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I'm lost. I want to be free

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Old 05-05-2005, 03:55 PM   #76
Join Date: Mar 2005
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rfus HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Yo Rod.

I'm glad you went out. My foot feels better after I lie in the sun. The sun has healing properties, I imagine it can help the brain as well. Its not nearly as hot up here in Maine....close.

As for the planes....I was very excited to hear that you are considering another shot at the trip, but if I can put my two cents in, I think there is just way to much pressure being put on the whole situation. The goal at this point should not be focused on getting on the plane, getting married, having this trip solve your life, and bridging the gap accross the world. The goal should be to make little goals for yourself. If there is an activity that makes you anxious, work on controlling and understanding your emtions in that environment. Take on little challenges that will help you get ready for bigger ones. You know you are not ready for your ultimate challenge in life, So start doing the work to get ready. Like you said, change and the unknown are catalysts for the onset of attacks. If the biggest challenge in your life tomorrow is just getting out of bed, then work on conquerring that for a week straight. Then work on the people and public places thing. Then make travelling goals. Start by taking a cab. Then try some bus trips for starters. Then maybe take a train for the weekend to a place you have never been. If you can overcome these little things then you are making progress towards your goal. You must build your boat while it is in the harbor, but then let it sail, for that is its purpose.

Big trips are exciting, and so is the unknown. This can easily turn quickly into anxiety as you know. The best thing about traveling is all the stuff you learn about yourself. What is really important to you. Travel can be very lonely, but there is one thing you already don't have to worry about.

I am good. Three more weeks till the cast comes off. I have to relearn to use my foot again. It will be very hard, but I am willing to take on the challenge. You have to learn to control your thoughts and emotions. This is a way harder task than learning to use your foot, but when we both overcome our challenges we will be walking tall my friend.

Much Peace

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Old 05-06-2005, 02:01 AM   #77
Man Apart
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 447
Man Apart HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I'm sorry I really brought it up. I really don't want to get too into a discussion about her and the trip. I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk about it. I know what I need to do and I don't know what I need to do. I've rebooked that flight 4 times now, and cancelled it each time. Each time I start to feel, "IT." Every time I cancell they penalize me and the ticket credit continually loses value. EoR it kind of defeats the purpose of even going if I cant bring her home. And living there just isnt a option for someone of my condition. I don't know yet. You guys are absolutely right, I understand your points clearly. I know the consequences both ways. You have no idea the magnitude and complexity of the situation. I just don't know. Like I said, I shouldn't bring it up to much, its painful enough as it is.

Take care.

Old 05-06-2005, 07:13 AM   #78
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Albuquerque, NM
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EoR HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I never meant to bring you down. I only wanted to help. I was trying to be encouraging, but probably came off as preachy or something. I had good intentions. I'm so sorry.

~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)

Old 05-06-2005, 11:06 AM   #79
Man Apart
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 447
Man Apart HB User
Unhappy Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

You didn't bring me down hun. Not at all. Im sorry if I came off that way. You were very encouraging, and right in so many ways. Its just alot I cant explain, and alot of things to consider. I dont want to hurt her but everytime i strike out its a blow to her heart. I feel like, yeah I wanna go for it, I wanna experience this extremely mindbowing, life changing journey. Its one thing to want. I dont know if I can. I look at this whole situation and it just seems like if I cant even get on a plane then I cant trust myself to go as far as I want to go in this. I haven't even taken the first step, and im looking up at the peak of Mt. Everest.

Im sorry EoR. You didnt bring me down. I just think everyone gives me too much credit and forgets that Im the biggest, ugliest loser to ever walk God's green earth.

Yeah I thought about the consequences of if I cant do this for myself. Ill go back to what I used to be. Suicidal with a tremendous thirst for death. Something I desire just as much as love. Im just trying my best to be realistic and think rationally. I want to know if this whole thing is irrational. I ask myself that everyday. Spending all this money, travelling 30 hours in the air, jumping legal hoops for God knows how long, all while dragging her through the mud. I want whats best for her. I send her 1/4 of my pay check every week. For her family, school supplies, new clothes, so she cant eat a burger every once and awhile and not have to eat rice for breakfast lunch and dinner. So she can go to the internet cafe once or twice a week and just for that one hour let me relish in her smile and sense of humor. Im in awe of her gracefulness despite her living conditions.

The longer I prolonge this the harder itll be for her. Giving her false hope. Trying my best to convince myself that Im gonna finally do something amazing. That my dream can come true. That the frog can become a Prince, the troll can ride atop a unicorn. I honestly had every intention in my mind body and soul of accomplishing this and being there for her. But just like everything else in my life ive failed. I didnt realize the degree of difficulty it is to become a U.S. citizen for her. It will take a act of God to pry her out of that country. And I certainly didnt think I would have the worst panic attack in my life the day before the flight. Im not being negative, I just want to be honest with myself and with her.

She has a breasts cyst from when she was 17. Ill just become another variation of cancer in her life. I have this condition holding me back from everything. Im just, Im torn somewhere in the middle. Keep trying, keep believing, or, quit, give her her life back, dont waste her time. I keep having these dreams of her here, sitting in my living room, holding our child, smiling up at me, living in a home, with me, a caring man who wants to rid her life from poverty and let her love fill me with the strength to always protect and provide for her, her happiness and needs. Then I keep having these nightmares of her out in the middle of the philippine streets with her hopes and dreams and heart destroyed by me, a worthless pathetic excuse for a human being, as she eats out of garbage cans, crying, suffering, stuffing everything i ever sent her in a box and setting it on fire............................ :'(

Sitting here just crying. Just crying. What did I get myself into. I made a horrible mistake. I would be dead if it wasnt for her. But, :'(. I dont know.................................... ......................Im so pathetic. God help me please. :'(

Why isnt there a Roselyn here. Why couldnt she be next door. I know. I just know. It would all fade. I could walk down the streets with my head high. I could work in the day somewhere in a office with her picture on my desk knowing that I have something to go home to, this is why i work, why i provide, why i live, why I am the best I can be. Ahh, I cant live for myself, how, I hate myself. But for her, Id....... move mountains.

But then again I can even get on a plane. But its not about the plane. Its about failing. I know I can get on that plane. If I didnt read all that stuff before I would have been there probably 3 times by now. I threw every check in the bank. I scrubs cars til my back went out. I did it all for this dream. I just didnt know. Over there, their people are their property. You basically have to negotiate with their goverment.

I cant help but to keep this door open. You have no idea what it does to me to see her on webcam and to hear her voice. Weve known each other a year now and it never cease to amaze me how she can instantly bring a smile to my face and make me feel like the world isnt such a bad place. I stare into her eyes. I follow them wherever they wander. I see so many things. I have so many feelings. I can see this pureness, this sweet innocent, shy, holy woman who stands about 5ft tall but has the inner strength of hercules. Yeah I know if she was born in America she'd treat me like every other woman who Ive try to talk to. She learn what shallowness and superficial is. Im not naive to that. But thats the reason I love her, shes raised in a part of the world where life humbles you, reality and survival is everything. And a good man is more valuable than just another pretty boy.

I gotta stop, tears are falling. Ill give myself a anxiety attack. Im babbling, I dont even know if any of this makes sense. Im sorry again and hope I dont discourage you to post in this thread. I know im a mess. I know. Still wanna give me that hug? Right now your probably having 2nd thoughts.

Continue to take care and thanks for everything, the kind words, ur time and your hugs.

Last edited by Man Apart; 05-06-2005 at 11:32 AM.

Old 05-06-2005, 04:20 PM   #80
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 166
Unicorn430 HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

No, Rod, none of us who consider you a friend would have second thoughts about giving you a hug due to reading your true feelings. I completely understand the feeling of not wanting to live just for oneself, of feeling the world isn't such a bad place, as long as one is loved and can give love. The only real reason I treck on through life is because of my dreams for my future (love, family, etc.), not for me. I will start to think, but what if those dreams never materialize? Then I make myself think of something else. I don't know what I'll do if I find myself quite a bit older and still lonely. Will I be able to accept it and still be happy? I don't know. I envy strong people or those who have lasting love throughout their lives, or those who don't care if they don't have it. I hope I didn't make anyone feel bad by writing this... just having a sad lonelyish day. Keep trecking on, everyone.

Old 05-08-2005, 06:25 PM   #81
Man Apart
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 447
Man Apart HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I feel like a slinky sometimes. Bouncing off rock bottom onto near rock bottom. Drn, I also told you in my post to your thread that im a firm believer in hopelessness. But only for myself. The bad days heavily outweight the ok days and a good day is every blue moon. So I dont really expect that ratio to change much. Ok maybe last year when someone told me she loved me my heart started pumping again and my blood turned from black to red momentarily. But even in my posts up to the month of November I continuously said, something will go wrong, something always goes wrong for me and it did. For everyone else, of course I will continue to write postive things. Theyre not hopeless.

To be honest. Sometimes you just know which ones you can trust and which ones you cant trust. I know her. The last year has been such a intriguing emotional ride for us. I never met her and probably never will, but I KNOW I can trust her and how she feels about me.

Ill learn to love myself when someone can prove to me that I can be loved. When I can feel someones touch or hug or kiss, or hold someones hand, instead of dreaming about it then Ill find a way to love and accept myself. It only takes one person out of this God forsaken world. When you look like me, wear my skin, and have to fight through obscurity and torment all your life just because of the way you were born, I think you would find it hard to accept yourself too.

Love myself? Maybe that would work with some people. They can accept living life alone and being their own best friend and etc. Me, I can't. I just can't. I cant accept that I have to spend my life alone in this empty room just because of what I see in the mirror everyday. I dont give a flying chimpanzee(for lack of a better expletive), that im physically unattractive. Im a good man. Its not my fault the way i was made, but it doesnt mean I am any less deserving of love and friends, and happiness, and confidence, and to not have little children at grocery stores point at me like Im a zoo animal. Lonliness is too big of a void in my heart. My envy eats away at me slowly and effectively like termites tearing down a house. Your top of your class I cant even walk through a college door. Were both depressed. The mind is a terrible thing.

Old 05-08-2005, 07:08 PM   #82
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 0
rfus HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Rod, I read somewhere that you were having an ok day today. You talk much of this ability to find happiness in yourself based on the love from and for another, I hope you were able to do that for your mother today. Moms will always love their sons, and may say that they are 'good', but are aware of the truth, and secretly cry inside for you. Do you ever write things for just her about your struggle. She will understand. Your mother loves the goodness in you.

If I were you, I would be proud of the wisdom and goodness you posess. I saw it in your recent posts to EoR.

We need to get you out into this world. Your nest, your room, your zone, is all something your mind is holding onto. You are closer than you think.

You are staying out of the dark and deep caves in your recent posts, the bad thoughts, and negativity. Its not like its not there ,and your ability to go there is a thought away, but you are fighting hard, and I am very proud of you my friend.

Your friend, Ryan

Get out in the day. Be in the moment. Stop analyzing yourself and just be yourself. And walk for me. I get to put weight on the foot in two weeks. Much Peace.

Old 05-09-2005, 12:12 AM   #83
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
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MermaidMer HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the looney bin i go!
i just posted a quick little reply in EoR's thread, and i wanted to pop in here too to let everyone know i'm alive, just stressed from finals and studying. in two weeks, when i walk across that stage into adulthood, i will be done with my undergraduate career forever, and will thus have a lot more time to devote here.
just know i'm here, just not here , if you know what i mean. anyway, time for me to go to sleep. i just wanted everyone to know that they are loved. big hugs and kisses to all!

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