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  • Sever Depression [Warning: Very long]

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    Old 09-13-2005, 10:18 PM   #1
    veryworriedguy2's Avatar
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    Sever Depression [Warning: Very long]

    I apologize in advance because this is going to be a very long post with a lot of background information but I hope I don’t annoy anyone but I really need to talk and really have no one to talk to.

    My family has always been very poor and we have had numerous difficulties with money and have lost our house several times, but I was always very happy and energetic as a child and I made friends very easily and enjoyed life because I knew I was loved by my family and friends. I always did quite well in school.

    When I was thirteen just entering high school this all changed, finally my father had gotten a stable job with a middle class income and we were doing quite well financially for the first time in my memory but for some reason my father was not content with this. He quit his job along with one of his colleagues and took out a sizable loan against our home in order to start their own business. In only a few months he failed miserably, we lost our home and fell further into debt. My father took loans from virtually every relative we have, my mother took on a full time job and we were able to move again into an older home. After this for the next two years my father was in a state of depression and refused to get a job, the whole burden fell to my mother and because of her labor intensive job she soon developed sciatica in her spine and rheumatoid arthritis in her joints. My father had never treated my mother properly, in fact he treats her like a slave and she does pretty much everything for him, he does absolutely nothing around the house and since he was no longer working we were falling further and further into debt.

    This is where things started going wrong for me, seeing my mothers struggle to support me, my sister and my father all on her own I felt obligated to help, now in grade eleven of high school I made the decision (with urging from my father) to drop out and work full time. I kept this up for a year until my father was finally forced by further accumulating debt to begin working once again.

    In the course of that year I began showing symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis from my mother and was diagnosed with it part way through, as well as prostatitis and horrible acne. Not only was I in great pain from those but as I was working 70 hours a week with almost no physical activity I became horribly out of shape.

    At this point I was feeling horrible about myself, I had no self confidence, no education, no determination and my family was a complete mess. After dropping out of school I lost contact with my friends, they all went off to college or university and I was too busy to keep in touch. This is when I met the girl I thought to spend the rest of my life with.

    She made me feel better about myself and made me feel loved again, I continued to work full time to help ease the burden on my mother but I also began saving as did she because we had plans to move in together as soon as possible. I treated her very well, I loved her with my whole heart and I gave her everything of myself. To shorten the story a bit after about four months I found out she had cheated on me and lied to me quite a bit, but I loved her too much to blame her and she was terribly upset and kept giving me words of love and loyalty so I continued as I was. Another five months I discovered quite by accident that she had never ceased cheating with this other guy and had told me many more lies, this was more than I could take and I had to leave her.

    I am 5'11 and 120lbs, nineteen years old and look like a twelve year old in terms of body size. I have bad teeth oweing to the fact that I've never been able to afford a trip to the dentist, I have always been a very unattractive person and the acne only makes it worse, this is another thing adding to my depression.

    This is where I am now, I have finally realized what a mess I have made of my life and I feel worse about myself than I ever have before, finding out the love that brought me such happiness was just one big lie, I have wasted two years after leaving high school and am now nineteen with no high school diploma, I’m in constant physical pain from the aforementioned medical conditions and emotional pain from both the betrayal of my love and the difficulties of my family. I hate my father for how terribly he treats my mother. I am hating myself more and more everyday and I feel as if I have already wasted my life and I am only nineteen years of age, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts constantly over the past few months.

    I am determined to set this strait, I’ve started medication for my conditions, I’ve started adult education for my high school diploma and I have began trying to get back into shape and fix up my appearance a little but I feel so incredibly hopeless, no matter what everyone tells me I feel as if it is too late for me to ever go to university and get a decent career I just cannot shake the feelings of depression from all of my problems. I don’t want much from life, only to complete school, get a job sufficient to support myself and lend some help to my family at the same time. I do not think this is a lot to ask and I am willing to work as hard as I must to do this but I am so afraid of failure and so depressed that I fear it is going to cause me to fail.

    I don’t know what to do to overcome this problem and the only thing I can think of is to post here hoping for some advice.

    Thank you for your time, sorry for the long and boring post which probably didn't make sense in many places. I appreciate any help fourth-coming.

    Last edited by veryworriedguy2; 09-13-2005 at 10:42 PM.

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    Old 09-14-2005, 01:56 AM   #2
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    Re: Sever Depression [Warning: Very long]

    hi there,
    No worries about the long post, I find that a long post is better to respond to as you can get more of an idea what is going on, often when I see only a few words like 'I am depressed, please help...' I don't know what to say that might help. Your post is not boring, and I am sure it will have made you feel a little better to get a lot of those problems out on the page - no stress here please!

    I am very sorry about how rough things have been for you, it is certainly unfortunate how your Father just seemed to drop out of his responsibilities and expect you and your Mother to fill the void, it is especially terrible how you now both have problems with your health, I wonder if your father ever stops to think what damage he has caused to you all, healthwise, mentally and of course financially. In time I hope that you begin to work thru some of your problems so that you can achieve the things you want to, it sounds like you know exactly what you want but it is the waiting that is painful and thru your father the loss of your dreams. But that doesn't mean that you cannot find those dreams again, it just means that it is going to more difficult and take a lot longer to achieve them, you can find solutions to your problems and I wish you much patience and perseverence in the meantime.

    I am also very sorry to hear about what happened with your girlfriend, that must have hurt you very much and a broken heart is hard to heal, if I knew how you could get over these things over night I would be able to help a lot of people but unfortunately I don't. But I will tell you one thing, I have had my share of broken hearts but I have always gone on to learn from my mistakes and this has resulted in much better choices when it comes to a partner. Sure I have had disappointments along the way but each time I believed that the pain would never end or that I would never have love like that again, life has proved me wrong. Very wrong. That might not mean much to you now but in time I hope you will find this for yourself, the result being that you eventually find the right person for you, who has no inclination to stray anywhere else.

    Please don't say these terrible things to yourself about your appearance, if you feel unsatisfied then take whatever small steps you feel may help, for instance you mentioned exercise, maybe if you can scape a little money together buy an item of clothing that you really like and that suits you (hunt for bargains!!) You are already seeking the right medication for your health problems, try also for acne and hopefully that will settle down too. It all adds up, I really hope that it helps a little but honestly please stop being so hard on yourself, you will be the perfect man for someone out there in the world, no matter how much you don't believe it at the moment.

    Good luck to you and all the best

    Old 09-14-2005, 05:14 AM   #3
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    Re: Sever Depression [Warning: Very long]

    mate it always feels like you are the most unfortunate person alive when we get depressed but trust me take a look around at the world and other peoples problems sometimes it can be really humbling, your only nineteen you still have a body capable of getting itself in shape if you can get one girlfriend you can get another you have the ability to love and make friends i know you have had lots of problems but you sound like a strong person, beware of doctors and medication they not what they crack up to be, use what you got while you still got it all the best mate ps

    Old 09-14-2005, 06:04 AM   #4
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    Re: Sever Depression [Warning: Very long]

    I too think small steps. Change in clothes always helps when you can afford it. Just a new shirt or new pants. I find deals all over the place if I look hard enough! And an acne med for sure. Something that you can make you feel better about your appearance. EXercise too, it is good for you. Start lifting a few weights, or walking or jogging or doing a sport that you really like.

    Hope this helps and YOU ARE too hard on yourself!

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