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    Old 05-15-2005, 11:04 PM   #1
    Man Apart
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    Unhappy "Ugly" is Depression

    I remember when I was in 3rd grade. I was shorter than everyone. I had two big front rabbit teeth. My family was poor at the time so most of what I wore looked like scrap. The punishment I received for being me was severe and relentless. Children.... We were children. I was a child. They were children. Even at such a young age I caught a glimpse of something. I caught a glimpse of it. The things I feared most. The worst part of humanity. The animal side of human nature. I saw it in their eyes. Their faces. Their laughter. It was like being surrounded by a viscious pack of young wolves, ready for their first taste of blood, their first kill. I felt it. The older I got the worst it became. 7 years old, living in the worst jungle in Memphis. Learning the ABC's and 123's of hate, racism, beauty, ugliness, greed, envy, jealousy, and suffering. And also learning how to survive and fight for my life.

    There was a boy named Quartez back in elementary. He was tall. Strong. Tough. Handsome. He could beat everyone in running. He seemed like he was the best of everything. He could beat you in every game of marbles, every game of kickball, out do you in just about everything. He always had nice clothes. The lastest Nike's or British Knight's shoes. And every girl in the room liked him. They all wanted to sit next to him. Despite the fact that he wasn't very intelligent at the time. Whenever it was his turn to read in class he struggled, always mumbling and stuttering his way til the last sentence of each paragraph. But noone ever dared to laugh at Quartez. Noone every laguhed at him. Only with him. I always think back to the first time I ever sinned in my life. The first sin I ever committed was envying him.

    I read alot of threads and so many of the people here express grief and sadness due to their own self image. Of course it is one of the reasons Im a registered user myself. It just seem like the lack of physical attractiveness, or having a poor self image is synonymous with depression. It's not just a pattern or trend. Its a reality for many who suffer from depression. If there is one core reason why I suffer from depression, it would be because all my life I have had to live with being physically ugly. I look at it as being born with a immediate and significant disadvantage in life. Because its value in this world and our societies is infinite and has been since the beginning of time perhaps. The obsession to obtain, maintain, or regain the physical standards set in society is grossly exerted. My sister spent $2,000 to get a mole lasered off her face. My niece got breasts implants for her 19th birthday. I can hardly blame them. It seems like the physical changes pay dividends to one's self worth and acceptance in society.

    Beauty they say is in the eye of the beholder. However, it is becoming increasingly evident that being perceived as ugly can seriously detract from one's quality of life, while being attractive can give you tons of benefits. I really feel like beauty, or the lack thereof is becoming more and more of a health issue than anything. As if life isn't in its own right difficult enough, trying to live, succeed and find happiness in this world feeling inferior to everyone else is almost impossible.

    Beauty is not just skin deep. Its as deep as the marrow in your bones. Its so detailed. Having the right bone structure in your face, hips, legs. Having tone muscles, abs, biceps. And of course having beautiful skin. I came across a reality based tv show which premise was to evalute young 17-21 year old women to be models and whoever won would receive a modeling contract. It was one of the very few times I ever felt a smidge of pity for someone beautiful. I can't imagine the type of person you have to be to tell a little 17 year old girl she doesn't look good enough, she's not more like you, she's not tall enough, and breaking them down in every way possible until tears start pouring from their eyes. Other than watching sports and news and a few movies here and there, I could throw my tv out of a window because of some of the shows they come out with today.

    Of course I'm a recluse. Of course I'm a hermit. The unhappiness and swell of insensitive people I have to encounter because of my appearance is overwhelming. Ugly is ugly. Ugly is me. I hear alot of people complain about not being "hot." Or being average or just merely cute. To those I would say, it is better to be of average beauty than to have none whatsoever. Thats like a middle class person complaining that their not filthy rich. Of course I feel worthless. Anyone would. Beauty is one of the main criterias of having a high self-worth. There are people on this board that are highly intelligent college students and working adults with great jobs and careers but theyre here because they're missing something in their lives that no amount of money, nor a degree can give them.

    I wake up everyday asking myself the same question. 'Do I want to live?' Everyday theres a different answer to that question. Some days its 'yes.' Some days its 'I don't know.' Some days its 'no.' Some days its a resounding no, but I cant commit suicide cos what if there is a God, Heaven and Hell. And some days I feel like the Bible is about as credible as a Marvel comic book and usually on those days I end up in a hospital somewhere. I embraced pain and it became my friend. The only friend I have. Ahh, depression, low self esteem. Those are just the tip of the ice berg. I'm agoraphobic. I probably suffer from BDD. Im suicidal. And my anxiety attacks are more frightening than being in a japanese horror movie.

    Clearly, there is no innate problem in being 'aesthetically challenged'. Many people have achieved success, happiness and even fame without the assistance of classic good looks. But many problems arise when people perceive themselves as ugly and judge themselves on the basis of looks alone. For me, there was a consensus and overwhelming majority of people in my life that helped me developed the perception of me being ugly. What I saw in the mirror became irrelevant.

    I think we would all agree that to judge people purely on the basis of their physical attractiveness is shallow, dumb, and somewhat immoral. Yet, though most of the people in this world may be of 'average beauty', it has become so clear to me just how innate our pro-looks prejudice really is. Perhaps more prejudicial than racism. We now value beauty unreservedly. Men and women can profit from their beauty. Just that alone makes me want to check out of Hotel earth. People being able to gain wealth just by being born. No, God, we are not all created equal. Just like our fingerprints, everyone is born different. It overrides our morals and principles.

    Its such a silent epidemic. Growing and spreading throughout our youth, teenagers, adults, our morals, our standards, in every society and will continue on and on for generations. My anonmosity grows thicker with each account and the examples I read, things I see and experience. Being unique is the flavor of life. Having night and day. Black and white. Big or small. Tall or short. But I think God made a error in creating beauty and ugliness. Is it at all just a coincidence that "Lucifer" the most beautiful angel in Heaven according to the bible, was cast out of Heaven. I know my purpose in life. He created me to be night. He created me to be black. He created me to be big. He created me to be depressed. He created me to be ugly. I was born to help his people in this world distinguish between beauty and the pure ugliness that I am.

    Last edited by Man Apart; 05-16-2005 at 02:09 AM.

     
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    Old 05-16-2005, 05:47 AM   #2
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    You should pursue things you're good at, not things you're poor at. An ugly person in a beauty contest is wasting their time - they won't win - assuming winning was their goal. Most people realise that to an extent. That's why most average looking people wouldn't dare consider trying to become a model - they'd get ridiculed and sent back to their pathetic world, hating their own vanity and definining themselves as ugly. They do other things.

    For the beautiful - they have one extra opportunity - t.v. show hosting, modelling, advertising, etc.

    Thankfully though, in sum, the total amount of 'abilities' average individuals possess varies according to a reasonably normal distribution. There are few people with many 'abilities' and few with few. Thus, beautiful people don't necessarily have more than less-beautiful people. People are generally not that equal that beauty makes the difference. Beauty is therefore an irrelevance for those that do not have it - it is not their goal, nor their interest to pursue it.

    Most job applications don't care how beautiful you are. As long as you're within the average norm, people couldn't care less. If you're less than average - in a quasi-disabled sort of way, then yes it's a hinderance. Just like retardation is a hinderance. Fortunately though, more can be done about beauty than retardation or other disabilities.

    You can get surgery to correct your teeth. Indeed it's a normal procedure for all children to be fitted with braces if they show a tendency to malocclude. Adult intervation, although more complicated is possible and effective - contact an orthodontist. If your face is deformed, you're in less luck - but usually gross deformations come with other abnormalities, so beauty would be the least of your worries. Any skin problems with your face can be corrected by plastic surgery. Your hair can be grown and styled, and if this is not sufficient, you can wear a wig. You're right - beauty is essential, only in terms of the complete lack of it can be catastrophically detrimental. Thankfully, the complete lack of beauty is rare! Where it's not complete and not accompanied by bone abnormalities (other than teeth), then it can be corrected - with the correct sum of money.

    If you're not happy with yourself - change yourself, or change your thought pattern so that you are. The former is easier than the latter. Provided you are certain the reason you are unhappy is entirely due to beauty, then that can be fixed. If it isn't then of course you may have a tendency to continue to find other flaws once one is fixed. Only you know the answer to that.

    Beauty is important. It can be changed. If you lack money to change your beauty, then poverty is your problem, not beauty.

     
    Old 05-16-2005, 06:33 AM   #3
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Hi Rod - I was only thinking about you this morning while I was doing the washing-up. See how you get into people's minds! I have no answers for you as you know but if I was in third grade I would have sat with you Rod. You with rabbit teeth and me with mine that I had at the time. Would have made the taunts a lot easier to bear with a friend- I wouldn't have cared what you looked like. Sending you (((hugs)) today on a day I could do with some. Teresa.

     
    Old 05-16-2005, 12:10 PM   #4
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    I do not think "ugly" and depression are words that go hand n hand. I am what ppl refer to as very attractive. I suffer from depression and low self image. Man Apart I love your way with words. I would love to be able to express myself the way you do. I do agree ppl give u attention when u r considered good looking. However there is a lot of presure that goes a long with it and I always felt uncomfortable by attention becuase of how I looked. I rather enjoyed getting older and not having as much of the unwanted attention. I am very shy and just like being unnoticed. I also had to go through my husband cheating with several women all younger than myself. I never was afraid of age and now I am terrified of it. My husband a very good looking man feltr fear at growing older and well what does he do goes and gets attention from a younger women therefore verify he does in fact "still have it" I hate all the vanity that goes along with looks and it is so shallow and fleeting

    Anyway, my point is looks and depression are not linked in my opinion. I know ppl who are considered not good looking at all and they have wonderful personalities and very positive outlooks on life. They give their looks no thought at all.

    I wish I had been blessed with brains and drive over good looks. They are not dependant on youth.

     
    Old 05-16-2005, 12:19 PM   #5
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    just a thought, but perhaps he meant perceiving oneself as ugly goes hand in hand with depression?
    we have a very low estimate of ourselves usually, and the physical side can often be estimated at the lowest.
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    Old 05-16-2005, 03:46 PM   #6
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Yes , I considered that it was all in a persons perception of what they look like. Letys face it society puts a standard of beauty that is unreachable. That is one of the reasons we have eating disorders, an unrealistic expectation of what we should look like. However, IMO depression is far deeper than ugly vs beautiful. I was only pointing out that ppl who are depressed do not always think they are ugly.

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 02:21 PM   #7
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Hey, you. I'm sorry to see you're feeling down again. I was hoping your absence of late meant you were doing better. I understand having "those days." I wish I could say something that I haven't said before, or offer you something that could make you feel better about yourself, but I'm afraid I just don't have that kind of power. Please know you are thought of, cared for, and cherished. You will always be beautiful to me. I miss you.

    -EoR
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    Old 05-17-2005, 02:28 PM   #8
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    P.S. I was shorter than everyone in school and had big (and horribly crooked) teeth, too. My parents made me get a boy-like hair cut, and I had braces by 5th grade. In 6th grade, I was nicknamed "butt-nugget" by my peers. My stepmother bought my clothes from Target, but they were always tragically ugly, and she made me wear these bowling shoes she said were "cute." I, too, was teased horribly. I would've loved to have known you and sat beside you and "te34resa" and faced down those bullies. Maybe we can work together as adults to face them down, now, as they obviously still haunt us.

    Hugs,
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    Last edited by EoR; 05-17-2005 at 02:34 PM.

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 07:01 PM   #9
    Man Apart
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Rich, I guess I was shooting at a moving target because you didn't get the point. But I dont blame ya, cos I wasnt really aiming for anything in particular. Just ranting on behalf of the little tortured kid inside me. I think with confidence in yourself you can do just about anything. Its not about trying to do what your good at, its wanting to do what makes you happy and the problem with being denied it because race, size, looks, etc. Thats the problem with society. We tell people why they can't be something, when we should be telling them why they can. Especially young people. When your young, you absorb almost everything moreso from your peer than your own parents. I'd love to know what you'd say to someone who's 5'2 or a little overweight as to why they can't be anything they choose to be in life and why the person next to them whose taller or thinner and has a different face deemed more attractive can. One extra oppurtunity for the beautiful? No, the sky is the limit. But even if it was just one, it would still be one too many. Sometimes I feel like theyre the real Gods and Goddesses. People worship beauty. And I have to live among it with envious eyes. Not because I want to be beautiful. But because I wanted a better chance at having a good life.

    I liked myself until people gave me reasons to hate myself. Im not changing anything about me. I shouldnt have to. I lost 114lbs. I thought that meant everything to me to acheive that. It was one of the biggest miscalculations of my life. The only thing I was trying to achieve by walking on a treadmill 45 mins a day was trying to shed the hatred and venom that was spewed at me for years. Trying to acheive societies standards. Yeah I became more physically attractive, but it didnt put a dent into my depression. Nothing I would ever see in the mirror would be good enough for this world. And I realized Id never find the true me again. I spent too many years killing the rest of myself trying to create someone society would accept. I tried bleaching my skin to have brighter skin. To be white. Tried every weight loss scam there is online. Put chemicals in my hair, made my scalp feel like I set it on fire. Counting calories like I was Jenny Craig. Buying ridiculously priced clothing that weren't anymore fashionable than a shirt you can buy at Wal-mart for 15 bucks. I laugh sometimes when I think about all the money I wasted on jewelry. Buying $200 pairs of shoes. Just so I could feel like I was like everyone else. Just so I could hide whatever people saw, said, and tortured me over. I would have to spent my entire life trying to be accepted. Why would I spend a dime trying to change myself anymore? It wouldnt be for myself. I wonder do people exert so much into changing themsleves actually for themselves or to be accepted in the eyes of others, or for a job in a certain industry. Id love me if the world didn't tell my why to hate myself. That being a short, overweight, black, deemed unttractive man in America is perhaps the worse card you can draw from the gene pool.

    Sand, I do think that ones perception of themselves has alot to do with depression. Not just how they view themselves physically, but personally, and intellectually as well. Ive read too many threads with people convinced theyre unattractive. And for whatever reason theyre brought to that conclusion, it is how they truly feel about themselves and is something that is affecting their quality of life. Your right, depression is way more complex than someone feeling theyre ugly. The problem usually isnt that they are, its whatever they went through or experienced to get there.

    EoR, I feel ok. My gripe is never about the past anymore, just the present. Just taking it one day at a time and continuously searching inside myself. Repairing the mind. Reclaiming my soul. I was compelled to type this thread cos I read a thread by this 8th grader talking about how he lost his self esteem because he wasnt considered hot and he was jealous of his hot friends, and well, I guess it sparked a certain amount of fury inside me because, it breaks my heart to see a 8th grader posting on a Depression board and me not being able to say anything encouraging. It just shouldnt be that way for someone so young. Id be a hypocrite trying to give someone the, "its the inside that counts" speech.

    People look at me and they see flaws. Thats the only thing people will ever see of me, thats the tragedy. Noone, and I mean noone will ever know anything pass what they can see with their own two eyes. Im not eye candy, but I'm just as sweet or even sweeter. In my 12 grade yearbook the statement underneath where my picture was suppose to be read, "You'll never know or see me with your naked eyes, but if you watch me and get to know me from the heart, you will see the truth in me and anyone else, and youll see something im blind to forever."

    I never went to get my yearbook picture taken. I was the only one in my class that didn't. The only thing you see above my name and words, is a shadow that is unavailable.

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 07:17 PM   #10
    Man Apart
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Oh by the way. My flight is in September.

    Mother is going with me to help my anxiety. So is a bottle of clonazepam.

    Had to pay a little more than I expected cos my unused tickets lost value.

    Bought round trip for both of us. Going there for a week.

    I told her I was planning to move out soon. I havent told her yet that, I may not be coming back home.

     
    Old 05-17-2005, 08:42 PM   #11
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    ManApart,

    Once again you have grabbed my attention......reading/feeling each and every one of your expressive and touching words. I feel like an addict.

    However...after reading your last post I'm now feeling like the blonde I just recently paid my hairdresser to turn me into!! Whoa...did I miss something? What trip....where are you going? I sure as heck hope it's somewhere with an internet connection....I would hate to imagine life without your deep and honest imput!!

    None-the-less....I hope you have a most pleasant time and can accomplish what you are setting out to do. Perhaps you will find some much deserved peace. I hold that in my sincerest hopes.

    Just wanted to say hi and once again send my best......

    mj

     
    Old 05-18-2005, 08:42 PM   #12
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Hey Macjuls, how've you been? How is your blonde ambition working out for you? I bet you look great. They do say blondes have all the fun. Maybe it will ring true for you.

    I'm rebooking a flight to the Philippines I planned since May last year. The is my 4th time rebooking it. I haven't been able to go thus far because of severe anxiety and panic attacks that escalate as the date of my departure gets closer. So by the time I'm a week away from take off my anxiety has amplified to the point where I can't even function. The worst one I had was last November. I was 6 hours away from my flight and you would have thought I was being attacked by an invisible monster. It was violent. I was vomiting, shaking. I tried packing my clothes and even my socks felt as heavy as bricks. Like something physically pressing against my efforts. But nothing was there. It was all in my mind. And it left me devastated and even more convinced of how severely ill I am mentally. Basically, I'm just screwed up.

    I'm going to see someone. Someone who actually believes I'm worth a darn and willing to prove it to me. She doesn't have to prove much. I'll feel it in the tightness of her hug.

    Yeah they have internet cafe's there. I told myself I'd go there just to see how I feel there living on a Island near a beach. I don't know though. Everything inside me makes me feel like Ill be a fish out of water. But if I can find peace there. Ill stay. I got alot saved up. Thats the only good thing about not having a life. I never go anywhere so I save half of what I make each week. Id have a lot of pesos. lol. I'd probably buy some land and open up my own little internet cafe. I dunno. Too far ahead to even think about. Gotta get on the plane first.

    Hope you continue to get better MJ. Always take care.

     
    Old 05-18-2005, 09:10 PM   #13
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Rod, if I have to fly down there, hit you with a tranquilizer dart, and put you on that plane, I will. GO ROD GO !!!!!!! You cam do it!!!!!!!!!

     
    Old 05-19-2005, 01:18 AM   #14
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rfus
    Rod, if I have to fly down there, hit you with a tranquilizer dart, and put you on that plane, I will. GO ROD GO !!!!!!! You cam do it!!!!!!!!!
    Funny. lol. My mom said the same thing. She doesn't know or understand anything about my mental health. I tell her I had a panic attack, she tells me "then don't panic." lol. Shes going with me and she told me if before the flight I start going exorcist on her, shes going to shoot me with a tranquilizer, cage me and ask them to put me in cargo.

    I told her sure, whatever it takes.

     
    Old 05-19-2005, 04:29 AM   #15
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    Re: "Ugly" is Depression

    Wow! You are some wonderful writer. You are very talented. I read every word that you wrote and I do not often do that when the post is a long one. It's a real shame that childhood experiences have so colored your life. I have lived through some of the same things you did. I was bullied when I was a child, because I was small and shy. Have you noticed that a bully, by themselves will not bother you. They need an audience to show off how tough they are. Usually they pick on someone with low self esteem and they know or feel won't fight back and will just take it. You were picked on because they sensed your weakness. They knew they could attack you and you would just put up with it. I'd love to read your thoughts of what you believe the need is for someone to be a bully. I think they are lacking something to have to resort to doing negative things for attention, and their friends are no better, they just follow their leader.

    You seem to have above average intelligence. From what I read you suffer from extreme mood swings. Have you tried any meds for depression &/or anxiety? They do help.

    I suffered lifelong depression and low self esteem. I had an inferiority complex. I never felt worthy. I never felt like I fit in. For one thing I was more serious and less childish than other kids. I felt uninteresting and I didn't really like myself. I never felt comfortable in social situations. I could talk to someone on a one to one basis only. That was then.

    A few years ago, I developed pulsatile tinnitus (heart beat noise in my ear) and went to an ent doctor for help. I got several tests done and they could find no cause, so they washed their hands of me. I was told to just live with it. Needless to say, I couldn't so I suffered a sort of nerve breakdown. I felt weak, I slurred my speach, my legs felt like lead, I had trouble taking deep breaths, etc.. I ended up seeing my GP who had me put immediately in the hospital to see if I had a stroke. I didn't, it was panic attack and depression that was my downfall. Luckilly, I had a meeting with a nurse practitioner who diagnosed it correctly as depression and told me to go back to my GP for meds that would help me. I did and I received a prescription for effexor xr (anti-depression capsule) & clonazepam (anti-anxiety tablet). Those meds have worked beautifully for me. I take the minimum dose of both. My depression has disappeared. I no longer suffer any anxiety. Also, the meds
    have rid me of my tinnitus noise for 80 to 90% of each day.

    Because of the meds, I have now made friends. I feel like I'm just as interesting or uninteresting as everyone else and I enjoy meeting new people. I came out of my shell, so to speak. I'm 51 now, perimenopausal and finally content with who I am. I'm a worthwhile person and so are you!

    Last edited by lucylane; 05-19-2005 at 04:43 AM.

     
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