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Families in general

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Old 11-01-2002, 03:08 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: St. Louis, MO USA
Posts: 136
MudPuppy HB User
Post Families in general

I read Kaities post and felt I needed to get something out of my chest as well.
When something bad happens in our family, I am usually the last one to find out. It's actually worse than that. My father has had three heart attacks in the last 20 years. Two of them I was told long after he had the attacks and was dismissed from the hospital. I found out 10 years after the fact that my older brother was in jail. My grandmother on my mom's side died and I found out a week later. Now I just found out yesterday (Oct.31) that my favorite aunt had died back on October 15th.
Why is it that I can't get news faster? I realize I'm not living in the same state as my family, but is that any reason not to tell me? Can I swap parents with anyone of you out there? Please???
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. I just don't like that they don't tell me these things soon after they happen.
I just needed to get that out of my system. Maybe that was why I was so down in the middle of the month.

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Old 11-01-2002, 04:18 PM   #2
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 197
Amy42601 HB User

I think it's a parent's need to continue to "protect" their children, even though that child is now an adult and doesn't need it. I don't think they do it knowingly. They probably don't want to make you worry but they maybe don't realise that in NOT telling you sooner, it potentially makes it worse.

When my mom was dying of cancer, I phoned her literally a week before I "got the call" and she swore up and down she was fine and that she wasn't going to die. A week later, I'm flying home to be with her because her cancer is inoperable and she's on drugs to keep her brain matasties from swelling and killing her. I asked her why (while she still had her wits about her)she didn't tell me, and she said she didn't want me to worry. I don't think she realised that I was MORE worried and I actually felt a bit cheated that I wasn't told sooner so I could prepare myself mentally for what was to eventually happen.

Anyway, that's my opinion.

Hope you're well...


Old 11-01-2002, 07:07 PM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Williams, Az.usa
Posts: 377
Kokopelli HB User

Hey muddy,

My family is the same way.. they didn't tell me about my life long friend who killed himself, for a year and finally they told me. I thought that was pretty bad. being too protective can sometimes hender because it makes you feel your not good enough to know. least thats how I feel.


Old 11-01-2002, 11:59 PM   #4
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Tulsa OK USA
Posts: 403
bev52 HB User

So sorry Mudpup, but, hey, my family pulled a real doozy this week too.....I don't know what's going on - is it a full moon?

Hope you can talk to them and make them understand that you need to feel that you're a part of what is going on and you're not a piece of Lalique crystal that's going to break if someone hits a high note.

Keep you in my thoughts.

Big Warm Fuzzy Hugs **************{MudPuppy}}}}}}}}

Old 11-02-2002, 10:47 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: watertown,wi,usa
Posts: 774
ffsmith HB User

Hi MudPuppy and every one else,

My family is the same way.

With my father’s heart attacks and my mothers nose surgery, trips, vacations and any other happenings. The list is longer than I can remember.

Amy42601 is probably right about the protection aspect and chrysanthemum has a point about them just seeing you as too sick or depressed to treat like a normal human being.

Kokopelli I would be interested to know if after a year they just told you out of the blue or did the topic come up some how?

And bev52 you have good advice. I have tried what you said about telling them that I need to feel part of the family many many times.

What happens then is that my mother will go out of her way for a few weeks or up to a month to give me detailed family news. The complete change in behavior is awkward and different but not bad or unwanted. But then with time I am again ignored.

The way I was treated had me feeling very angry, annoyed and frustrated with my parents and my family. I was constantly trying to show my parents that their behavior was really hurting me and asking for apologies and more consideration.
They were not able to give this or to change their behavior.

So I have come to the point of seeing that this is just the way my parents are. They are not able to be close to me like they are with their other children. They are not able to include me in their family.

So in February of 1999, I formalized the unspoken way I was treated. I asked my parents to write 1 page describing their intentions for the year 2000 for a business that I had been promised that I would be able to operate in 1992 and had been working at every year.

See it got to the point where did not even care what the plans were. Their actions made the plans perfectly clear to me. The point was I WANTED TO BE INFORMED AND FEEL LIKE PART OF THE FAMILY.

I made the ultimatum that until I got the 1-page I would be quit trying to be a part of the family because this effort caused me so much pain.

And that was it my parents took the opportunity to not do any thing and finally get rid of me (on an emotional level).

It is sad to have living relatives and not be able to be part of the family but I remember how frustrated before when I tried and tried to fit in?

I do not know if I did the right thing but I do feel I made a choice and that was right for the circumstances. And things did become clearer, and I was able to give up on trying to be a part of a family that just hurt me over and over?
Even though I still feel the pain today?

Well that is enough rambling… sorry if I got off topic

Old 11-02-2002, 10:56 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: watertown,wi,usa
Posts: 774
ffsmith HB User

Oh yea my other point was how does your family act after such a long time?
Especially Kokopelli and MudPuppy?

My family acts surprised that I did not know the family news or history!!!
Then they blame me for not being interested in the family.

Like it is my fault for not reading their mind and asking every day
“who is sick, who is dead, who is pregnant, who got hurt, what is happening”

God that is soooo frustrating when they blame me for their disrespectful actions.

Obviously it is an hot button topic for for me too (Still)

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