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New here - ~sigh~

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Old 10-25-2002, 06:53 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 6
JustaMom HB User
Unhappy New here - ~sigh~

I was diagnosed several years ago (about 9) with clinical depression. Since then, I've been on Prozac, Zoloft, and now Paxil. Was also prescribed Xanax for panic attacks and Xyprexa as a "sleep aid" (racing thoughts - I also have a touch of OCD - lucky me!)

I was doing great on the Paxil, but every few months I just crash. This is one of those times. I have spent the majority of the day in bed sobbing. I hate feeling this way - I feel like a worthless failure in every aspect of my life. I have three WONDERFUL kids and I hate for them to see me "sad". My SO tries to understand, but how can he when *I* don't even understand it?

I was seeing a LCSW who was great, but stopped going several months ago - time constraints (we have 5 kids between the SO and I) and money issues.

I just want to know WILL THIS EVER GET BETTER??? I feel like I do fine for awhile, then like I said, I crash.... It's getting worse with each "episode". What started as random "suicidal thoughts" have now become planning, thinking, figuring out different scenerios... the only thing saving me is my kids, and I often think they would be better off without me.

Can anyone relate and offer advice or support?? I just want to be NORMAL for once.

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Old 10-25-2002, 07:05 PM   #2
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 6
JustaMom HB User

I guess I should give more background, maybe...

My dad is an alcoholic Vietnam Vet whom I haven't seen in 24 years. My mom is a whack-job-religious-zealot (no offense to any religious zealots here! ). My sister is 12 years older than me (I'm 33) and told me tonight when we were talking "Well, you were abused. By everyone. When you were a child." and I practically BEGGED her to give me more info - as I have very (VERY) few memories of my childhood to age 10. She danced around it, then had to go - said she'd be back later and we would talk about it. I honestly don't think that ALL of my problems could be from abuse that was 25+ years ago! I am an ADULT now, with children of my own. *I* am responsible for who and what I am NOW. And I'm *nothing* in my own eyes.

Old 10-25-2002, 08:01 PM   #3
west virginia girl
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Location: west virginia
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west virginia girl HB User

hi sweetie, first of all you do know that the way you feel and the episodes you have aren't your fault,thats it's the depression. i also have learned that a person can be depressed over things they don't even know there depressed over so maybe subconiounsly you do remember some things about your childhood. I don't understand it all but i do know where your coming from about the dad part, my dad has never been in my life,he walks right past me on the street and we don't even acknowledge each other. i would deffently get some help sweetie,just a therapist or someone to talk with and help you sort things out and maybe your sister could go with you. I wish i could make a magic pill to make everybodys pain and suffering go away and if i could i would give them for free, it's just not fair that the world is like it is.

Old 10-25-2002, 08:36 PM   #4
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: tulsa, okla. usa
Posts: 7
twnmmy HB User

know exactly how you feel. the other morning after stepping over toys to get to the kitchen i looked over and one of my kids was coloring in my new address book. (which i had spent the last 2 days redoing) i just started crying, and cried for days. needless to say the boys thought i was losing my mind. (maybe i am)
just a note to let you know you're not alone

Old 10-25-2002, 08:38 PM   #5
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 6
JustaMom HB User

Thanks to you all....

Yes, I know it's the depression and not "me"...but it feels like this rules my life. Even when I'm "ok", I have come to learn that it's just a matter of time before I spiral downward again. I can feel it coming on, like you can feel a headache just beginning, ya know? I felt it earlier this week - I was crankier than usual, snapping at the SO and losing interest in things... But every time it really "hits" me, it still catches me off-guard - if that makes any sense.

My sister is out of the state - we were talking online. I wish she could go with me to counselling - she is much older and remembers things that I don't... As for subconsciously remembering, I don't know. That seems so foreign to me! I mean, she can tell me about things that happened, and it's like I'm hearing it about someone else's life - does that make sense?? It doesn't spark ANY real recollection of my own, just like hearing a story about someone else. Very weird....

I was a psych major, so I *know* all the *stuff* about depression and dealing with it - it's just harder when it's YOU and not someone in a textbook. I don't know what changes to make to head off the "attacks" - and thats what they feel like. I have to tell my ex to pick the kids up, because I don't like them seeing me weepy and upset and not able to understand why. Once I have a good day of crying, I feel somewhat better. Like today, I was crying off and on all day, and nothing and everything. The house is quiet tonight (all the kids and SO are out) so I took a bubble bath, tried to relax, do something for me - all those things you're suppose to do. But as I sat there soaking in the tub, I thought "You don't deserve this! You don't deserve to pamper yourself when you can't even take care of your own kids for one night!" That's the OCD part - the obsessive thoughts of worthlessness, my shrink said. I try to tell myself that I DO deserve it, but I don't believe it really.

How does one go about repairing self esteem?? I've been unemployed for over a year. I had a great job, was married, have been through a divorce, major surgery, lost everything except my babies. I worry OBSESSIVELY over money - I keep thinking "If I just had enough money, I'd feel better." but I know that's a quick-fix. (But boy, it sure would help! )

My sister says that the root of my problems is my self-esteem. I'm pretty (I can see that when I'm not "down", I'm smart, I have wonderful kids and a man that loves me. But I still see myself through MY eyes - and I'm still a little girl who is begging people to love her - even when they already do. How pathetic does that sound??

[This message has been edited by JustaMom (edited 10-25-2002).]

Old 10-26-2002, 03:41 AM   #6
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Maine, USA
Posts: 340
simby HB User

hi mom and welcome to the boards.

i don't have any words of wisdom right now but wanted to say hi.

(the truth is out there)

Old 10-26-2002, 12:14 PM   #7
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 15
tigeranne HB Usertigeranne HB User

hey mom, it's good you're posting and getting some support. like chrys (sp?) said, it might be really helpful to have a therapist to talk to, a) to see what kind of things you are telling yourself - for example, why would a wonderful woman like you NOT deserve a night off? i dont' think it is written anywhere that the best moms don't need a break!! my friends ask me if the way i talk to myself is the way i would talk to someone i love....b) can't remember, you probably mentioned this, but maybe your antidepressant mix needs to be adjusted - a matter of brain chemistry and certainly not you! i keep getting reminded from friends that people with cancer need certain meds and that doesn't make them a "weak or bad" person, people with diabetes need insulin, doesn't mean there is anything weak or incompetent about them, and those of us with depression sometimes need meds, too, doesn't say anything about who we are. i don't know if you have one, but county mental health centers usually have a sliding scale, and can in many cases "slide" down to $5-10. maybe whoever does your meds can tell you if there is such an agency - have a wonderful day! annie

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