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  • What does this dream mean?

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    Old 02-21-2005, 03:18 AM   #31
    Man Apart
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    Re: What does this dream mean?

    My dreams are about as vivid and real as can be. There are times I wake up and go, "thank God that was just a dream," cos it felt so real. Of course theres always fear in each of. I didn't run away because I loved her. Im not afraid of her. Im afraid of the path to her, and just about everything else. If she was in my room right now Id be the happiest man alive. But shes not, thats the problem. Shes far not only in distance but in circumstance. Its not as easy as just sending her a ticket to come here. Theres a process we would have to go through that is daunting, expensive, and highly unlikely for us to succeed in. I remember it was perhaps the straw that broke my back that day, my last thoughts were of the one or two year marathon we would have to run just to get her here with me. And what if we failed, what if she goes for her interview and they deny her, that is a pain I dont want her to go through and a pain I dont think I could endure. I would go insane, literally and do drastic things to get her here illegally. Because when you fall in love that deep. Your rational mind takes a backseat to desperation and desperate measures. I ask myself everyday, is it worth it. Shes worth it. Thats a easy question to answer. But to her, Im not worth what she would have to go through. Im just not.

    She told me something the other day that ive been thinking alot about. She said if we are to break up now maybe I have a chance to survive and heal. But if we go too deep, I dont think I can heal. So everyday I live with this pressure of making a decision. And Im running out of time.

    Your right, having her in my life would give me great strength, confidence and simply just that incentive to want to endure the vigors of life. Why work all day and come home to nothing and noone. Ive always felt that way. But also through her I can stop hating myself. I can finally look in the mirror and accept me, if she can, then so can I. So the question is, is my life goals more obtainable with her? Absolutely. Thats weirdness of it all. If she was here, I could work in the day time, I could go to school, I could face anything. Cos I have no reason to envy or fear, or feel less than anyone else, cos I have something special in my life and I have a reason for me. I would have found my reason to be, to live. I know thats alot to drop on her shoulders, but its more than that. Its not about her, shes just the key to unlock the door.

    I dont believe in hypnosis. Well, it would be worth a try but, I dunno. lol. Its expensive and I seriously doubt it would work on me. But I think Ive finally found a way to get on the plane. And to be honest its the only way I could think of. And its pretty pathetic and embarrassing, being that im 25 years old. But this condition doesnt care how old I am it cripples me reguardless. I begged my mother to go with me. And she agreed. Only because she knows that im not just going over there to meet a girl, Im going there to change my life. She knows how important this is to me. Ive never been on a plane before, I dont know how to get to the downtown area of my city without a map. Its very distressing to think Ill be able to go from one obscure city on one side of the world to another all by myself and not have anything go wrong. My mom is experienced in flying and travelling and has been many places. I told her, I just need someone to show me around first, before I can start just wandering around the world. But she told me that I can travel across the world to see this girl on my own, the thing you really fear is inside you.

    Seems like the unconscious part of my brain has a override key to the conscious part. But I dont know what im doing Geena. i dont know what Im getting into. I dont know. Do I love her, of course, so very much. But, what am I doing, you know. Shes on the other side of the planet. I know I could never EVER EVEEVVVEEEEEEERRR and I mean EVVVVERRRRRRR find someone like her or even close to her here in this country. Its night and day between the women here and the women there. I remember when I lost all that weight and went on my little dating escapade. It was the worst experience of my life. And it just came to a end when that girl told me she was mentally and emotionally attracted to me but not physically. I just couldnt go through that anymore. I know if Roselyn was born here she would be the same way. She'd be americanized, shallow and arrogant and full of herself. She has alot of reasons to be cos she is amazingly beautiful. Just ask Belize. But where shes from, life humbles you. You cant grow shallowness, and arrogance, when you live in that type of world. I dont know, im rambling now. What were we talking about again? Oh dreams, ok um,

    The teeth dreams are just, I dunno, weird. It has somethign to do with my self image I know. I knowif I lost some of my teeth id never leave the house anymore. I remember the other day i asked my mother what would I need to do if i lost like 15 of my teeth all at once. lol Id want caps, i couldnt live with false teeth.

    Dont laugh, but I had a preggar dream once. lol. It was awhile ago though. There was no rational explanation for it and everyone acted as if it was normal. lol. I remember throughout the dream that I made a emphasis to eat like the healthiest stuff in the world. I read boxes when I went shopping, i wanted my baby to be the healthiest baby ever. lol. Then the end was very weird. i finally gave birth. They cut the baby out of me and told me I had a boy. They put the baby in my arms and I realized it was me. The baby in all of my own baby pictures. And for some reason I became distraut. I actually wanted to get rid of it. Cos i already knew what it would grow up to be.

    In my original post I think at the end I said I wish I could go back 26 year and 9 months back in time and tell my parents theyre about to give birth, to emptiness.

    They did.

    Last edited by Man Apart; 02-21-2005 at 03:27 AM.

     
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    Old 02-21-2005, 04:51 AM   #32
    Man Apart
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    Re: What does this dream mean?

    Oh one more thing. I had a Roz dream a couple nights ago. There is absolutely no meaning behind it, its just one of those weird dreams where you wake up and scratch your head.

    She was in some kind of hospital or labortory. And I heard screaming and crying. I looked inside the doors and it looked like these two doctors were performing some king of surgical procedure, and sticking long needles in her and I went into the room and I asked the doctor, if he would mind sedating her or something for the pain. She kept calling to me to help her, reaching out to me, begging me to help her. I told her everything would be fine. I asked the doctors if I could see her file. They told me to leave. And I ask well what is she doing here, what are you performing and they never told me and just asked me to please leave or Id be arrested. So I left and stood outside the door. And the screaming and crying just started weighing on me. So I opened the doors again and I asked the doctor, please sir, she is obviously in a incredible amount of pain, what kind of person are you to do this to someone. And the guy yelled at me and called security. So I looked at her and she was just saying over and over, please help, please help, dont let them hurt me anymore. So I walked over to her and I asked, why is she beign tied up liek this, what are all these things your injecting her with. And I said Im sorry doctor Im untying her and placing her in someone elses care until I understand whats going on here. Then this dude punched me. And yelled, get out. I go tup and pushed him and I untied her and carried her out of the room, but then I saw security guards coming, so I went back in the room and found a window. The doctor was yelling at me, you dont know what your doing, your making a mistake, you dont know what your carrying in your arms, you dont understand. So we climbed out of the window and I carried her over my shoulder and we ran off. And then people started shooting at us. lol. I was like what the heck is going on, if shes a patient why would they be shooting at us. We got in my car and drove away and we hid in some abandoned house. I layed her down and put my coat over her and then I realized, all the scars, incisions and stuff she had were gone. She grabbed my hand the moment she woke up. I asked her what were they doing to you, what happened to yoru scars? She just became quiet(which is a common trait of hers) and put her head on my chest.

    Again weird and seemingly meaningless, but thought id share that.

    Ive been ok at times, and really miserable at times, but I know why. I dont know if the medication is really helping. The clonazepam helped me sleep but now it suddenly stopped working. Im having endless nightmares. So much stuff going on in this house. Of by the way, im moving out in a few months. Maybe a change of scenery will help. I dunno. Your cant break away from your shadows.

     
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