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  • I just... just...I don't know.

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    Old 07-27-2005, 10:55 AM   #1
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    I just... just...I don't know.

    I feel so bad posting my own thread, as I've been of little use to anyone around here lately, and I don't feel like I am in any position to ask for help and support when I haven't even been able to find the strength in myself lately to help and support others. It's not for lack of wanting to, I just keep drawing blanks.... I can never find the right words anymore. And... I'm so sorry for that.... I do care. Coming to this board and helping others was something that made *me* feel better, and I can't even manage that right now, pathetically.

    *Sigh* I'm a mess. I can't begin to explain my overwhelming sadness. <Sad laugh.> It's so hard to explain, that I've erased and re-typed this paragraph about 7 times. I really don't even know what I'm trying to say. I just... I guess... I'm hoping somebbody might understand me. Sometimes, I feel so alone in my depression--even here, because it seems like *most* people on this forum can pinpoint their depression. There's loss, disease, poverty, low esteem, stress, pressure, bullies, difficult partners, etc. It seems like the great majority can say, "I know why I'm depressed." I don't have a reason, which, in a way, makes it harder for me. It's frustrating as all hell to know I have just about everything I ever wanted, I have EVERY FREAKIN' REASON to be happy and greatful, and that I still feel like this every day, regardless....

    The logical thing to do, would be to get help. I know that. I obviously have something chemical going on in my brain that can be treated somehow. The thing is, is that I tried that, and it failed big time...and now I'm scared. When I last went to the doctor for help, I couldn't believe his indifference. Before that experience, he seemed like such a nice, genuinely caring guy--but when I walked into his office near tears, finally brave enough to seek help, he was rushed, unconcerned, and... just...I don't know... dismissive, I suppose. I thought he'd be a little more compassionate and understanding knowing that I had come to him with the complaint of depression. Instead, he asked about 3 questions, hastily wrote a prescription for Lexapro, and practically pushed me out the door. I cried once I reached my car. The Lexapro did not work out. It made me: sleepy, dizzy, cranky, numb, out of sorts, sleepless, and it gave me tachycardia (rapid heart beat), but it did not make me well. I missed work because of it. I was a horrible mother. I even became very suicidal at one point. I did NOT like it at all. At my 3 week mark on the Lex, I saw the doctor and I TOLD him how the Lexapro made me feel. He asked, "Does the rapid heart beat bother you," and I said no. Despite EVERYTHING else, he told me to continue with the Lexapro, because I didn't mind my heart beating fast. Well, doctor knows best, right? So, I continued with 3 more weeks on that awful course, losing more sleeping, missing more work, being monster mommy. When at 6 weeks the Lex was doing nothing but making me miserable, I quit cold turkey. I was afraid to go back to the doctor for fear he'd make me continue, or that he'd make me start taking something even worse. And... since then, I haven't really known where to turn or what to do. I have been trying herbs, minerals, vitamins... but I haven't really stuck to a strict regimen. I'm not sure what works, what doesn't. Some days *are* better than others, but I haven't figured out what to attribute that to. I should change doctors... I should get therapy. The thing is, where's the time? I work 9-6, Monday-Friday. I have 2 young kids to watch during the day, while working. Where do I squeeze in my mental health?

    What I do know, is that I'm sad... so, so, so sad. I cry nearly every day, and if I don't cry, it's because I'm so incredibly morose, that I can't cry. It's a despair too overwhelming for tears. I sigh a lot. I run my hands down the sides of my face and ask out loud, "What is wrong with me? WHAT is WRONG with me?" I continually fool myself with promises that tomorrow will be a better day. I just want out. Make it stop. Make it go away... Tell me what to do, and I'll do it. Tell me how I can be happy again. Please, help me. I'm so close to losing it. One of these days, I'm going to round the corner at just the wrong angle, and I'm going to drive right off the cliff (metaphorically, of course.) I'm afraid. My mother was bi-polar. I say "was", not because she became well, but because she killed herself when I was 4. I'm terrified that I'll someday go down her path. My mother is somebody an outsider would say was honestly crazy. My siblings and father have told me terrifying stories about her--from her setting fires in the living room, to her throwing my mentally handicapped sister outside in the snow naked. From her pitching tents in the house and living in them, to nourishing herself with only milk for weeks. From her being a zombie on lithium to her beating my sister within inches of her life. How does a person even get to that point, and how is it they're not aware of their actions? Does one wake up one day with no concept of self? Am I destined for this type of fate? I feel like I'm slipping. There are days I honestly am not sure of who I am, anymore, and my boyfriend has even told me that he has days where he feels like he doesn't know me--and that frightens me.

    I guess that's it. I don't really have more to say. I just needed some kind of release. I appreciate the outlet.

    ~Even an Eeyore needs a hug.~ (Hug Me Eeyore)

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    Old 07-27-2005, 11:48 AM   #2
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    EoR, find another Doctor, immediately! In this day and age there is simply no reason why anyone should have to suffer like you do. Lexapro didn't work? Then try another! Pamelor didn't work for me. It left me dizzy and disoriented. Zoloft was my magic bullet.

    Get to a doctor ASAP kiddo, you don't have to feel this way!
    It can get better!

    Old 07-27-2005, 12:49 PM   #3
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    Bob is right EoR. I hate to see you suffering like this. Switch meds and don't let that doctor give you any more crap. Given your family history, some malicious genetics may be out to get you. I know you said you do not seem to have the time to treat your mental illness, but if you don't make the time you know everything just goes to ******.

    You are the eye of the depression storm for many on these boards and I, for one, really enjoy your posts! Take care EoR.

    Old 07-27-2005, 01:07 PM   #4
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    I feel the same fyi! I have no reason for my depression. It just happened one day about 5 months ago and everyday has been crying, sighing **** since then. I can't remember the last time I genuinely laughed. My boyfriend has been completely ostrisized & now he's moving on with friends and school and I feel like Im stuck down in a hole while he leaves me behind, but I caused it. Anyway, this makes you do alot of stupid things. But I do feel the way you do. I used to be so, so happy & I don't know what happened or why...
    I'm here if you need to talk...

    Old 07-27-2005, 01:15 PM   #5
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    EoR, I am fairly new to this board but I was drawn to read your post. I was diagnosed with major depression and like you, there was no apparent reason. In fact, I had gotten a 4.0 in college that semester. I also encourage you to seek another doctor. You must have vacation or personal time that you can make an appt during the day. I found that Zoloft works well for me. I get bad though when I am feeling good, I forget to take it. I have recommitted to taking it every day. I've been where you are (w/out kids though). But I want you to know that there is so much out there to be happy about. Once your brain is regulated, you will feel so much better, I promise. This past year has been so positive for me, despite being dx with MS and finding out my sister has breast cancer. Without my meds, I very easily could have slid back down into the depths. Please consider finding another doc. Talk to people for referrals or seek a female, sometimes they are a little more understanding. Let us know. Julie

    Old 07-27-2005, 06:10 PM   #6
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    Hi EoR Sweetie
    I am sooooo sorry! I don't want you to hurt. I didn't know that's what that stupid, self centered, self serving....OH that makes me so angry! Why didn't you tell me earlier that your doctor treated you with disrespect. Sweetie, it's like John said in another thread. He works for you! Fire him! There are some @$$ of doctor's out there. I have been to some of them. There are also some very good ones too. Is that what you want to do? Do you want to try meds? You know how I feel about meds. I think it is your decision. I won't push meds on anyone. I guess because of the horrible experience I have had with Effexor. If you decide to give it a try, find another doctor. He shouldn't have told you to put up with the tachycardia. I am appauled. He is a disgrace. There are some really good Psychiatrists out there. I have seen them...really I have. No joking! It may take several meds to see what is right for you. You can take enough of time off of work to see a psychiatrist. When was the last time you had a physical? I know you were sick with bronchitis and you wouldn't go to the doctor then. You may need to get a blood test and see if your thyroid is causing your problems. You need to ask for help from a professional. I would start with a really good physical. Tell the doctor what you are going through. You are always tired and you were sick for a long time. I would be honest and tell him/her the truth. Tell them your family history. Tell them you want to make sure it isn't anything physically wrong with you and then if that comes back negative, you can try another med.

    I guess I am going to have to come out there and take care of you. If that were possible, I would. I would do anything to help you.

    Please let me know how you are doing. You don't have to be supportive every time you come to the boards. It's your health and if you need to get all of it out here, then by all means....PLEASE DO!

    I love you, EoR! Let me know what you think.

    Many warm hugs,

    Old 07-27-2005, 06:28 PM   #7
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    EoR i was very relieved to see you had posted because i had been thinking about you lots. But then i wish you were not having a bad time of it. i really do wish that.

    I'm not too good at the advice bit on here, but it seems like the comments you have received make a lot of sense.

    i'm sorry i'm not offering you anything more practical. But i hate seeing someone who has been so amazingly kind to me suffering. i hope my sincerity comes across. You deserve the absolute best that is out there to help you.

    You need to concentrate on yourself too. we're all here for you, whenever and whatever it is!

    You don't have to be supportive every time you come to the boards. It's your health
    exactly! Please beleive this!

    i hope you can let us know how things are going.

    Please please take care of yourself.


    Old 07-28-2005, 12:17 AM   #8
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    Hi there EoR, I've looked for you arround too, poor poor soul to have to go through a time like that. I think the major consensus here coincides with my own oppinion: GO SEE SOMEONE COMPETANT AND GO SOON as soon as you can do it. Lexapro is obviously not what you should be on, but if your depression is chemical based then there's obviously something out there that could work for you. Try researching into different types of drugs so you can tell a doctor if there's one that seems to suit you more than others etc. big big hugs when you're feeling low. Love flinch. xxx

    Old 07-28-2005, 05:58 AM   #9
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    Hey EoR, My heart breaks for you. You are supportive to this board, just by letting other people know they are not alone. I'm just glad that you are still reaching out, and not withdrawing. Talking always helps. I definitely agree that you should seek a new doctor, asap. All medications have side effects, and to my amazement, I've learned that some actually can cause depression. My grandfather committed suicide, and my mother suffers now with depression and panic disorders, so naturally you feel doomed. Don't give in to it. The mind is a powerful thing, and you can overcome anything you set your mind too. I suffered with major depression when i divorced from an abusive husband, and was left alone with nothing, and i mean NOTHING, and I had a small child to care for. My ex stalked me for four years after I left, and I can't even describe the fear. I made it with no meds, but lots of counseling and talking to people just like you. Keep your chin up. Keep searching for a good doctor. If he/she doesn't have time to listen to you, then you don't have time to pay his/her bills. Hang in there honey. I'll keep ya in my prayers.

    Old 07-28-2005, 06:38 AM   #10
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    I thought I had no reason for my depression until I went to a therapist who specialise in cognitive behavioral therapy and she made me understand what had caused it, right back in my childhood, and helped me work out ways that would suit me to combat it. It really helped and I am fine now. Anytime I feel sad I remember the methods she taught me to make it go away. Good luck

    Old 07-28-2005, 08:23 AM   #11
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    Unhappy Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    EoR. Andrea. My friend. Before I started typing a reply I put my hands over my face cos all I could do was cry. All I could offer you was my tears. I really care about. I hope you know that. They say the blind can't lead the blind. Well I'm blind. I know. But I want you to take my hand anyway. I don't know if anything I can ever say will help. The tragedy of this is this is all I am. Just words. I wish I could sit and talk with you, go with you on your appointments, and be a crutch and give you moral support.

    Just like everyone else, we all here in unison are heartbroken. Because your such a angel Andrea. Someone so beautiful inside and out should not be so sad. I look up to you and others on this board. And right now I just wish I could take away whatever is tormenting you. I swear to God I wish every soul on this board could line up and just dump every ounce of their sadness into my head until It swells up and I would just go somewhere and die. Why is this happening to us.....

    I draw blanks too. Cos where all blind. Sharing in darkness. I don't know if the right words even exist. Is there a combination of words I can type that could save just one of us. Highly unlikely. Theres a source. Theres always a source. And quite frankly in your case it could very well be genetic. In my case we all know it could anything from genetic to childhood abuse, to low self image. I would imagine to me that happiness is a state of being internally. It can't come in any shape or form. It can't come from a person or a child or money, or anything material. Not even a better enviroment because even now since Ive moved from my parents home Ive gotten even worse. But all of those factors can help and assist but none of them can give you happiness. There are people with everything that end up blowing their brains out and people with nothing that are so happy and content with just being alive. You'll be happy if I have, when I get, when I move, if I do this, that, there. No. I can't say that you'll ever acheive happiness. But I will say you will feel alot better when you get the proper treatment you deserve and need. I am the perfect example of someone who waited 4 years stubbornly before I first walked through a Psychiatrist office and told them, Im depressed. I did not believe in pills and I did not believe in psychiatry. If only i could go back and save myself earlier. I waited too late. But Im still alive and Im still giving my all. So really its never too late, but the more you go untreated, the worse it will become. It will consume you. It assimilates your personality, your emotions, your thoughts, your feelings, your mood, your health, the way you talk and treat others, the way you take care of yourself. And slowly it assimilates your entire life to the point that you don't ever know who you are anymore and people you love can't even recognize you.

    It is IMPERATIVE that you get treated and get all the help you can get for yourself right now. One of the worst things about having poor mental health is that it is such a severe and growing problem in our country, yet it still has this negative passive stigma attached to it and doctors seem to just treat it like a cold. You can't see it on a X-ray. Its not cancer, and its not immediately life threatening. But its just as dreadful. They throw pills at you like candy and tell you come back in 6 weeks. But there are good doctors out there. I found one and you can too. There are people who understand and care and who are comppasionate about treating mental health. But unfortunately you have just as many uncaring Doctors who bring their own personal beliefs and bias into their offices.

    Would it be too much to ask for you to stop everything right now. Admit yourself into a hospital. Get into a group program. Talk to a counsellor regularly and maybe start you off on a mild anti depressant. Just take 3 weeks or so off and just concentrate on your mental health. Because if you don't treat this as the devestating illness it is then it will continue to relentlessly drag you deeper and deeper into a endless void of misery. It may be the biggest stand you ever make in your life. Please don't think YOU failed at getting yourself help and treated. NO. The doctor failed you. Doctors have failed many of us. Ive had over 15 of them in the last 6 years. You did not fail. You cannot fail when you try at something. There is nothing to be afraid of. They are there to help you. You control what you take and if you are responding well to it. If not, you disregard it, exlain it to them and move on until you find the right thing for you. One anti depressant isnt for everyone. And if you need someone there with you to be a more stern and frank prescene in the office, consider taking your husband or a friend and make you get what you want out of the appointment and not be rushed or feel overlooked. If your doctor seems uncompassionate to your needs, you can either explain that to him or simply move on to someone else.

    Lexapro(cringe). I did not agree with Lexapro and it did not agree with me. I took it once and thats all it took. Later that night I was sick as a dog and vomiting. Ive taking eeeeeeeeeverything. And the only thing I could bear taking regularly was Prozac and Paxil. Paxil seemed to have helped the most but made me gain weight. Prozac is what Im currently taking, and it helps moderately.

    Please don't blame yourself for this. Don't blame yourself for your actions or change in behavior. Andrea you know you are emotionally influenced by this illness. It does causes you to be suicidal and short fused and easily agitated but you know deep down your not a terrible mother. I don't even have to tell you that. Your a remarkable human being. Period.

    Go back to your doctor, tell him, Lexapro did not work for me, I had too many side effects, it did not improve my mental health, we are going to discontinue use of it and try something else, maybe a little more mild or a different class of drug. Change doctors if you have to, therapy is essential as well, and it would help to join a group like I did. It saved my life. You must exhaust every option because ultimately you are fighting for your life. Study yourself, your patterns your swings, the things that ignite your depression. Research different things. Find time. Find time. Find time. Please. For you. For you Andrea. Because if you continue to deteriorate and lose it, your job, your relationship, everything, there wont be time for anything anymore. Upon one of my earlier suicide attempts I admitted myself into a hospital and was able to keep my job under a sick leave and was protected from being fired. None of my mental health record were released to my employer or anything. The company was sent a note from my hospital and I was able to resume working 3 weeks later. Drop everything and just help yourself hun. Just do it. Talk to your husband and tell him you need time. Fully commit yourself. Once you do that then you will be on the road to feeling better. This is not a illness you can treat half speed.

    My God reading that last paragraph is so painful. I can feel your desperation. <crying>. I was there. I am there in some ways but, I know exactly where you are and I just want you to know you can survive. Im not the best example. Don't ever use me as a example because I have self inflicted most of my own wounds with my unrelenting jealousy and envy of others. My own selfish blood thirsty crave for beauty. If Im Frankenstein, then Im also Dr. Frakenstein as well. I created my own monster and i continue to. Im lost. I don't even really know if I want to be found. Theres nothing inside me that connects me to life. Im just breathing air in and out. That is all my life is right now. And Roselyn is the only reason Im still breathing.

    Andrea stay with us. Please. Stay with us. I need you. You hear me? Yes, I need you. I don't want to lose you. Get help now. Drop the kids off at a friends or with your boyfriend, write your bf a note and go to the hospital and just get as much help as you can thats available to you. Please hang in there. Fight it. Sometimes, somedays, it comes down to just will. You have to bite your lip, clench your fist, close your eyes hard and just fight it. 12 years ive been hanging off a string. And If the string breaks so be it but im not letting go. Please hold on.

    I'll get on that plane. You hear me? I promise Ill get on that plane. Ill do it for you. Ill do it for everyone here. For myself and most importantly for Rose. Ill do it. We can't let it win. I need you and I love you my friend. I knew something was wrong because you were so quiet. Your mother has nothing to do with your destiny. Nothing in your past does. You have everything to do with tomorrow. I hope you read this today or sometime soon. I wanted to thank you for shooting me with a bazooka in my thread. You were right about everything. It helped me alot. Your so right I couldnt do anything but look down in shame. Your right, she does love me, I have something to live for and Im getting on that plane if it kills me. But there are other things I wanted to express and I will later.

    If you need me to refresh your memory of who you are ill tell you. Andrea. Your a woman who helped me realized that I belong and I am worth loving. Andrea. Your a amazing woman. Andrea. You have a heart the size of the moon and so much compassion and kindness for others. Andrea. Selfless in every aspect of the word. Andrea. A great mother and your boyfriend is a very lucky man to have you. Andrea. Your a wonderful person inside and out. Andrea. Someone I love and care about. Andrea. Someone Ill probably never meet in person, but will always have a place in my heart.

    (Im sorry I threw your name around, but I just wanted to make a emphasis on you.)

    Ill be here....... Take care.

    Last edited by Man Apart; 07-28-2005 at 12:03 PM.

    Old 07-28-2005, 09:55 AM   #12
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    EoR... Look at all these responses to your cry... Please come back to us, read our words, take the hands offered you so sincerely... EoR, dear, here is my two insignificant cents... Yes, many here can pinpoint their depression (this doesn't necessarily mean they are right)... I often had the same thought: is there really a particular REASON I'm like that? I can offer an array of legitimate reasons, but I no longer believe they are reasons for depression, nor are they excuses... I have said that to Sam here before... it feels like something inside is wired wrong, like something alien to our rational soul speaks out and takes over and permeates me with sadness... Like you, dear, I ask myself out loud, the very same words, "What is WRONG with me?" We have a need to rationalize... to analyze... defeat the pain with our analytical thinking... and when we can't, we feel helpless... then we need an emotional cure... or a spiritual one... a hug... a conversation... Those are luxuries many of us don't have, except for here on the board...

    EoR, in addition to the wise advice of the old-timers here, who've traversed the mine field of therapy and medications, I want to ask you this. Say new words to yourself out loud... They may not come out as naturally as, 'What's wrong with me?' but you must speak them and internalize them... Say words like, 'I'll be okay. I'll get through this. I'll find a way to help myself." And then look for this way. Look for another doctor, yes, but also look for something around you that will give you even a moment of peace and wonder... look at the flowers in the store... that's what I do, just look closely at a flower... something like that, something that's detached from you, that just is, pure and silent... Something that will put your pain in suspence and enchant you. Give those moments as gifts to yourself.

    EoR, I'm a mother, too... I also have two souls for whom I must keep living, and when all my strength is gone, my sense of duty still lingers, reminding me this simple truth... I can't leave these children with a horrific legacy of their mommy giving up and deserting them... You are NOT like your mother; you ARE sane, and loving, and... sad. Your two birds need you.

    And we need you here, too.
    Hugs and love,

    P.S. Rod... much love to you, too.

    Old 07-28-2005, 06:09 PM   #13
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    Hi EoR
    We are all rooting for you. We all want you to get help so you will get better. Please take good care of yourself and call to make an appointment with a doctor. Rod is right...the longer you put off treatment the longer it takes to feel better. I have experienced that for myself. I kept telling myself that there was no use in going to the doctor...he wouldn't help me. The depression takes a hold on you and tells you all of these lies. I wasted so much time feeling miserable when I could have been on a road to getting better. I have been there and so has Rod. We are just wanting what is best for you sweetie.

    Much love and many hugs,

    Old 07-28-2005, 08:24 PM   #14
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    Welcome back EoR,


    I tell you now I have not forgotten you. I sensed like others that something was wrong and prayed harder every day for your return here. Listen dear. You are amazing and are so many things. Good mother, good girlfriend, neighbor and good friend and helper to so many here. That is a tremendous heavy responsibility being so good at being all those things to so many. Now maybe itís not a bad idea to be something for you too. "Your turn!"

    As our great friend Sam notes I am pretty vocal at times about my views of bad docs and hospitals. Keep going until you find good ones. I wont analyze anything that is happening to you or the causes of your feelings. They are nothing to feel ashamed of but it may be the time for you to find a way of controlling it not it controlling you. I agree with everyoneís comments here and everyone here fills me with so much hope for you and this world! Rod was right about a very good point too. Some docs and hospitals donít have any interest unless you come in with limb missing or in a strait jacket. They honestly donít know how it feels any more than you know my medical pains or symptoms. Well now itís time for you to be a little more aggressive with the next doc. Tell him you want to be tested for things that could be physical too if you havenít already. ITíS IMPORTANT! You concern yourself of genetics and it being in you. Sweetie take it from me, you will never know for sure what caused your moms illness. It may be genetic but it doesnít have to be your same fate no matter what it is. If itís tough to get doctors to take you serious in 2005 what do you think they did to your mom back then? I know an 89 year old sweet woman. Years ago when she was a teen she had trouble coping. She was institutionalized because of her uncontrollable feelings and mood swings. She also had heart palpitations that they thought were made up or self induced from anxiety. Thankfully years later they discovered thyroid disorders and how they controlled hormones and moods. I also knew a girl with three little ones in her mid 20s. Someone noticed she started cutting and later they found out she had some female problems that had developed after the last child was born. I can keep going. I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS WHATíS WRONG WITH YOU! I am saying that a good doctor or psychologist should be able to listen and if they had any concern would order testing to rule everything out or to get a proper diagnoses. To get back to the most important part dear. The genetic question. Many know I am facing some pretty nasty health issues. These issues may have been genetic and lead to my motherís unexplained young fate as well. I for some reason never had children of my own. Yet I go for treatments, I drove 1,400 miles in a snowstorm to volunteer to be a guinea pig for a small study. I never give up because I am more concerned about my example to my nieces, nephews and cousins kids. 18 of which are my Godchildren. To help them know the right tests to have done and right doctors to see if God forbid any of them should find this genetically. You should feel the same way for your kids if you think there is a possibility. Donít you give up either EoR!!! Stay with us here and do it! We all love you and want you to feel better again too O.K?

    You are always in my prayers as well.

    God Bless

    Last edited by Johnster; 07-28-2005 at 08:25 PM.

    Old 07-29-2005, 07:30 AM   #15
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    Re: I just... just...I don't know.

    lousy at advice EoR so just sending you all my love and prayers. You're much loved here, please stay with us and tell us how things go. Your friend Teresa

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