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feel like i am lying

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Old 10-03-2002, 07:01 AM   #1
blue cloud
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: sussex, UK
Posts: 384
blue cloud HB User
Unhappy feel like i am lying

hi i guess i am just looking for some reassurance.

at the moment i am trying to be responsible and gain peoples trust after a year of suicide attempts and self harm

but although as my therapist says i am 32 days into a life of being responsible it just feels astough i am tricking everyone into believing that im ok.

i feel as if any moment now i am going to loose my grip on this and do something really stupid
i dont want to because then thats 32 days of trust and being responsible down the pan and if i loose this i dont think i will even bother trying with a normal life again.

sorry this is long i just wondered if anyone has any words of encouragement or feels similar

i just feel so alone and scared
thankyou for listening
love and bubbles blue

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Old 10-03-2002, 07:17 AM   #2
Fuzzy Bear
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 233
Fuzzy Bear HB User

Hi Blue,

First, I must say that I am really not experienced or knowledgeable in this at all.

But I do understand the feeling of trying to gain people's trust. I think that you are bound to feel like a fake and a failure and all those bad things when you are so down, distressed and under pressure. I am only saying this from my own experience and from some of the things that I have read on the board, from different people. I am not a mind reader lol.

I believe that you can beat this, and I think that you are doing very well in this battle.

Hang in there Blue, don't let the bad thoughts and feelings win. They are not the true Blue, they are tricking you into believing bad things that are just not true.

We are here for you, Blue,

love and hugs,

Old 10-03-2002, 07:21 AM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Williams, Az.usa
Posts: 377
Kokopelli HB User

Hi Blue,

Long time no talk to hon.. we are all here for you and rest assured you are not alone in this same feeling. I can't say I have looked through your eyes to know your exact pain inside but imagine it's been a rough road so far. Depression is different for each of us as we all have our own reasons, feelings, emotions etc.. But just know theres ALOT of people here that will reassure you when you need it. I think thats part of healing though I am not sure as I am still on the path to healing myself


Old 10-03-2002, 07:46 AM   #4
Fuzzy Bear
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 233
Fuzzy Bear HB User


When I said that I wasn't experienced or knowledgeable, it was partly my paranoia talking. You have said to me several times that I give good advice, and I am very glad if I have helped you, even if it is only a little.

I think that the worst thing that you can do is bottle up your pain - I have been there, and it is a very dark road to take.

Only you, together with your doctor and therapist, can make the decision whether you would be safer in hospital...

You said that being in hospital made you worse? Were you talking about the therapeutic community then, or the hospital that you were in before?


Old 10-03-2002, 02:51 PM   #5
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Hawthorne, NJ
Posts: 211
StarCat HB User

by the way bluey, i often feel like i'm putting on an act at work when i come in all smiley even though i'm feeling low. but the fact is, so long as i make it through the day safely, it doesn't matter whether i was smiling or crying, or lying to some people about how i felt. I MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY.

Old 10-03-2002, 03:36 PM   #6
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Tulsa OK USA
Posts: 403
bev52 HB User

Good answer Star...I've done that far more than actually show my True feelings. I thnk that's why so many people think I'm perfectly normal and cannot believe, (if they ever find out), how distorted my life really is and have SUCH an outgoing personality....I put on a 'show' or a happy face even when I don't feel it. Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrit in the world but it doesn't take me long to get over it, since that's the least of my worrys.

I will say this...after ACTING all day, when I get home I'm exhausted and fall apart like a crumpled dish rag. I guess we just do whatever is necessary.

With Kindness,

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