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Depression Message Board

It's been awhile-----


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Old 10-27-2002, 07:08 PM   #1
Candee
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Question It's been awhile-----

Sounds like a song by Creed, yes? You probably thought that by my being in the psych ward awhile back totally cured me and that I have forgotten all about this board. Nope--it's not going to be that easy. Haven't been on the computer much lately have tried to do some other things which I thought would be beneficial to getting over my depression--a lot of the things you all have suggested. I've made my depression groups twice a week, kept my therapy apps., managed to get most of my grocery shopping done--started knitting and oil painting, reading but my attention span and concentration level won't seem to let me stay at these for long--find myself flitting from one thing to another. I'm still moping and caught up in my own head a lot which prevents things from getting done. I'm not as intense as I was a few weeks ago when I just wanted to constantly scream for someone to help me. Guess I have accepted the fact that I will be alone a lot whether I like it or not. I feel that the Effexor isn't doing it's job as far as depression--the Klonipin they gave me has helped my anxiety a bit. I seem to have 3 on going moods--sad, mad and jealous of healthy people. I'm still sleeping a lot 12 hour days and at times a nap on top of that. I do not like myself this way--my lack of concentration makes me feel stupid. I hate the thought of weaning off of Effexor and trying something else but I need to do something. I did a lot of crying today and in a way it was cleansing but tonight just feel totally SAD! Does depression make you feel sick all over like flu? I do have other health concerns going on though so many they are hard to sort out. I am just feel so sad tonight--almost grieving like I have lost something really important to me--myself perhaps? Last year when the weather started getting chilly and the time changed like today I could take a nice hot bath, get into my cuddley nightie with my furry slippers and feel like my home was a safe haven--I was alone then too cause hubby was working. Now my home seems like a prison, nothing gives me pleasure and at times it's unbearable--then I try to analyze--WHY WHY WHY and get even more wigged out. Gotta be a mind thing, right--attitude, right? I just wanted to say hey and connect tonight. Read a post by Mom and could really relate. I just wish all of this needless suffering for all of us would just go away. I'm going to feed my animals, take a bath and then hit the sack around 11PM or so. Candee from Kansas

 
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Old 10-27-2002, 08:31 PM   #2
west virginia girl
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you know i can relate to alot of how other people feel on here and feel the exact same way they do but your post was almost to much for me to read,i have read it three times and cryed. candee,when all this stuff started i did nothing but want to run around and scream for people to help me. and i actually did cause i didn't know what in the world was going on with me and i'm still not sure if i know. i went to a different doctor almost everyday for about five days because i totally though i was losing my mind,but i remember setting on the porch one night and i told my hubsand these exact words...i just feel like screaming for someone to help me. i just woke up one morning and felt like i was totally out of control and just totally losing it but my doc said the depression was probably there for a long time,i don't want to relive those days right now cause there just to hard to think about but things aren't a whole lot better but i am on effexor also,i take two 75mg pills a day and they also have me on seoquel for mood disorder. i just wanted to tell you that your post really hit me hard cause i feel the same way.

 
Old 10-27-2002, 08:54 PM   #3
Candee
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Thanx for relating--I have read some of your posts WVG and you sound as desperate as I am. Maybe I'm the impatient type but this crappy stuff feels so bad I want help and I want it NOW~!~ I cannot even begin to explain the hell it has put me through. Perhaps we're on the wrong meds--I too am on Effexor 150mg. and seroquel for anxiety-hum-m-m-m. Honey, hopefully one of these days we'll laugh about this? I sure cannot see that now. I felt so bad a few weeks back I put myself in the psyche ward for 2 days so I wouldn't hurt myself. I would not wish this on my worst enemy!! I'm here for ya hon--perhaps we can find a big ball of hope for better days!!! Candee

 
Old 10-28-2002, 12:26 AM   #4
west virginia girl
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(((((candee)))
it's funny we are taking the same medicines,i don't think they are helping that much. i use to wake up every morning for about 2 1/2 weeks straight and run outside and do nothing but set on my swing and smoke. i have derealization very bad along with the anxiety and depression. it all sucks!!!does the seoquel make you really sleepy? i didn't think depression could make you feel like this,i figured you would just feel sad and mope around or something and it can but buddy does it do a heck of alot more. when i had panic attacks i thought i was going crazy but when this crap started i'm tellin you i went nuts!i ran to the doctor everyday and i even had my friend take me to a hospital 50 miles away where they have a phycitrist on call all the time. i just wanted to find out what was wrong with me. i called crisis lines almost every morning. i finally got into a mental health facility as an out patient and started therapy there and i'm seeing there doctor,he's a pycitrist and tomorrow will be the second time i see him,i don't know even what to tell him tomorrow,i mean he said he wanted to know how i felt....well i don't know. i don't feeling anything except unreal and confused. i guess i just tell him that. the first time i saw the doc i told him, i will give you all the money i have if you just make me better.(glad he didn't know i don't have much money) this one doctor i went to when all this started i just went to her and said things aren't real,theres something wrong with me,please help me and she looked at me and said you know the things your thinking aren't right. the more i think about that the madder i get...duh,i know the crap i think is messed up but she's suppose to comfort me but she made me feel more crazier than i already was.then another doctor i went to put me on medicine and like i said the next day i would go back and beg for help so he would take me off that medicine and put me on something else,i didn't give any of the medicine time to work but i was despertley in need of help. needless to say i was on about five different medicine in less than a week.i think is how it was.i didn't know anything about depression then except what i thought it was, the doctors failed to inform me but none of the doctors really ever told me what it was for sure i had till i went to this mental health place. the doc there said depression would make me question everything,and i totally question everything,why am i here? why is the world here? and so on and so on. since 17 years old it seems like i have had something wrong with me,all that time it was anxiety and then august the 7th of this year the depression works its way in. the first time i ever smoked pot was at 17 and the unreality feeling has never went away since then,it really bad now though. everything i believed in like god and heaven has slipped away and i don't know why. nothing seems real or nice to me anymore,everything is so ugly,i have no hope and i can't pretend like i do anymore. i feel so uncomfortable and nervous all the time,like i'm always waiting for something to happen. i feel like i'm gonna wake up from a dream or something.i'm sorry i have wrote so much but when i read your post and you hit it right on the nail about wanting people to help you,that got to me because those were my exact words,but i hope so much that this goes away and we can be ok again,thats all i wanna be is ok.

[ ~~ Sorry, west virginia girl, references to suicide are not permitted and discussion of self-injury must be confined to the "Self-Injury Recovery forum. ~~ Thanks, Minerva

[This message has been edited by minerva (edited 10-28-2002).]

 
Old 10-29-2002, 11:53 AM   #5
west virginia girl
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I'm wondering how you are candee? I hope you are doing wonderful

((((((((candee chrys))))))))))

 
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