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    Old 10-12-2002, 01:06 PM   #1
    IsisAngel
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    Post Anyone feel like this too?

    I feel like maybe I don't have depression exactly but something that *looks* like depression. I was an abused child, physically and mentally and trapped with this til I was about 15. I once tried to run away when I was only 10. Anyway, I've always been one to look at the world as magical, optimistically, as though I've always been a child. I mean, the littlest things can excite me. My mom will make me fudge and I will wake up some mornings and thinks, OH BOY FUDGE!!! and that will totally make my day! And some of that is still in me, even though I'm now 22, and having the most horrible year.

    It's like everything I found to look good at, someone, a family member would find a way to make me afraid of it. I love horses for example and was an outstanding horseback rider, and my family kept saying over and over, it's too dangerous, one day you'll get hurt, people always do. And one day, I did fall off and break my arm and the horse almost fell on me too. Ever since then, I've been scared of horses even though I miss them terrible.

    I wanted to be a dancer, but my mother said, no you don't have the body for it, you'd never be a dancer no matter how good you are. For a long time, I used to overlook what people said and do what I wanted, but it's like my subconscious listened to them and made what they said come true.

    Because of this, eventually I shut down. And it's like...I don't feel like it was depression exactly because I had a feeling if I were suddenly surrounded by the perfect world with people who loved me and never ever said discouraging things, the real me would come back out in a flash.

    I once saw a psychic who helped me more than any doctor did and she said, I don't feel like you have depression, I feel like you are in more of a cocoon than depression. And I believe her.

    This year, I made such terrible mistakes regarding my life in general, especially financially. And my stress level went through the roof this past June, where I finally ended up in the hospital. I have chest pains, stomachaches, sore throats, headaches, this empty feeling in me, weakness, trouble eating and sleeping...it's awful, I can't even work because of this.

    Luckily, I have a husband who has stuck by my side through this. I can tell he wishes I would get better though.

    And the doctor I see, he's good but what is it with doctors and medication? You tell them a few things and they're ready to put you on something or increase the dosage! He's trying to get me to try Lexapro. I was Wellbutrin for 4 years, the only medicine that worked for me without side effects but I quit cold turkey in April or May. All it did was give me energy and numb my brain to that discouraging junk I got from everyone. But I don't want to do that. The few times I've been happy in my life, I've been fine. All that physical and mental stuff clears up miraculously. The only thing I'm on now is Xanax for the anxiety and I don't even like being on that, even though it's not a high dosage. I take about 1.5mg a day. And I want to be off it as soon as possible.

    Okay, maybe I just answered my own question here, but apparently I need to find what makes me happy and getting over all fears surrounding it. Thanks to what's been bred into me all this time, I feel like I will fail at anything I try. For years, I've never known what I wanted to do with myself. I've gone from wanting to be a lawyer, to artist, to film, to writer, to doctor and now I'm back at artist. I've been an artist my whole life. I can't fall off and break an arm doing that, unless I did say a mural on a huge wall that required a ladder or something...heh. But I love my art, I also love to write. Basically what I've found myself wanting is to be able to stay home, still do something and be happy. And sometimes I don't know what I want!!!!!

    I am totally babbling here, but this is the first place I've found where people are talking about stuff similar to what I feel for once. It would be nice to talk to someone who knows what I'm going through. My husband is supportive but he doesn't really know exactly what I'm feeling. And two weeks ago, a friend whom I thought understood, totally dumped me because I made an abrupt move back to where my family was located <by the way, my mother got into therapy and changed, we're now very close>. Anyway, my "friend" she was living with my husband and me for awhile and after another hospital visit, I asked him if we could go back to where our families were, well she hit the roof, saying I have to move out within a week??? this was because we had only 7 days left to get out of our lease without penalty. That's a long story though, but somehow over my request that we leave Florida, and come back up to VA...where housing is much more expensive, she said she no longer knew where I stood in her life. This is of course did not make the situation any better.

    I've been back in VA, my home for a week now and things have improved slightly because I feel safer but I'm still sad and very lonely. I just want hope, and some friends to talk to. Sometimes I want to die, but when I think about it, I don't really want to die, I just don't feel like life is going to be all that much to look forward to sometimes. Especially when I feel the physical parts of my unhappiness. That empty feeling is awful. On my better days, I do see beautiful things about life. I still have some of my childlike innocence in me at least.

    Anyone who wants to respond to this book I just wrote in anyway, I'd love to hear from you.
    IsisAngel

     
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    Old 10-12-2002, 04:48 PM   #2
    buzz23
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    I understand your feelings. I have been there, not exactly, but sort of. A situational depression, of sorts. And as for not knowing what you want to do- I was the same way. I went to college, then dropped out, then went to work f/t at a boring job. that was unsatisfying too. But I had to do it b/c I had to support myself. Now I am married ( since June) I dont do anything that doesnt make me happy with regards to career anymore. My husband supports us. I have found that I enjoy an art of some form too- I design and create gift baskets. I opened my own business. My work is fufilling, 95% of the time. I always feel like people who they lable as "depressive" have so much to contribute artistically to society. Some paint, some sing, yet others draw or write. I have been operating my business for almost a year. And I only make about 55 dollars a week profit. Peoplemight laugh at that, but I am happy doing what I do. I know I would be miserable again if I was forced to sit at a desk in a boring 9-5 job. My family has not agreed with my choice of a husband, and they dont agree totally with my career choice either. They want me to go to college, well screw that- I dont have the attention span for that kind of thing. it just doesnt hold my attention. I still get hit with my depression partly b/c I have no friends here where i live, even though we have lived here for 4 years. I have trouble understanding and relating to people on a simple dull level. I feel I look at life differently than the average person. I am not satisfied with nonsensical banter and chatter for conversation. i enjoy deep and philosophical conversations. I am from NY and my husband loves it here in NC. we have been here 4 years, so I dont think we will beleaving here, plus now my business is here. But I miss NY terribly. And sometimes i almost cry - about how bad I miss my "home"
    I am pretty much of a loner now- I cant relate to dumb or stupid people, or people who are looking for superficial friendship. I always require the person to be almost like me to be friends with me.So since I am really unique, I wind up being alone a lot. And that makes me sad too. I understand how your family made you feel too. My family always said " You cant do this and you wont do that"

     
    Old 10-12-2002, 07:59 PM   #3
    ffsmith
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    YES YES YES your story sound very familiar and I understand much of what you describe.

    I do not think I have depression either. But, mom says I do and she convinced the rest of the family.
    I get tired of telling every one that I think they are wrong.

    I too had the innocent excitement that your describe.
    So much so that I was a strange kid in grade school.
    But I think I lost some of that in grade school. I wonder if it is easier for girls to keep that part of themselves? What do you think? (I am male)

    In general right now I feel like a failure. And I feel there is nothing to look forward to in life. All my opportunities for a happy life are in the past. A lot of times I think I would be better off dead.

    Recently I have had some bad encounters with one officer in my town. He gave me about a half dozen citations that I am trying to get settled right now on top of a few others. So far I have had 3 lawyers help me with the case but I am looking for a 4th.

    Right now I am scared to go out of the house and scared to try anything new. I feel trapped too as I still live at home and feel I am imposing on others, not wanted, and have no tools or resources to do anything.

    I too have shut down too. I do not trust anybody any more.
    I do not want anyone to know anything about me because they will put me down make me feel bad and tell me I am wrong. And generally use what I do or say against me.
    As silly as it sounds I am scared of all people. I would rather just be alone, still I get lonely too.?
    Crazy huh?

    I have made terrible financial mistakes in my life to. I have blew a lot of money in my father business on repairs and improvement and buildings and equipment because I thought the business was being give to me and wanted to show that I was interested and committed. I lost quite a bit in investments. And I figure conservatively that my father owes my about $100,000.00 for goods, time and other bets and promises that he made.

    Instead of paying me he just recently gave my brother about 100,000 in equity in a house adjacent to the business.

    I think all I ever wanted to do when I was little was make my parents proud of me but that never seemed to happen. For me the abuse was emotional and probably some neglect. I was told after 6th grade and that I should not bother my parents with my problems any more. I think that was the start of my shut down.

    From that point on I have felt alone to face my problems, and I have not done very well.

    My father use to always tell me that I should not worry about school and I should be helping him more with his businesses. My mother told me I need to leave and do any thing but help my father with his businesses.

    In school I was deathly afraid of girls and dating and being social in any way. I am not sure where that came from?

    I tried soccer in school I do not even think my father knew, and my mother said I was not very good.
    Band was a little easier to stick with but eventually I dropped that too.

    After going to a local college for a year and a half I got a full scholarship to a pretty prestigious (maybe Ivy League? I am not sure?) College in another state. I went there for about a year. It was hard for me I was lonely unsure of myself and not doing to well at school. I listen to my father and dropped out and came home. I can never forgive myself for that.

    Then I tried very hard to run one of my fathers businesses like I thought he wanted. I did that three years full time. … Soon my father was telling me that I could never run a business…
    Now he tells me I am too “sick in the head” to do anything like run a business or get along with people.

    After that I finished a college degree and got job.

    As a spare time type of job I tried buying cars and fixing them up. My father told me I was in his way and did not want me using the barn (that I had built) and his tools (half of which I had bought). He just made me feel really bad about that. So I gave it up.
    Like buzz23 said, I probably made $55 a month or maybe lost money, but at least it kept me busy and gave me a sense of accomplishment?

    I am now taking a new drug called a “substance p antagonist” for depression.

    The doctor running that trial said he thinks my problems are more due to my shyness and poor social life than depression. FINALLY SOME SEES IT LIKE I DO!!!

    Like you, I think listening too much to my parents/family has poisoned my subconscious.

     
    Old 10-12-2002, 08:05 PM   #4
    ffsmith
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    oops

    [This message has been edited by ffsmith (edited 10-13-2002).]

     
    Old 10-13-2002, 12:13 PM   #5
    IsisAngel
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    Thanks for replying so much...it made me feel better. Really this is the first time I've found a place where people seem to "get it".

    Thanks for not telling me, you have to be strong...you have to dig in deep and try anyway, no matter how bad you feel. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that.

    ffsmith, you spoke of how you wanted so much to make your parents proud...I know what that feels like. That's all I ever tried to do was make people proud of me. All i wanted, and still want is for people to love me and want to be around me, to be proud of me too. That's the main reason I kept choosing careers like film director, actress, dancer, doctor, etc...It took me a few years to figure out that that was why I chose those careers. I kept trying to get into these fields, only to fail. I liked them sure, very much...but when it came right down to it, the reason I wanted to be famous or well known in some way was because I wanted so much to be able to throw my success into everyone's face.

    Sometimes, I feel that way towards my husband too. Right now, he's supporting both of us, but I know it's hard for him to do it. He gets frustrated with me and I feel terrible. I usually feel like an imposition on everyone in my life. And I feel like everyone is looking at me with disapproval, thinking when is she going to get better, or is she ever going to get better...and that's when I want to die. The other time I want to die is when I think about what I want to do with my life, and everything seems bleak.

    Everyone is like, just do a job so you can support yourself, help out. But I cannot force myself to be miserable. It doesn't appeal to me in the least to get up and apply to some retail places, dealing with the kind of management I know I'd have to deal with. I already know, I've forced myself to do it since I was in high school. The idea of doing this makes it harder for me to get better because I know the second I start to look like I'm getting better, people are going to instantly say, great, now you can get a job and do something with yourself.

    I tried to go to college. I've never done that well in school actually. Well, I was a straight A student throughout elementary school, honor roll through junior high...mainly because I was threatened with physical abuse if I dared not come home with outstanding grades. It's not that I don't enjoy school, actually I used to like it, except for the work part. I hated being forced to be at a desk all day, doing nothing but work never allowed to have any fun.

    Anyway, I went to college right after high school because that's what everyone did, not because I actually wanted to. I went to a school that had a horseback riding team, one of the best in the country. But I hated it there. One of my favorite activites was taken and put into school. I was suddenly graded on my riding, drilled to death, I even had homework concerning it, and there was constant competition. It wasn't fun anymore. I dropped out after the very first semester.

    Then my parents were mean to me for awhile, telling me how I wasted their time and money. They thought about kicking me out of the house, although I think it was mainly my father who wanted that. He always took some strange pleasure in tormenting me. My mother on the other hand, tended to be much kinder. I think the reason she was that mean to me was because of his influence. It wasn't until she started being herself, and not who he wanted her to be, that she became a different person.

    Then I started on therapy and wellbutrin and my husband <boyfriend then> started college. For some reason I was insanely jealous. Again it comes back to, I'm not doing anything with my life and he was. I dug in then and got myself in community college, developed a portfolio and applied for one of the top art schools in the country. Took me two tries because of grades, but I got in. And suddenly everyone was much nicer to me, treated me a lot better. It was nice. Very nice.

    I went to school and at first I hated it because I was all alone in a big city, Philadelphia, with a stranger as my roommate. For a couple of months, I did fine in school but I was sooo lonely. Then, I started to make friends, and began to really like it there.

    Then the next fall, I had to find a place off campus because they only had guranteed housing for freshman at the time. I had to move out of the city because it was really expensive, and the commute was a nightmare, not to mention parking. I was all alone this time, no roommate at all. And that's bad for me. I for some reason cannot handle being alone very well. I hate it with a passion. Sometimes, I feel like I want to just be left alone, but when it comes right down to it, I hate it.

    Anyway, I fell apart here, got into a depression so deep, I couldn't attend school anymore, and dropped out that fall. The doctor I had then of course, her solution was to increase my dosage every single time I complained. I was on 150 mg of wellbutrin a day, and in two months, she increased it up to 400 mg. It didn't do any good either, I lied and told her it did because I didn't want it increased or switched to anything else. I'm so sick of medication. It's the magical solution to everything, but I hate the side effects, and then when you want to get off it, you can side effects from that too. That's cause it messes with your chemicals. Like when I took the birth control pill, the first month I was on that horrible thing, it made me sick so badly, I had to go to the hospital to get them to make the nausea stop cause I was dry heaving like mad. Needless to say, I discontinued that.

    Anyway, this was actually all just a little over two years ago...though it seems like forever to me. I've been through regular therapy until I got sick of my therapist and then of my doctor. I switched to spiritual therapy which helped for awhile, then again, I got sick of the person I was working with. It's like people can only help me to a point or something. I'm seeing a doctor now who is good but again I don't like the way doctors immediately put you on medication. It drives me nuts. They listen, then instantly pull out a sample for you try or write a prescription.

    I do miss my school actually but I don't know if I can go back or if it makes sense to go back or what I want period. My boyfriend proposed to me last year in June, and we were married this past July which makes things a little complicated. We've signed a year lease too so I can't go anywhere for awhile anyway. I don't have the money for school either, I have this feeling that my parents won't help me go back a third time but mainly cause of money issues. They're also getting divorced.

    I feel I'm mainly unhappy because I see my life as going nowhere. And not knowing what I want anyway doesn't help. I still want to do my art though.


     
    Old 10-13-2002, 12:22 PM   #6
    IsisAngel
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    Oh ffsmith,

    when you said...I too had the innocent excitement that your describe.
    So much so that I was a strange kid in grade school.
    But I think I lost some of that in grade school. I wonder if it is easier for girls to keep that part of themselves? What do you think? (I am male)

    Maybe so, maybe it's easier for girls to keep it in a world like this because this world teaches men to be "strong" and not "weak" and you know that childlike innocence is considered weak. But women seem to be looked at as weak anyway so it doesn't matter if we keep it. Unless we want to make in the part of the world that's reserved for men, then we have to get rid of it or not show it. And usually if you take on a certain personality, you become that person after awhile.

     
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