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my heart is breaking

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Old 09-23-2005, 06:40 AM   #1
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 213
ontheway HB User
my heart is breaking

Hi everyone, To even write this is very exhusating to me, but I was molested sense I was little all the way up to when I was 20, by my step father that claimed be has his child by adoption, he always made me feel stupid in front of him like he knew evereything, when I was young he was extremely mean to us we hated him and loved it when he left ( my borther and I ) there is so much to this that i dont even want to go over because im tired, I really am

I've moved out of my house and now living with a wonderful man and his parents that man happens to be my fiance and we are getting married soon. see I have so many blessings. but recently I told my aunt I dont want mitch ( step dad ) to walk me down the isle to give me away, I dont want to walk arm n arm and have a kiss on the cheek NO THATS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME! I'm getting very stronger in that department of my life where now I can stand up for myself. well here is another part of the story i told my mom this was going on twice she does not believe in her heart although she says she does and she choose to stay with him after she told him to leave me alone twice now. and my whole side of my moms family never liked him, but its taken a dramtic turn my aunt acts has if what happen to me was light while saying at the same time u have to understand your mom side it would destry her to leave him. but I'm her flesh and blood it has destoryed my life, yet my feelings are left unconcern its about my mom's and mitch feelings to my family.

I also have OCD which i deal with the religious thoughts, confessing etc its not pretty and that has recently started but up in high gear the OCD I feel like im not understood and my feelings dont matter because people view me as a weak person, i also use to self injured me because i was so angery i dont do that anymore now i punch walls...this is all breaking my heart apart and killing me inside, to wear i feel physically exhusated i have huge headaches everyday and more then once i also got some health problems going on with my leg i have a torn muscle all this is effecting me i was dagoniss with major depression as well i see a bahvioral therapist and that helps alot and I'm also on medicine which got me my opinion.

I sleep alot, to escape the day, I often wish i could just be with my Jesus in heaven and i have suicide thoughts. I just need someone to understand my side and so thats why im typing this i guess to vent in mym chest i feel a heavy nest like its hard to breathe sometimes and i feel like i want to just collapes when im out and about this stress has gotten to me in a very upsetting way. I cry for no reason and am often told this is something i can get over with a its not, I just need to vent this out im hurting pretty bad and about to cry and cant take this i scream yesterday out of frustration and i hate feeling this way....I still feel i wish God had never made me born into this earth this is not my home or place. thanks for listening to me im 24 now and im a female and it feels like im emotionally dying inside....please forgive me for talking only about me, I hope everyone will feel better have faith, im guess i should try that myself. God bless u all and watch over u all

Love ur friend

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Old 09-23-2005, 07:03 AM   #2
*Mood Ring*
Junior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 45
*Mood Ring* HB User
Re: my heart is breaking

Hi there Ontheway

Your heart is breaking and it may take a while
To not frown and look down and hide that special smile
So if life is low and with your sadness that surrounds
Get with it hop to it and turn your life arround.

That little hiku is there just for you because I feel your pain as well .
Mood Ring ~With a fire in her heart
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and love in her soul
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Old 09-23-2005, 11:54 AM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 169
s1980 HB User
Re: my heart is breaking

Hi there,
Sorry that you are having such a hard time at the moment with all you are going thru.
First of all, I think that you are absolutely right in your wishes to have your wedding your way - it is your big day, you should be able to celebrate it however and with whoever you choose to. The wedding day is for the happy couple, don't feel pressurised into changing things just to suit other people.

It sounds terrible what you went thru with your stepfather, people often find even the thought of abuse so terrible that they refuse to believe that it has even happened, this may be what is occuring with your Mother and Aunt, they may feel guilty that this man was able to do this to you and that they didn't do anything about it as and when it was happening. So sorry that you are not recieving the help and understanding you need from them, I hope that one day they will be able to properly acknowledge what you went thru and be able to offer any support that they can, right now they don't sound like they are ready to start coming to terms with this, but in time they will.

You described your feelings so vividly and they remind me of when I was really struggling with depression, I felt totally exhausted, I slept constantly and could never seem to get enough sleep, I used to say that 'sleep is medicine' - noone could bother me or hurt me as I slept, it was the only thing I wanted to do at the time. When not sleeping, I struggled a lot with my moods, I was irritable, short tempered, very sensitive, teary and very low. Have you been to see a doctor at all? You really should go and see a Doctor and explain how you are feeling to him - particulary the terrible feelings you are experiencing and the physical symptoms.

I know that sometimes the Doctors are not very helpful, they often prescribe meds that don't have the desired effects or they push you on to other specialists and therapists who are also not so great but the thing is sitting at home wishing you could feel better isn't going to work - depression is a n illness, people with illnesses can't just wish for them to go away - they need treatment, and if the first doctor, or med or therapist is no good then you must keep going, don't give up, don't just let the depression take over your whole life, this is something you really need to fight against because you can beat it and one day you will feel better - I know this because I have been thru this and come out the other side - I hope you can too.

all the best

Old 09-23-2005, 12:02 PM   #4
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 78
MildDepJeff HB User
Re: my heart is breaking

Hope this helps too... getting married is a very stressful time especially for the bride, so you definitely need some help to get through it without becoming more depressed. But it will be ok!

A suggestion as far as walking down the aisle? Find some other person you'd rather walk with and say that, rather than saying you don't want your stepfather to do it. People'll have a lot harder time arguing with you if you say I really want Uncle so-and-so or Grandpa or whoever to give me away since he's a blood relative rather than step-relative... something like that.

Old 09-23-2005, 12:15 PM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 78
MildDepJeff HB User
Re: my heart is breaking

If with no one else, you should talk about these things with your wonderful man. He's the one who will be there to support you for the rest of your life, and he can be there to support you right now.

Even if you don't want to tell him about the abuse, you can tell him that you're depressed and having trouble and need some help and support. It might help to get some information on depression, both for yourself, and to share with him to help him be supportive (sometimes people's initial reaction, especially to abuse, is so negative it can seem to be directed at you).

Old 09-23-2005, 06:28 PM   #6
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: kentucky
Posts: 169
brokenspirit HB User
Re: my heart is breaking

my name is cathy let me tell you alittle about myself to start with.
I was molested from the time I was 8 til I was 16. It was my older brother who did this to me. I have lived in fear and no self worth all my life. I came to a breaking point not to long ago. I tried to hurt myself.and in the process I hurt alot of very loving people. Everyone on this board.
Its not an easy thing to deal with. I was taken away from my mom and dad when I was 16 because I told the cops what had happened. The sad thing is One night I was in my bedroom my brother came in and raped me and I ran away from home. My mom and dad were in the next room and didnt even bother to come and help me. My younger brother knew what happened and he wouldnt tell. When i was 14 I broke my arm I was at home, my dad fondeled me and I hit him on the head with my cast. I tried to tell my mom what was going on but she wouldnt believe me she still doesnt. I fight with this everyday. I guess the hardest part was forgiving them for all they did to me. But I knew that I had to . Since then I have been married for almost 18 years to an alcoholic who is very verbably abusive and I have 2 children. one 16 and one 15. I am very and I mean very perctive of my girls. I am so scaird that something might happen to them. But I get through it one day at a time. that is all anyone can do ask God to help us make it through each day one at a time.
I dont know you circumstances and I cant tell you I know how you feel because I dont . But I can tell you it does get better. One day at a time.
I hope this helps. I have been there too! I a make it through each day by the grace of God, one step after another. He helps me and he will help you too.
love and prayers,

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