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    Old 11-16-2004, 08:09 PM   #1
    messy
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    how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Sometimes, I feel like hurtful comments from those who are supposed to be the closest to me, are gonna be the end of me. It's become too overwhelming at times, when I've realised that the only few people I have in my life are so ignorant, that they have no idea their words are as deadly as a knife to the chest. In my own case, Im badly socially/agorophobic so I rarely get to meet new people. The few friends I do have, let me count- 4 max(!) are peeps Ive known since junior school, one is an ex-boyfriend. Yet every single one of them has come out with a devastating comment to me at some time or another. One of them said 'well you chose to be like this'. Another said 'you could work if you want to, you just cant be bothered'. Again another said 'youre schizophrenic and weird'. Thats from my best friends, Im dreading to know what strangers and enemies are gonna say about me. Even after coming close to death because of clinical depression, (Ive made several suicide attempts) not one single friend has asked me how Im feeling after that. Not one person has ever acknowledged what happened, or showed the slightest bit of concern. After 1 attempt, my so-called best friend did comment, but by saying 'didnt you think of me?' (As in her). Its been completely ignored ever since. Ironically in fact, after that I spent hours consolling one of those friends about something stupid like a tiff with her boyfriend. I dont have a boyfriend, or kids, or a dad, or close family, and have very few 'real' friends, yet Ill still go out my way to help them. I hardly even ever get out this house.

    Sorry to go on and on, lol. I know many depressed people will have had similar nasty comments from people- can any of you guys please tell me about your own experiences, and how you cope with them? Im so interested to hear your personal stories. Thanks and I hope so much you dont let ignorant people bring you down as much as they have me!

    luv michelle

     
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    Old 11-16-2004, 08:27 PM   #2
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Maybe you are outgrowing your friends???

    I avoid people who make comments like that. Many people I know are aware that depression is an illness. Others are ignorant, but not unkind about it. You sound like you need a lot more treatment - it can take a long time, even if you're on meds, you have to undo all the emotional hurt.

    If you can't find people who respect you, maybe you need to go it alone for a while. Pull away from these harsh people who call you "schizophrenic". You can talk to us in the meantime. We know what it's like.

     
    Old 11-19-2004, 08:39 AM   #3
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    hi im new here i know what u mean about hurtful comments and worried about what people think of u, im 36 i still dont know why people say thing they do, i know that at time everyone gets mad and say things they dont mean but every day i hear it over and oaver from the one person i love alot and try to do for him but nothing good enough he always right and im wrong.i try to think of something postive or look at my kids to bring the smile back and think every day there a new day a new beginning somewhere.im scare depress and very self conscousicous about myself i feel like i cant meet up to the standards my huband wants me to be.so see ur not alone , just get up put on the happy face and try turning to god for answers u need . im trying not always understanding and making the best of things as i go.i dont know if what ive told u helps but i hope u know u got friends here that will be here if u need to talk as i hope ill make some too cause im not very outgoing either.

     
    Old 11-19-2004, 03:23 PM   #4
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Most people understand that depression is an ILLNESS. But there are a few cruel and/or ignorent folks who believe otherwise. Surround yourself with those who understand.

     
    Old 11-20-2004, 04:08 AM   #5
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    It is very painful, discouraging and in very vulnerable people, can end up haunting them for the rest of their lives blurted out in a reckless, senseless and downright stupid way.

    Often the more depressed, stressed or insecure we feel about ourselves, we tend to almost look to our family and friends as we would in a mirror for positive, kind, loving and encouraging messages to be fed to our hungry soul but as unfortunate as what it is - people do and say often incredibly hurtful things simply *because they do not know better!*

    All of this hurt which we feel from negative or uncaring behaviour or feedback is because our our belief in ourselves is so low, so empty almost that without us realizing it, we look towards others to literally fill up our 'empty' cup for us.

    As you have found out. That is frought with danger!

    Every single human being has some level of insecurities about themselves whether it is about body image or mental/emotional issues. Those people who have a very strong sense of identity with very high self esteem will simply laugh off any negative, hurtful comments simply because they believe *so* strongly in who they know they really are that they can swing around on a dime, turn and walk away and not even think ever again about what was said to them.

    I know that this can sound unbelievably difficult during depression or anxiety states but if those around you are harming you rather than helping you, you have one of two choices. Avoid being around them so that they cannot continually pick at your vulnerable condition OR try, in what ever small ways that you can to do things to enrich your life which will uplift your spirits, make you feel a bit better about yourself and what you know you can do and who you are as a person.

    Scientific tests have shown that one of the most useful way for people who are extremely vulnerable to the negative comments of others is to try, in which ever way you can to reach out and help someone, other than yourself who is also in need.

    Offer to help an elderly lady to bring some groceries home for her if you know you are going shopping anyhow. Comment to the lady at the cash out till that you really love her hair/watch/nailvarnish/smile - anything whereby, in small ways you make someone else feel good about themselves, thus taking the focus off you feeling so down about yourself and things which are said to you.

    You start with small tiny, easy to handle things and perhaps you might even reach a stage where you offer to help out for even an hour per week or when ever you feel capable, to help at a charity which appeals to you.

    There is nothing as therapeutic and self esteem strengthening as to turn the focus off yourself and concentrate on someone else, no matter if you feel you can only do that for minimum periods of time.

    You need to start to build up your own, inner sense of self if at all possible and over time you will see a new pattern emerging whereby the silly, non sensical comments of others will not hurt or get to you half as much and eventually, not at all.

    If you are still feeling extremely vulnerable and happen to be confronted by someone whom you cannot avoid and who tends to put you down?

    Stay calm, collected, see through their own insecurities as people who feel good about themselves never have a need to put anyone else down so they are in fact the person who needs the most sympathy.

    You can sweetly reply "Well thank you so much 'Joe,' I have always appreciated what a wonderfully kind, understanding and helpful person you are." Smile and leave.

    It takes some practise but you will be amazed at how the spoken word and message behind it gradually seeps into even the most hardened heart and you are in fact educating this person in many far reaching ways.

    Hang in there. Try to get hold of a good Cognitive Behavioural Book if you are not too depressed to read as you can teach yourself and your brain so much about how to protect yourself against the meangingless comments of people who are part and parcel of all of our lives.

     
    Old 01-10-2005, 03:12 PM   #6
    stressedout
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by messy
    Sometimes, I feel like hurtful comments from those who are supposed to be the closest to me, are gonna be the end of me. It's become too overwhelming at times, when I've realised that the only few people I have in my life are so ignorant, that they have no idea their words are as deadly as a knife to the chest. In my own case, Im badly socially/agorophobic so I rarely get to meet new people. The few friends I do have, let me count- 4 max(!) are peeps Ive known since junior school, one is an ex-boyfriend. Yet every single one of them has come out with a devastating comment to me at some time or another. One of them said 'well you chose to be like this'. Another said 'you could work if you want to, you just cant be bothered'. Again another said 'youre schizophrenic and weird'. Thats from my best friends, Im dreading to know what strangers and enemies are gonna say about me. Even after coming close to death because of clinical depression, (Ive made several suicide attempts) not one single friend has asked me how Im feeling after that. Not one person has ever acknowledged what happened, or showed the slightest bit of concern. After 1 attempt, my so-called best friend did comment, but by saying 'didnt you think of me?' (As in her). Its been completely ignored ever since. Ironically in fact, after that I spent hours consolling one of those friends about something stupid like a tiff with her boyfriend. I dont have a boyfriend, or kids, or a dad, or close family, and have very few 'real' friends, yet Ill still go out my way to help them. I hardly even ever get out this house.

    Sorry to go on and on, lol. I know many depressed people will have had similar nasty comments from people- can any of you guys please tell me about your own experiences, and how you cope with them? Im so interested to hear your personal stories. Thanks and I hope so much you dont let ignorant people bring you down as much as they have me!

    luv michelle

    I'm sorry to hear about all that! :-( I can definitely relate the hurtful comments part,all my life I've dealt with being called ugly, a freak, a *****, 2 faced, a user, being told I'm not wanted, etc, and the list goes on to be honest. The thing is I'm not any of these things, well I dunno about whether I'm pretty or not but the rest, I'm not. I've always felt I'm a good person, yet a lot of the time if I try to help anyone, it gets thrown back in my face, and I can't understand why. It hurts and it really gets me low, and lately I just dont even feel myself anymore :-(

     
    Old 01-10-2005, 04:12 PM   #7
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Hi Michelle
    First I want to say what an excellent idea for a post. This is something I've had
    problems with for years. The comments would hurt so much it leaves me speachless,
    most of the comments I've heard are from family as I got tired of being hurt by
    so called friends and aquaintances. Here lately and it's been a very slow process
    I finally realized we teach others how we want them to treat us. Another words
    if we allow them to walk on us or say things we dont like and then not say anything we saying it's ok. I think your other responses have been saying the same thing in other words. If we dont like what some says or does, then we need to find a way to tell them, even if it's to get mad, (this is new it takes time to learn) you're human, you have emotions, and feelings. No one can stand up for you better than yourself. That was scary for me, sometimes I do ok and other times I still walk away hurt, but the important thing is I finally realized I the only one that can fix my problem is me. Take baby steps, one at a time. You already took one step by posting here. I've been letting people walk on me for over 45yrs, dont wait that long, if I can do it, so can you. Good Luck, K

     
    Old 01-10-2005, 06:41 PM   #8
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    Lightbulb Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Hey there, I actually have been in a similar situation for a long time. i've only just started realizing people's meanness for what it is. I personally have been slowly letting those people out of my life, cutting them off if needed be, but I know that is hard when you are down and any person seems better than no one. I agree with the post above about starting to help others, I'm trying to do that now myself.

    Also...and this helps a bit with depression, at least if you do'nt go back over and keep reading what you wrote, but I have found journaling to help. In fact, when people are mean to me, I keep it logged in my journal, I write about what they said in detail, why I think they said it (no reasons to do with me), and how I feel about it. I just find it a really good release.

    Another way to cope...and this takes a lot, I know, I have just been realizing I need to do this myself...but by being assertive. If someone says something you don't like, you have to tell them. You can say anything from, "I don't appreciate what you said about me and I don't ever want to hear it again" to a very assertive "Stop it!" If you keep doing this they may come to realize that they are causing you pain. A lot of people who throw out hurtful comments like that are very insecure about themselves, and do it to release how they feel about themselves so that they feel better, momentarily. I really think you shouldn't blame yourself for their hurtful comments as it sounds like they have some issues communicating like adults in the first place.

    I hope things get better for you! These people shouldn't be treating you like that. *hugs*

     
    Old 01-11-2005, 06:17 AM   #9
    Blue102
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Hey, I understand totally. I'm very sensitive too. Sometimes, I think, people make rude comments on purpose, just to be mean. (Why? I don't know!) Everything will be going just great, and then comes this comment out of nowhere, and you're struck dumb. You just don't know what to say. The next time this happens to me, I think I will look at them and say, "You know, that was a really rude thing to say." It's a small thing, but it's standing up for yourself.

    Most of the time people probably don't mean to hurt your feelings. They might even just be trying to be helpful. But when you're depressed, everything cuts like a knife. (I know this very well.) Let them know that it hurt you. They'll probably say something like, "Oh, you're too sensitive" or "I was just trying to help." Say, "Thanks anyway, but I didn't appreciate the way you said it."

    If you talk about your depression with people who don't know much about it, they will try to offer advice and help. So, maybe the best way to avoid 'helpful' comments is to only talk about your feelings with people who do understand. Like us on this board.

    I don't know if that was helpful, but just so you know, rude comments happen to everybody. TRY not to let it get you down, just try to learn to deal with it, I guess. I'm still trying, myself.

    PS. It seems like when you feel good about yourself, rude comments don't hurt as much. Start with building your self esteem!

     
    Old 01-11-2005, 07:34 AM   #10
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    It seems that being depressed is the same as wearing a sign over your head that says:

    Would all abusive people please seek me out? The Line forms here.

    It is so infuriating the there are such predators out there that say such cruel and awful things. And many of them don't say it out of ignorance, either. Oh no! They know exactly what they are doing and saying.

    It's as if they are like a pack of hyenas, seeking out the frail gazelle and will circle it until they attack.

    Well, what goes around, comes around. It will all come back on them one day.

    Quote:
    probably say something like, "Oh, you're too sensitive"
    That is the biggest copout! Anytime anyone ever says that, it's because they can't and won't be accountable for their rude behavior and trust me, they are not the type of person one should even want to be around, much less be friends with. Do not walk away...RUN! These people are bad news.

    Last edited by Vintage Wine; 01-11-2005 at 07:36 AM.

     
    Old 01-12-2005, 06:16 PM   #11
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Hey...

    I'm new here too and I know what it's like to go out of your way to help your 'friends', to listen to their problems and actually care in spite of your own demons. I try not to compare the severity of my friends problems to my own. Since i've been depressed i've realised that the size of the problem and its effects vary from person to person. Little comments really bring me down as well (i even remember criticisms from primary school) i can't get them out of my head, they morph and expand behind my back.
    I wish i could tell you how to deal with it. It's horrid when you consider yourself an understanding and open person but feedback from others seems negative, like the people you care about don't care, don't even try to understand. I really think it's down to experience, some people just can't imagine inertia, ("just get out of bed!") or how a single thought can stop you doing the things you want or used to do. It is simply hard for them and that's not their fault nor is it your fault. It's the ignorance of their comments' that get to you, they can't comprehend the depth of what you are going through.
    Some avoid trying because they can't face up or because they honestly don't know the seriousness of your feelings and the true impact they have on you. Some will just write you off as a miserable, sad person. I find that it's the thoughtless comments from my family and friends that stick and hurt the most, not from strangers. I'm sure nothing i'm saying is new to you but i understand and i hope that can at least be helpful to you.

    Hugs,

    Mori1.

     
    Old 01-13-2005, 06:55 AM   #12
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    I have the same problems. I try and do everything for everyone else before I put myself ahead first. I was told i have stress/anxiety and then was just told that I have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). I haven't taken anytime for myself -work, have to leave , went to school -had to leave, then I had to get another job (i live on my own with my boyfriend) and just on the weekend had to leave cause I had to go to emergency and now I'm told that I have some kind of infection. Could be kidney. My boyfriend just sits there and yells at me, 'when are you going to get a life', blah blah blah. He didn't believe I went to the hospital, he had to see my braclets first (from the hospital) I don't even know if that convinced him. It's like unless I'm bleeding or I can't walk then he thinks I'm fine. We haven't even had sex in 2 years!! (well maybe once every 4 months) Obviously there's something wrong with me!! Now I have to find another job cause I have to pay rent and the bills and food (he hasn't paid for anything since we moved here and that was in June) But I don't feel right, my stomach is in constant pain all day, he just doesn't understand . He thinks I'm fine and should be able to do anything. There's so much more I could say that he says, he just makes me so mad I get upset just talking about it.
    From reading the other posts, I guess I should just leave him , cause he's not making me feel any better, especially about myself......
    I wish you luck michelle, and if you have any advice for me, it's appreciated
    take care,
    jewelz

     
    Old 01-13-2005, 09:03 PM   #13
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    There's no way I could be around people like that. That would plunge me into a deeper depression for sure.

    I just had to confront my mother about several comments she makes to towards me that really upset me. It wasn't anything like what you have been told, but she said, "You just have to program your mind to get over this," or here's another one, "You don't need to be taking so many medicines cause they can really warp your mind."

    She doesn't understand depression and I really don't expect her to understand what it is I'm going through. Heck, I don't understand why I do the things I do, either. I can't expect her to understand it if I can't fully understand it myself. I'm sure she's not sure what to say.

    But, little things like that can really trigger you. I just felt she was pushing and pushing me more than I was capable of doing. I do the best I can each day. I should say, my mother is miles away from me and doesn't see what my husband sees in me everyday. She's got no idea how bad things really are. But, the comments are really hurtful and I eventually had to tell her that. I was afraid she would say something one day when I was at my lowest and I would try to hurt myself. She apologized and said she would never want to hurt me and that she just didn't know what to say.

     
    Old 01-13-2005, 11:42 PM   #14
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    Re: how do you cope with hurtful comments?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by messy
    Sometimes, I feel like hurtful comments from those who are supposed to be the closest to me, are gonna be the end of me. . Thats from my best friends,

    Sorry to go on and on, lol. I know many depressed people will have had similar nasty comments from people- can any of you guys please tell me about your own experiences, and how you cope with them? Im so interested to hear your personal stories. Thanks and I hope so much you dont let ignorant people bring you down as much as they have me!

    luv michelle
    Oh my gosh! Heck, seems like you are better off than your "best friends!" Depression is the worst and brings the strongest emotions to the surface-but what is with the spite? The selfishness? That's like telling your blind date you didn't know he was bald!!! Or maybe taking a few bucks out of your 10 year old's piggy bank!

    It's no picnic to have a close friend hit rock bottom and even turn to you for constant help, and you end up not knowing what to do, getting frustrated and you really have to spend time to help. HOWEVER...I love my friends and for the most part honestly hurt for people who feel much like yourself. Sounds like your "friends" are not worth your heartache.

    I have no answers...I too have been so hurt my the same people I helped, loved and worried over. i am not super religious, but now and again I sit in church-even by myself-and if only for that Sunday, feel wonderful. I can never remember a word of the surmon, but every single person has a beautiful, genuine smile for the entire 40 minutes!

    Good luck. Take care of that fantastic heart!

     
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