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Felicia65 09-26-2005 07:39 PM

does anyone understand Me
:eek: I guess I am just looking to talk with someone, some one who understands me. Why does it seem like everything bad happens a once. First I lost my job, while I am on workman comp.. But I can't go back there and I can't find another job, then My son came to live with me he had been on drugs, and he seem to be my every thought And my fight to keep him away from drugs, when he came he had no clothes, nothing, he look like a bum on the streets. he had been living with his father for 6 years, And I had been told he was on drugs, But he always avoided me, so I really did not know untill I seen him with my own eyes. He was doing great here with me, he had gotten a job, saving money the works, But me on the other hand I felt like the devil himself had just put me in a foot race...... But I would go though hell to save my sons life... Well last weekin he went to his fathers, had a few beers then on to find a few old friends. While guess what, old friends old times. The next day I pulled out a drug test all hell broke lose he left, i was called every name in the book then some..... Plus my husband that already did not wont him here had to be put in it too. All week he has been calling or coming by, yesterday he came by and he looked so bad. I wonted to cry, he said he was not sleeping well, he keeps asking to come home, But I told him He can not live with me and do drugs, Now my husband says no way will he ever be back here to live, Tonight I have not heard from him, I wonder if he is okay or maybe he is somewhere on drugs. I feel like a crazy person, Why am I doing this to my self............I wont to talk to someone who understands me But there is no one around here that cares, the way I do... MY family just looks down on him like a piece of trash. I came so close to telling them off, they are so sure he will never change.......I just wont to tell them all to go to He!!. They think since he chose his father over me years ago I should not care about him, But I still do.......... What would it take for a mother too hate her son???? I would like to tell them all that they need to have a look around them before they put judgement on him........... My husband is leaving in 8 weeks for his home land in a different country, I will be left here alone with no job, and I am not sure what I will do,He seems not to really care what happens too me, When I ask him about this he said you knew this two years ago.... Thats it!!!! no more said !!!!How can a man up and leave his wife knowing she has nothing, he said I will pay the rent for a month, Please I am not sure how many months he will be gone maybe 3 or 6 maybe he will never come back........ I feel so un loved and un wonted......... and just not understood........... Sorry needed to vent

Jecca1 09-26-2005 09:04 PM

Re: does anyone understand Me
Felicia, I understand. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know how worried you are. You love your son and it is so hard to watch them go through this. They won't listen to you, think you are overprotective of them, and they think you're not "with it". Their friends mean the world to them and they listen to their advice instead of yours.

I went through this with my son also. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to follow my son in a car as he was weaving while he was driving with a friend. I didn't know for a long time that he had been sampling drugs, serious drugs. When I found out, I realized why his attitude toward me had changed. His friends came over all the time. Some were nice to me because they knew that I didn't know what was going on. Some would just hold their heads down and walk by me. If I said anything to my son about his friends, he would say that I shouldn't try to choose his friends for him and that I didn't know what I was talking about or something like that.
I cared very much and it was my house he was living in. I didn't tell him that he would have to move out because I was afraid it would make the situation worse, but I watched him, prayed for him, asked others to pray. I told him that there better not be any drugs in my house and they would ruin his life. I worried that he and his friends would have some there that I didn't know about and I would get in trouble or lose my house. I snooped around when he was gone. I took and hid the car keys from him one night when he was not himself. I was afraid to go to work and leave him there alone or with friends, but I had to. I was a single parent. I had to ask my boyfriend to help me several times with one situation or another. My boyfriend made one of the boys leave and told him not to come back. It made my son mad.

It is a very hard thing to go through. It took my son possibly 2-3 years or more to stop it. He had started off as being depressed. I took him to a psychiatrist who put him on wellbutrin. My son knew he couldn't concentrate and he really wanted some ritalin or another drug that he could take (and sell to friends). I didn't know that he was depressed. I thought he was acting like teens today act. I did not know until that time that he had experimented with many drugs and it was serious. The doctor brought that to my attention, that it was a bad combination. (Drugs and depression).

I can tell you that I prayed so much you wouldn't believe it. I held my son while he hallucinated one night and it scared me to death. I told him that it had to stop or I would call the cops on him and his friends.

Today, he is 21 years old and in college. He is making something of himself. He admits that he wasted his high school years and he could have accomplished so much more if he had applied himself instead of doing drugs and not caring. He still has a problem concentrating on school work and gets irritable pretty easily. He took himself off of wellbutrin because the Dr. said he would be on it the rest of his life if he didn't get off of it soon.

Now, when I talk to him about the past, he says I didn't do enough. I should have put my foot down. I should have made him stop. I know that I did all I knew to do. He would have run away or matters would have gotten worse if I had been more forceful. He respected me and listened to me in his own way, but he listened more to his friends at that time. I suppose he will never fully realize that, though. He won't, at least, until he has the same problems with his own children, one day.

I hope that never happens.

Today, I am very proud of him. I owe it all to God.

He is alive and well. Not to say that he doesn't have his vices. He does drink, which I hope he will stop. He has stopped smoking, to my knowledge, praise the Lord. I hope that as he matures, these things will get better and better.

I really feel for you and what you're going through. Please know that. Give your son a lot of love. I hope it all works out. I hope he can live with you again.

Felicia65 09-26-2005 10:43 PM

Re: does anyone understand Me
thank you so much for your kind words, I know God is my only hope for his furture, he has been doing drugs for about 4 years now, he did good for about three months But he was very lonely. and I guess the devil just popped his ulgy face up. I have too keep my faith that God will bring him though this. I see him as being better than that. Well any ones child is better than drugs. My youngest is trying to be like him also, It is just tearing my world apart. The only thing I ever felt I done right in life and this is what I get.......... And I know that I have to show tough love in order too help him.....But it seems there is always someone else to pick him up, He is with the grandparents now, they are blinded by anything he does......... Please pray for me and my sons....................Felicia

Felicia65 09-26-2005 10:44 PM

Re: does anyone understand Me
thank you so much for your kind words, I know God is my only hope for his furture, he has been doing drugs for about 4 years now, he did good for about three months But he was very lonely. and I guess the devil just popped his ulgy face up. I have too keep my faith that God will bring him though this. I see him as being better than that. Well any ones child is better than drugs. My youngest is trying to be like him also, It is just tearing my world apart. The only thing I ever felt I done right in life and this is what I get.......... And I know that I have to show tough love in order too help him.....But it seems there is always someone else to pick him up, He is with the grandparents now, they are blinded by anything he does......... Please pray for me and my sons....................Felicia

Samantha317 09-27-2005 12:44 AM

Re: does anyone understand Me
Hi Felicia :wave:
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of these things at once. It seems when it rains it pours. I don't have any advice but I will pray for you.

I understand how hard it is to be a mother and have your children rip your heart out. I have 3 grown sons and I will always love them, no matter what they do.

I know how it is to lose everything you have. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and hugs,
Sam :angel:

jerr8899 09-27-2005 05:13 AM

Re: does anyone understand Me
When my dad died when I was 17 I went off the deep end doing drugs. I did everything I could find. For a long time I was not a good person. But my mother stood by me. She never kicked me out or raised Caine about what I doing. She didn't approve, and let me know she didn't approve. In the end her patience and love won out and I got over all that experimenting and partying. If she had done to me what you did to your kid I probably wouldn't have stopped and probably would have ended up in a much worse situation than I am in now. I can definately say that we would not have the wonderful relationship we have now. Had she kicked me out of my house when I needed her most (even though at the time I didn't think I needed her at all) it would have ruined my life. But she didn't. She was my friend and I thank her for that all the time. She was there for me in the toughest of times. She never gave me an ultimatum, never threatened to call the police. I did have a friend or two she wouldn't allow back to the house, and there were arguments over it, but she was right and I see that now. Her love, kindness and above all, patience allowed me the time to see what I was doing was wrong. She hated seeing me do drugs. But she never allowed that to destroy our relationship and because of that we still have a relationship. One that I wouldn't change for the world.

Johnster 09-27-2005 10:43 AM

Re: does anyone understand Me
(((((Felicia))))), :wave:

I have been waiting for your return and pray for you and your family every day still. I even posted a couple times to your old thread with no response and still nothing. Today my prayers have been answered. You have returned!!! :bouncing: Listen friend, You know how I know things can all come down on all of us all at once. This is nothing new and for some of us. They say that "what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger." I am getting stronger every day again too! It’s my growing pain times. Dear if you had a perfect little life with a perfect little family with a perfect situation you might just be so opposite of who you really are today. You might just be a self-righteous self-centered know it all instead of SPECIAL!!! :) You know we are just clay, right friend? ;) We are still being molded and formed everyday. It’s my personal belief that some of Genesis is misinterpreted. That the seven days have not already been completed yet and that the potter is still creating many of us heart and soul. :angel:

You know from what you said and what you should learn from A.A. meetings that people have to hit rock bottom sometimes and sometimes they hit it numerous times. Some people with drinking or substance abuse problems have all the same problems as we do. Anxiety, depression and many others. They sometimes choose that to run from it. All we can do is pray for them. They hopefully will learn sooner than later but they will be forced to learn it period. Your son is no exception. He like you or I is being formed and thru his hardships we can only pray that he will one day waken like you or I from his rough times from all this. This I truly believe is quiet possibly that time. The master potter is forming one of his chosen right now. Your boy!!! His arrogance and disrespect he is showing you will wash away in time. That is my prayer for you right now!!! He like us might need to hit bottom just the right way drugs or not to realize who he is and what he needs to BE. :angel:

I hope this helps a little.

Hugs love and continual prayers :angel:

Felicia65 09-27-2005 02:08 PM

Re: does anyone understand Me
Hi there my sweet friend ((((((((((((JOHN))))))))))))) sorry I have not writen you for a while.... Just did not know what too say... My faith has gotten weak, But I know every thing is going to be oKAY. How are you ? I hope great....... I will be back later on to ck on you bye for now....... Felicia

Johnster 09-27-2005 02:21 PM

Re: does anyone understand Me

Listen dear. I know what it feels like to be in pain. I live it daily and have most my life. :( I know how it can feel at times to be like us or different. I know how hard it is to find friends or even family out there who can love, feel, understand and be there for us in the capacities that we are in or need. Forget your looks or weight or anything else at this moment. When you look in the mirror you may not like what you see. Guess what??? None of us care about that! The only mirror I see at present shows your heart and soul. :angel: A soul that many special people here want and need to see too. Share your friendship here with others. :)

As I said I understand what’s in your heart with troubles and pain. Many here can. I could use a friend like you right now. :) I would like to share a dream I had while napping today. I saw myself riding a bike again. “Some here know about me and bikes.” I am in no condition to ride a bike right now by any means. Anyway this bike was different. It was a tandem. You know a bike made for two? I found myself struggling in my pain up the hill having trouble breathing and pain and all. Next thing I know the struggle gets easier because the bike turns tandem and another friend generously takes over for a wile and lets me get some much needed rest. In time they become tired so I take over again for them too. That’s the kind of friend I so desperately need too right now.

Will you be my friend??? :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:
Neither of us are worthless!!! We both just need a little help with the peddling sometimes. I see you speaking with some of our friends here for some time now. They care for you an awful lot. Don’t loose your good HOPE in some people. That is false HOPE. I put faith and true HOPE in my friends here. YOU Included!!! :)

God Bless you

Hugs, Love and Continual Prayers. :angel:

Your friend John[/QUOTE]


I shared this dream a wile ago with one of my dear friends here. It applies to you too for today. I will do some peddling for you for now and when I get tired you can help me out too. O.K???

I’m keeping the faith for you for now!!!!!!!! :angel:

Love you my sister!!!!!!

Your brother

Felicia65 09-27-2005 09:29 PM

Re: does anyone understand Me
oh my sweet johnny, if there ever was an angel here on earth you are one of them.... I had to come and ck in on you....Today I went to town.... and when I returned my sons car he had left behind was gone........ It almost seems like a dream that he was here with me at all. Only God knows my pain,I feel like I have lost him again But this time To drugs, I seen him Sunday. he looks so bad, I don't think he can keep this up.. I wonted to cry But I did not wont him to see me. He put his head on my shoulder and I run my fingers though his hair. MY SON.. MY FIRST born... Why did this happen? what did I do so bad ? If I had only stayed with him and lived with his father maybe I could have seen this coming... Then there is my baby boy right there behind him.. I just do not know how much I can take......... I know GOD has got to take over......... I have to give this to my lord.......... I can not watch him slowly kill himself........ I am sorry I just am having a hard time.............................. Felicia

Johnster 09-27-2005 10:11 PM

Re: does anyone understand Me
[QUOTE=Felicia65]Rod, Hi I have been reading your post, and you have touched me, I to have sufferd from anixty/panic disorders and depression. But you have to go forward . You get on that plane and go see your rose, STOP thinking about it Just do it. you will be there before you know it. Stop trying to talk your self down I know you can do it. I too am married to a man from a different country, He also saved my life at on time, he showed me a side of me I did not know there was. I will always be greatful for that, Things are not going so well for us right now, But I will always remember the day he walked into my life.I have been with him for 5 years now, there has been bad times and good times. ........ In DeC he is going back home to see his family, And I may never see him again..... Even though he says he will be back, the truth is it is too hard sometimes to cross the boarded. lots of people die trying..... And we have been fighting alot lately, I wont so much for him to see his mother and father, I know how they must long to see there baby son........ But the selfish part of me does not wont to let go.........I tell my self that he needs to be there, maybe he can find a nice girl and live a great life there with his family. I have to put my feelings a side and think of how his family feels with out him........At first I had plan to go, but I got hurt at work and now I have no job and with what little money I have Just is not enough to go. Plus someone has to pay the bills, so I have to find a job, if not I have to go live with my father. But what ever happens I can say this man changed my life.... and for that very reason I can never hate him what ever he does. I will always wish him the best, I am watching him get his truck ready for the long road back home, he is taking everything that belongs to him, but my heart which also belongs to him.... I try so hard not to show my feeling, But some how it comes out in anger. Not that he is going home But that I have to hurt for this. I do not know what it is going to be like with out him coming though that door every day. And he seems so cold at me I think that he thinks I am just being mean..... I just wish he would tell me somthing, He just acts like he does not care about me, he only wont to go home, and I have to stay behind........ Any way dont let anything stop you from your happest, GO for it........Felicia[/QUOTE]


As for “TRYING.” I want to share another story with you. My real father came here at high school age from a foreign country. After he established himself and got married to my mom he sent for everyone else. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. He is the only one who can still speak his old deep language yet he is the only one with NO SIGN OF AN ACENT OR SENTENCE PATTERN DIFFERENCES. Out of curiosity one-day years ago I asked him why that has always been the case. He said the best teacher he ever had was his English teacher when he first got here. She could speak both languages very well like he does now. He said he would get so frustrated with this every day and told her this one time. Her response was that he “TRIED” too hard. He said it sounded stupid but she said, “Just do it” I know this sounds corny and he told me this long before it was made famous by Nike. I swear he told me that he got so caught up in "TRYING" that he was stuck in it. He said he could have given up and spoke with an accent but he just let it come natural in time like a small baby would learn for the first time with no pressure.

Maybe you need to just “BE” [/QUOTE]

(((((Felicia))))) :wave:

I swear to you I had no idea you wrote this until just now as I had not posted to Rod today and just remembered to come back to do so. Do you see how similar your story from yesterday matches mine to a dear close friend today? My father wasn’t from Mexico yet you see the real point here too right? “Just do it” You just helped me find another piece of a puzzle right now!!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you soooo much thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

I may need to leave for some time very soon. After I pick up my sick uncle. Perhaps a new journey!!! I will pray for and talk to everybody soon I hope!!!!!!
Love you all!!! Bye for now :wave:

Felicia65 09-28-2005 08:35 AM

Re: does anyone understand Me
Thank you JOHN......... when are you leaving I am going to mess you posting I always find so much joy just listening to you. But you have a safe trip Felicia

Johnster 09-28-2005 08:53 AM

Re: does anyone understand Me

I’m still saying tons of prayers for your son. Let me know as soon as you here something O.K?

I hope to be back soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs, love and prayers to all as always

Johnster 09-28-2005 04:34 PM

Re: does anyone understand Me
[QUOTE=JohnDiV]I honestly don’t know what is happening to me. I have been talking about the Angelic voice of Allison Krause today so much that I decided to listen to some of her music tonight. This song came on and touched me so deep and at first it reminded me of one of my dear friends today who is having problems with one of her lost babies. Then as I thought about it deeper I realized it applies to many of my dear sweet friends and mothers of all ages here. I miss mine and hope she is listening too.

God bless you all!!! :angel:

Disney Dumbo

Babe Mine / Various Performers

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what they say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head down to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine[/QUOTE]

I brought this as a gift for you. It reminded me of your story earlier. Your baby is your baby. 3 to 103. I hope this doesnt make you cry. I'm praying so hard for you and I hope others will join in and help me here.

Johnster 09-29-2005 08:28 AM

Re: does anyone understand Me

Just stopping in to say hi and wishing you a GREAT DAY!!!

Still sending out prayers like crazy!!! Where ever two or more, right?

Peace BE and hold HOPE and FAITH!!!

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