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Man Apart 04-08-2005 02:18 AM

I'm lost. I want to be free
I don't really expect anything to become of what I write on this board. I use it mainly as a release. I have to put all of these overflowing emotions somewhere. Can't write with a pen or paper, my hand shakes like a leaf sometimes. I guess I'll cut to the chase... I want to die. Not saying I am or will. I just have these overriding feelings of death. I'm lost. Lost in every way possible. Somewhere so dark. Somewhere so deep. I'm walking on a hopeless road. I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm deeply tormented. Sad. Empty. I wake up everyday and I just have nothing left. Nothing there. Emptied.

Pardon me for this release. I'm just grasping at straws. Gasping for air. Everyday I wake up with this cold feeling deep in my gut. My broken mind. This condition. Depression, anxiety. Whatever it is. It controls me. Controls everything. I look in the mirror. It shouldn't even show a reflection. Theres just nothing there. Nothing left of me. I have no goals or ambitions. Im useless, no drive, no talent, no education, nothing. I can barely cry. Everyday my feet gets carved up from walking all over my past broken dreams. My past has bled me to death. Drain me of my happiness. My diginity. My life.

I wine, I moan. But everyone goes through their own little piece of hell. Mine is waking up everyday wondering why im still here. Wondering where my mind went. Knowing that its going to end very badly soon. My mind has already died. Just waiting for the body to come along with it. I can feel myself breaking down physically. Shame Im still kinda young, I got a long way to go still. But I feel the beginnings. Just keep eating every fattening greasy thing you can find. I cant feel my body breaking down, day by day. Its like my right to die. No reason to try anymore. I Hate every fiber of myself. I'm the worst part of scum. I'm relatively a nice guy. Think of me as the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. Big, scary, hairy even, mean looking, but filled with fear. I got a good heart but everything else I could throw in a big trash can and set on fire. Theres a little patch of ashes where my old self used to be. Memories of this young, vibrant, handsome(I wish), intelligent young man full of life, all just dumped into the ocean. There was a funeral a long time ago. I walked up to the casket and saw myself. I was dead on arrival the moment I was born. I hate every single thing that came out of my mother. I cant do anything for her. Theres nothing more I can say. I can't trust myself, when I'm enemy #1.

I'm going to help cleanse the gene pool and decide never to have children. Heck I don't have to worry about that. There isnt a woman alive that would let me get close enough to her just to even ask for the time. I'm so darn ugly I could serious slap God for making me this way. Or should I blame my parents. Or maybe I wouldn't look so bad if my life wasn't as rough and I wasn't 100lbs overweight. Oh and being black doesn't help. I turn on the news everyday, seeing young black men, one after another, wanted, dead, robbing, killing, arrested. Its so sad. They don't know anything else. Theyre raised around violence, theyre a product of it. I feel ashame sometimes. Almost like I need to apologize for my skin. But black or white, doesn't matter really. Theres no other burden or curse in life than being uglier than sin. Its like wearing the Scarlett letter. Everyone treats you different. But if your beautiful or even just average, its like having a incredible super power. People treat you differently. The world is more kind. Doors are open. Life is precious.

I'm a troubled, self-absored, relatively young person. I write sometimes as a outlet when I'm confronted with disaster. And I have a few very disastrous events heading my way. I have to let go of the only person who ever gave a darn about me. Its for her own good. Cos im just a cancer to her. If thats not painful enough, I have to reveal to my mother that I caught her husband and daughter having sex... again. And Im probably going to lose my job yet again. I try to take the pieces of my broken mind and just throw them out here and see if anyone can make sense of it. I have so much pressure in my head. So much to fear. Theres so many people that are going to be hurt because of me. And I can't stop it. I can't control it. It's not my fault. Theres just nothing I can do anymore. These words just lay dormant on my computer, just like boxing it up in my mind for further devestation. Nothing is explained. Noone can help me. I don't write my thoughts to be entertaining, or for pity. I write them in the way as if I was addressing a letter to the entire world that hates and rejects me. That stripped away my self worth, self esteem, and pride. I couldn't even begin to go through the bevy of misery that is my life. Im a waste of space and flesh.

It never ends. I'm trapped in a spider web. It just never ends. Theres no pill on earth that could help me. My last doctor told me "You've been on everything, I think you will just have to accept and deal with a certain level of this." Thanks Doc. But hes right. You name it, ive took it. It doesn't even put a dent into my depression, my anxiety, my fear.

Why was I born. Why was I born. This is all a mistake. Im a mistake. I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be this. Theres just nothign there. Nothing inside me. Why close my eyes. Theres nothing to dream. Why walk, I cant go anywhere. Why have a heart, I have noone to love. I just dont want to live. I dont care what God says about life being precious. Im very sorry to disagree with our almight father, if he/she/it exist, but precious to who? The beautiful? The rich? Yeah sure. They have alot to live for. Thats all life is about, trying to be beautiful and get rich. Life is precious. 3/4th of this world live in poverty. And what about the dying, the poor. What about the ugly? What about the sick, physically and mentally like many of the people on this board. I'd rather have broken arms and legs than a broken mind. You don't have your mind, you dont have anything. You can't determine whats real or not.

I have this overwhelming hatred for myself. My head throbs in pain sometimes for the amazing scorn I feel towards myself. Through all my struggle and desperation. I'm still right where I started. I beat myself. Punish myself. I feel all this guilt inside. Then after Im done, I ask myself, what did I do? Why do I do these things to myself? Well I hate you Rod.(oh thats my name btw, yeah, hi.) Because your ugly. Because your a mental midget. Because your not man enough to face the world. You let it get in. You let the depression get in. You let it consume you. Now theres a point of no return. You can't even take care of yourself. I hate you cos you eat to drown out the pain. Must be alot of pain, because you look like a whale. I hate you. Why couldn't you have been born handsome, smart, fearless, strong? Why did you lose your mind. It was the only thing you had left. You repulse me.

I don't know what I believe in. I don't know where I am. Everyone says itll be ok. But of course it won't. What happens when hope is lost? Does it ever wake you in the middle of the night. The fear. What does someone do when they awaken to that. Life is not precious to me. Its never been. Everyday is the same. I feel like Im forsaken. Or cursed or just simply, genetically challenged to live, to prosper, to find any resemblance of peace or happiness. Life isn't precious. But death. Oh, thats a treasure I can't wait to discover.
Right before I die, I hope im conscious enough to speak, I hope I can crack a little smile and tell myself, I'm free.

Rickswife 04-08-2005 02:35 AM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
I just read your post and I was amazed.

You have a way with words that needs to be utililized!!! The way you express yourself, even in your pain is beautiful. You sound intelligent and have a talent for drawing a person into your world as dreary as you perceive it and making someone want to know more. You need to do something with that.

The fact that you have to discuss the betrayal you have seen to your mother is sad, yet if it has happend before and they are still together then she accepted it the first time and has already prepared herself mentally for it to happen again. You didn't cause this they did.

As for being ugly? Ok , I am sorry you feel that way.. A also have a self esteem issue. I am too tall.. 5'9 and about 50 lbs about an amazon. Everyone swears I am 6' ..which I deny of course..I even have a little card from my doctor saying my height just to prove it..pathetic. Oh I try to be pretty, I have naturally light blonde hair that is past my waist.. I go to the tanning salon to help cover up my paleness..and I use every wrinkle cream I can get my hands on..even though people tell me I don't have wrinkles.. liars!!!!! How do I get through it? I fake confidence which for some reason draws people to me. Funny thing is..I learned how to do that from my baby sister who is 11 years my junior!!!! She is 6'3 overweight and proudly walks down the street wearing 6 inch platform shoes. People swarm her.
Ok ran out of things to say...


RAG DOLL 04-08-2005 08:09 AM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
I agree with Rickswife,you have a real talent to put into words how a lot of us feel in some way.I think you painted a vivid picture of what its like to have depression and the emotions associated with it. I understand the feelings of low self esteem and how much time time I've wasted feeling sorry for myself.I ask God daily what is my purpose in life but the depression shuts out his answers.I don't overeat I'am the opposite,it"s one thing I have control of.You have a real talent,anyone who can express themselves the way you do has already found his purpose.Please don't waste it!RAGDOLL

MermaidMer 04-08-2005 08:25 AM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
hi rod,

long time no talk. i was actually thinking about posting a new thread to check up on our old friends. i'm sorry to hear you're not doing so well....unfortunately i'm not either. i've had quite a few emotional breakdowns recently, and i'm afraid i'm failing one of my classes, which wouldn't allow me to graduate. i'm under a ton of stress, and i think my medication stopped working like a month ago. i've been in this slump and i don't know how to get out of it. so, sorry to say, i don't know if i can offer any mermaid words of wisdom because i'm in the same boat you're in. but just know that we're in this together and i'm always here for you. hang in there. love you!


Man Apart 04-08-2005 02:19 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
Mermaid, your too beautiful to be depressed. You don't have to be where I am. I can't even go to the store sometimes, i can barely get out of my bed. I can only dream about being in college. You've got more fight in you than you realize, and certainly a lot more to live for. You have my sympathy. Hope you feel better, Little Mermaid.

Unfortunately I can't fake confidence. it would be like a duck pretending to be a swan. I tried it once. Just embarrassed myself even more. As they say, you cant shine crap(for lack of a better word). I lost 114lbs once. I was slim. Even a little tone. I took a year and just dedicated it to getting in shape and losing weight. It did nothing for me. Cos the worst part of me is my face.

candcrew 04-08-2005 02:41 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
I am so sorry your are hurting so badly right now. I do agree that you have a way of painting a vivid series of pictures with your words. You are a talented writer. As for the 8th grade reading level? Hey that's more than enough to function in this world. Heck, most newspapers are written at the 6th grade level & look at how much can be learned/picked up from them!

I wish I had the right words to take your pain away but I know I don't. I will say I'm glad you stopped by today & shared that pain with us.


rfus 04-11-2005 01:00 AM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
I have only one thread I come here for. Itís for a broken heel and I'm bed ridden. Once in a while I hit New Posts and read a few. Your post was on top. I read it and thought it was very powerful. You definitely see no solution.

I don't know you, know really nothing about what you are going through other than what you thoroughly wrote, and would only want to help if I really met you. I don't think I can, but I can't sleep from the pain of this injury and feel compelled to put a virtual hand on your shoulder.

To let you know about me, I am 26, a normal guy, and I am quite happy with life. I am not rich or beautiful. I do not think of myself as ugly.

When I read your post I felt familiar undertones. I lost my twin brother 5 years ago. After this happened I hit a mental wall. I would wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think; tomorrow I want to end it all. I felt what you were saying. Knowing someone who did this and never wanting to do anything like that to my family made this just a thought, but I guess that is what I am saying.

I let the thoughts take over, the questions that do not have answers plague me, and my self induced complete mental seclusion isolate and dominate me. I lost self worth, stopped taking care of myself, and didn't want to get out of bed or do anything. All of this overshadowed anything I did have going for me. I beat this on my own, that was how I had to do it, and it was the toughest thing I ever did. It is a war inside your mind, defying thoughts and feeling that will not go away.

You have a disease. It is depression. Your veteran status on this board shows that you know that and want to fight it. I am reaching out in support of your fight

Ugliness is not a disease, but you feel it is your plague. You are going to have to fight really hard to let that go. How you look did not happen to you for a reason, but how you deal with how you look is going to make all the difference. Once we are old we are all ugly to look at in some sense. The elderly do not give up for this reason.

Like the others said, you do have a talent right on the page. Learn about computers. Focus on school. Get a pet. Do anything to stay in the fight. Two steps forward, one back. Two back, one forward.

Life seems so long when we are young. I can only imagine what my brother would do with one day back here. He believed that life is not hard; we just make it that way.

I am sorry for your family problems. This must be hard. Focus on yourself first.

You set a goal once. To lose weight and be fit. You accomplished this goal in little time but you were still depressed. Could you set a new goal. To fight your depression. I know you are already fighting in many ways. Try everything. Don't give up man.

Man Apart 04-11-2005 01:17 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
Anyone that gives a fraction of their time to listen and respond, I greatly appreciate it. I know I'm not going to find any answers to the puzzle. Just maybe I can understand why there has to be a puzzle. Theres a little ad under Candcrew's post that says "Depression is a treatable condition." Treatable, yes, curable, I'm afraid I don't believe so.

Unicorn430... Thanks for the suggestions. I think I've done just about everything you've said at least twice. Except the candlelights. I've done the soul searching. The cowboying. The indepth spiritual enlightenment. You know when you walk outside and try to be come one with nature. Or to just feel rain fall on my face just to remind me I'm still alive. To go outside and smell something other than the growing odor in my room because I'm in here with my door shut almost 24/7. I work the graveyard shift. Sometimes I can't help but to look up at the night sky and just stare at the stars. Never fails to intrigue me. But there's a degree of difficulty for me and I would imagine for anyone else that is deeply submerged in self-hatred. I look at all the beauty of the world and it just reminds me of how I'm the complete opposite. If your the unicorn, then I'm the donkey. I was suppose to take a trip across the Pacific ocean to a beautiful island to meet someone. And I couldn't. I don't think I could take seeing the world. Seeing the vast blue ocean and being up there in the clouds. It hurts to see beauty. Beautiful things, beautiful places, beautiful people. Thats why the troll lives under the bridge and the Prince rides the unicorn across it. It would be like a homeless person taking a tour inside a beautiful castle. You'd look in awe, but ache with deep envy. I am filled with envy. The aching, its endless, its always there. Envy is indeed a deadly sin.

rfus, Im very sorry for your heel. I hope you recover very soon and get back on your feet. When I was back in Jr. High school, I had my leg broken by a high school student doing some stupid wrestling move on me to impress his girlfriend and friends and basically have a good laugh at my expense. I was on crutches for months that year. Other than being tripped a few times and having my crutch snatched from me, It was probably the best year I had at that school before I transfered. They actually had mercy with me. I wasnt abused as much. I hope the doctors give you something for the pain. You know, I remember vividly the intense intial pain from when my leg was broken. I swear, Ive had panic attacks that felt worse.

Well, I'm 26 myself. I feel 46. But Im happy for you. And grateful you took time to post. My deepest sympathy for you and your lost loved one. Other than my grandparents, I don't know what its like to lose someone close. I just only know how it feels to lose myself.

In every war, there are casualties. Ive lost so much fighting depression and anxiety disorder. Lost parts of myself. Lost friends. Lost relationships and closeness with my family. Lost my passion for living.

Ugliness isn't a disease. No, its far worse. Its not treatable, curable, its a way of life, its the only plague of my life. 90% of everything I've been abused or have suffered from has been become of it. Its why I walk alone, live alone, sleep alone. It destroys the quality of your life. I wish I just looked normal. The oppurtunities in life, the doors, the people you meet, its all different. The world responds differently to someone like me. The way people look at me. I feel like a burn victim. Sometimes I wish I was. At least Id have a excuse I could live with for looking the way I do. To deal with it means to accept it. Unfortunately, I can never accept it. Because it has affected my life severely, and continuously has compromised my ability to live confidently and happy. Its decreased my chances of being successful in this shallow world. I can live without money and material things. I have no great pleasure in them, I would gladly accept that compromise. But I cant live being alone, just because of how I was created. As a human being, thats just to big of a void inside. No offense to God, but my life just isn't worth living.

I know everything(well almost) about computers. I dropped out of college because the anxiety would not subside. I'm severely agoraphobic, mainly cause its hard walking around feeling like the elephant man and praying I don't walk past a couple holding hands so I wont have a anxiety attack about 9.5 on the rector scale. I fight and fight, and oneday you realize its just playing with you. Spinning you around like a ballerina. Life isn't hard. I can deal with hard. Hard is nothing. Life is a impossible mystery. Don't know why I'm living, don't know why I'm waking up, don't know why every planet is a perfect circle, don't know why pizza taste so good but so bad for you, don't know why I wake up crying, don't know why we have to die. I just know, I wish I was on the other side. I think the truth is there. I think peace is there too.

Im trying. Well, making it up as I go along. There is this one thing I want to acheive. But I would have to climb Mt. Everest to get it. Climb a mountain of fear. Only time will tell. I just hope I have enough sand in my hourglass.

rfus 04-11-2005 02:23 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
I'm not for it, and wouldn't do it, but have you ever thought about plastic surgery? This will definately change your mug.

Man Apart 04-11-2005 08:17 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
[QUOTE=rfus]I'm not for it, and wouldn't do it, but have you ever thought about plastic surgery? This will definately change your mug.[/QUOTE]

:confused: .... No. They would have to do a complete overhaul. lol.

Even if I could afford it, I wouldn't do that. I'd rather die than to be consumed in a world of vanity.

But thanks for the chuckle.

macsjuls 04-11-2005 09:00 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
Man Apart,

I sit here reading your posts.........I find myself mesmerized by their beauty....their truth.....your pain. I see parts of myself I want to ignore......but are there none the my print. How does he know me.....I ask myself. It's intimate in nature. say the least.

I am moved deeply by your pain.....and my own. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had some great news to bear. But I don't. I am numbed by your words and in awe of them all at the same time. How is that.

Your questions, as do mine, run deep. Why?.......I keep asking myself. But for some reason I feel that I will ever know that answer. That for some reason, it is not my place.

It is quite amazing, the human spirit, in the fact that for whatever reason, it continues to go on. For me ......I choose to see it as just my purpose in life. But for you?......

All I know is you've touched me in a way that I can't explain. You're words are moving. They are words of many.......continue to speak for us...


starryiz 04-11-2005 09:24 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
You have a wonderful talent for writing and you made depression very real, you have actually really helped me alot! My husband has depression and has similar feelings to yours, but he is not nearly as eloquent so I could never really understand how he feels, which has been very frustrating, thank you for sharing your words. You have a great gift for writing and my hope for you will be that you find a way to use it and share it on a large scale with the world. Actually I will pray for this tonight.

Also, you seem to be very hard on yourself about your appearance, don't be. I know easier said than done, but you are obviously a very intelligent person which is something that not all of the beautiful people possess, truly you are either born with intelligence or you are not...but you can do something about your appearance!

As a young man, try to take it one day at a time, and make attainable goals for yourself each day. Even if it something as simple as washing the dishes, at least once it is done you can say you accomplished something, something that you couldn't do the day before.

Best of luck to you, you are in my thoughts/prayers.

rfus 04-11-2005 09:40 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
But it appears that your perception of your face, as ugly, has already consumed you. You attribute much of your depression to the fact that you are not beautiful, and you seem to believe that in this hedonistic, materialistic world, beautiful people have no reason to be depressed. It seems that this concept of vanity is something your mind continually focuses on, and therefore it controls you.

I understand why not attracting the opposite sex is a hard on you. You feel doomed and predestined to be alone.. You feel that you are missing something so many take for granted. You want to feel loved, but you never will be loved unless you love yourself first.

I think you sound like a very smart guy, with a beautiful, but very complicated mind. My life has never been enriched from a personís appearance, but many minds have touched and influenced my life. I would be your friend. I feel we could have conversations and probably find mutual interests. No matter what you looked like I could be your friend, but you probably would never give me that opportunity.

I find that helping people fills me like a cup. Kids mostly. Can you imagine a day where you spoke to depressed teenagers about beating depression? Your understanding of it and the way you can convey it will touch anyone that is dealing with depression or has ever been depressed. And if you are really as different looking as you say you are then you will send the message even more. There is a need for you. You are not worthless.

There is so much hard work for you to do. Are the fear, anxiety, and depression pieces your Everest? Could you ever forgive yourself for becoming who you are?

Rayne2005 04-11-2005 09:47 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
Oh my goodness, I stumbled across this thread and the words of your post Man Apart touched me. I dont know what your physical appearance is, but you have beauty that most only touch the edge of. Your way with words is miraculous, its a true art. I dont imagine that you are unappealing in apperance because such beauty could not come from a horrid person.
I find that i too wonder similar things. What is the purpose of it all, though unlike you i cant express it as well. You remind me of Edgar Allen Poe, whose poetry was dark and often misunderstood, his genius seemed to be coupled with madness. In my mind he was what everyone was, confused about the what life was, and he simply expressed it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I find myself unattractive. 5'8 with black hair and brown eyes. Not much to look at when i see myself. But i have seen the most beautiful people and when they open their mouth, ignorance and arrogance flood the air. it pours from them, covering over that outer beauty making them hideous. Man Apart everyone has somthing, but you have a true gift, and unlike outer beauty, it wont fade.
I know what its like to be bullied, for things that you can really control, but a friend once told me that it isnt because of you that they mess with or avoid you but because they are insecure in themselves.
As far as the gene pool goes, you'd be doing the world a disservice not leaving a blueprint or copy of yourself. Such greatness and wonder is umcommon and i would hate for it to go away. Attracting the opposite sex is more than a physical thing, this coming from a really young woman. I have found that while some guys who are attractive on the outside try to talk to me, its was i hear and feel from their inside that draws me. You are young, and have time to find that woman that will love and appreciate you for who you are. and with a beautiful mind, and probably heart, you will be beautiful to her no matter what your outer appearence is.
Im sorry i sound like this but i am truly enamored. I love writing and reading and i just can get over your use of words to describe pain in such a beautiful way. It is remarkable. You have my deepest admiration and respect.


rfus 04-11-2005 09:50 PM

Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,"--that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. -John Keats

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