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  • Depression without being depressed???

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    Old 11-29-2004, 12:51 PM   #1
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    Depression without being depressed???

    Hi everyone -

    I have suffered from clinical depression as far back as I can remember. Even so far back as being a child and looking in the mirror and wondering what that darkness inside of me was about. I used to run to my father and tell him I thought I was turning into a vampire or some evil creature because I could just see darkness behind my eyes. My mother attempted suicide so many times I lost count. Her brother didn't mess around with attempts and just pulled the trigger aiming at his head one day. My brother is clinically depressed and sociopathic so it seems to run in the family.

    I have been taking Lexapro 20 mg for about 2 years now. And that entire time I have been fatigued. Fatigue to the point where I am not working. It followed a bout with mononucleosis where I was switched from Prozac to Effexor (which incidently put 37 lbs on me in 6 weeks and I complained - ending up on Celexa which was then changed to Lexapro.)

    I have been posting on different health areas here for over a month but today I learned that my brain MRI came back fine and my EMG/NCV test came back fine which is seeming to eliminate a true physical problem with my body.

    The past 3 months I started having tremors but only when I actually use a muscle. That is what prompted all the tests. My PCP recognized fasciculations in my hand and the tremors confused her, but again - EMG/NCV test showed no peripheral issues. I have read every single disease and disorder from A-Z and see absolutely nothing that fits my symptoms. I am left sitting here wondering if I am making it all up on some sort of subconscious level or something.

    Could it be the Lexapro causing this? I am suffering severe anhedonia (loss of pleasure) and nothing matters to me. I don't feel "depressed" in fact, I wish I DID want to commit suicide because at least then I would want to do SOMETHING for a change. I feel as if I am a lifeless mass and I hate it yet I feel no desire to do anything about it and yet I do... I know, I am just as confused as those of you reading this.

    Can you be depressed without being sad?

    I feel outside of myself. I don't feel right in the head. I feel fogged and my memory seems to be getting worse on short-term things. My ears ring so loud that I can barely hear myself think. ENT says nothing wrong with ears except neurosensory hearing loss bilaterally with no significant cause - and MRI is fine remember?

    I'm sorry but I just don't know where to turn. My shrink is on vacation until the 7th of December and I want to try to go off my Lexapro. I don't want to wait. I don't want to wean. I want my life back. I want to care about things. I want to be a responsible person in the world. I took the last Lexapro yesterday and I sit here staring at the bottle wondering if I should just skip the refill - and if I fill it, if I wonder if I can cut them in half?

    I have heard there are horrible side effects when you quit SSRI's and Christmas is right around the corner. I don't want to add to the complications I am having during the holidays - but I want to start the year anew. A clean slate. Feeling healthy and vibrant and motivated to tackle life again.

    Can anyone relate to my psychobabble nonsense here? Has anyone else been on Lexapro and lost all motivation - physically and mentally? Am I going insane? I don't even feel sad. I don't feel hopeless. I don't really feel much of anything except a twinge of desire to return to the person I used to be - which all seems like a long forgotten dream of normalcy.

    Sorry - I just needed to vent. I don't want to scare my husband talking this way. I didn't know where else to turn. Thanks for being here.


    Last edited by peanutgal; 11-29-2004 at 04:20 PM. Reason: anal about spelling

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    Old 11-29-2004, 03:57 PM   #2
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    Re: Depression without being depressed???

    I was on Lexapro. And i can tell you DO NOT stop it cold turkey. The drug has to be tapperd off. I stopped it cold turkey, not knowing better, and my body and joints acked(hurt really really bad) for about 6 weeks. While i was on Lexapro at first it felt great, but it also made me very fatigued feeling, and eveything became a fog during the time i was on lexapro. It totally messed with my short term memory. I felt very lathargic while on the lexapro. It can make you feel numb- like you are not in or out of a room. I also had bruses cropping up, which scared me. The tremors may be from one of the meds you are taking. I know that some meds cause tremors, esp. if you are on a high dose. I had hopes for the lexapro because it had done more to remove the fog of depression than prozac. Prozac seemed to just cover it up but the underlinening issues were still there and i did not know what to do with the issues. The lexapro seemed to help me feel better and accept what i could and at first i felt like trying to deal with some of the issues... but then the med begain to swallow me into a thick blancket of numbness. Which i quess if i was in one of those times when the sould was hurting really badly .. would not be so bad to be numb... rambling...
    hopes this helps. Hang in there. Despite your depression you are a loveable and loving and creative person.

    Old 11-29-2004, 08:21 PM   #3
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    Re: Depression without being depressed???

    Yes, I can relate to you. Im also sorry to hear youre going through all this.

    Can you be depressed without being sad?

    Very much so. Theres a disorder called dysthymia that is more of an underlying depression. It can cause numerous problems and its not always diagnosed as depression right away. I know because I had this a few years back.
    Depression is not only mental, but effects your whole body as well. It sounds like you may actually be going through a depressive episode right now. Id ask your psychiatrist about trying something different. Im surprised youre doc hasnt had you try something else considering what you told us here.

    As far as stopping taking it, DO NOT just quit taking it. Bastila is correct about tapering off. If you gradually decrease the dose you will have few if any withdrawl symptoms. Ive stopped taking two different ADs the correct way and have never had any withdrawl symptoms.

    Id call the office where your doc works and ask if theres someone there you can see before Dec. 7th if you dont want to wait.

    Hang in there.

    Last edited by hrt1; 11-29-2004 at 08:23 PM.

    Old 11-29-2004, 09:11 PM   #4
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    Re: Depression without being depressed???

    Thanks so much for the information and advice. I filled the prescription and will just wait it out to see what doc says. I am not on really good and honest terms with my shrink. He sees me for 20 minutes once every 3-6 months and sends me out the door. I was so happy that I wasn't feeling the typical sadness and hopelessness of depression, that I purposely did not confide in him the other issues I was having. I am to blame. I need to get myself a psychiatrist I like and feel comfortable with. With the feelings of depression seemingly gone, I just assumed it was a physical manifestation of some sort. Especially since everything started after my mononucleosis - which coincides with the start of this medication.

    Thanks again,

    Last edited by peanutgal; 12-01-2004 at 02:38 PM.

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