is renowed for it's fertility, why do you think I have 16 uncles and aunts?
    __________________
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    Old 10-20-2004, 02:05 PM   #15
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    Re: I'm not sure what I can do.

    hi jeremy!

    i just felt like saying hi, you sound like you could use another friend (and to be quite honest, so could i!) i agree completely with kimba, you do have a sparkle about you, and it's so good that you still want things in your life like a wife and family and job and house. remember, you're only 26 and you said yourself you have all the time in the world, so just be patient! there are times when i feel like my life is over and i just want to end it, but then i take a huge step back and realize that i'm only 21 and i'm graduating college in may and i have my whole life ahead of me to find the exact same things you're looking for. i, too, have tried different medications, though i've only been through two, not as many as you. i'm seeing a new pdoc tomorrow to hopefully get a script for another med while i'm weaning off the one i'm on now.

    i hope we can keep this thread going, stay in touch with all of us and keep us updated about how things are going in your life. things will be alright, even though it may not seem like it now. trust me, you're not alone i'm in the same boat as you are. so let's try and stay afloat together. (ok that was a really horrible pun, i think your sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) much love.

    ~Meredith

     
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