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    Old 11-02-2004, 01:13 AM   #1
    KSaan
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    Do you ever get over being molested

    Hi All,

    This is an awful story to tell but I feel like I have to just get this off my chest - maybe it will help me, maybe it will not.

    When I was seven years old, I was molested by my godfather - ooohh I hate even calling him that.

    I was collecting money for the Spastic Childrens Society and he said if I came in and did the dishes for him then he would give me an extra five dollars. Being the age that I was, I thought this was fantastic and proceeded inside his home - I had been there many times so really did not think anything bad of it.

    When in his kitchen, he lead me over to a couch and undid his pants and showed me his penis (all I remember thinking at the time was Oh my god that is ugly and it is so big - yuk it's all wrinkly) I was terrified by this time and said, I thought you wanted me to do your dishes, I will do them now.

    He said to me, well I would like you to lie on this couch and then he pulled my dress up and told me my knickers were pretty before he pulled them down.

    I remember being so scared and then him lying me down on the couch and then I was just staring at him. He then layed on top of me and I remember him grabbing his penis and trying to put it inside me. He actually did not get it inside of me but I did not know the difference between this and what real sex was so I thought what he did was going to make me have a baby.

    The molestation only went on for about 5 minutes I guess because my girlfriend that was collecting money with me was waiting outside and he probably thought he had better be quick or she might come in. Once he let me up, I remember pulling my pants up and running out the front door.

    I told my girlfriend what had happened and she did not believe me and then later that day I told my sister and she did not believe me either so I just shut up then.

    For the next 5 years I thought I was going to have a baby, I knew nothing about periods or anything and it was not until I had my first period that I realised and then sighed with relief because I was terrified I was going to get into trouble off my mother.

    I now have a 3.5 year old daughter and from the day she was born, there has not been one day that has past that I do not think about what happended to me. I am terrified someone will hurt my daughter and I am so protective of her - I try not to go too over the top, but for anyone who has been through this type of terror you will understand why I am this way!

    It is not that I did not think about it over the years but it did not haunt me as much as it does now. Another thing, he died many years ago and I do not want to die for fear of when I get to the other side I will have to face him (oh, that just brings chills to me even thinking about it - I am cringing right now).

    This might sound awful, but I want to try and be as honest as possible to try and get this off my chest, so whatever I am thinking of I am going to write.

    When my husband and I (who I love very much - we have been together for 15 years) have sex sometimes that thing comes into my mind and I get angry and I start yelling inside my head (are you happy are you enjoying this because all I want to do right now is kick you in the head and hurt you like you hurt me you are discusting and I hate you).

    Of course I don't kick him or say anything because I know it is my husband not this awful person who hurt me, but I just wish I could stop having these re-occuring feelings coming back and if there is anyone out there who has any suggestions as to how I can stop thinking about it, I would love to here from you.

    To anyone out there who may be thinking of hurting a child in this way or any other way that is wrong - I have to please ask you to think first because what you will do is destroy their life for good.

    There are many times in my life when I just don't want to be here anymore because of what he did to me, but the fact that I feel like he is waiting on the other side certainly does not make me want to go there in any hurry.

    Well, thank you for letting me vent my anger and voice my opinion I don't know if doing this will have any impact on helping me but I can only try...............

    Cheers for now
    Karen

     
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    Old 11-02-2004, 11:37 AM   #2
    Josh McGrath
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    I deleted my post because it wasnt helpful. I just wanted to reply quick so youd know help was out there

    Last edited by Josh McGrath; 11-02-2004 at 06:02 PM. Reason: Deleted most of the post

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 12:25 PM   #3
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Hi Josh,

    I was on medication 2 years ago but I stopped taking it once I got passed the level of wanting to commit suicide - I was actually going through post natal depression at the time as I had to go back to work and put my daughter in child care and I really struggled with this as I did not want to leave her (and only as I am writing this am I realising my reasons for really not wanting to leave her - I was scared someone would hurt her - oh my god, I am nearly in tears just thinking about that).

    I was seeing a therapist at the time but once we got deep into talking about what had happended to me, I stopped going as I found it really hard to look into my therapists face and explain to her in detail the events. I never made the connection of what happened to me and how I felt about my daughter being hurt until just now.

    You know it has been 34 years now since the molestation - you would think you could put it all behind you but is just not that easy. I seemed to have dealt with it over the years until my daughter was born. I also have two sons and although I did have concerns with someone hurting them it is very different with a little girl.

    I do also believe in God I am a christian, but I think it is all just the unknown about what really happens when we pass over that worries me.

    Thanks for your post and God Bless
    Karen

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 02:34 PM   #4
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Karen,
    I can relate to what you are feeling. I was molested by my father and an uncle. I was 5 years old when my uncle molested me but I can remember even the little details. My father molested me from the age of 5 to the age of 11, forcing me to masterbate in front of him, perform oral sex on him, masterbate him, and many more humiliating things. I'll never forget what he told me one morning while molesting me. He said, someday men will pay you to do this to them. He also threatened to hurt my mom if I ever told. I knew he would too! He beat my mother or tortured her almost nightly. The only reason it stopped is because my mother finally divorced him and left the state.

    Anyway, I went through most of my life distrusting men and even hating anyone who reminded me of my father. The actor who played Perry Mason??? I don't know why he reminded me of him but I hated looking at him. I never trusted older men except black or asian men. None of them reminded of my father I guess. I had boyfriends when I got older but if they had a little sister or niece I didn't trust them. God forbid the little sister would sit on his lap. I always thought the worst. Sex was difficult too, especially oral sex. I was disgusted by all of it. I can relate to the part where you said:...

    ...I get angry and I start yelling inside my head (are you happy are you enjoying this because all I want to do right now is kick you in the head and hurt you like you hurt me you are discusting and I hate you). I had the exact same thoughts many many times.

    I decided early on too, never to have children, in case I had a girl. I would have to kill someone if they hurt her, then I'd have to spend the rest of my life in prison while someone else raised her. The thought of that just scared me to death.
    I'm sorry for going on and on but it just wreaked havoc on nearly every area of my life. I felt shame, guilt, lost, lonely, empty, invisible, low self-esteem, you name it. If it was negative, I felt it. But it can be overcome.

    Today, at age 47, I have been happily married for 13 years. My entire life has done a complete metamorphasis. It didn't happen overnight though. It took a lot of small steps. The first of which was forgiveness. Easy to say, hard to do. It doesn't mean exhonorating the person, it just means letting it go, not dwelling on it, especially the hate. The hatred can eat away at you. It can even become an obsession if you let it. It can cause deep depression, and can do a tremendous amount of damage to both your mental and physical health. So forgiveness was the beginning. Relearning trust can take years and getting over the sexual dysfunction took me the longest. But every day, I feel more and more "normal" and whole. I no longer judge all men as evil molesters upon first meeting.

    I didn't have the benefit of it but I'm sure the process could be sped up with professional help. You mentioned that you did that for a while but it was difficult for you once you started getting deep into it. Maybe others who have had this experience can offer advise and moral support.

    Karen, I know you can overcome this horrible thing. Getting your thoughts focused on the love you have for your husband and child, and letting go of the hateful (though justified) thoughts is a good start. You also have the benefit of a lot of caring people on this board who you can talk to or just vent any time. In my experience, talking about it helps a LOT.

    God bless you, and don't worry about what happens on the other side. God is there.
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    It really doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.
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    Old 11-02-2004, 08:45 PM   #5
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Have you considered going back into therapy? I know you write that you were uncomfortable and stopped before, but now might be different. You are a little bit wiser, and maybe you have more insight and more willingness to deal with this. Now that your daughter is getting older, maybe you have more of a need as well.

    I know that even after all this time, it is not something you can just get over. But it is never too late, either.

    Best of luck. Let us know what you decide.

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 09:13 PM   #6
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Hi Karen,

    I've never experienced what you have been through, but I still wanted to reach out to you. The advice I can offer you is to seek therapy. I know in an earlier post you said you had been seeing someone but it got too painful to look your therapist in the face and go more deeply into the subject. But sometimes the best way to get over your fear or your pain is to face it. Get it out and talk about it. I was raped my freshman year of college and until I recently started seeing a therapist, it was still hard for me to deal with it. I'm also on meds, but for other reasons than just the rape. I'd highly suggest going back to a therapist and not giving up this time. And I'd even suggest looking into anti-anxiety meds for when you feel like you get stressed out. It's totally up to you, but I'm just telling you what helped me.

    Also, I wouldn't worry AT ALL about the afterlife, because if you are a true Christian you should know that evil child molesters go straight to hell, while innocent, undeserving people like you will go to heaven. Good luck, I wish you all the best.

    ~Meredith

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 11:13 PM   #7
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that horrible abuse. I don't think a person can just "get over it", but I know your soul can heal. You can come to terms with what happened, and not have to be haunted by it. It takes time, and usually counseling, but it is possible.

    I have the same fears about my daughter being abused someday. I will so everything in my power to make sure she stays safe. Please read the book "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin De Becker. It teaches people how to recognize the uncomfortable feeling that everyone gets from some people or situations and to trust that feeling because it's there to protect you. It tells you how to teach children to listen to their instincts too.

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 11:32 PM   #8
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Thank you all for your posts, I just wanted you to know I have read them but I am feeling rather upset after reading them so I will come back soon and post back to you.

    Perhaps it is a good thing that I feel like this because as some of you say - small steps at a time.

    Thank you and god bless you all.
    Karen

     
    Old 11-03-2004, 10:07 PM   #9
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    hi Karen

    Im so sorry to hear about your experiences hun. You and cookie have been so unbelievably brave in sharing your stories here. I know you're blatently feeling so terrible right now, I only wish I could help. I just wanted to say that personally I thank you both so much for telling your stories, it's really helped me in a way to feel that the trauma I suffer with too is actually justified, you know- like Im actually allowed to feel bad sometimes.
    Mermaid- I was so surprised to hear you say in your post that you've not been through the same thing - you were raped!! If anyone can understand the hurt and fear of sexual assault, Im sure YOU can sweetie.

    My own experience with abuse lasted for more than 4 years at the hands of my mum's 'boyfriend', though he was never actually her boyfriend- too hard to explain! More of a stalker she could never get rid of even after taking out the highest court ordered injunctions. He beat her a few times, though not regularly, but once he had his hands round her neck too tightly and she blacked out. Anyway, all that happened years before he started molesting me. There's too much to explain as to why he was still around after all that!
    It just seemed to happen outta nowhere one day when he picked me up from school, it scared me to death. He forced my hand wherever he wanted it to go. Then it gradually got worse; he started getting me drugs and after I took them, (my fault) he would always say 'you owe me now' in a threatening tone. By that, he made me believe that I had to do whatever he wanted, when he wanted. Even in my house, with my mum and brother there too, he molested me simply when I was going to have a bath or go to my room, obviously when they couldnt see. Eventually he went all the way, you know, then did it again. I keep having the same horrible dream over and over, where my mum comes home with him there as if they're friends, acting as if nothing ever happened. In the dream Im trying to scream out 'dont you remember what he did to me, mum?!' Im sure this dream reflects a lot on what I feel in real life, as it often seems like everyone around me forgets what happened except me, and my mum carries on talking about him as if he never did anything at all.

    The worst thing is my inability to enjoy any kind of closeness or intimacy to anyone. Im nearly 23, but havent been within touching distance of anyone since I was 17, I just totally avoid the whole outside world cos it makes me feel safer to stay indoors and isolated from people. Anyway eeek, I think its time I buggered off! Sorry for rambling.

    Karen, cookie and mermaid- I send you all my love xxxx

    luv michelle

     
    Old 11-04-2004, 12:44 AM   #10
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Karen
    To answer your question: No, you will never get over it...and that shouldn't be the point. Pop psych say we need closure, to move on, turn the corner; it makes it all sound like once your done with it your done--and that simply isn't the case. It will always be with you, though the difference should be a matter of degrees--to what degree is it affecting your daily life? The degree should lessen over time. I think we put this unnecessary pressure on ourselves to "get over it" when in fact, its not even possible.
    You mentioned having stronger feelings now that you have a daughter--that's totally normal. Often people who have had this experience manage to put it away--until some life changing event, like having children. Its not uncommon that this is rearing its ugly head now.
    You really need to consider finding a support group and/or therapist that specializes sexual abuse. It can make all the difference.
    Give yourself a break, take the time you need, and do things for yourself. You are worth the time, money, and committment needed for counseling.
    I will be praying for you,
    Jessica

     
    Old 11-04-2004, 12:45 PM   #11
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Meredith, Karen, and Michelle; For whatever it's worth, I prayed that God would give you the peace that passes all understaning, and give you the joy that was taken from you.
    Thank you Michelle. Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your story too. I know we are not a small minority. Women and children suffer a lot of sexual abuse in this country. I don't know what the numbers are, but I believe it is high.
    Karen, I'm so sorry that reading the posts upset you. I do understand though. I feel a kinship with you.
    God bless
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    Old 11-04-2004, 01:11 PM   #12
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    I don't think you ever totally get over having flash backs. I know I'm in my mid 40's and I still occassionally flashback. My story was that I was in first grade and a janitor in school lured me to the closet. I went home and reported him, my mother had him fired. It wasn't long my father began and I always blamed the incident that my "perfect father" wouldn't have except this janitor did something that made him think I was bad. It went on for years, even after I reported it to my mother, who didn't believe me. Now she believed me about the janitor but not about her perfect husband. As I got older and braver, I confronted my father, my parents did eventually divorce because my youngest sister reported him to her too. It turned out his brothers all molested their children. Boys were not excluded. I let it be known in the family the one who touched anyone of my nieces, nephews or children would deal with me and I wasn't missing when I pulled the trigger. Prison did not scare me either. I have gotten better the older I have gotten at accepting that "they were sick" and I did nothing to be blamed for. I did have children from the time they were 1 yr old I handed them the wash cloth and taught them how to clean their privates themselves, while sitting nearby I'd tell them that even mama's and daddies aren't suppose to touch them there and it was wrong and never be scared to come and tell. My daughter did come home an announce one day that a teacher in PE class had spread a girls legs further than apart showing the class a gymnastic technique. I went sick! I reported the incident to the principal. I often wonder if my distrust in men made me partner myself to woman, although butch women. I'm very feminine and all girlie...but men I loved, but yet I could not bond to them.

     
    Old 11-05-2004, 01:02 AM   #13
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Hi everyone and blessings to all of you for your openess and efforts to go on with life after such a horrid experience.

    I have 2 dear friends that found each other and married. They both had been victims of incest/molestation as children and struggled together through their marriage. They decided one day that perhaps they could use the experience to save other children and started a non-profit organization that publishes and distributes illustrated children's books on how to say NO.

    The books were a success and they distribute thousands of them annually. Still mailing everything out by hand. Having drives to get things promoted with friends and family and just trying to make a difference in one child's life makes their hard work worthwhile. More than anything, it helped them find a way to express their own pain and silent suffering.

    I only tell this story for inspiration to all of you. Though it seems macabre that such goodness could result from such ugliness, it can be done.

    Hugs to you all.

    Last edited by peanutgal; 11-05-2004 at 08:29 AM. Reason: Removed link to website. My apologies.

     
    Old 11-05-2004, 06:35 AM   #14
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Peanutgal, you nailed it! There is something very emotionally purging about helping others through our own pain. You expressed it so much better than I could have.
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    Old 11-05-2004, 03:10 PM   #15
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    Re: Do you ever get over being molested

    Hi All,

    Well this is going to be a very long post because I have just spent time reading through all of your very kind thoughts, advice and well wishes and I have written a post back to each of you, so here it goes.....

    Josh McGrath
    Hi Josh, I thank you for your post and even though you think it was not helpful it did help me because it made me take just one step further in getting my thoughts out so I thank you for that. Cheers Karen

    Cookiepls
    Hi Cookie, First of all I would like to say, I love your name and I am so sorry to here your story - You said you decided never to have children so when my daughter got up this morning (and I hope you do not mind) in my mind I became you for just a minute and gave my daughter a very big hug and kiss for you as a mother.

    I like your idea of the small steps strategy so have decided if the ugly thoughts enter my head I am just going to try and think of small steps and focus on something that makes me happy, something that can take my mind off it - I don't know what that thought will be but next time it happens I will definitely try it - it sounds like a great idea - Thank you and God Bless You.

    Analog2000
    Thank you for your post, I really don't feel like I can go back into therapy, but I love Cookies post and I am going to try the small steps at a time. I agree it is never too late - there are some other issues that I need to deal with as well, so I will use this strategy to deal with them as well - I really think it can help me, I already feel like I have taken some small steps in dealing with this issue. Thank you and God Bless You.

    MermaidMer
    As I said to Analog2000 above, I just do not feel like I can go back into therapy but I do feel good about this board. All of you posts have helped me in some big or small way and I am still scared of the afterlife because I do not know if he repented his sins before he died which means he will be in heaven - I just remember the day and being told about him dying - I also remember being very happy that he died at the time.

    You know I found out about two years ago that his daughter moved to America (I am from Australia) and she committed suicide and his grand daughter had a dummy (pacifier) until she was 11 years old and I just know in my heart now that I was not the only person he hurt - thank god he is not in this life anymore - Thank you for your post and God Bless You.

    Dinobites
    Thank you for your post - I have completed a course on Children and Sexuality and part of the course was about sexual abuse so I have put in some tips below of things that help us identify abuse in others.

    The possible behaviours that will be exhibited are:

    Looking for sexual activities
    Being much more focussed on genitals than other children
    Exposing genitals
    Rubbing genitals against others or asking to have them rubbed
    Sexual seductiveness
    Sexuall aggression towards other children
    Interpretation of close physical contact in a sexual way
    Excessive masturbation
    Unexplained genital soreness, redness, bleeding injury
    Drawings which feature an erect penis, particularly if only one person
    Obsession with sex
    Fear or anxiety related to sexual behaviour or talk
    More than one 'doubtful' behaviour

    Other ways of helping to identify are the following:

    Signs of stress which may be linked with these behaviours - Bedwetting, soiling, regression, clinging, fear of separation, general anxiety, withdrawal, agression, self abuse.

    What they told us to do is:
    Observe and accurately record the childs behaviour, what is happening and when
    What else is happening. Any emotional/behavioural changes and when did these occur
    Is anything else of concern happening in the childs life
    What do you know of the childs family and environment
    Ask for advice and help.

    What the teacher said to us is that children display a multiple of these behaviours not just one - I hope both you and I and of course others never have to identify with any of this but if it helps to give information to others to help I am happy to pass it on.

    I hope this can give you an others good tips - thank you for your post and God Bless you

    Messy
    You said in your post about it is alright to let yourself actually feel bad sometimes - well I have decided I am going to and I am not going to feel guilty anymore.

    You have been through a terrible time and I am so sorry for that. Isn't it terrible how adults say to children it is your fault - it is one of the things that I teach my daughter about. I tell her if someone ever says that to her she is not to blame herself and that it is alright to tell me or Daddy.

    I never get angry at her about the things she does wrong because she is a child who is learning. I do this so she never feels afraid to come and tell me when she has done something wrong. What I do is teach her about the experience and teach her what is right. I let her know that I am on to her when she is telling fibs and I tell her it is alright to tell me what really happened - I just make sure I don't ever get angry and teach her the right thing.

    You know I have this thing about giving to charity because that is what I was doing on the day when the incident happened - I realised this in therapy. This is one of the positive things that came out of all of this - I have helped alot of people by giving and it is something I will carry on with - I particularly give to hospitals and homeless childrens funds.

    You know many years later after the incident I was talking to my sister about it and I told her what I had said when I was little was true. She told me she was abused also but would not tell me who it was. I know it was not my godfather because she said it wasn't but thinking about it years later I think it was one of my half brothers. They never lived with us and we did not meet them until we were in our teens. She has not said it was him but thinking back I think it was. I would love to ask her but I don't want to dig up old dirt or make her have to think about it either.

    You spoke about intimacy and your problem with this, perhaps you could use the small steps at a time too - I would love to here your progress and given you are only 23 you have many years ahead of you so if you could slowly overcome this it would be in your favour. Keep us posted - I would love to know that you have been able to progress in a positive way - Thank you for your post and God Bless You.

    Jess301
    I definitely agree with you about over time because there were years in between when it did not bother me, it all came back very quickly though when I gave birth to my beautiful little girl (who at this time is making alot of noise behind me - god bless her little soul). I now have to deal with this in a very different way than I did before and I guess the moral here is that different life experiences are going to bring it back and I guess it is just how you deal with it.

    I am going to go with cookies advise and do one small step at a time. Thank you for your words around being worth it, it has made me think more about what I do to myself physically - ie; eating more than I should and keeping myself overweight so men don't pay attention to me.

    I really do want to look good but I just hat the attention I get from males when I do - I just kind of don't know how to deal with this issue properly yet - but your kind words do help - one small step..... Thank you for your post and God Bless You.

    Peanutgal
    I love the idea of the organisation - I live in Australia - do you know if their books have made it to Australia - do they have a website, I would love to know more about it.

    Well everyone, I think this may be the longest post in history - I would like to thank you all for your very kind words of advise and well wishes - take care everyone and God Bless

    Karen

    Last edited by KSaan; 11-05-2004 at 03:12 PM.

     
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    What do you do when your child might have been molested????HELP!!! Kristie Alsteen Parenting Issues 8 04-17-2003 09:18 AM




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