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I'm lost. I want to be free

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Old 04-12-2005, 05:04 PM   #16
Man Apart
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 447
Man Apart HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Macsjuls, say that 3 times fast. I think I read too much into people's names sometimes. Cos of my condition I guess. I see MacsJuls and it makes me think theres a lucky guy there name Mac with a girl name Julie. Onething I like about the boards is, everyone is judged by the content of their character, and their words. We paint ourselves on a canvas, and find beauty in it somehow. I always said, I'd have tons of friends, if noone ever had to see me. I'm very sorry if I painted something you didn't want to see or read. Your right, I don;t know you but I'm deeply sorry for whatever has plagued you in your life, whatever questions you have unanswered, and for wherever place you shouldn't be. Your right, everyone has a purpose. Not everyone's purpose is to be happy, successful, rich, smart, healthy, beautiful, and strong. Theres two sides to every coin. Some of us has to be heads, some of us has to be tails. I don't know what my purpose is, maybe it is to suffer, and be lonely, I dunno, but I know what it isn't. None of the above. I have to suffer, so the world can determine what is happiness. I have to be ugly, so the world can determine what is beautiful. Someone has to be the butt of every joke. Someone has to be the helpless little kid in the back of the classroom. I'm here to help people feel better about themselves. To appreciate what the are and what they have and what they look like, and to thank God theyre not me. What was the purpose of my ancestors back in the old days. Whats the purpose of a sheep trapped in the glare of a blod thirsty wolf. Whats the purpose of anything, it all ends the same.

Star, be patient with your husband. There is nothing more difficult than telling someone very close to you, the raw, honest, candid truth about how we feel. You think for one second I'd let my mother read any of this? lol. You just can't sometimes. Can't give it away. Especially not to someone you love and who cares for you. Don't want to be a burden. I suffer alone. It got me. But I'm not going to let it get to my family. Hardest thing I ever went through in my life was listening to my mother crying next to my hospital bed, asking me why I ingested a bottle of pills. I felt so much guilt laying there, my family all around me. Not because I took the pills. But because I didn't die. A bottle of trazadone didn't do much except give me the worst stomach ache in my life and made me so drowsy I could barely open my eyes to blink.

Rfus, seeing as Im not the brightest person in the world, you'll have to explain to me what young John keats meant. He died very young. I ******d his name last night and just read alot of his writings. He was a very interesting person. So far as loving myself? I dunno. Theres nothing to love. Otherwise, someone would. I wouldn't hate myself so much if the world didn't give me every reason to.

I think ive spewed enough venom for today. But, I can't express my gratitude for the encouraging words and for taking the time. Thank you for letting me empty some of this overflowing sack of potatoes.

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Old 04-12-2005, 08:45 PM   #17
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Rayne2005 HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Originally Posted by ManApart
So far as loving myself? I dunno. Theres nothing to love. Otherwise, someone would. I wouldn't hate myself so much if the world didn't give me every reason to.
Dont know much about quotes except that a friend told me to F the world. I was bullied a bit, Beat up and got a scare down my left arm to prove it. The world is sad superfical place, something we cant change. But we can change how we feel about ourseleves, though it isnt easy in anyway. There is plenty to love in everyone, except Satan if u believe in him. And people dont give some the chance to show that.
I bet that you would have tons of friends, were the world not so stuck up and vain. But like Rfus, i bet i would be your friend, like many people here, no matter what u look like. Not everyone is focused on appearance, just to many people who make the world seem that way.

Geez im late for bed Gotta go


Old 04-13-2005, 12:40 AM   #18
Join Date: Mar 2005
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rfus HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Man, Think about it a little and see if you can tell me what it means to you. It is a very powerful and famous quote.

Have you ever seen the movie Mask with Cher. Its worth a watch If you haven't. On the less serious side the movie Shallow Hal speaks of inner beauty.

And when you go to rent one of these or some other movie, buy a big silly hat that you would never see yourself wear and some oversized sunglasses. Walk down the street with your shoulders back and chin high, taking big strides. Think of how silly you look, and then think about how great it is that you don't care what the vain people think. I would put on a silly hat and glasses too, and walk alongside you (if I could walk right now). We would be cool.

I really think you need to give up on the questions that don't have answers. They killed me. Asking my ceiling why or what if everynight was no help. Negativity is like cancer. Once it starts it feeds itself and kills everything else. Think about how easy it is for you to be negative, and how hard it is to be positive. Its like those aholes who were always mean. It was so easy for them to be mean, and so hard for them to be nice. They are the cancer. If you let them in then

Think about the no mind thinking no thoughts about no things. This peace you hope to obtain is obtainable in many ways.

Old 04-13-2005, 04:09 AM   #19
Join Date: Dec 2004
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te34resa HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Hi there- I've been walking around thinking about your posts for a few days(see what effect we have on each other?!) and I'm curious to know if there's one main thing in your life that is at the root of your troubles- is your ugliness? (your words) Is there anything in life that could be fixed that would make you say"now I can cope"? I ask because in my life it's my physical health- everything comes down to "if only I was well I could cope with this" I sympathise with your feelings of ugliness which seperates you from the world. I grew up feeling this way and when I look back I see images of myself with bad hair, bad clothes, a submissive attitude etc all because I cut myself off from fashions and normal things of the day as I felt they didn't include me- I was in a club of one. I also look back and think"how could I have let whoever treat me like that/be talked into doing that...well, it was because I felt grateful if anyone even spoke to me so felt I had to be "nice" all the time. Can't be ugly and a b**ch, hey?! I never left the house with my head up and spent all my time outdoors scanning the streets for my next assailant. Quentin Crisp also lived like that if you've ever read The Naked Civil Servant. Life has improved now and I "just" have my health screwing me up. The Phantom of the Opera also felt "without the pale of humanity" due to his ugliness. (not that I'm assuming you look like him!) Take care Rod. Teresa.

Old 04-13-2005, 06:19 AM   #20
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macsjuls HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Originally Posted by Man Apart
Macsjuls, say that 3 times fast. I think I read too much into people's names sometimes. Cos of my condition I guess. I see MacsJuls and it makes me think theres a lucky guy there name Mac with a girl name Julie...........I always said, I'd have tons of friends, if noone ever had to see me. I'm very sorry if I painted something you didn't want to see or read. Your right, I don;t know you but I'm deeply sorry for whatever has plagued you in your life, whatever questions you have unanswered, and for wherever place you shouldn't be. Your right, everyone has a purpose........ Whats the purpose of anything, it all ends the same.
Man Apart,

I had to chuckle.....again without really knowing come up with a close analization of my name. In should "read" that way. In signifies who I've become.....who I feel that I've become. You've talked before of "slavery".....this is mine. It is not pretty....not what I envisioned life with a man to be anyways.....but it has become my life in spite of my pain.

I too, sometimes, believe my purpose in this life is to suffer. I've gotten pretty darn good at it over the years, as a matter of fact. It has become to easy to just lay down and let what feels like a slow death take over. How sad. But if I was to be real honest with myself, I would have to admit that some/alot of this "darkness" is of my own hand. I also know, that if I could summon up some of the "spunk and guts" I used to possess so many years ago, I could probably change things. This is not how I really want to spend the rest of my life.

I do, however, possess some sort of belief that things will/may get better. And I also know that there really is more to my life than just the "hole" I spend the majority of my time in. I believe that we are in control of our own destiny. It is up to us to shape it....mold it.....set it up.....and fulfill it.....THIS (I believe) is our purpose. And in all don't have to be beautiful, rich, popular, or well-educated to do it. You just have to be strong. It's too easy to succumb to self-pity, to just throw you're hands up in the air and surrender to the slights of this world. But how long can one really function in "this place"? If you think about it....we are not weak. We've chosen to see ourselves that way.....but we are fighters.....we are strong. This "hell" isn't for sissy's. If it and I would no longer be here.

As for you and your words.....yes, you have touched on my pain....written of it in ways I never could. No need to appologize, for you have also opened my eyes to it. Sparked in me something that has not been there for a while. Not quite sure what.....a desire maybe......a flicker of determination to keep up the fight for myself? Could this be your purpose? To be the "eyes and voice" of/for others? A powerful purpose if it is..........


Old 04-13-2005, 10:04 PM   #21
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Havaheart HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I have to agree with other posters who were awe'd by your post. One word "AWESOME". I wish there was a quick fix or word I could say that would make everything better for you but there is not. But the one thing I can do is pray for you and I'm going to do that.
From your post, I feel that your a very beautiful and deep person. And yes it's true that there are people who may be more attractive to the human eye but to scratch beneath the surface you find that many attractive people are ugly inside. Have you ever watched the movie Shallow Hal?
I would much rather be beautiful inside than outside.
Well I wanted to let you know I will be praying for you.
Take care and Hang in there ok

Old 04-14-2005, 11:11 PM   #22
Man Apart
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Man Apart HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

rfus, I'm not particularly good with quotes myself. Especially if theyre from 18th century poets. But Ill take a feeble stab at what young Mr. Keats meant which will clarify how dull I am.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,"--that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.

Well, ummm. Theres beauty in truth. The truth within everyone. To Mr. Keats I think he felt that if something is beatiful then it must be the truth. That beauty naturally becomes truth within. If thats what he meant, and Im sure im wrong, then Im sorry to disagree with Young Keats. Beauty is not truth, and thats become more evident in modern society. Beauty doesn't really dwell in the eyes of truth. Beauty doesn't need truth. Despite in these days when looks are more and more deceiving, people generally and often don't care about the truth, as long as the lie is extremely attractive in their eyes. Dont judge a book by its cover they say? Today its more like don't judge the cover by its book. Doesn't matter anymore in human nature today. Im not sure it ever did. Doesn't matter if someone have real breasts or fake ones, or a real face or plastic surgery, cause today it seems like the deepest purpose and meaning in life to people is the apprehension of material beauty, by any means necessary. Whether that means getting the best looking house, car, clothes, slim body, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife. Have you ever seen the movie The Talented Mr. Ripley. He said it best. "Id rather be a fake somebody than a real nobody."

Rayne, my entire body is a scar. lol. I look in the mirror everyday and all I see is the wear and tear of my past. Death to my once handsome stature and skin. Death to my smile. Death to my health. Yes we can change how we feel about ourselves, because noone, and I mean NOONE's opinion of you should ever become your reality. For me there were too many opinions. It gets really hard to love yourself when your own mother calls you ugly and tells you "I wish I never had you, your a mistake." Combined with every girl that laughs at me or ignores me just for asking her name. Unfortunately other peoples opinion of you is somewhat essentially to your own self esteem. Its just human nature. If your in demand people let you know it. I can wake up everyday and look in the mirror and say, Rod your a handsome guy. But how does that really help when the world heavily disagrees. And you have this stigma and sterotype attached to your skin. Ive been called n*gger more times than I would prefer. Oneday I stood in line at a grocery store, I looked down at this cute little girl and smiled as she looked up at me. She tugged at her mothers pants leg, pointed at me and said "momma he a ugly." Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Nothing can be more truthful when it comes from a child.

I saw Shallow Hal. Gwenyth Paltrow in a fat suit and make-up. When your fat or ugly its like having a disease, people tend not to want to be around you. I have to be honest. That movie couldn't be any further from reality. lol. Inner beauty doesn't prosper as much as outer beauty in this world. Thats just a stone cold fact. I heard the darnest thing on the radio the other day. "Recent study that Tall and attractive people are more successful in the workforce." No??? Really??? SHocking!

Looking silly is onething, it can be cute, being ugly is another, its never cute. You want to know why I care? One big reason. Noone will ever know anything about me past what they can see with their own two eyes.

Ive already given up on questions that don't have answers. Except one. Is there a God and do I believe in him? Because from now until about 10-15 years I have left to live, dying from heart or liver disease or kidney failure, cos im already diabetic and I have absolutely no plans to go on insulin. Barring any accident I really gotta figure out that toughie.

Ive already given up, sometimes your habits, your shadows, your wounds, and your past all outgrow your desire to live. You can no longer cope, and youve used every resource of your strength. I fought hard, and searched deep. Ponce de Leon once searched for the fountain of youth. He believed in it, he travelled far, he was determined. He never found it. Ill never find whatever I was looking for in myself. My self esteem. My courage. My happinees. My passion for life. My charisma and intelligence. That Im lovable. I believed in it, I was determined to find it, I searched for years. But just like the fountain of youth, it was only a myth. I found fear, depression, and anxiety instead. My precious treasure. My great discovery.

Teresa, there is something in my life that could fix it. Absolutely. I actually found it. On top of Mt. Everest. The biggest thing Im struggling with right now as I trying to climb this mountain is everytime I look up, its like a mirage. I see something different each time. So I pause and wonder whether this last journey is even worth the trip. Lately I feel like Im climbing for fools gold. But I blame myself for it. Every bit of it. Cos its my fault what Im looking at and looking for. I know part of it is my condition. I want to keep going, Im just running out of time. And whenever you go into something half hearted, its very hard to achieve. I just wish I can see clearly. But I have to be honest in saying that if what I see now is real and I stop climbing. I will hate and punish myself forever. Because I became the very thing I hate the most. A hypocrite. And everything Ive ever said about wanting to feel normal and equal and accepted and for somene to love me for me and etc, makes me the biggest hypocrite in the world.

MacsJuls, noone owns you. I hope you can realize that you can be free. You shouldn't prolonge your dispair living with someone who's causing it. Although Im not one to lecture cos I still live with a highly disfunctional family. Im afraid to walk out of my room in fear of seeing or hearing my father and sister having sex or scramble around before I can walk into the area theyre in, pretending to clean and adjust the books on the shelf. How many times do you need to adjust the same books on the same shelf? lol. Fear within, thats about as tragic as it gets. Cos once it spreads in your mind like cancer, its hard to overcome. Fear of a person, is different. You can simply leave... sometimes.

There is one thing about human nature that I do admire. God knows theres so much I hate. But onething I admire is the insidious and unrelenting belief in hope deep inside the human spirit no matter how small even I have it inside me and Im the most pessimistic and hopeless soul in the world. The world is too toxic for me. Too much pollution filling my lungs. Too much hate, crimes, suffering, poverty, racism, vanity, and death. Not enough good. Cant find clean air to breathe. Sometimes you just have to ask yourself, why do I have to fight and dream of things that many people do and have regularly. I dream about holding someones hand at a movie. I dream about sitting in a classroom with my hand raised. I dream about being at work helping others. What does a kiss feel like with someone you love? What does it feel like to dance with friends in a club. What does it feel like to have a social life. Will I ever get to make love to someone special. Will I ever get to hold my child in my arms or chase after him or her in the backyard. Will I ever be able to not be afraid. Can I ever forgive myself. Can I ever love myself. Will life ever begin for me.

Old 04-15-2005, 01:49 PM   #23
Man Apart
Join Date: Mar 2004
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Man Apart HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

And thanks for the prayers. Theyre all very much need. I will do the same, although my faith these days is about the size of a grain of salt, at least I have that and Ill never let it go. Depression just seems like a prison. I wish we could all just break out and run as fast as we can. Everyone won't make it, but I sure do like thinking about the ones that did. Gives me hope as I sit in my Alcatraz.

Old 04-15-2005, 02:33 PM   #24
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seekingnormal05 HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Originally Posted by Man Apart
I wish I just looked normal.

First, my heart goes out to you. Your pain is made very real through your writing.

I don't have any answers. When I was at the worst of my depression (which was mild by your level of pain) that was the thing I came to truly grasp. There is no pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. At least not much.

The reason I quoted this? It's the one thought I've had over and over in my life. I've never wanted to be exceptional. I've never wanted Olympic Gold. I'd just love to be normal. To have had a normal dating/love life. To have had someone fall for me and want to spend his life with me. Not Brad Pitt. Just a normal guy. To have not been 100 pounds overweight. To have not had a high IQ (not the blessing people may think). Just normal.

Other people spit on normal. It's all I wanted. And, for the life of me, I'll never understand why that was too much to ask for.

Good luck to you. I don't have any answers. But I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Old 04-15-2005, 06:17 PM   #25
Join Date: Apr 2005
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jayjay200404 HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Wow... beaing a not very emotional guy,, im suprised how much what you just wrote touched me. infact, i got a lump in my throught whilst reading that.

i cant say much different than everybody else has, as in you DO have a talent with words and the words you speak are very touching..

i know you feel you dont have a purpose in life, and its SO SO SO importiant that you FIND one! and dont say you cant find one because you can! you just need to find a spark that will give you the courage to go looking for one! as you said yourself, deaths a long way away. so you need to find something.. ANYTHING.. to fill a gap while you wait. just find any little thing that you can wake up to and know you have, instead of this emptyness..

perhaps you need to find a close friend. so you dont have to walk your pointless road alone. so you can have somebody to care about, and be cared for.

i dont know how you will find this friend, but you need to get that spark of willpower to go and find him/her or maybe your friend dont need to be human at all!

if you want a goal, make that goal to find a reason to wake up in the morning!

sorry if none of this made sence to you,, im not very good at explaining things lol

Old 04-15-2005, 10:55 PM   #26
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MermaidMer HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

hey manny,
just checking up on you to see how you're doing. i've been going through a stressful week, so sorry i haven't posted more in this thread. i've been having some trouble with classes; the stress and anxiety of graduation has caught up with me, and has made my depression relapse full force. in turn, i'm in danger of failing two classes, which would prevent me from graduating, which would cause me to be even more depressed. it doesn't help that both my mom and dad call me several times a day to check up on me, and add pressure on me to succeed and do well. my mom told me (and i quote) that "if i don't graduate i am dead, i am not welcome back in her house." how is that supposed to help or be supportive in any way? i told my mom that obviously she has never experienced depression before, because you don't say something like that to a depressive. you also don't tell someone to just "snap out of it."
anyway, i'm too tired to be getting myself worked up about this again, i've already cried my eyes out too many times this week, my eyes are permanently red and puffy. i think it's a new look for me, it's in fashion and will probably be all the rage, lol. ok, bedtime for me, hope to hear from you soon.
all my best,

Old 04-17-2005, 12:06 AM   #27
Man Apart
Join Date: Mar 2004
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Man Apart HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Oh Mermaid, seems like you put so much pressure on yourself, and how your parents are treating you is ridiculous. Theyve started resorting to threats now huh? Thats family support for ya.

I remember my mom pulled that crap on me a bunch of times and I told her once, I wish you had just a touch of what I have to suffer from so I can stand and yell at you and tell you to will yourself out of it, dont be so pathetic, come on dont do this to yourself, get up and tighten your belt, just snap out of it you can heal yourself, theres nothing wrong with you. God can heal you, you need to get saved. I guess your not saved mom! I could do without her asking me to get saved every sunday. I seriously doubt dunking my head in bless oil will cure my depression. I never asked God, not once to cure me. I only ask him to help me understand it, cope, function, and survive. Especially the fear and anxiety, cos thats just another monster in itself that has been the immovable object. I dont fear death. I dont fear any man. Ive been beaten, raped by a homesexual when I was 11, mugged, attacked by a neighbors dog, even spent 4 hours in a juvenille prison for truancy(aka skipping school) at 17 next to some hannabal lector-looking juvenilles. But there is nothing in this world I fear more than the violent storm of a panic attack. Its like a perfect, precise assault to your mind, pressing the fear and anxiety buttons simultaneously til theyre jammed. Thats why Im in this room almost 24/7 with my door locked and work alone, graveyard shift detailing cars. Cos Im hiding from it every single day.

My family is a little more understanding now after the lecture they received from the doctors after my 4th suicide attempt. I gotta tell ya, its hard to die. lol. I find it extremely difficult to find a peaceful, painless, non-messy way to die. Im kinda past that point of my life. I still would rather not be breathing but Im not going to hurt myself anymore, just let nature take its course, even if I have to die in a violent grip of pain.

Mermaid, there are bigger things you need to graduate from than just college. College will always be there and available to you, but what use is a degree when your so broken mentally and emotionally. I mean how will you be when you finally get that job you want, but still affected mentally cos you havent found a way to cope. These grades are not a reflection of your true potential. Theyre altered by the simple fact that your suffering from a disease. It happened to me. Your trying to push the rock and the hard place.

Goodness, tell your parents to pick up a book and read about depression. Theyre doing the exact opposite of what they should and only making you worse. When my parents started supporting me more, it help tremendously cos all I ever wanted was their understanding.

Mermaid, someone so beautiful like you shouldn't be so sad. If only I could see a glimpse of you breaching the blue ocean just so I could say I saw a Mermaid. lol. Sorry if I sound corny, just trying to make you laugh. I thought your depression was solely situational, cos of the lost boyfriend. I thought once you got over that loser you'd feel better about yourself and know that he lost out on something, he should be depressed. Ive known you for what, 2 years now? I always told Geena, I worry about Mermaid but I have no doubt she will overcome because you have strength young woman. Look at me, I cant even walk through the doors of a college campus. Tune out your parents. Its not that theyre missing the point, theyre dodging it. Mine still are as well. I dont think as parents they can ever really be capable of fully accepting it. They just dont understand or they choose to be stubborn and not understand. All I can ask is pass or fail do your best Meredith. I had the red eye thing too, never puffy though. All I did was just wear shades. Depressed, sad, but looking darn cool. Send me your homework Ill do it for you. lol. Just take it easy ok. Ill be wishing you well. Also if you could, talk to your teacher about what your going through, show him or her those red puffy eyes like I did when I was in school, it may give you a extra credit point or two of sympathy.

I know I failed that final trigonometry exam by a mile, but I graduated high school..... I never got to say this but, Thank you Mr. Spears.

Take care Mermaid.

Old 04-17-2005, 06:56 AM   #28
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Madam Captain HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I thought I was a bit depressed and then I read some of the posts in this thread. This week has been a complete disaster for me. Things have changed at work over the last few weeks. I work at a childcare centre and I was working in the 0-2 year room. I really loved working with that age group and I got along with the two assistants (I was in charge of the room). I get along really well with one assistant in particular and we worked very well together aswell. We made a good team but then the boss decided to put me in the 2-3 years room. I have been in that room for 2 weeks now and I'm not happy. I get along with the assistants in the room but I've had some trouble with the mother of one of the children. For some reason she has it in for me, she hates me because I looked after her son in the 0-2 year room and he was a bit of a handful. I often had to tell her that her son had been rough or bitten another child or both. Now her son is in the 2-3 year room and she HATES the idea of me being in there too. She thinks Im holding a grudge against her son, which Im not and she is out to cause trouble for me. On Thursday she completely overreacted when she came to collect her son and he had wet his pants. She verbally abused me and at one point I thought she was going to hit me. She was SO angry with me. She really scared the ***** out of me!! I went home that night and cried myself to sleep. The next day I had a gastro bug so I stayed home - I would have been too scared to go to work even if I wasn't sick that day.

I'm seriously considering quitting my job because I don't want to put up with that woman yelling at me each week. I've had other 'nasty' encounters with her before but never this serious. I'm feeling a bit depressed and teary today. I don't want to leave my job but I'm scared - this woman may be capable of more than just yelling. Tomorrow my boss wants to talk to me about this situation - about the kid wetting his pants. I don't know how that will make things better, unless this woman decides to take her kid out of care. My boss is aware that this mother hates me so hopefully she is on my side. I've talked to my flatmate about it and she agrees with me that the mother is completely irrrational - almost psycotic. This has upset me more than anything else I can think of. I don't know what else to do apart from leave this job. If I stay there, I'm likely to get abused again and if that keeps happening, I might be forced to jump off something. I almost feel like jumping off something now. Does anyone have any advice? Maybe my chat with my boss will help but I doubt it will change my mind about leaving my job. I would rather have no job at all than have a job where I always feel scared.

I also found out a few weeks ago that my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I was upset and angry about this because he was my first boyfriend. We are still very close and we keep in regular contact. However, he has had a few other girlfriends since me and I didn't feel upset about them so why do I feel upset now?? I guess I feel angry and upset because we couldn't work things out as a couple - we considered living together but we knew it wouldn't work. We were just good friend that slept together from time to time. For a while it was good for both of us but I moved away and we sort of called it quits, although he did follow me shortly after I moved away. We tried to keep the relationship going but it was never the same, he couldn't find a job so he had to move to another town to get one.

When I found out about his new girlfriend, I was happy for him at first because he had gone through some tough times previously (he was suicidal for a while and he had to get treatment). He was a bit mixed up and he didn't really know where he was going with work or his life. Then he worked things out and got this new girl. I was upset at first - not jealous as such but sad that we would never have the same friendship that we had before. When he was single, there was always a chance that we could get back together (well not really but I liked wish there was a chance) and we often spoke on the phone. Now I feel as if I've lost him as he hasn't contacted me for a while. He told me last year (when he was recovering from suicidal tendancies) that he could talk to me about anything. He told his therapist about us having a relationship and she told him to talk to me. She said that just because we didn't sleep together anymore, didn't mean he couldn't talk to me. Thats when he phoned me and told me that he had thought about committing suicide. He sorted himself out before he actually attempted anything. I'm glad he confided in me because I value that part of our friendship. I really hope he contacts me again because I do miss him. I guess I am a bit jealous of his new girlfriend but I've got a good feeling about her - even though Ive never met her I think she will be good for him. I hope he doesn't forget our friendship. I was feeling ok about this until that mother abused me at work and now its hit me hard again. I would love to call Christian (my ex) and have a good chat with him about this situation. I lost his phone number and his email address isn't working so that has made me more angry.

Old 04-17-2005, 02:08 PM   #29
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 134
Frank186 HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Man Apart,

I didn't read the entire thread but here's my 2 cents. It looks like you're still trying to hang in there in spite of it all and that's great! One thing I'd like to say is beauty will not be what fixes you. There are tons of really attractive folks that have depression and tons of them that have committed suicide. Your issue is not beauty it's mostly self esteem. I don't believe that all the extreamly unattractive people in the world are depressed or anxious. Life may be a little harder for them but they find esteem through the friends they keep, the hobbies they have, and the jobs and careers they fight to build. Life is not easy and everyone has their own challenges to get through in life. Imagine how it's like to be one of those people who's had their faces disfigured by burns, or some car accident. It's tough to live life especially if we are not all born rich and beautiful. The thing is it doesn't matter what God has given you in life we have to make the best of it. If you don't have the looks you need to hang your esteem on other things because beauty is only temporary. I actually feel really sorry for all those super attractive people who attatch all the esteem on their looks. Eventually we all turn old and unattractive to society and we'll all have to deal with it as best we can. So hang in there k? Work on getting out more expanding your horizons and maybe get some therapy to build your self esteem. You say this place is a release for you. Have to tried keeping a journal? That is immensely theraputic to vent your frustrations. After a while read some of your jounal entries back to yourself and pretend to be a friend to yourself and give some advice to this troubled soul who's confiding in you. We all have to be our own friends and have the capability to be our own best therapists. There is always a way and there will always be new options. If you have currently exhausted your options with regard to medications there's always things like ECT or the new Vagus Nerve Stimulation therapies for drug resistant depression so hang in there and don't give up k? Take care!


Old 04-17-2005, 05:20 PM   #30
Junior Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 14
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Originally Posted by Man Apart
I don't really expect anything to become of what I write on this board. I use it mainly as a release. I have to put all of these overflowing emotions somewhere. Can't write with a pen or paper, my hand shakes like a leaf sometimes. I guess I'll cut to the chase... I want to die. Not saying I am or will. I just have these overriding feelings of death. I'm lost. Lost in every way possible. Somewhere so dark. Somewhere so deep. I'm walking on a hopeless road. I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm deeply tormented. Sad. Empty. I wake up everyday and I just have nothing left. Nothing there. Emptied.

Pardon me for this release. I'm just grasping at straws. Gasping for air. Everyday I wake up with this cold feeling deep in my gut. My broken mind. This condition. Depression, anxiety. Whatever it is. It controls me. Controls everything. I look in the mirror. It shouldn't even show a reflection. Theres just nothing there. Nothing left of me. I have no goals or ambitions. Im useless, no drive, no talent, no education, nothing. I can barely cry. Everyday my feet gets carved up from walking all over my past broken dreams. My past has bled me to death. Drain me of my happiness. My diginity. My life.

I wine, I moan. But everyone goes through their own little piece of hell. Mine is waking up everyday wondering why im still here. Wondering where my mind went. Knowing that its going to end very badly soon. My mind has already died. Just waiting for the body to come along with it. I can feel myself breaking down physically. Shame Im still kinda young, I got a long way to go still. But I feel the beginnings. Just keep eating every fattening greasy thing you can find. I cant feel my body breaking down, day by day. Its like my right to die. No reason to try anymore. I Hate every fiber of myself. I'm the worst part of scum. I'm relatively a nice guy. Think of me as the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. Big, scary, hairy even, mean looking, but filled with fear. I got a good heart but everything else I could throw in a big trash can and set on fire. Theres a little patch of ashes where my old self used to be. Memories of this young, vibrant, handsome(I wish), intelligent young man full of life, all just dumped into the ocean. There was a funeral a long time ago. I walked up to the casket and saw myself. I was dead on arrival the moment I was born. I hate every single thing that came out of my mother. I cant do anything for her. Theres nothing more I can say. I can't trust myself, when I'm enemy #1.

I'm going to help cleanse the gene pool and decide never to have children. Heck I don't have to worry about that. There isnt a woman alive that would let me get close enough to her just to even ask for the time. I'm so darn ugly I could serious slap God for making me this way. Or should I blame my parents. Or maybe I wouldn't look so bad if my life wasn't as rough and I wasn't 100lbs overweight. Oh and being black doesn't help. I turn on the news everyday, seeing young black men, one after another, wanted, dead, robbing, killing, arrested. Its so sad. They don't know anything else. Theyre raised around violence, theyre a product of it. I feel ashame sometimes. Almost like I need to apologize for my skin. But black or white, doesn't matter really. Theres no other burden or curse in life than being uglier than sin. Its like wearing the Scarlett letter. Everyone treats you different. But if your beautiful or even just average, its like having a incredible super power. People treat you differently. The world is more kind. Doors are open. Life is precious.

I'm a troubled, self-absored, relatively young person. I write sometimes as a outlet when I'm confronted with disaster. And I have a few very disastrous events heading my way. I have to let go of the only person who ever gave a darn about me. Its for her own good. Cos im just a cancer to her. If thats not painful enough, I have to reveal to my mother that I caught her husband and daughter having sex... again. And Im probably going to lose my job yet again. I try to take the pieces of my broken mind and just throw them out here and see if anyone can make sense of it. I have so much pressure in my head. So much to fear. Theres so many people that are going to be hurt because of me. And I can't stop it. I can't control it. It's not my fault. Theres just nothing I can do anymore. These words just lay dormant on my computer, just like boxing it up in my mind for further devestation. Nothing is explained. Noone can help me. I don't write my thoughts to be entertaining, or for pity. I write them in the way as if I was addressing a letter to the entire world that hates and rejects me. That stripped away my self worth, self esteem, and pride. I couldn't even begin to go through the bevy of misery that is my life. Im a waste of space and flesh.

It never ends. I'm trapped in a spider web. It just never ends. Theres no pill on earth that could help me. My last doctor told me "You've been on everything, I think you will just have to accept and deal with a certain level of this." Thanks Doc. But hes right. You name it, ive took it. It doesn't even put a dent into my depression, my anxiety, my fear.

Why was I born. Why was I born. This is all a mistake. Im a mistake. I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be this. Theres just nothign there. Nothing inside me. Why close my eyes. Theres nothing to dream. Why walk, I cant go anywhere. Why have a heart, I have noone to love. I just dont want to live. I dont care what God says about life being precious. Im very sorry to disagree with our almight father, if he/she/it exist, but precious to who? The beautiful? The rich? Yeah sure. They have alot to live for. Thats all life is about, trying to be beautiful and get rich. Life is precious. 3/4th of this world live in poverty. And what about the dying, the poor. What about the ugly? What about the sick, physically and mentally like many of the people on this board. I'd rather have broken arms and legs than a broken mind. You don't have your mind, you dont have anything. You can't determine whats real or not.

I have this overwhelming hatred for myself. My head throbs in pain sometimes for the amazing scorn I feel towards myself. Through all my struggle and desperation. I'm still right where I started. I beat myself. Punish myself. I feel all this guilt inside. Then after Im done, I ask myself, what did I do? Why do I do these things to myself? Well I hate you Rod.(oh thats my name btw, yeah, hi.) Because your ugly. Because your a mental midget. Because your not man enough to face the world. You let it get in. You let the depression get in. You let it consume you. Now theres a point of no return. You can't even take care of yourself. I hate you cos you eat to drown out the pain. Must be alot of pain, because you look like a whale. I hate you. Why couldn't you have been born handsome, smart, fearless, strong? Why did you lose your mind. It was the only thing you had left. You repulse me.

I don't know what I believe in. I don't know where I am. Everyone says itll be ok. But of course it won't. What happens when hope is lost? Does it ever wake you in the middle of the night. The fear. What does someone do when they awaken to that. Life is not precious to me. Its never been. Everyday is the same. I feel like Im forsaken. Or cursed or just simply, genetically challenged to live, to prosper, to find any resemblance of peace or happiness. Life isn't precious. But death. Oh, thats a treasure I can't wait to discover.
Right before I die, I hope im conscious enough to speak, I hope I can crack a little smile and tell myself, I'm free.
Dear Man Apart~

I'm down here NTHEZERO. It's's nothing. I need your help Man Apart. Who would of thought that a silly little 24 year white old girl like me could relate WORD FOR WORD from the heart of a black man. Our souls are one. Reading your letter was like an affirmation (sadly enuff) of everything I say to myself everyday. I've been diagnosed w/ severe depression, OCD, etc...since I was 10, but I remember feeling sad way b4 that. In fact, as far back as I remember, I remember being sad. Empty. And I've been given so many blessings, I don't deserve them b/c I cannot appreciate them. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I am so tired of all of this. All I want to do is sleep all of the time. It gotten past the point of emotional desperation; now I'm just a physical mess, shaking all of the time, eating and sleeping, I've taken up smoking again and I have bad asthma. I dont care. At least it helps me get thru 15 mins of the day. I feel resigned to hell on earth. Please help.

Down Here,

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