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    Old 11-12-2005, 11:33 PM   #1
    CaptPippa
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    Question Will I get my girlfriend back?

    Help. I need some advice here. My girlfriend has split up from me. She is 38, and I m 31. She has been diagnosed with depression, and anxiety. She has decided to end our relationship, saying that she is no good for me. She says that she does not share the same aspirations as me, and that she does not want to get married or have anymore children. (those were my aspirations, but in no way were they a `condition` attached when I first asked her out. It does mean that I would do anything to keep her) She already had been married, and separated, and has 2 children. The other thing she mentioned was that we `don`t talk like normal couples do`. This is the same person that did not tell me she was crying almost every other day when I was seeing her, and did not tell me of her panic attacks, and then told me by email to end our relationship. She cant even speak to me face to face. Although distance may be a factor, as she lived 47 miles away. However this is the same distance my mother lives, who I go and see every now and again. How do I get my girlfriend back. Is it the depression that has got her thinking all these negative thoughts? Does she need space, and time to get herself better? Personnally I don`t think she was unhappy in our relationship, but she did mention that suddenly she does`nt know me anymore, and that we never got to know me, and my past life more, and I we never got that bit deeper. She has been signed of work for about 7 weeks due to stress at work, and she is dreading to go back. She just wants me as a friend. I can accept this, but I also want her back. Is this likely to happen, and how can I tackle her depression, and anxiety when I have asked her all the questions what went wrong, and if we would ever get back? She just says she doesn`t want to think, and cant give me any answers. If I can`t get the answers from her, I have no one to turn to, and I was put off when one of my friends told me that they don`t want to talk about it!! Please help? How does depresson affect love, relationships, and friend ship. I don`t want to lose her all over again, as a friend!! Do I stil stay in touch with her or let her have some space to think things over. I m worried that if I do, and as time goes by, I will truly lose her. Its hurting me, as I feel lost myself, and I ve been drinking, and smoking heavily.

     
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    Old 11-13-2005, 09:43 AM   #2
    Astroboy529
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    When one is depressed and suffering from anxiety attacks, it tends to cause you to want to isolate. It's unhealthy but you would know the sensation if you had it. I have and still do and the last thing I want is a relationship. It also drastically lowers your libido, self esteem and just about all the ingredients you need to relate to someone. It isn't your fault and you may not be able to understand it, but that how it is for me

     
    Old 11-13-2005, 10:43 AM   #3
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    I'm in a similar boat... my boyfriend.. or was.. or is... (I am NOT sure at this point.... he hasn't talked to me since Wednesday night and a brief emal late late late Thursday night)... we live 2 hours away... he's going through a LOT in his life.. we made plans for so much, kids, marraige, picked out rings, made plans for a summer vacation the last night I saw hm (Monday).. Tuesday he went to work (kids & I stayed with him Sat-Tues) and was REALLY pissy... and then Tues/Wed he gave me this whole speail of needing to work things out on his own right now, he's confused (yes he has a TON of stuff on his plate righ tnow that would make anyone depressed)... and though he didn't say "break up" or anything..... he says he still loves me, but not like i want to be loved (?????)....he'll be there for me , but not like I'm used to... etc.... It's very difficult to talk about... i know ... with this one... if there's ANY hope of ANYTHING of "us" to be anymore i can't push him... he's one who will totally go away when pushed when he's like this..... and I want so badly to call him and email him.. plus he's sick and i'm worried abotu him (I'm 26 and he's 34).... things were fine and dandy andthen like overnight just about all of this.... my heart aches, my eyes cry, i want to do nothing... i have a 3yr and 5yr olds.... i'm going to be starting a new job in about a week..... but I'm rather in the same boat.... do i let him have some space? will that really help? will that make "us" ok again?? will that alteast make "us" able to TALK abotu things??? I feel like if i say the right thing it'll be ok... i just don't know what. I have no one to turn to either... i get the "well you're too good for him" speach... which does NOT help me at all.....
    I'm here if you'd ever like to talk. ***hugs***

     
    Old 11-13-2005, 11:24 AM   #4
    CaptPippa
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    Thanks for replying astroboy. Sorry I cant understand how you feel, but that is why I m on this forum. I feel really left out by my girlfriend. She doesn`t want to give me any answers just now. This meands that I am truly lost. She has asked me to find another girlfriend, but I still love her. I don`t understand how she was very much herself, on Monday 24th October, and by the 26th she ended our relationship out of the blue by email. Why didnt she communicate with me, and say what she felt about us? I think you are right about the relationship part. My best friend told me that `maybe you are just not what she needs right now`, meaning that I can be quite a hyperactive, and joval kind of guy. He was meaning that maybe she may not feel in the same mood as I do. Please let me ask, what that means for you so I can undertand how a person who suffers depression/anxiety? I ve read in some web pages that you should encourage the person who is suffering to social occasions. Is this correct?

     
    Old 11-13-2005, 12:03 PM   #5
    CaptPippa
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    Thanks for the message LileEyore. Its good to know that there are people out there in a similar situation, and that I m definately not alone. Thank goodness, I tell you that I can at least talk to someone about it. Most of my friends are in relationships, and the other half are into their rugby, or motor sport. They don`t know what I m going through. I m like yourself. My girfriend lives 47 miles away, and it takes about an hour to get there, so I m not always there with her or for her when she needs me. Do you think distance is one of the factors in the breakdown of your relationship? I think you really need to talk to your boyfriend. Looking back, unfortunately this is one thing I didn`t do with my girlfriend. She said to me that we dont talk `like normal couples do`, and this is coming from the same person who hid it upon herself, and never told me that she was on the verge of having a panic attack in my car, when I was driving her to the shops. She never told me she was crying all the time, and this had been going on for six weeks, and I was very much unaware of this. She told me she would like to come through to see me, but I told her that wasnt a good idea if she was having panic attacks, and I couldn`t bear the though of her having an attack while driving to see me. I was worried about her, but she didnt see it that way, and thought that was how we didnt communicate.

    I also want to email my girlfriend, and text her or even call her, but I know I cant. The reason is that if I do, I risk the danger of bombarding her. (don`t push them or you will truly lose them) Like what Astroboy is saying, sometimes they need time to think things over, as relationships can be very stressful for someone that suffers from depression. The most important thing is that if you have broken up, at least you still have a best friend. I certainly don`t want to lose my girlfriend all over again, if she decides also not to be friends with me. I took a week off work, and during that time, I so wanted to be with her. I cried most days, and went on a bender, and drank, and smoked heavily. During that week I lost my mind. It gave me an insight of what depression is like. All sort of negative thoughts went through my head. I was even thinking of quiting my job, and even thought of selling up, and moving away.
    Your situation is better, as he still tells you that he loves you. My girlfriend has stopped the intimacy in her emails, and you can tell its nothing all, but friends. You have a new job to go to, and you have your 2 children. I m sure they are great kids, and you should spend more time with them, until you come to terms what has happened with your partner. What is he expecting out of your relationship.? With my girlfriend, she told me she doesnt want to share my aspirations
    She decided she doesnt want anymore children or get married ever again, (which I did) but the problem here, was she never let me give my say, and if she didn`t want to share my aspirations then that would be okay for me, as I could lower my aspirations for her. So that way there would be no disappointment. She never gave me this chance to dicuss it. I think in time you will know what to expect from your partner, but like you I have no answers at this time. I m at my wits end, and I still looking for the answers, answers like, what went wrong? can we work this out? What or how could I do to change things between us so we can get back together? These are the questions I asked her, but she has not even replied to them, and says she doesnt have the answers herself. I don`t know what your man is like, but there is no harm in asking, for you and I. All we need is closure on the subject. I m still very much in love with my girlfriend, and I d be willing to take her back. I can only assume time will tell. Please be patient, and I think just like me............we will one day get the answers we need.

     
    Old 11-13-2005, 01:11 PM   #6
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    the last few emails i got from him he signs his name... finally the last last one i got he signed "Always".... no the distance I really don't think is a major issue... kids & I & him were planning on us getting a house next summer.... we talk on the IM and email all the time... or did.. (cell phone bills prevented too much phone)... but he says he doesn't love me like I want to be loved... and heck if i know what that means.
    He is one of those persons that if you push, they RUN like the wind... and I'm one of those that is impatiant with things.... I can't talk to him right now... no matter how hard or badly i want to... b/c that would sabbotage ANYTHING with us.

    I still wear his necklace (his friends were SHOCKED to see me wear it... ), have his laptop, a few movies and shirts... he has my book of poetry. it hurts not hearing from him... we've spoken atleast somehow every day since we've been together... no it's not going to kill me... but it's not the him not contacting that hurts.... it's him not contacting me when he's left everything like it was that hurts... you know??

    Time will tell.... yes... that is one thing as someone who's impatiant that I struggle with. People say "it's a rebound relationship" (b/c legally neither of us are divorced.... but that's a WHOLE nother issue there)... and I can assure you it's not.... emotionally from my ex i have not been there in over 3 years... i've had quite a few boyfriends since (ok not TONS but a few).... and this is so different..... He is going through one HELLACIOUS custody case, he told me early early on he gets depressed around holidays, ..... reading through the IMs and emails the past week trying to see all sides of it leaves me more confused.
    My new job I'm anxious about.... i want to go, yet i don't.... i worked overnights at Walmart from Dec-May and haven't worked since.... I have to be able to find good daycare for my son... i have to please my mom (who btw is very close to god... if you get mydrift...).... otherwise she will NOT watch my daughter for 30 minutes or an hour after she gets home from school.... and i'm not forking over $75 a week for my5yr old to have them watch her for a total of MAYBE 5 hours a week? Day care is pathetic in price I tell you that.....

    But it's soooooooooooooo nice to have someone understand some of my points that i hear "you're better off" or "it's just rebound" and stuff from others.

     
    Old 11-13-2005, 01:54 PM   #7
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    Oh my word! Thats exactly what my girlfriend, (I think I should call her an ex-girlfriend now, as we are not technically girlfriend or boyfriend anymore) had done in her emails. Her emails have stopped being really intimate, and now she has pratically stopped asking me any questions. The emails had reduced to one or two lines. I communicated every day by email, ad if I couldn`t I called her on the phone. I think that is our downfall as when we got together we had hardly anything to say. I didn`t think that is a problem. For me, I could talk about a lot of non descript stuff like the things that happened at work, but is that what the other half wants to hear. When I was with me ex, I tried to blot a lot of work related things from her. I mean do you really want a boyfriend to moan about work all the time? Yeah she used to compare me to her ex husband, and say that they used to talk about work all the time. She is comparing me to a past relationship, but I m not that past relation, I m just .....well, me! The distance thing isn`t a problem for me, as my mum lives in the same area as she does.

    I have a few things from my ex too. She has left some clothing over here, presents for my birthday, and its these things that remind me of her. The thing is that she had went through a separation from her previous husband last September. She had 2 previous boyfriends before she met me. When she met me, she says she was besotted with me. I m looking back now, and think maybe she had stress from her separation, moving to a new house, and all the stress from the work. I don`t know if her depression is `bipolar` in the sense she could have extremes of mood, which may include the lows of depression as well as the highs of a very elated mood. (when she was with me)

    Like your situation, too. Her relationship with me, may be from the rebound too. She had a previous relationship before me, and she decided to end that too. Sometimes I think that I m wasting my time, but my heart is saying that I still lover her, still care for her, but my mind is saying is it worth it? I think the `always` thing means that he will be there always for you. I used the same word in a email to my ex, meaning I could always be her boyfriend again or always her friend.

    I ve done the exact same thing when my ex emailed me to say that didnt want to be in a relationship with me. The more I read them, the more I could not understand them, and it may me think was it me, or was it something I had done, or was there something I didn`t show more of like love. I tried to explore all angles of what she meantin the email.

    I think we should really understand really what depression is. Has your partner been diagnosed by your doctor? I live by myself, and I find that extra ordinary hard to cope, as I have no one to talk to. If you have children, at least you can concentrate on them, and let them take your mind of things. If child care costs $75 then why not get a friend or relative to look after you kids. They may do it for free, or even for a small fee or favour.

    I assume you live in The States. I live in the UK, so I have please understand that if i don`t reply soon, it means that I can`t because of the time zone.

    I m trying to get on with life, why not do the same as I do. (I understand you have limitations though with your children) Like go out, or meet up with your friends or relatives. I ve done this, and it does help you get by each day. I would love to speak to my ex again, and tell her how much I feel about her, but my own common sense is saying dont just yet! Why not, well I ve hassled her enough, and as I said, I dont want to lose her all over again, even if she is just a friend at the moment. I m clinging on the fact that she will get better, and that she will say, "hey that man I met, and finished with kept me going through the darkest hour. I want him back!!"

    Hang on in there, as you have talked about getting a house together. I ve not even got this far. I think we find it hard how the other partner is not communicating. We have been left in limbo. A lost soul wondering the lonely planet still searching for the answers, but we musnt forget our partner is going through a recognised mental illness. They need help. I m willing to do this, but how can you if they don`t want to know?

    I m finding it very hard too.

    P.s Does your partner e-mail you straight away, or does it take days for him to get back in touch?

     
    Old 11-13-2005, 02:13 PM   #8
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    that $75 is child care for one kid... not two. Yes i have two kids, but sometimes they just tend to get in my hair and tick me off... and I try so hard not to take out my anger and frustration on them at all.... i don't have family that would help take care of them, I don't trust my ex's family as far as I could throw them.... and I don't have any friends around here at all. That is very difficult.. I can't get out.. I can't go meet any friends for dinner... or a drink or anything.. being i have none... and though i live with my mom, she is NOT a huge help when it comes to that.... i have to plan like weeks in advance to do anything w/out my kids with her watching them.. and that is no fun with moms mouth.
    Oh heck honey.... John & I had picked out wedding rings even..... he'd told his mom and dad and brothers about me and the kids moving down next usmmer he promised he'd teach my kids to swim, we'd go down to the beach in his jeep, and a lot of other stuff up til monday night when we were with him.... i am praying it's just this stuff he's going through with the depression about not having his kids (LONG story there but he's fighting for them).... and the other stuff with his ex and stuff goign on....

    he hasn't emailed me in 2 days... usually he emails pretty quickly back... but things were fine til a few days ago.... but even then he was pretty responsive... even from work (emailing is a basic no no too at work since they're cracking down on stuff there). He told everyone he found his match with me and all..... he used to go to a therapist til ... well... his work got some issues with insurance so that stopped, and he relocated and it's not all switched, etc...... but he does need to go.. i know that.
    This is the first time he hasn't talked to me in some form at all since we started... until Friday ... I heard from him atleast once or twice daily somehow....
    Yes, I live in Virginia. What part of the UK are you in?

    I love country music... there's a song that has been in my head today...........
    and this one line keeps going through my head......... "they ask me
    what i'm doin now and in case your wonderin too
    i breath in and breath out put one foot infront of the other take one day at a
    time till you find i'm that someone you cant live without until then i'll breath
    in and breath out "

    I can see the beginning
    and i don't see the end
    wanna hold and you and never let go-oh no
    for as long as were given
    and we never pretend
    i believe in the future untold

    we'll be stronger together then we would be apart
    i can feel you inside my heart.

    everyday, everynight
    fill my shadows with light
    when i feel all alone your heart is my home
    everynight-everyday
    you show me the way to your love
    show me the way to your love

    baby now that ive found you realise i was lost
    didnt know love could treat me this way
    maybe what it comes down to when it matters the most
    is to find joy in everyday

    we could sink to the bottom
    we could climb to the top
    cause together we'll never give up

    chorusx1

    doesnt matter if were far away
    got each other and thats all i ever need to know
    someone to call my own
    well be together
    finally-were meant to be

    everyday-everynight
    fill my shadows -shadows with light
    everynight and everyday you
    show me the way to your love

     
    Old 11-13-2005, 02:46 PM   #9
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    Hi again,

    Thanks for the song lyrics, but I don`t know who sang them. Have you heard Crash & Burn by Savage Garden. Look up the lyrics at a website, or ******** it from a site. It has really good lyrics too that gets me by.

    I m actually from Edinburgh, in Scotland, which is north of UK. Please don`t worry, 2 days is not a long time. Its not like a month or so, and that is really long. I think maybe you should step back in sense that maybe it is too soon to get married. With all the worries, and stress of divorce, custody of the kids, and getting married. It does sound like a lot on his plate. I hope he hasn`t got cold feet. This is no comparrison to what i have lost. It looks like you have a lot more to worry about. My ex doesnt want to get married anymore, and I feel that would be okay for me. I just wish she could talk about it with me.

     
    Old 11-13-2005, 03:34 PM   #10
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    i have always loved Scotland. My great x8 Grandfather is from there... Ogilvie last name. Yeah.. not common at all ha ha... i know it is. I've been separated 2 years... but whether we should or should not be together we are.. or were... still confused you know? I know a few days isn't long... it's the way they were left... plus he was getting sick and thinking of going to the dr... which he does not do... he's one of those that will not go to the dr except being really really sick.

    I wish also he would just talk.... there's so much roundabout he's giving me... not that i don't go in circles ever too.. lol..... but it still hurts and leaves me mondo confused. Wow i'm having a sense of de'ja'vu right about now... really really strong too... huh. Yes he does have a TON on his plate.... I do too, but not like him honestly... and I realize that... I Think he doesn't really understand that I do understand that..... I don't know.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 08:02 AM   #11
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    i hope you're doing better today... i got a very non personal email from him this morning..... i just started shaking... and crying... i hate this i hate hate HATE it... i don't know how much more I can take... i'm trying sooo hard to hold on hope... and the threads are quickly pulling apart.... my tears are drowning my lap right now... and my hands are shaking so hard i can barely type this.... here is the email...


    Hey Noelle,

    Got your IM Saturday. Congrats and go pee in a cup for drug testing. I know
    its not the best job, but it's a job and know that better things will come
    from this. I know that in my heart to be true.

    Me, my stomach is a mess and I feel a little bit better, but I have court
    tomorrow morning. Go figure, but I expected it to be messed up (my stomach)
    with all that is going on.

    (some stuff about his court and family here)

    Anyway, good luck with your pee test.lol - that's something you don't hear
    everyday.and I'm praying for you too.

    Take care of yourself.

    Always,
    John

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 03:13 PM   #12
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    Hi there,

    At least you got more from your parnter. I only got.....

    Hiya duck

    ha ha - you made me laugh - always remember - don't go near the puter when youve had a skinfull!!

    Me and the girls went to the pictures on Friday - despite the weather warning - and saw Nanny McPhee - it was ok.

    Thanks for the invite for Tuesday but - of course, i have the girls! Right Im off to do some studying for my Reiki Master course

    tara for now
    J x

    Now this is not the usual email I would get. There is absolutely no intamicy here. No questions, no nothing. Maybe its the same with your partner. Maybe the depression is affecting him. I don`t know. I feel lower than ever. Maybe its time for you to reply, get the questions you need here.

     
    Old 11-14-2005, 03:26 PM   #13
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    me too. I did reply.... and I asked a few questions, and asked when could we talk because we definitly need to do that. That was this morning at about 11:00... it's now 6:30 and I've yet to hear back from him at all. I too feel lower than ever.... i know that feeling... too bad you're across the ocean... it'd be nice to get to gether with someone who "gets" what i'm feeling and just bum it all out over a drink ya know? *sigh*... oh... here's most of an email i got from his good friend (he's best friends ith this couple and they'd befriended me....) .... not that it's really saying much at all.... but..... *sigh* .... After my kids left for a few hours with their dad, I tossed myself on my bed and held onto some stuffed animal and just cried... I fell asleep for like 20 minutes... my eyes snapped open,and I did not want to get up.... ever.....


    Hey. I hope all is well..considering. I did not see him at all on Sunday. He called this morning and said that he had been sick...green poop. It was probably be he drank way to much on Sat. night. I was not there, but George and John were playing Monopoly. All I know is that George kicked his *** in the game and after that he started drinking. George was not even drinking really (one or two beers). By 11:00 pm Saturday, he was late. (some court info here i deleted) And also about Joe and Amy's divorce. He was not to happy. Anyway, he is not talking much about anything... except he knows he has hurt you and is sorry...but he just needs some time. Well got go work, take care, talk to you soon Diana

     
    Old 11-15-2005, 10:27 AM   #14
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by CaptPippa
    Thanks for replying astroboy. Sorry I cant understand how you feel, but that is why I m on this forum. I feel really left out by my girlfriend. She doesn`t want to give me any answers just now. This meands that I am truly lost. She has asked me to find another girlfriend, but I still love her. I don`t understand how she was very much herself, on Monday 24th October, and by the 26th she ended our relationship out of the blue by email. Why didnt she communicate with me, and say what she felt about us? I think you are right about the relationship part. My best friend told me that `maybe you are just not what she needs right now`, meaning that I can be quite a hyperactive, and joval kind of guy. He was meaning that maybe she may not feel in the same mood as I do. Please let me ask, what that means for you so I can undertand how a person who suffers depression/anxiety? I ve read in some web pages that you should encourage the person who is suffering to social occasions. Is this correct?

    It sounds like your g/f needs to see a therapist stat! And maybe get on some meds. Most ppl feel they aren't good enough for anyone when they are depressed and that's why she's telling you these things. Or maybe she hasn't been happy in your relationship for a while and didn't know how to tell you. I don't you or her so I couldn't really give you a clear answer. My good friend is asking for a divorce from her husband of 7 yrs and he had no idea she was unhappy with there marriage until 3 months ago because she choose to hide here feelings about how unhappy she really was. She finally can't stand to live like that and is doing something about it. Here husband is a dork and very controling and jealous guy. And it doesn't do you any good to smoke and drink yourself to death! You need to be the stronger one for your ex g/f so if you want to get her back you need to be sober.

     
    Old 11-15-2005, 03:50 PM   #15
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    Re: Will I get my girlfriend back?

    how are you doing today? I had to email John and ask him a question about his laptop I have b/c it was going nuts..... i kept it to that ony.. which was hard... here's the email i got back...... nothing about us or anything... and it hurts.

    Actually...been an interesting day today and interesting one last night. Tried to go to bed early...but got an email....from (name)!!!!

    She's pretty adiment about the divorce right now. Got another 4 emails today and two voicemails from her wanting the divorce. The only hting is that I did not like was she entitled it...(name). Go figure.

    Anyway. Configsafe is a program on the computer. You can go ahead and ignore it. Good on the other things.

    I just got home really. I shovelled 3 tons of rock for inbetween the houses. Rain rock they call it i guess...but my hands are tired. I did not sleep well either.

    I told you (name) are getting a divorce? They are. Still have not heard back from me.

    Anyway, gotta shower....i hurt to my bones and want to take a nice hot shower for once to try and loosen them up. let alone with blisters on my hands. 8-(

    I'm taping lost again tonight for ya.

    Thats all for now.

    Let me know how the job offer is going? When do you start working? lemme know.

    John

    PS,
    court was okay. got lost and walked for 45 minutes before finding the Federal Building and someone gave me bumm directions on the street. Got there and they sent me to the wrong room....then had to wait about 45 minutes before they called me. go figure. it was easy...but still do not like having to do this. oh well...life goes on and in 75 days...one less thing to go through.

     
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