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    Old 09-19-2005, 10:47 PM   #1
    extraflamey's Avatar
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    extraflamey HB User
    I feel like my life is falling apart....

    Hey, I'm new here. I'm Erica and I'm 19. I think I've been depressed since I was about 16 or so. I was raised with my Grandmother because my mother didn't want a child, but my mother still supported me financially. My Grandmother was always paranoid about "the outside world" and I was rarely let out, beyond to go to school and to go out with the family. I never did kid things like riding a bike or going to the beach, I was plopped in front of the tv every day and told to be quiet until dinner. In middle school, I made my first best friend and I became attached to her. But when I was 16 she moved away, and the little group of friends we had made dispersed, leaving me alone.

    Things got worse from there. I tried to make new friends. I found a group of 3 or 4 people who seemed nice enough and we got along well in school. But we had nothing in common, they all had known each other for years, and when they went out to the movies every weekend, i was not invited. I tried to talk things through with them, sharing my feelings and seeing if I was just misunderstanding. They became angry and accused me of not believeing they were my friends. So I shut down and ended up not sharing my feelings with them when they continued to go places and not invite me. I became lonely and anti-social. I buckled down and concentrated on my schoolwork, swearing I would have a better chance in college. That went on for two years, sitting at home all the time, most of my time spent reading or devoting myself to caring for my beloved dog. When college came I was overjoyed at the idea of having a new start.

    It didn't go that way though. It went well at first. I came out of my shell. I was talking to people more and more and going places with them and I generally felt happy, normal, and like I had friends. Then a rift between my friends and roommate occured, and my roommate kicked me out over it. I was moved down the hall into another room. My new roommate was quiet. I had spent weeks being chatty and happy with the old roomie and then I was shoved into a new room with a girl who barely looked at me. My friends made up with my old roomie and suddenly they were going everywhere together, without me. I turned back to my old habits, sitting alone in my room, wishing I was out with them, and pouring myself into my work.

    Things took another turn, everyone made up with each other and suddenly I had a small group of friends I really loved. We enjoyed the same things, went everywhere together, I ended up spending many nights falling asleep on the floor of their room when we would have all night marathon of our favorite shows. I was happy and loved again. But these friends had different views on college than I did. They rarely went to class, spent the days in their pajamas, and ordered take out for meals. I was terrified that if I didn't hang out with them, they wouldn't be my friends. And when I was alone thoughts of depression returned. So I would spend my days hanging out in their room, watching tv and eating take out. I lived in an expectation-free zone and never had a care in the world because i refused to let myself have one. We had a wonderful time and I was thrilled. But I rarely went to class, did everything last minute, and became overly attached to them. When they decided to drop out of college and move in together, they invited me. I was overjoyed, I said yes, and we made up all these plans about how much fun we would have and we drew up decorating plans and everything. I saw no reason to stay in college. I was undeclared, had no career interests, and that point was failing all my classes. I had came to college with the dream of one day opening my own apartment complex specifically for pet owners because I loved animals so much. However all of my professors laughed in my face and told me it was ridiculous and would never happen. I refused to let myself become upset, so I put it out of my mind and gave it up. So when spring semester ended in May, we withdrew and made plans to spend a month at home getting jobs and saving money and move into our new place by the end of June.

    But I don't have a car, nor does my Grandmother. And we live 5 miles outside of any sort of town, the buses do not come out here. Getting a job was harder than I thought. May passed, no job. June passed, no job. The best friends who had swore to call me everyday really called once every few weeks, and barely spoke 5 minutes. In those 5 minutes they raved about how they had hung out together and had so much fun and how we should hang out "soon". Soon never came. I haven't seen them since May. I'm still jobless, and now pretty much friendless too. I couldn't get back into my college, because I couldn't find a cosigner for loans and my mother makes too much for fin aid. I found a community college that will take me in spring through distance learning, but I still have no idea about career interests so i'm taking very general classes. Because I was forced to take Fall off, my student loans have started sending me notices about exit counseling and repayment.

    I don't do anything but cry anymore. I'm so lonely, I worry about my future constantly, I can't sleep at night and my eating habits go up and down. I haven't turned to any sort of self injury or considered suicide, but I don't trust myself not to at some point down the road if things don't get better. My family acts annoyed when I tell them how I feel. My mother told me therapy is only for people who've been through something like rape and that she wasn't having me put on medications because she didn't want people thinking I was some sort of self injurious freak. My whole family is insisting depression is just something thats in my head and i'm just acting like a whiny brat. They tell me "You should be happy. You have food, clothes, a house, we're letting you live here rent-free and aren't kicking you out. The children in Bosnia don't get this much. The people in Iraq don't get this much. You're being spoiled by not being happy." Its incredibly frustrating and makes me even more depressed. I feel like i'm in this cycle I can't break free from. To get help I need money, to get money I need a job, to get a job I need a car, to get a car I need money. It feels like I have no control over anything. Each day I just sit in my house doing nothing but crying. I don't even feel ready for a job. I'm so sensitive, I'm afraid the first snippy thing a customer says, I will break down crying and end up fired. And I feel so immature for feeling that way. Sometime I just think "god, what is wrong with me? Everyone else is getting jobs and degrees and lives, and i'm still at home doing nothing but dreaming".

    Sorry that ended up so long. I just needed to get it off my chest, hopefully someone out there understands or has some advice.


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    Old 09-20-2005, 08:28 AM   #2
    Join Date: Sep 2005
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    MildDepJeff HB User
    Re: I feel like my life is falling apart....

    I know what you mean about having a hard time with friends. I was homeschooled until I went to college, so I barely had any interaction with other kids. In college I started hanging out with people, but people came and went. My two really good friends moved away and I really didn't have anyone to talk to any more except my girlfriend (now wife, thank god for her, she put up with all my crap... I don't know why, but without her I would have turned out a lot worse).

    But after college I moved to get a job, and made some "friends" at the new place who really turned out not to be. I realized it before I screwed my life up too badly, but it really really burned me on people. So now I have a really hard time opening up to anyone... And what really sucks is, I finally decided to be friends with this woman at work, I felt like I could really talk to her, and she got a better job out of state. We'll try to keep in touch and all but it won't be the same, and it feels like a huge loss all over again.

    I dunno if it helps, but I'd say you sound depressed to me. I'm depressed, and it has nothing to do with the fact that I have a house, a great wife, a son, a job that pays well, etc. If possible you should talk to a Dr. or therapist. It doesn't sound like your family is being supportive.

    BTW: as far as getting a job or getting around goes, I bike 5 miles each way to and from work every day (by choice, it's good exercise and no gas money). A bicycle can be gotten for as little as $5-10 at a yard sale... Or someone in your family might have one you can use.

    Also you don't need money to get help. Check the government section of the phone book, there should be something under mental help for depression etc. I know my county has a bunch of therapists and stuff you can talk to, and since it's a govt service I think it is extremely cheap or free (I didn't bother to pursue it since I have health insurance I figured I'd leave the free stuff for people who need it).

    Old 09-21-2005, 07:21 AM   #3
    Join Date: Sep 2004
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    s1980 HB User
    Re: I feel like my life is falling apart....

    Hi there
    So sorry how things are going for you at the moment.
    Finding friends is a difficult one. I too have struggled along the way.
    At school everyone just seemed so....different. Nobody seemed to have any similar interests, the things the other kids seemed to talk about somehow sounded dumb to me, I was more like an adult in a kid's body. I was (still am at times) the instantly forgettable person, average in all I ever said or did - total blend into the background. I really struggled with this for a long time, I had terrible times with depression.

    I didn't know what I wanted to do for a job so I just kind of bounced to job to job for a while, I am a good worker, the companies were always happy with me but I always got bored and fed up with all the Mcjobs.

    I wanted to travel. To go round the world, seeing new places, experiencing new things, meeting all kinds of people, it was my dream. I waited a while to find like-minded people who would want to go with me but I never did find them.

    At 18 I figured I'd waited enough and so I saved up as much as I could from another Mcjob and then I flew to Australia. I was 2 years out there. The most incredible 2 years of my life, I experienced so much, I met so many incredible people, saw so many awesome sights, I was awfully poor - I was living in a tent for most of it! - lil' me living in a tent and working in some roadhouse somewhere!!! I still can't believe it sometimes.

    My point is, you don't have to wait for your life to get better.
    You can take hold of it yourself, go seek the help you need, if you are feeling this bad, go see a Doctor, your Mother may not want that but then many people don't understand that Depression is not something that you can just change at will. It is an illness, you must seek treatment. If you don't you aren't going to get any better and surely your Mother would not want you to suffer under an illness. It is your life, your feelings.

    As for friends, they are supposed to be a blessing in life, not something that causes you pain and worry, the ones that hurt you come and go. You will find friends in your life, true friends and they will make you feel happy but they are not what makes your life - YOU are what makes your life. Find your dreams again, don't be ashamed of them, you have time on your side, take small steps along the way and you will soon find that things aren't as hopeless as they seem and you too can begin to work for the things you want in life. Hang on, it seems bad now, but it does get better, believe me.

    all the best

    Old 03-06-2011, 06:23 PM   #4
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    Smile Re: I feel like my life is falling apart....

    Dear Erica,
    Hello, you posted that your life was falling apart in 2005 at age 19, you must now be about 25. I hope things have gotten better for you, I wanted you to know that your life very much mirrors mine and I am 31, today. I had a very similar childhood where my mother didnt want me and I grew up with my grandparents who didnt allow me to go any-ware or do anything. When I was 16 my grandfather died leaving a small business and a house, that needed tons of repair. My grandmother and I struggled and ended up with the economy loosing everything we had. My grandmother always blamed me, as for friends, I never really had any and always felt alone, I would spend hours in my room or in the bathroom locked away crying, hoping that I would die and be free of this misrable life. I graduated on year later and after 6-7 months of looking for work, I found a job in a factory but its always been the same. I am on time for anything, I failed in school misrably and am failing now as well. On top of struggling with depression I also have a eating disorder that has pretty much consumed me. My point is I dont know where you are in life but you must get help. I have decided to seek counceling and medical help, you have depression and if you dont get help it will never get better, only worse, I know I tried committing suicide three times, I ended up in the hospital once. My grandmother was always blind to me, she said the same things, you have food, water, cloths and a roof over your head. That should be enough other children in other countries dont have that. Well you know what Erica, you, me and others didnt grow up in those countries, and what matters is whats happening to us, and to others like us and believe me theirs of us to go around. Only we always keep quiet, because were told to, or were to ashamed to speak up. And when we do no one hears us anyway. But you have to stand for yourself, look at yourself and realize you are worth it. No matter what you look like, your age or background you deserve to be happy. Focus on your life, do not feel guilty about your mother or grandmother what happened to you is not your fault! You will have to stand up to them if you are to live. And that will be the most scariest part of your life. And realize good friends will come in time, when your not looking for them. First step is to realize that you need to get out of that negative, horrible enviroment in which you live, find a job work at McDonalds what ever it takes, save money and get out. Find a small shoe box apartment and than look into counceling. Forget those so-called friends of yours they are not friends and never were. Realize there must be a balance between work and play. I know what it is like to be alone. I have no family but one or two friends and for a long time I had me, myself and I, to the point were I thought I was going to go crazy. But you can get through this. Figure out what you would like to do for fun, even though it means being alone. Its okay to be alone for a while. Things have a way of balancing out. I wish you the best and hope things have truly turned around for you. I am stepping onto a rocky road, I am afraid of getting help, but I need to if I am to live. If you read this let me know how you are doing. Good or bad I would love to read it...I am sorry for the spelling errors, there doesnt seem to be spelling check...

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