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  • Living a "single" married life w/ a depressed husband...

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    Old 04-11-2005, 07:35 AM   #1
    Kymberlee
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    Living a "single" married life w/ a depressed husband...

    I feel down today because I live the most "single" married life! What do I mean by that? Well, my husband is depressed and is on meds. but we live like roomates...not married people. We sleep in separate bedrooms, haven't had sex in 6 months and just co-live in this house with our little boy who is 5. We plan on getting counseling together whenever his work schedule allows. (He travels for his job alot--usually Mon.-Fri.) He tells me that he doesn't love me anymore and cannot forgive me for the house not being clean enough and me spending money. I try to keep the house clean--but I feel like no matter how much I cleaned, it would never be good enough. Also, I know that I have a problem with money. The money I spent was for groceries or stuff for the house. He wants to pay the bills first and then whatever is left over, we can spend on food and stuff we need. I am in counseling now, working on my stuff. I just wondered about the other depressed marrieds out there...what's your relationship like??? Is it anything like this? Do you have good times together? Have you ever stopped loving your mate because of what he/she has done or not done? Advice, please!

     
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    Old 04-11-2005, 07:51 AM   #2
    macsjuls
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    Re: Living a "single" married life w/ a depressed husband...

    Kym,

    Your post sounds alot like how I feel and live!! My husband and I too have a 5 year old son and I feel as if I'm raising him by myself. I'm a stay at home mom....both by choice (somewhat) and his insistence(mostly). We too have arguments of money...but usually in the opposite form of which you speak. He does have a major problem with me spending money outside of the bills/food realm.....but has no problem with him spending it on himself. His theory.....he earns it.

    I don't know if I have any answers for you. I'm pretty stumped myself at how to go about having a "all inclusive" marraige. I've suggested counseling...but he doesn't think that will change anything...and pretty much feels that if we can't handle it on our own....counseling isn't going to change things.

    I'll admit....alot of our distance is my fault....I "acquired" it by trying to protect myself mentally from him during his perpetual bouts of "black depression". I just feel he expects me to give 150%.....and survive on 10% in return....and I just can't. There are times when I feel I just hate him...and yet somehow am still hoping that things will someday return to "normal"...whatever the heck that is.

    Tending to/living with someone who has depression can take a big toll on a person. I don't really think you have a shot at "getting it back" without counseling. I hope you are able to find the time to get that. At least your hubby has shown some interest.

    I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give.....but maybe just knowing you aren't the only one with these issue's is comforting in some way. I know it helps me, in some way, that I'm not the only one ......

    I wish you all the best........and hope that time becomes your friend!!

    mj

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 03:39 PM   #3
    Kymberlee
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    Re: Living a "single" married life w/ a depressed husband...

    MJ--Thanks for response. Yes, in a way, it makes me feel more "normal" knowing that others are living the same way that we are living. It also makes me sad that we are all up against this terrible monster called Depression. This illness envades every single pore of our relationships and I hate it! So, it seems like we are in the same boat. Does your husband ever say that he's not in love with you? Is he on meds.? Has he ever talked about leaving? Do you two have any kind of sexual relationship? Sorry to be so blunt...but sometimes I feel like we're the only married couple that are living this way. I miss him (the man I married) so much. I think his depression has just became more deep as the years have marched on. I also wonder if the meds. he's on are working...??? It seems to me that as we've aged, he's just been pushing me away more and more. Also, since we've had our son, I can see a big difference in his depression gettingmore dark. I know what you mean when you've made a new world for yourself. Sadly, I've had to do the same. I have some great friends around me that are like family to me. They all encourgage me and keep me focused. Also, my faith in God gets me through. My little boy is my life. I have tons of blessings...I just want my husband back!!!

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 05:59 PM   #4
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    Re: Living a "single" married life w/ a depressed husband...

    Kym,

    Aren't kids wonderful? I think I'd be floating right next to my husband if it wasn't for my son. Light of my world if ever there was one!!

    As for my hubby....he's never said he didn't love me....he said he wasn't capable. Same thing I quess. Hurt like h*ll!! Yes, he is on meds, a low dose of Cymbalta. We have been blessed with a "cure" so to speak......as his depression symptoms have been absent for over 8 months (a record for him!!), but the scars of the last 9 years have taken a drastic toll on me. As for the sex.....well......it's non-exsistant....but that is because of me. (my hubby has never suffered low libido.... had lack of performace due to meds on occasion...but that's about it) He doesn't talk about leaving, but he is quick to show me the door every time we have a "disagreement".

    You know, it kind of irks me that depression is not treated as the "family disease" that it really is. I think if everyone involved (from the "depressed to the significant others) were treated.......perhaps we would not be here exchanging sympathies. You know, when you enter marriage....you do it under the assumption and promise that it is a "joint venture"....a 50/50 deal. One should not be expected, nor do they come equipped with being capable of handling 100% and then some. But enough of that....

    So. for whatever it's worth.......no....unfortunately, you are not alone. I believe (or maybe I just choose to) that someday I will have back the man I thought I married. Either way, I believe that when the day comes......that when I leave this world....I WILL be richly rewarded.

    All my best to you.....your hubby...and your precious little boy!!

    mj

    Last edited by macsjuls; 04-11-2005 at 06:01 PM.

     
    Old 04-11-2005, 08:48 PM   #5
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    Re: Living a "single" married life w/ a depressed husband...

    My husband also suffers from depression. We have very little sexual contact...it used to be that he complained that we never had sex enough, now he will rarely touch me although he constantly talks about how sexy other women are, I found out that he has been out cruising for hookers...I am so hurt! When we fight it is always about sex. Any other topic he thinks I hang the moon....I don't know what to do...he isn't the man I married. Do I have any chance to reasonably hope that things will return to the way they used to be?


    My thoughts are with you both. & I agree that depression is a family disease. One of the most frustrating things about it is the lack of treatment/support for family members of people with depression. This website is the first thing I have found that helps me deal.

    Thank you for sharing...

     
    Old 04-12-2005, 03:08 PM   #6
    Kymberlee
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    Re: Living a "single" married life w/ a depressed husband...

    Thanks for both of your replies! I think that in heaven there is a special place reserved just for us!!! LOL That's what my brother told me once and he was dead serious. I cannot imagine my life w/o my faith in God...and because of that, I truly believe that there's a reason for everything. NOTHING happens by "chance". So, ladies, this is our "cross" to bear, so to say. We have to hold on to hope that one day we will get the love, respect and affection we all so richly deserve. This is a family illness and I feel the same way that both of you do,too. It's always about the depressed person...what about us? Even when we try to have a real talk about our problems and the depression it seems to ALWAYS be about HIM. I guess our son and I are just an "afterthought". It's very painful that he's pushed me away so many times when I've tried soooo many times to reach out to him after he's stepped all over my heart. So many people have told me that I'm a very strong person--even my husband has told me that. It's really not me...it's my faith in God that gives me strength. I'm really thankful for these boards because you all make me feel less alone and more "normal"--whatever that means!!! Keep posting and take good care of yourselves!

     
    Old 04-13-2005, 06:36 AM   #7
    tormenta
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    Re: Living a "single" married life w/ a depressed husband...

    Through this whole depression thing I have used it as an opportunity to learn more about spirituality and God and myself. We do all have crosses to bear. (At least I didn't have to carry mine physically like Jesus did. I don't think I'd be strong enough.) We must keep strong cause there is nothing that is unconquerable no matter how bad it seems. (I keep trying to tell myself that!!!)

     
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