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    Old 02-10-2005, 11:41 PM   #1
    Man Apart
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    I'm tired of living

    Sometimes your habits, and your depression, and your fears outgrow your desire to fight anymore. Its doesnt matter if I was a millionaire. Its poverty of the mind. You bankrupt mentally and nothing in the physical realm can ever help you or bring you back....

    Im tired. By the time you find a way out life will be over. Nothing make sense. You know why? Cos life itself is irrational. Ive lost everything. ... I deserve this. I deserve all of it. Dont deserve love, friends, or success. Dont deserve life. Thas funny, I never asked for life.

    Is this it? Is this all that were meant. Is this all life is for me? Life so precious. When I die im going to miss all the suffering, die with years of painful memories. The precious misery.

    I gotta find a way to stop caring. I gotta kill the heart. Thats what gives me pain. I dont want to care anymore. I wish I knew how to be selfish. I wish I knew how to be tough and aggressive. Not nice. Because the world isnt nice. This isnt a place for people like me. I lost my mind awhile ago, I wish my heart would have went with it.

    I'm tired. Just tired. I have nothing left to give.

    What happens when you get to this point. When the war is over. And u waive the white flag. Thats when the sand starts to fall. And you just close your eyes and think of something good. Like your child, or a loved one, or God, or in my case maybe my mother. And you dig deep in you mind and find that one moment in life that you want to take with you. The moment you wish could last forever. That one time there was no pain, sorrow, or misery.

    Im so tired. Theres no reason to have the will, when there is no way. If it ends it ends. I cant control what happens.

    I remember reading in another thread, someone asked "is God important?" I wonder that myself. I wonder why I squeeze the cross I wear around my neck so tight sometimes. Like trying to squeeze out hope and keep my faith. When I still dont know if I even believe in a God or not. Maybe its more just hoping. Hoping he can forgive me for everything.

    You try so hard. So hard. Beyond what you can comprehend. You do everything you can. You fight and fight. And it means nothing. Its like trying to punch your way through a steel door. Skin and bones trying to break through metal.

    I onced looked into the eyes of a hopeless man. It was like looking at the eyes of someone hanging from a cliff, losing their grip. Those last moments of of strength, instinct and desperation seep through the body and mind. Then the transition from hope of living to inevitable death arrive. The person knows, now, it is over, theyre going to run out of every human resource they have inside them mentally and physically to hold on any longer. But theyre still holding from the tip of their fingers to the nails. And they fall. And those eyes. The sadness you see. The horror. The fear. I saw those eyes today when I took a look at myself.

    No more pills. No more treatment. No more psychiastrists. No more. ..Im tired.

    Last edited by Man Apart; 02-12-2005 at 12:41 PM. Reason: ........

     
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    Old 02-11-2005, 01:27 AM   #2
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    You could definately write poems your so vivid with expression. I have been where
    you are and I know how valid feelings these feeling are. Even though I have found
    some natural supplements that are very helpful, I still have times that I would welcome
    my last breath, like this evening. Sounds so peaceful. Then I think I must really be mental to think that way, duh Im. (smile)

    I used to have such a hard time speaking my mind and putting others in their place
    when they deserve it, until I stuffed my feeling once to many times and all hell broke loose. Stuffing our feelings feeds the depression. I also write in a journal. Once again I commend you on your ability to express your feelings so well. Truely I would encourage you to consider writing a book, poems anything. Amazing. Wish I had the talent. I could really put a few people in their place, (really big smile)

    I wish I knew what to say to comfort you, sometimes it seems we just have to go
    thru these periods, it like we're resting our spirit to prepare for another round. I can say for a long time I wondered what the purpose of life was. Now Ive learned we are here to learn lessons of our own choosing that we obviously dont recall. Blah!!!! I had a hard time accepting that for a long time, but after a while it began to make sense expecially when I applied it to traumatic situations I simply couldnt understand why I or my family had to experience. Sometimes they would occur again and again in different ways. My most recent lesson I had to learn and Im still in the process is forgiveness. It was quite an ordeal that split our families on both sides apart without communication for several years. So Ive learned life is a learning process to learn life lessons. Some people may spend their entire life trying to learn one lesson. Maybe this made sense and maybe it didnt, but at least your know even in this low time others still care. I do hope you get feeling better soon or at least find comfort and peace. K

     
    Old 02-11-2005, 01:43 AM   #3
    Msdesertrat58
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    I just read your post, actually I was really absorbed in it, the way you worded it so peacefully. I think just in having said that must seem strange. Hey where all on the same page with you hun. I feel sad that all I am able to do for you is sit here alone and type on this damn computer, my main or only link it seems to the outside world. And your right , it's not a nice place, however there is allot of good. We, I are all fighting the fight, and your right on, I have had the same thought of is this it?. But who really has that answer. I don't believe that this is it. We are all of God's children and our lives , our paths are all different. As different as each fingerprint we put here as if proof that we are what we are. I wish I had the answer, noone does. We are put here to learn and when our time is over god brings us back home to his unconditional love and forgiveness, and then and only then we will know, because only then we will have all knowleage. That's just my take on it, and wish I could offer you more. But I believe is only God can take back our life that he has given us, for it is a gift. I know somehow we got the gag gift and where not laughin. I'm not at that point that you are or seem to be for the moment. I'm not a quitter, but I will tell you there have been too many times to recall of just not wanting to be. Just that. I don't know you or your life and what has exausted all your spirit. But as I sit here I feel such a pull toward you and it's very , well I don't know how to put it. But I've never met you and I CARE and want you to know that. Well, I'm gonna call it a night and you are in my thoughts and prayers and will look for a reply from you when I get on tomarrow.

     
    Old 02-11-2005, 07:10 AM   #4
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Man Apart
    Sometimes your habits, and your depression, and your fears outgrow your desire to fight anymore. Its doesnt matter if I was a millionaire. Its poverty of the mind. You bankrupt mentally and nothing in the physical realm can ever help you or bring you back....

    Im tired. By the time you find a way out life will be over. Nothing make sense. You know why? Cos life itself is irrational. Ive lost everything. ... I deserve this. I deserve all of it. Dont deserve love, friends, or success. Dont deserve life. Thas funny, I never asked for life.

    Is this it? Is this all that were meant. Is this all life is for me? Life so precious. When I die im going to miss all the suffering, die with years of painful memories. The precious misery.

    I gotta find a way to stop caring. I gotta kill the heart. Thats what gives me pain. I dont want to care anymore. I wish I knew how to be selfish. I wish I knew how to be tough and aggressive. Not nice. Because the world isnt nice. This isnt a place for people like me. I lost my mind awhile ago, I wish my heart would have went with it.

    I'm tired. Just tired. I have nothing left to give.

    What happens when you get to this point. When the war is over. And u waive the white flag. Thats when the sand starts to fall. And you just close your eyes and think of something good. Like your child, or a loved one, or God, or in my case maybe my mother. And you dig deep in you mind and find that one moment in life that you want to take with you. The moment you wish could last forever. That one time there was no pain, sorrow, or misery.

    Im so tired. Theres no reason to have the will, when there is no way. If it ends it ends. I cant control what happens.

    I remember reading in another thread, someone asked "is God important?" I wonder that myself. I wonder why I squeeze the cross I wear around my neck so tight sometimes. Like trying to squeeze out hope and keep my faith. When I still dont know if I even believe in a God or not. Maybe its more just hoping. Hoping he can forgive me for everything.

    You try so hard. So hard. Beyond what you can comprehend. You do everything you can. You fight and fight. And it means nothing. Its like trying to punch your way through a steel door. Skin and bones trying to break through metal.

    I onced looked into the eyes of a hopeless man. It was like looking at the eyes of someone hanging from a cliff, losing their grip. Those last moments of of strength, instinct and desperation seep through the body and mind. Then the transition from hope of living to inevitable death arrive. The person knows, now, it is over, theyre going to run out of every human resource they have inside them mentally and physically to hold on any longer. But theyre still holding from the tip of their fingers to the nails. And they fall. And those eyes. The sadness you see. The horror. The fear. I saw those eyes today when I took a look at myself.

    No more pills. No more treatment. No more psychiastrists. No more. ..Im tired. I quit.
    The sad part is I feel exactly like you and I am holding on by a thread - I woke up this morning with fear - fearfully of trying to make it through another day. And exhausted - exhausted from having to work so hard to just try and exist. I too want to give up - quit - and I am afraid that will happen very soon. Sorry you are feeling like this also - NO ONE should have to go through what all of us go through with this HORRIBLE, UNFORGIVING disease of depression.

    Trying to make it through today,
    CoachDC45

     
    Old 02-11-2005, 08:57 AM   #5
    Lloyd
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    You are still alive and NEED to change things. Move out,M_A. cause you are in a highly toxic situation. SAVE YOURSELF and maybe then you can help your mother.
    You WON'T FEEL SO HELPLESS AND HOPELESS if you will DO something. This is the voice of experience talking to you like a friend.

     
    Old 02-11-2005, 09:13 AM   #6
    SandybytheSea
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    Man Apart, your words were so beautiful and sad and they express depression perfectly. I am new here so I do not know your story but I can understand your feelings. I wish there was something I could say to you to make it better... the only thing I can think of is; Thank you for putting to words how I feel and I am going to print out your post and give it thought and consideration. Somehow knowing that is the way depression is and it is not me was a real comfort.

    "No more pills. No more treatment. No more psychiatrists. No more. ..Im tired. I quit."

    I also feel like what use are the pills and doctors but am also afraid to not take medication. If you don't mind me asking what meds are/were you on Man Apart?

    Anyway, big hugs to you from someone who appreciates your gift of expression and understands how you feel.

     
    Old 02-11-2005, 04:11 PM   #7
    Blue102
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    Have you thought about writing a book?

     
    Old 02-11-2005, 10:31 PM   #8
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    I feel the same way you do. I'm just tired of fighting everyday. I'm mentally and physically wore out. The last time I got this way I was suicidal. Not sure if it's going to get to that point or not. But I'm tired too.

     
    Old 02-12-2005, 12:40 PM   #9
    Man Apart
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    I'm not a poet. Nor a writer. Not good a either. Just a sufferer. You know sitting in a room all day like im in prison, not really having that much contact with my family, and having absolutely no contact with the outside world, I have so much inside me, I don't know where else to place it. I always come here cos I hate my handwriting. And every once and awhile someone will say something or write something that will touch me and extend my candlelight. Sometimes that happens, someone will come along and turn the hourglass upside down again and here you are with a fresh batch of sand falling. But thats kind of the sad thing, the sand never stops falling. I just feel like reguardless, I'm prolonging the inevitable.

    Man last year I had some sand. I could have made a beach resort out of what I had. I had this whole new life planned for myself. It never fails to wake me in the middle of the night, the thoughts, the nightmares, the painful memories of the moment it all fell apart, all in one moment. I just feel this great swell of pity for myself. I dreamed a dream. Now that dream has been taken from me. I dont really think you have to be asleep to be in a nightmare.

    Depression isnt a talent. Its a illness. It brings you to this point, where all you can do is write about its greatness. Its complete and utter perfection. You almost have to marvel in its design to completely and thoroughly destroy peoples lives. Its the undetectable disease you can't find on a x-ray or blood test. The one illness that is universally misunderstood. You cant see it, cant remove it. Yeah your right Kiehn. You can't stuff. Cant keep it stuffed. Or the explosion inside you will become nuclear, and all thats left is a mushroom cloud in your head and a trip to the ER.

    Oh don't be sad for me. Please. lol. Now those people over in southeast asia that were hit by the tsunami. Now thats sadness. I donated 50 dollars to a local tsunami relief drive here in my city. I have no Idea what 50 dollars would go and do for anyone over there. Its like giving a penny for your pain. Yeah we all have our own degrees of tolerance. To some people suffering is 2nd nature. But those are some of the strongest people in the world. It puts me to shame. But Ive said this before. And I can say it with the utmost honesty. Id rather live in enviormental poverty, than mental poverty. If God came to me and said, here, Ill take away your depression, Ill piece together your broken mind, and Ill give you control over you thoughts, emotions, and feelings, but you have to give up everything you are accustomed to and live in poverty. Id say, sure, where do I sign up on that? Cos at least with a strong mind I can take myself out of physical poverty. But physical elements, no matter how great and how comforting can never take you out of poverty of the mind. I would know, cos Ive tried.

    I don't think life is a gift Msd. More like a lesson. A long, hard, lesson.

    Coach i regret using the harshest of words in saying "I quit." I should have left it at Im tired. I dont want to give you any reason to quit in your own situation whatever that may be. I don't know what is going to happen to me. I just dont have any answers anymore. I dont have anymore moves to make on the chess board. I feel stuck. Ive exhausted every single option in my life. Although what Lloyd mentioned is something Im in the process of doing. Im taking myself out of a toxic situation, to see if It can cleanse me a bit and uncloud my situation just a little. Its worth a try but, it can equally complicate things even more.

    Sandy by the Sea- "Somehow knowing that is the way depression is and it is not me is a real comfort."

    Um...... I'm glad you knowing that is a comfort to you. Im taking prozac 20mg twice a day and clonazepam 0.5 twice a day.

    I edited out "I quit" in my original post. Im sorry for cutting myself and bleeding all over the board. Thanks for listening though. Hey were strong too I think. The strongest people in the world dont lift 350lbs in the air. They carry tons of inexplicable pain, tragic memories, constant suffering, and at the same time balancing it with just trying to survive as a human being, day by day.

    Last edited by Man Apart; 02-12-2005 at 12:48 PM. Reason: ..........

     
    Old 02-12-2005, 01:12 PM   #10
    Blue102
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    Man Apart, I know that depression isn't a talent, but sometimes you can use bad circumstances in your life and turn them into something good. "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade," as they say. I'm sorry that you are suffering, and I hope you don't think I'm not empathetic to that. But I disagree with you when you say you aren't talented, because it's obvious that you are. You do write beautifully. And you do have insight that other people may not have. I beg you to consider writing!

     
    Old 02-12-2005, 01:37 PM   #11
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    Man Apart I've read your posts before and despite what you say I think like others that you could have a talent for writing- I can never even begin to write what I feel and usually just delete my posts. I have no idea what you're going through so forgive me if I sound trite...of course you'd rather not suffer at all than be told you're good at writing about suffering, right? I don't know about you or your life but you seem a kind and sensitive person, perhaps you see that as your downfall? There are people out there who appreciate that. Anyhow, sorry if I'm talking rubbish but like others here your words must have something to make us write to you. Teresa.

     
    Old 02-12-2005, 03:20 PM   #12
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    I am tired too. I am tired of trying to make sense of what it is that I need to do. I don't have the energy, inititive or sheer determination to go on.

    Why am I fighting? What is there to look forward to anymore? More pain..more sadness. I have had more than my share of pain and suffering. Not that I have cornered the market on that department but it sure feels like it.

    The harder I try; something or someone comes along and takes that sliver of hope and shatters it. I have had dreams and some have come true only to get destroyed by someone. It seems like the mean and uncaring people get ahead in this world. They sure do seem to be doing a whole lot better than I am.

    I am not glad that you are suffering. I don't want anyone to suffer as I have and as I do. I wish I had some answers for you....and for me but, I don't. The sad thing is when I wake up in the morning I am disappointed....disappointed that I even woke up. Because the pain is so incredibly bad that if I didn't exist then the pain wouldn't exist.

    I have often wondered why I feel compassion for other people. Why I can't be like the people that have caused me to have such pain in my life..not caring for anyone but themselves.

    I look at the users, the manipulators, the self centered, the violent people in this world whether it be in the workplace or just in my own private life. They have what they want; they tricked, lied and manipulated their way through and succeded. Do you think they suffer? I havn't seen them suffer. If I were more like them I would have a good paying job, a house of my own, and a good standing in the community. But the way I am....I couln't feel good about having those material possions. I couldn't face myself in the mirror. Is that my weakness? Is that why I have to suffer because I don't have the guts to run over the weaker more vulnerable people?

    I am sorry for your pain....no one can ever understand the pain that we go through until they have experienced it. It can't be taught or learned from a textbook. It has to be experienced.

    My hope for you and for me is to somehow....someway to find the peace that we long for. Good luck.

    Sam

     
    Old 02-12-2005, 10:20 PM   #13
    Man Apart
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    Ahhh Sam, I couldn't have said it better myself. Im deeply sorry for what your going through. But you really kind of summarized the same way I feel. I do wonder what those type of people see when they look in the mirror. Their reflection. The liars, manipulators, cheaters, and shallow individuals that get ahead in life. Its amazing what great things you can acheive in life when you let go of your morals. Cos the sky truly is the limit and you can do anything it takes to succeed. But if you have one little ounce of care in your heart, like me, and a conscious so bad, then its harder. Cos yeah I am sensitive. I dont know why I care, but I do. I honestly dont want to but its not like i can take out my heart and paint it black. I am who I am. I once walked out of a Exxon one night and told a homeless person I dont have any money for you. I went, filled my car, got in, and boom, my conscious arrives. And I look at the guy in my rear view mirror and realize saying to myself, he probably only wants to buy another beer, but if that beer is going to give him 5 minutes of relief from the hell he is living, its the least I can do. So I get out and give the guy 5 dollars. Then I drive away and something strange happens. I get angry and upset. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. Yeah I know I have issues. Im upset cos I couldnt just drive off and keep my money and not care. But I do. But why should I? What if it was me, would he stop and help me? Seeing he was white and im black, probably not.

    Your right. Why dream? Why fight? Why Pray? Why hope? If I just stop dreaming I wont get hurt when it turns into a nightmare. If I stop fighting I wont get hit. If I stop hoping Ill suffer less. And stop praying. Miracles dont happen.

    I appreciate everyone's opinions. I know much of what I write is just vague and baseless writing. Going into details wouldnt really help much, I just vent. This is how I vent I guess.

    I have new goals: Dont dream. Dont hope. Dont look in the mirror. Theres nothing to see there. Just like a vampire. I have no reflection. Just shadows.

     
    Old 02-13-2005, 01:04 AM   #14
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    Exclamation Re: I'm tired of living

    Quote:
    Your right. Why dream? Why fight? Why Pray? Why hope? If I just stop dreaming I wont get hurt when it turns into a nightmare. If I stop fighting I wont get hit. If I stop hoping Ill suffer less. And stop praying. Miracles dont happen.

    I have new goals: Dont dream. Dont hope. Dont look in the mirror. Theres nothing to see there. Just like a vampire. I have no reflection. Just shadows.
    OF COURSE YOU'RE WRONG ! DO DREAM. DO HOPE. DO WORK EVERYDAY TOWARDS THE REALIZATION OF YOUR DREAMS. DO CREATE HAPPINESS IN THIS WORLD !

     
    Old 02-13-2005, 04:08 AM   #15
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    Re: I'm tired of living

    Ive been were many of you are, I dispise evil and how it feeds upon the weak, how it always seems to win. It infuriates me to see people with good hearts, good intentions
    suffer while evil hearted peple prosper.

    I myself was physcially emotionally, sexually abused and raped as a child, I watched my mother beaten, verbally abused and she in turned did those things to me. Then my own daughter I thought I had protected with my life was sexually mollested by familly members I thought I trusted. To protect themselves those family member implicated my husband and I for their sexual abuse and although the charges were unfounded they will stay on ou record for 7 years. Justice HA, the state is corupt!!!
    I've had a nervous breakdown and Im Bipolar w/pychosis sure I could go on just as many of you have had your trauma in life, the point is are you going to let these creeps continue to walk on you, your family, your friends. Let life kick up down!!!
    WAKE UP. IF YOU DO you lose, it's killing you and you're letting it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Everytime I turn around something or someone is stealing my hope, stealing my happiness. At times I hold my breath when I find a little JOY, I want to hide it so nothing can steal it away from me. BULL, if I hide it, then it's not JOY, even if I enjoyed it and share it for a few seconds, it was worth it, because it's a memory I
    can pull on when Im sad to give me the strengh to fight.

    Isnt it obvous if evil can destroy our hearts, discourage those of us that despise it, IT WINS!!!! DAMI IT, I WIL FIGHT TO MY DEATH if it means Protecting an innocent child, innocent bystander from evils hand. Somehow it makes up for all the hurt I suffered when no one was there for me. Self healing, Somehow it makes up for all the pain my daughter suffered. Some how little by little it makes up for the pain all of us suffer.

    Im not religous, that I lost when I opened my eyes to the real world. I may be beat but I will not be beaten, I may lose hope but I will not be hopeless, I may dispise evil but I will not let it consume me. Some of you say WHY TRY! I tell you why because YOU CAN!!! Open you mouth when you see wrong, take a stand against evil, it feels good to fight for justice. Dont bottle it up so it eats away at you like a cancer. Dont let wrong doers win! Dont let another child suffer!

    Im a survivor, to me that means I didnt just survive many trauma's in my life, I survived with my heart still in tact, with morals in my heart, these are not things to wish away they are things to treasure for some people have lost theirs or they are buried so deep they can see them anymore. They feel nothing, emptiness, maybe they just gave up and stopped fighting for what's right, FIGHT!!!!! Dont let you this world steal your heart!!!!!

    Last edited by kiehn; 02-13-2005 at 11:05 AM.

     
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