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Depression Message Board

I've lost all hope..


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Old 10-24-2002, 08:09 AM   #1
AnotherOne
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Angry I've lost all hope..

I know I'm acting selfish...I KNOW THAT. So I'm sorry but I dont have anyone to talk to at all since I'm ruining every single thing that ever meant anything to me...
I don't know why I'm here... I'm all alone... I have no life, and all I do is post this garbage online and think that things will get better..
I've lost another 5 pounds, and I can barely eat... (I weigh 115lb, and i'm 5'8...I'm a freaking stick)
I cant feel anything at all... I cant feel love, any sort of affection, I cant cry, I cant laugh, I cant smile, I can't anything...
Everything is going downhill and I dont know what I did to deserve this... I've prayed to God over and over, and I've read the Bible over and over, I tried so hard to fix my self, ALL BY MYSELF and this is where it has led me.
Because of my constant nagging and worthless talking, which I dont even consider anything good at all has messed up everything...
My bf works basically 24/7.... I didn't send him a very nice e-mail cause I thought it would help me... I'm so freakin selfish...
Everything in my life was so good...I couldn't complain...
Now I'm loosing every single thing.. No body understands me..
Ive pushed away my only friend which I thought was my best friend, and how can I call her when she only calls me when she needs something??
All I can do is stay in bed and miss another week of school so I can do stupid homeschooling so I wont have anyone at all...

And I'm being SO STUPID AND SELFISH... I have a great family, a caring boyfriend who puts up with this b.s., and this stupid negative thinking, constant nagging, complaining, because I'm SO SELFISH since I drop all my problems on my boyfriend and it doesn't do any good to the both of us...
I cant even feel anything at all right now. I dont even know if I care, if I really love, if the girl I was before is even the REAL me. If the girl that he fell in love with is the real me...
All I want in life is have a family with him and have a career...THATS ALL.
I never wanted much... and i took all those good feelings for granted...I'm so stupid.
ALl those nights on the phone with him for hours at a time I took for granted... I wish I could go back.
I wish I could just disappear..
I'm so worthless and selfish...
I'm a horrible girlfriend and I dont even know why he fell in love w/ me in the first place...I'm always making problems for us and he gets upset because he's working his butt off and being a man...and I act like some stupid immature lil girl who only wants comfort and that I'm so stupid and selfish...
I dont even think I can ever go back. Where I would smile when I'd think about my bf and the things I have... Now I just dont feel anything cause I push him away since I'm so stupid to thinking that he wont love me, when he does very much...
I only create problems and I doubt I can ever love again, eat, smile, sing, write, read anything at all..
I'm so selfish and I'm making a big deal out of this..
I bet there is a person who has been abused, raped, hurt more than me and they are smiling...
And I'm so selfish and a drama queen...
All I wanted to be is happy with what I have and look forward to the good things in life...
I never wanted much and God knows that... Yet I feel like I'll loose my bf, I'll lost my self, I'll lose everything...
I'm such a waste of time I dont even know why I'm here...

I'm sorry I'm nagging and complaining and being so selfish where there are people out there who are worse than me....
That just proves of how stupid I am...
I dont even know why I post this where I still feel numb..
I cant feel love....God..Why cant I feel love? Appreciation? Caring? Happiness? ANYTHING?
I don't even know if I'm faking all of this and I realy dont care...I honestly don't know who I am...
I just want to be like I was before...I doubt these medication will help me... That I will NEVER love, NEVER care, NEVER cry, laugh, smile or anything..

 
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Old 10-24-2002, 10:54 AM   #2
linus#1
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hey, take it easy...it's only life...you've gotta make an effort to look for the good...move beyond your anger and try to gain a positive outlook. stop blaming yourself for how you feel and start making things happen to change your life in a good way. Seek counseling, take medication, take up a hobby, do something nice for someone....just relax a little....

 
Old 10-24-2002, 12:56 PM   #3
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http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif ((((((((((((((((AnotherOne)))))))))))))) )) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Hang in there sweetie. Seek help, and the people you love will continue to support you in your fight against this wretched illness. It's not your fault. You will get through this.

StarCat

 
Old 10-24-2002, 01:11 PM   #4
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I really don't know..
I feel more numb like I dont care about anything...I dont even know if maybe I just changed and its not depression or something...I really dont know...

 
Old 10-24-2002, 02:32 PM   #5
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(((((((((((another))))))))))

 
Old 10-24-2002, 02:54 PM   #6
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Is it normal to doubt everything/everyone and be confused as well? I honesly don't know what to think anymore, or if im in denial about stuff or what not..
Im beginning to be physically/emotionally distance my self because of doubt and fear that ill end up even worse...all of those type of things... I dont know if its just my problem or depression...I dont know if the meds are allready kicking in or what...
Can certain thoughts/feelings durin depression affect the way you used to be or something? I hope not..
I really feel selfish..

[This message has been edited by AnotherOne (edited 10-24-2002).]

 
Old 10-24-2002, 03:16 PM   #7
west virginia girl
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STOP!!!!!!!!! young lady stop it right now! i don't like you talking about yourself like that. Listen to me and listen very carefully.... This is not you. It is depression. Please believe that. I feel the same way,the exact same way! But since I got on this medicine those feelings are starting to ease up some. There not there all the time,just like last night as you can tell my some posts i made i was feeling very happy I know you can't help what your feeling and it seems like your not feeling anything,but through all this you have to keep in mind that it's the depression,NOT YOU! depression is cruel and heartless and it brings you down and feel sad and even worse makes you feel nothing at all. you are a wonderful person (I just know I can tell) your family and boyfriend and everyone else has to understand that you need them and you can't help whats going on with you. i'm sure they are supportive of you and would do anything to help you,so take advantage of that. sometimes i think maybe this depression thing is happening to me cause in the past i did take things for granit,like when me and my hubsand was dating and even when we got married that maybe i took him and everything i had for granit..i would love to be the old me...but i have to deal with this,we have to deal with this and we are doing it together. i know it's hard to think anything good about yourself but good or bad your family and boyfriend loves you and you love them,you just can't feel and understand it all right now,it's a chemical imbalance i would say cause i have the same thing and i feel exactly the way you do and in the back of your mind i know your thinking she can't possibly know how i feel cause i don't even know but i say the same thing it will take time,no matter what take your medicine and have some faith that it will get better even if it's hard. take care sweetheart http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif ((((((((hugs))))))))))))

 
Old 10-24-2002, 03:16 PM   #8
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(((((((((((anotherone)))))))))))))))))
it's not you.....it's the depression i promise and i hope that the medicine will start working and it will totally make you better.

[This message has been edited by west virginia girl (edited 10-24-2002).]

 
Old 10-24-2002, 03:31 PM   #9
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thnx west virginia girl for your post..i appreciate it...
I really do hope this is depression.. Sometimes I think that I might be changing and this 'depression' is just an excuse... I just dont want to have doubts, fears and all of that garbage and instead of making it all about me, which ive always made it out to be..I wanna be able to give, care and love.. Because i feel bad since for a long time its always been about me in my relationship and i dont want it like that... But right now im just so scared that i wont feel like I did before... I would sometimes cry on the phone or have tears in my eyes cause my bf is so amazing....and right now I cant even hold a conversation, i cant even talk right for some reason...Holding a conversation is impossible... I dont know if maybe my doubts and fears or whatnot are going to change me or if I'll be the happy type of person I used to be...Or something... *sigh* I dont know..
I just want to make my bf happy and i wanna care for him because he has put up with my stuff for such a long time...Ive honestly acted selfish for a while and Im just confused out of my head...One minute I'm confident about my feelings, my relationship, my life... and the next im panicking and everything..
*Sigh* I dont know...
Sometimes Im not sure if I ever was in love in the first place...whether i ever cared, whether it was the real me when I was smling and happy...I honestly don't know...I avoid/push people away cause im afraid...then i question whether i liked them or whatnot in the first place..
Ive been on Wellbutrin SR since the 15th...Im not even sure whats the true me... Whther I never loved, never care and was always so selfish...or if I'm the other way....
I'm not sure... Right now I can only pray.

[This message has been edited by AnotherOne (edited 10-24-2002).]

[This message has been edited by AnotherOne (edited 10-24-2002).]

 
Old 10-24-2002, 03:42 PM   #10
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Let me ask you something....What would you do if your faith in god diminished? If everything about god and the bible you believed,you all of a sudden couldn't even believe in that anymore and it all seemed so fantasy and crazy to you. How do you think you would feel or handle it. i would really like to know cause i feel like you do but i have went a step further and have no faith anymore. what to do?
((((((((((hugs and ))))))))))))))))

 
Old 10-24-2002, 03:45 PM   #11
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Um... im sry i cant really say...Ive always believed in God.....*sigh* AHhh....
I'm so scared...How do I know i"m not changing or something??
Even when i would argue with my bf, I still felt love for him, and now EVERYBODY looks like...one dementional... Im mad cause i hate feeling this way, and at the same time im wonderin if this is depression or me..
I cant even talk to anybody...blah..

How long do you think these meds will start workin? I read 2-4 weeks or something...I'm so scared..
What if I wont find my bf attractive anymore or ANYONE fun anymore? I'm so lost...grrr...

I have a question... So all those times before that I didnt worry and was happy and all of that, that's the true me? This depression and stuff durin depression cant change me can they??

I'm sorry, i talk too much.

 
Old 10-24-2002, 07:33 PM   #12
west virginia girl
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See i'm having all the feelings you are but i'm also having trouble with the one thing that always gave me comfort,and that was god. I'm all http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif

 
Old 10-24-2002, 08:03 PM   #13
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chrysanthemum, are u positive??
I think I totally messed up all of my love for him...I dont know if this is depression...
For weeks ive spent thinkin about him and this problem because the depression (if it was, i dont even know anymore) caused me to feel numb and like nothing mattered to me... I really dont know anymore.
I cant even love right now....what if this deprsesion made me fall out of love? What if i never loved in the first place? I really dont know... Then tonight I started believing in and im so scared, I thought depression cant change you... I want to love him and care for him and make him happy, but i feel like I cant and I dont want to or something...I really don't know anymroe. I'm so scared I just want to disappear. I dont know what i even want, or ever wanted. I dont even know what caused this depression...I dont know if I worried too much and it became worse when he moved and I tried to fix my self...
The week when I didnt have any meds because my liver had to be okay again, i started pushing him away from my head because i was afraid that I would get hurt or something, and i feel so stupid cause i know he loves me and cares for me. Then i started feeling like, "I dont remember the last time I felt love" and then I started believing it, and I'm so scared. I feel so stupid, cold and ashamed. We've been together for almost 8 months and through everything, even when he went to visit his family for a while I was happy and loving... I dont want this changing me, and I dont want this depression to change me... I cant see my self feeling the same again, and I'm so scared. what if im just in denial and this depression isnt there? What if I'm making depression up? What if I'm using it as an excuse?? I dont undersatnd, I cant feel anything except just....These thoughts over and over for days and days. I dont want to believe depression but im starting to and i dunno what to do...I'm so confused I honestly don't want to be here...
Has anyone gone through this? Im so scared. I dont want this to happen, I dont want this depression yet I dont feel scared or sad or anything, its like I dont care at all... What if I never had depression and I just made it all up? Im so confused, I honestly don't know how to feel anything. I hate this, I hope it wont change me or something...I have a feeling it allready has...But what if I was different in the first place??? I cant even cry anymore...
I'm so sorry for this, i really dont know what to believe...I honestly dont.
Its hard to even talk right now, i cant even cry if I wanted to....what if I'm making up all of this depression and Im only saying these things?? What if theres nothing wrong with me and Ive been in denial about everything? omg..

 
Old 10-24-2002, 08:07 PM   #14
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btw...ive tried stopping them. my mom has told me over and over to do something, to concentrate on something else. And the thing is, when I do try, i start thinking "That means I dont care about him, or anything else" cause im not thinkin it...
I really think I'm crazy or just obsessive or something..
I dont even feel like...alarmed about this....Jesus Christ, I really dont know why I'm here if I just basically want to disappear.
I feel so ashamed, cause because of all of this I want to enjoy looking at his pictures and feeling the same again, listnenin to his songs and enjoying his voice, his letters.... Its like everybody is a stranger to me....Jesus, I dont know what to do What if i cant ever be the same again? What if I never loved anything and just made this depression up so I can feel the same thing again??
What if I'm actually OKAY and just dont love at all anymore? And think this is depression? I dont know what to believe and I dont know...I want to go to bed and never wake up again...
I want to want to hug him and kiss him and just tell him I love him and just listen to what he has to say.... I dont know anymore..

I'm so sorry i type too much...Maybe I just want the attention... I don't know anymore.... I dont know whether to be sad, happy, confused.....whatever....=\
I'm really sorry for this

[This message has been edited by AnotherOne (edited 10-24-2002).]

 
Old 10-24-2002, 08:41 PM   #15
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Hi...
I hope the medication will help these things to go away...
Cause at the point its like...love is hard for me to feel or even express it... Im not even sure anymore...Im confused, and I dont know...*sigh* Im scared... Has anyone gone through this?
Everything looks plain to me...Im not sure how to feel anymore or if the depression is causing this or is it really me.... =\
I'm really really not sure anymore..

[This message has been edited by AnotherOne (edited 10-24-2002).]

 
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