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  • All out of coping mechanisms. What's left to live for?

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    Old 12-23-2004, 10:33 PM   #1
    JWilson43
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    Unhappy All out of coping mechanisms. What's left to live for?

    I don't even know where to begin. I just wish that either I was dead or that I'd never been born in the first place. Sometimes I get really angry at my parents for ever having me. Why did'nt they just get an abortion or something rather than forcing me into a wacky world where nothing ever makes sense and where I suffer every day from debilitating anxiety, depression, OCD and a myriad of other disorders. I just can't take it anymore.

    I remember a much happier time when I was younger (I'm in my early 40's now). I took long walks on the beach, ate out a lot, traveled, had a lot of friends and I had a very upbeat and happy-go-lucky disposition. I could make new friends at the drop of a hat. I could also throw back a 6-pack of beer, order a pizza and after dinner, relax with a big cigar and listen to tunes and later have all the sex I wanted and wake up the next morning feeling like a million bucks. Life was great and I was sure that I would live to see my hundredth birthday. Nothing could stop me. I was immortal and savored every day of my life and lived for the next.

    Contrast that with the beast I have become because of depression and other disorders. I hav'nt touched a drop of alcohol in 2 years because I had become an alcoholic and it nearly ruined me as well as the relationship with my family and the few friends I had not to mention the fact that I can't drink anyway because of my high blood pressure. Alcohol was the only REAL release I had from this demon called depression and now I no longer have that "crutch" to fall back on. I hav'nt smoked in years because it was affecting my breathing so scratch that as a means of "coping" as well.

    Then about 4 months ago, I began to develop a disorder known as "scruptulosity" and I felt like God was punishing me for every little thing and that sex was evil so I simply stopped having it so now I'm always horny, grumpy and miserable and feel like my life is over with (or at least I wish it was). Then I developed a sore on the inside of my mouth and thought I had developed oral cancer (I was a snuff user) and after several negative biopsies, I decided not to push my luck anymore and so out the door went another one of my few remaining "vices" (ie; coping mechanisms).

    I had also been taking pseudoephedrine from time to time to pick me up when I was feeling down in the dumps and it worked really great for me. I could be horrible depressed but if I took one of these little pills, I would be happy and motivated all day long. Then, I took it one day and ended up in the ER all wired up and the alarm sounded twice. the first time I stopped breathing and the second time my heart stopped for a few seconds. The doctor said that pseudoephedrine is known to cause heart attacks and that I should refrain from using it again in the future. So BAM! - yet another coping mechanism yanked out from under me. Then I had to stop drinking my beloved coffee because it made my anxiety much worse.

    What the heck is left?. How do I cope?. I take Celexa from time to time and it does help but leaves me impotent. I feel like I'm in a straight jacket...restricted...repressed...like there is NOTHING I can do anymore because it's morally wrong, unethical, illegal, unhealthy, etc, etc, etc. Where did my fun-loving, foot loose and fancy free life of just 10-15 years ago go???.

    Now I just went off on my room mate (and friend of 22 years) for no reason at all. My mind was'nt working, my thoughts were disorganized, I had this weird "vibrating" sensation in my head that was freaking me out, I felt like everything was surreal and like I had ZERO "feel good" chemicals floating around up there (ie; serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, etc). I felt sad, depressed, hopeless, doomed, etc and so he's trying to be friendly and strike up a conversation but everything he said to me, I just came back with some defensive, angry retort and the next thing I know, I'm screaming at him and going hysterical. Then I ran into my room, slammed the door and started screaming "I feel like crap!!!...I can't take this anymore!!!". What the heck is wrong with me???. Why is my mind driving me nuts this way?.

    Then there's the fact that I had severe prostatitis and ended up on the drug Levaquin which is well known for causing serious, long-term side effects and so I've been having these sharp pains all over my body ever since I finished the last of it. I also suffer from Tourette's Syndrome (along with echolalia) so I shout out curse words at the top of my lungs at any given time and I have acid reflux, sores in my mouth, a lipoma in my groin that if removed, may cause the loss of a testicle (a frightening thought if you are a male). I have been sitting at this computer for 10 years now so I'm terribly out of shape and I rarely see my family anymore and have constant fears of friends and family members dying, etc. My OCD is also very bad and I constantly obsess over surgery, sex, death, diseases, etc.

    I am also sick of "living" at the doctor's office. Sure I can sit around all day and pop pills but what kind of a life is that?. Half of the stuff either does'nt work (or marginally works) and the other half is later found to cause fatalities (like Vioxx) or severe side effects. I just can't cope anymore. I need to be sitting on the beach having an orgy with a frosty mug of beer in one hand and a big cigar in the other but I guess those days are long gone.

    Sorry this is so long but this is what my pathetic life has come to.

     
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    Old 12-23-2004, 10:59 PM   #2
    valleygurl
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    Re: All out of coping mechanisms. What's left to live for?

    Hi There, Well guess what? My life is pathetic too!!! So you definately are not alone. So tell me, if you love the beach so much ( as i do also, best place in the world to be ) what is stopping you from going there? Maybe that is exactly what you need. Go there and breath the wonderful sea air, feel the sand squishing between your toes, and just clear your mind? I would give anything to be there right now.

    Your life might seem pathetic and hard to cope with right this minute, but you never know what tomorrow will bring. Keep your chin up, just know that you are not alone. There is so many of us out here that feel as bad as you do right now. ValleyGurl

     
    Old 12-23-2004, 11:25 PM   #3
    Frank186
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    Re: All out of coping mechanisms. What's left to live for?

    You mentioned you take Celexa "from time to time" and that it works but leaves you impotent. Well that is something to go on. That proves meds CAN work for you. Another thing is that antidepressants aren't to be taken from time to time, you should be on them on a consistant basis. If you do, the sexual side effects might taper off. Sexual side effects might be bad but is sex all that important that you NEED to have a sex drive in order to function well in life? Is SEX so important that it's worth giving up a drug that works? Little kids don't have sex but they're the happiest of all. You know that antidepressants can work so why not try out some other ones? I'm sure you'll find one that doesn't have as many sexual side effects as Celexa. Why must you find a "vice" anyway? The coping mechanisms you described, alchohol, drugs, sex, snuff are all negative ways of drowning out your problems. Like the poster said above why not start doing some of the things you used to do like go to the beach? I mean even if you don't feel like it, once you get going on some "healthy" activities you'll start to feel better. Start trying some new antidepressants that you can live with, start doing good things for your body like eatting healthy, excercising, cutting out junk food and start taking in new activities so that you can find new reasons to live, even if you don't feel like it. Once you start on a antidepressant that works for you start changing your lifestyle around, try some new things, things you never thought you wanted to do before, start small and build up, I guarantee that once you do that and start slowly tapering off your meds you'll be much better off. You might feel hopeless now but as long as you don't give up on yourself you'll pull out of this.

    -Frank

    Last edited by Frank186; 12-23-2004 at 11:27 PM.

     
    Old 12-24-2004, 05:14 AM   #4
    trucky
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    Bottoming out? boy can I relate

    In 1983 I hit bottom: years of alcohol abuse and suspended growing up because of the alcohol (drug) haze and unsocial behavior. I went to AA because OTHERS said I had a drinking problem. This was before treatment centers in that region. I blindly followed directions for a year until I got a sponsor (who then told me what to to)--and I went thru 2 more painful years (without the alcohol crutch) resocializing and regaining the years I missed learning how to do even reality, let alone life.
    I came out the other end different. I moved to another region and found that people are not the same everywhere. Conservative, unhelpful. As a result I became very depressed (still sober)--a living hell.
    Just now, 21 years later, I have a therapist who knows what the hell he's doing, helping me to work on PTSD issues underneath the alcoholism. I go to AA and Al-anon--I live in a small town with (thank God) sharp, kind people.

    My deal is this: I cannot do my own thinking--it's too screwed up left to my own devices. I have to follow healthy other people. I have to be part of a group/program/whatever--that is reliable, consistent, and holds me to my choices. I accept this is part of my personality, and I dont try to expect more than I am capable of. I just dont. I still have night terrors, and I am irrational when I panic, but I rely on others to get me back on track.
    This is not easy, but boy is it way less of a struggle than when I thought I had the answers. Wish me luck this weekend when I go out of town to drive 4 hours to visit my best friend and her family. I have not driven out of town since I moved here in August--phobias. Just goes to show, it's baby steps, but at least i'm going. Get back to us, Trucky

     
    Old 12-26-2004, 10:45 AM   #5
    RainSerpent
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    Re: All out of coping mechanisms. What's left to live for?

    I have used alcohol for years in order to self-medicate. There came a point where it stopped working though. I think that you will find that most of the drugs you will try will stop working at some point as well. Coping mechanisms are something that you do on a barely conscious level in order to cope with things that you would not be able to handle in your current psychological state. The more you deal with these disturbing issues the more you will start to feel better. No amount of drug is ever going to be able to erase these issues from your memory.

    I know that it may be kind of hard at first to stay with a certain drug and treatment regimen but I think you will start to feel some long term results as long as you give it as much effort as you can. Hope you feel better soon!
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