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  • uncontrollable feelings of anger, need help

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    Old 03-31-2003, 03:39 PM   #1
    IamSoAngry
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    Question need help

    how does someone deal with uncontrollable anger and hate? i used to be pretty mellow, but anymore i'm like a time bomb, i explode over everything. can be the smallest, dumbest thing, or the biggest, hardest thing, either way i snap. it started slowly, but has turned into something fierce. i can't seem to calm the anger, or the hate.... i can feel it growing inside me. sounds stupid, i know, but i can feel myself changing........ sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind, other itmes i wonder if i already have lost it. its almost like watching an animal with rabies. everyday he just goes more insane, and finally one day he just snaps... i feel like that animal, and i don't know what to do anymore. have i really gone nuts, or am i on my way???

     
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    Old 03-31-2003, 04:18 PM   #2
    rivergirl301
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    I don't know if you are really going crazy, but I doubt it. You realize that you are having a problem controlling your emotions. That sounds pretty sane to me, that you have that realization.

    I know there's an anger management support group on these "health boards."

    But, I think a lot of depressed people have anger, too. I know one of my symptoms is irritability, and when you're irritable, you're usually po'd about something.

    Is it something specific that sets you off? Or are you mad at everything in general?

     
    Old 03-31-2003, 05:03 PM   #3
    IamSoAngry
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    hi river, thank you for replying. its just everything. if i stump my toe i get ticked, if i drop something i go off, if i'm driving and someone is going too slow, too fast... it just doesn't matter anymore what it is.... i lose it. i really hate being this way, yet at the same time, i don't know why i am this way. i used to be mellow, it took ALOT to make me mad, now i act completely insane over stupid things.... over everything! it started off slow, i jusst started noticing certain things would make me mad, that used to didn't bother me, but over time i noticed more and more got added to the list. everyday i can actually feel another part of me harden, the thing that scares me is theres not alot left before i'll be completely numb... full of hate and anger. everyday i get more anger, and it seems the part of me thats got sense is slowly disappearing. i truely feel like i'm going completely mad, but i don't know why. i can't figure out, or remember what actually started this hate and anger, and i get even more mad because i don't know how to stop it. i am turning very violent, all i want to do is destroy things... fight, argue. i hate myself for what i'm becoming, and i fight with myself not to continue "changing" but i can't stop it.

     
    Old 04-01-2003, 10:25 AM   #4
    coffeecrazy
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    Have you by chance been dealing w/ any deaths in your family or circle of friends? Doesn't have to be a recent one either....could be someone that died several years ago but you are still trying to sort through emotions connected to it. Or by chance have you gone through any sort of traumatic event? Anger can be a direct emotion relating to things of this. I too have always dealt w/ depression...my emotions cycle ALL DAY....it goes back to my child hood and I'm dealing w/ that. However in the past couple of years I too started dealing w/ extreme anger much like what you write off. I started forgetting things easily when I never used too...many of my symptoms resembled that of ADD; in fact my previous Meds counselor thought I was dealing w/ that. However now I'm working w/ a new psychiatrist and he has been looking at many things for me. One thing he has come up w/ for me is called "adjustment disorder". Basically I don't adjust well or know how to cope w/ lifes stresses...big or small. The way I "cope" ends up hurting me in the long run. I'm still trying to come to terms w/ my friend's suicide and that took place 10 yrs. ago. Also my uncle died a yr. ago and I've never allowed myself to deal w/ that. But trying to come to terms w/ these two deaths...about the time they started to weigh on me is about the time the anger kicked in and all the other symptoms. Anyway. Just one area to explore if by chance it fits for you. If not...sorry I couldn't help but good luck to you!

     
    Old 04-01-2003, 12:47 PM   #5
    rivergirl301
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    Well, now, first of all, don't hate yourself. I think change comes from a positive place within yourself, but it's not too positive to hate yourself. You probably just hate what is happening to you and the way you feel.

    While I think that anger and irritability can be a part of a chemical depression, I think at some point, you've got to say--the anger isn't your fault, but controlling it is your responsibility. I don't mean like positive thinking your way out of a serious mental illness. But, anger feeds on itself so easily. I know when my anger begins to get out of control, I have to stop and say, I cannot feel this way any longer. I just can't take it one more second. I'm going to let it go. Yes, it's a struggle and not that easy to accomplish. Probably takes practice and wouldn't work the first time you tried it.

    Also, maybe you are not mad enough yet, as in rock bottom. Maybe you are supposed to be feeling this way right now, in order to reach a point where you learn something. I know you feel terrible and I hope my suggestions aren't too simplistic. It's just what has worked for me.

     
    Old 04-01-2003, 02:29 PM   #6
    nicks
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    Hey Soangry,

    I also have a lot of trouble with anger. Usually on the road, but also in general. It used to be worse, I think I'm getting better at controlling it as I get older. It's interesting that you say it seems like you're going crazy; I've said the same thing to my wife after chasing some jerk who flipped me off on the roadway. My problem is, something will happen that should just be a passing annoyance and I'll read stuff into it and blow it out of proportion.
    Like that guy that flipped me off. He was probably having a bad day, percieved that I was following too closely (although I wasn't) and was venting his frustration toward me. Logically, I know this is likely the case and if I do nothing and just forget it, nothing happens. But in my mind, that guy has something against me, just like those SOBs that used to pick on me as a child (I was a short, skinny, nerdy kid). He's challenging me. I'll show him!
    So I chase after this guy and the ego war starts. He pulls over expecting to exchange a few words and do some chest pounding. I jump out and start toward his car, screaming at the top of my lungs every obscenity I can think of, I look like a lunatic. The guy decides I'm out of control and flees. So I win right? Wrong. I feel so bad about my behavior that I feel really down.
    Now when I get upset at someone, I tell myself to imagine that person in the best possible light. That they aren't out to get me. It ain't easy, but when somebody cuts me off or does something to annoy me, and I react by doing nothing, I feel really good and I'm one step closer to being the person I want to be not the person I used to be.
    My ramblings may not do anything to help you, but it helps to know there are other people like me. Good luck.

    -Nick

     
    Old 04-01-2003, 06:28 PM   #7
    IamSoAngry
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    thank you all for taking th etime to respond to my post. you will not know how much i appreciate it. although i wish none of suffered from these feelings, it is nice to know i'm not alone.
    coffeecrazy- yes, my father died when i was 12 years old. he was in a car accident, and didn't make it through. my baby brother was also in a real bad wreck last week, he suffered a severe concussion, but at the hospital he truely looked like he was dying, it scared me. i felt my world crumble that day, and realized too that i still had unresolved issues with my dads death. rivergirl- i have tried that a few times, and it is very hard. i haven't gotten to where i can control it yet, but i plan to keep working on it. hopefully i can settle all of these feelings soon.
    nicks- that is how i have been. i take things personal, and after i react i always feel bad about what i did or said (or even both most of the time). i'm hoping i will find what is making me turn so mean and be able to fix it. these past few months i've been running around acting like i just escaped a looney bin sometimes i think that may be where i belong.
    i can totally relate to every responce i've read.... its amazing how different, yet how much alike people can be. i went to my councelling appointment today, my councelor said i have nothing but pure hate running through my veins right now..... she's putting me in anger management classes. in a way it kind of ****** me off, but deep down i think i know i need it...... its just gonna be so time consuming with me already being so busy with 4 kids. i'll have 3 nights a week and 2 days a week.... pretty much, i'll have to go everyday, now i have to figure out the babysitter thing. in 2 weeks i get put on meds for my depression, she claims my anger is linked with my depression. anyway, thank you all so much for helping me. i can not tell you how much it means to me. yall take care of yourselves, and i'll be writing again soon. thank you and God bless!

     
    Old 04-01-2003, 07:25 PM   #8
    rivergirl301
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    Very sorry for the turmoil you've been through. You are taking a step in the right direction by facing this head on, and you should really be proud of yourself. I'm glad you got a good response to your post, and a lot of us hope you are feeling more calm and in control soon.

     
    Old 04-02-2003, 07:48 PM   #9
    Amelia76
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    Hi, I have to say that it's really great that you are stepping up to the plate and ready to battle your problem. Just keep in mind that it really is likely to be a chemical imbalance.

    Have you studied much on Bi-polar disorder? When you first start reading you'll likely say.. Oh no.. that's not me,. but I encourage you to really step up and thoroughly investigate.. talk to a psychiatrist about how you are feeling. What you are describing is very very familiar to me and I have a long list of Bipolar diagnosis in my family. Including myself... fortunately for my children.. I am the only one in my family that hasn't denied it when faced with it. It's completely unbelieveable not only for you to not have a clue what it is that's going to set you off... but for the people around you.

    Keep your strength, you're doing great.

     
    Old 04-03-2003, 02:44 PM   #10
    IamSoAngry
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    rivergirl- hi. thank you. i am definitely working on it, hopefully now i can start understanding what my problem is, and fix my anger. thank you so much, and God bless!
    amelia76- hi. thank you. i haven't read anything on bi-polar yet, but you are the 4th person who has mentioned it to me. i am going to the library monday to find a book on it. i have never been diagnosed as bi-polar, but my mom, aunt, grandmother (and a long list of others on my moms side) all have been. i am hoping that is not what i have... depression has been hard enough for me to deal with, i don't know if i could handle anything "new". but then again, it would help explain what is wrong with me. all i do know, is whatever it is, wherever it came from.... its litterly driving me mad. i hate how i feel, and i feel so bad for my kids because they get the bad end of the deal so often here lately. they do not see me happy or in a good mood much anymore, my moods swing so fast no one even sees it coming... not even me. i try so hard to control it, but right now its out of control. i feel like a failure to them (my babies) and that just makes me worse. it seems the sadder i feel, the madder i get. i truely don't understand it, but i hate it. i don't want my babies thinking i just want to be mean and hateful, because i truely don't, i just want to be me again. i am so afraid by the time we figure out what is wrong with me, and get it fixed, my girls are going to hate me. everything crawls under my skin anymore.... it doesn't matter what it is. i got stuck at a red light today, and my car shut off.... i went completely crazy. i started screaming and cussing... i feel like such an idiot anymore. i act like a complete psycho over things that aren't even important.... i am getting violent. maybe i am just a failure. i love my kids to death, they are my world, my every breath... i thank God every day for blessing me with 2 beautiful girls, they do not deserve to be yelled at. they will never know how many times i cry because of how i am acting, they will never know the pain i feel everyday that i act like an *ss hole to them (i never beat them, that is one thing i can honestly say that i don't do... i do not physically hurt my kids, although i know the mental abuse from seeing me in a bad mood 24/7 is just as bad.... i do not hit them though) they will never know just how much i love them, and how much i wish i could change back to me. i know they are confused, that they don't understand why i am so mean, and that it hurts them to see me so stressed out all the time (for me to lose my patience with them so easily)... i just wish they knew that i feel just as confused and hurt, and i don't understand what is wrong with me anymore than they do. sorry i rambled on, i am just so messed up in my head.... i don't know whats going on anymore.

     
    Old 04-04-2003, 07:01 PM   #11
    IamSoAngry
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    Angry here we go again....... now what?!

    this is what i'm talking about. i get ****** off over the most simple things, yet even though i am aware of it, i can't stop the anger from growing. last friday me and my boyfriend went out. that was my first night out in something like a year.... i loved the break. i told him 3 days ago that i wanted to go out again this weekend. tonight i had him call his mom to see if she could watch the kids (i have 2 of my own, 8 and 6, and i am taking care of my neice and nephew, 3 and 18 months). she said she could not watch all 4 kids tonight, but she could tomorrow night (but she would be cancelling her plans to watch them for us to go out). honestly, i didn't want to wait until tomorrow night anyway, i wanted to go out tonight. i was trying to think of someone trustworthy to come to my house and watch the kids when my baby brother (19) offered to watch all of the kids (they were all going to bed anyway, my 2 would have been asleep by the time we left). i asked him if he was sure, and he said "yes, go. you need it." i was ready to accept his offer, but my boyfriend tells him no. i am beyond ******. the more i think about it, the more mad i get. i am stuck in this house 24/7, other than kids doctors appointments, and grocery shopping. i have no "alone" time. my days are with my neice and nephew (throughout week, and on weekends its mine and my neice and nephew) and my nights are with my kids and my neice and nephew. by the time all the kids are asleep for the night, its close to 10:30 or 11:00 (thats IF my neice and nephew sleep all night. usually one or both are up every few hours), and my mornings start at 6:30, when i get my girls up for school, and half the time i've already been awake because either my niece or my nephew will wake up somewhere between 4 and 6 in the morning. i need a break. i'm tired of the same old everyday sh*t. wake up, get kids ready for school, drop them off, come home, wake up everyone for work, niece and nephew are already awake, so i change diapers, get their breakfast ready, clean, change more diapers, clean some more (go to doctors appoinments, grocery shopping whenever needed) fight neice and nephew to take a nap (never at same time, and never more than 30 minutes... if that long) my kids come home from school, we do homework, i clean more, cook dinner, clean again, get kids bathed and ready for bed, fight neice and nephew to go to bed, clean some more, watch tv, wait for kids to go to sleep, i take shower, i go to bed, and wake up and do it all over again...... not to mention the screaming and crying i put up with all day, or my neice crapping herself and hiding so she can wipe it all over herself and my carpet, and my walls. i go through alot, and i feel i deserve a break every once in a while. hell up until last week i haven't had one in a year. it never used to bother me, but here lately i NEED a break... an escape for a little while. i know in most peoples eyes, one more day isn't anything, but to me its like an eternity. don't get me wrong, i love my kids and my neice and nephew to death, but with all of these new feelings of anger and hate, i need time for me.... for my sanity. maybe i am just turning into a rotten person, maybe theres nothing wrong with me but me... i don't know, i really have no clue. i don't know whats wrong with me, or why it started, or what happened that made it start, but i can't stop it.... i've tried, and i get so angry (like now) but i can't stop from being mad. i get so mad at my boyfriend that i despise him sometimes. he gets breaks, he goes and shoots pool. granted the past couple of weeks he hasn't done it but once or twice, but before that he was going everyother day and would stay gone for 5 or more hours each time he went. i started getting irrate, and we argued, and he's stopped going so much... but he still goes. he still has his "free time", and honestly that makes me mad. wheres my "free time"? wheres an offer to watch the kids for an hour so i can take a walk, or go to the store BY MYSELF, or just anything that gives me a break.... i don't get any, and i NEED it. i am going crazy. maybe i'm just a terrible person, maybe i'm totally in the wrong.... all i know is i haven't been myself lately, and its not getting any better. its already way passed being bad..... sometimes i cannot stand myself, how i act, or how i feel. i am in a rage over being stuck here tonight. i have already yelled and cussed out my boyfriend, and even sitting here typing, my anger is still growing. i want to scream at the top of my lungs, i want to break things........... why can't i control this hate? why am i turning so mean and evil? i hate who i am, i hate how i act, i hate how i feel, i hate not having control over me and my feelings.

     
    Old 04-04-2003, 10:16 PM   #12
    nicks
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    Wow, compared to what you go through, my life is a cake walk, and I still get fits of rage and self loathing. You do need a break. It sounds like you're living exclusively for other people leaving no time for you and this is causing resentment. But you don't want to misdirect your anger at the kids, so the anger builds and builds. Any way you can get your BF to watch the kids so you can get away for a while? Why not? I know this post probably doesn't help much. Just wanted you to know there's someone who empathizes.

    -Nick

     
    Old 04-05-2003, 03:49 AM   #13
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    iamsoangry

    Is there a mothers day out program in your area, some churches have these programs.

    I believe we all need time for ourselves. Can you and your BF come up with a compromise? Maybe one night a week he could watch the kids for a few hours so you can get out of the house?

    Also set some rules. All kids bathed and in bed by 9.
    Rest time after lunch. The kids need you to lead them, not them leading you, unless the 4 yea rold has some kind of health issue that a Dr. needs to know about, the pooping amd smearing is unacceptable behaviour.

    Hang in there

    I'm a mom of a 20 year old, so I do have qualifications.

    I will help in any way I can.

    Take care
    #1 Texan



     
    Old 04-05-2003, 11:45 AM   #14
    IvysWindstorm
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    Ok Sweetie, you need a break that's for sure!!!

    May I ask why you are taking care of a niece and nephew? Is it temporary or permanant? Do you have legal custody?

    That's quite a large family to be responsible for, and their behavior could have something to do with missing their parents and going to live in another home. That's very traumatic to a child, and now more than ever they need structure without anger, or the behavior will just continue to get worse. You need your sleep, and you're not getting it.

    One person cannot raise four children and remain sane. If your boyfriend is living with you, and it sounds like he is, he needs to take on an active role in childcare. Sit down and work out a plan. For intance:

    * He watches the kids while you go to the grocery and take a couple hours for yourself. Remind him that you save money because you aren't being intimidated into buying every snack item in the aisles. Use the time beforehand to have coffee with a friend, or just sit in the park and read.

    * If you can't find somebody to watch all four kids at the same time (I know I couldn't do it!), split them up. Maybe your two could spend the night at your Boyfriend's mother's and the N and N could stay all night with your brother (Somebody else in the family NEEDS to know what you go through every night.) This will allow you to get a thorough night's sleep, and some important alone time with Boyfriend.

    * Set bedtime rules and other structured behavior rules and enforce them with non-violent punishments. Sitting in the corner gives one time to think about what one did. And ignore the crying and whining... if you acknowledge it in any way it will continue. When you ignore it, it will soon stop.

    * Age appropriate chores gives the children a sense of belonging and accomplishment even though they may not be so enthusiastic... and it keeps them busy. No playtime till chores are completed or they hit the corner.

    Good luck, and I sure hope you manage a way to get out more. You deserve to feel relaxed and loved by others and yourself.


     
    Old 04-05-2003, 01:15 PM   #15
    IamSoAngry
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    hi, thank you all for replying.
    nicks- yes, i do live my life for everyone but myself. it just recently started making me angry, because i get stuck with so much that i often feel overloaded. up until here lately, i've kept those feelings bottled, afraid to let anyone know i was doing too much and couldn't handle it anymore. now i can't keep it bottled, as soon as i feel anything, i explode. i have tried repeatedly to get help, but it all just winds up being on me. thank you so much for replying, i truely appreciate it. please feel free to post me any and all suggestions or advice. maybe there is something i'm not doing right, or haven't thought of trying yet. God bless!
    #1Texan-hi, i haven't looked into alot of places, but the few i looked into didn't offer anything, and the ones that did were over my budget. my kids are pretty good with knowing the rules, they have been on a schedule since they were born, my niece and nephew are not used to rules, and so far have driven me nuts while i've tried getting them used to them. breakfast is 8:00 (gives me a chance to get back home from dropping my kids off at school, and get everyone up and out for work). snack time is at 10:30, lunch is at 12:00, usually around 12:30 i try for nap time. it hardly ever works. my 18 month old niece will scream bloody murder for hours if you let her, and my 3 year old nephew will scream and cry. he thinks nap time and bed time are a punishment, so he will repeatedly scream "no, i'm a good boy, i'm a good boy, please momma i'm a good boy" and won't stop until he finally crashes, or you finally budge. my girls get home from school at 2:30, and homework is from 2:45 until no later than 3:30, depends on how much homework they have. snack time again is at 3:30, dinner is at 5:00, bathtime starts at 6:00 (usually ends around 7) free time is 7 to 8:30 and bedtime is at 8:30. although they are in the bed, (niece and nephew) do not fall asleep until about 10:30 or 11. they will scream and cry and throw a fit until they just pass out. it gets really stressful! keeping them asleep is another chore. thank you so much for replying to my post, i truely appreciate it. if you have any other advice please feel free to post it, maybe there is something i'm doing wrong, or something i haven't tried yet. God bless!
    IvysWindstorm- hi. i do not have any type of custody or guardianship. my brother and his ex girlfriend broke up almost a year ago, and she got real bad on drugs. she just totally started neglecting the kids. my brother took her to court and got split custody, his custody started january 1, hers starts june 1st. while he has custody, she is supposed to get the kids every other weekend, which she has not done. she has kept her kids, willingly, twice. the other times she will either just not show up, or she'll call with an excuse, or she'll get them for a couple of hours and bring them right back to me. when my brother got custody, i offered my help because my brother was in a real bad spot. i have had the kids off and on since jan. 1st, but fulltime since feb 8th. i have helped my brother and his ex raise both kids since the kids have been born, my nephew knows i'm his aunt, but chooses to call me momma, and will refuse to call me aunt when you tell him to. he has always been the most perfect little angel when i had him. he knew my rules, he knew how to act. he was wonderful for me, and would go home and give his parents hell. they never understood why he was so good for me, and so bad for them. but now he is a totally different child... he is so bad its truely unbelievable. my niece has NEVER been a good child. she has always been rotten, but that was due to her mom always babying her, giving her her way, etc. its not that i mind raising my niece and nephew, its their mom thats making it difficult. when she does get them, they come back acting crazy, doing things they weren't doing before they left, and i have to start all over again with the "discipline". i finally had to call the cops on the mother. she would call my house threatening me, cussing me out.... just doing whatever was in her power to **** me off. she came to my house one night a few weeks ago doing the same crap, and i lost it and went after her. she jumped in her truck and hauled tail home. thats when i called the cops, and since then have had to call them a dozen times. she got an attitude with me (because i went after her, called the cops on her, etc) and called child welfare on me telling them my house was drug infested, she feared for her childrens safety, i was on drugs.... dadada. so i had to go get a drug test and although it came back negaive, i will have an open case on me for 30 days, giving child welfare the right to visit my house whenever they want, go to my kids school whenever they want, etc. not that i have anything to hide, but i feel thats invasion of my privacy, and they have NO RIGHT bothering my kids at school. maybe i'm wrong, but thats how i feel. my brother is going away for basic and AIT soon, he was wanting to sign his custody over to me, but was told with him only having half custody he was not allowed to, and now has to sign the kids back over to the mother. she is a story all in its own, but she does not deserve to be a mom, she is just a sorry excuse for a human being. thats not me being mean, thats just the truth.... she is a sorry person, even when she wasn't on drugs.... now the drugs just help give her an excuse to be who and what she is. my brother took the kids to her today, so i do not know if they are coming back or not, but the way she is she will talk crap about me to the kids (which she has done and my nephew has told me his mommy called me a b*tch) not to mention she keeps them away from me until shes tired of taking care of them, then just drops them off. so i am looking at a long, hard road while my brothers gone. and as bad as it sounds, i refuse to take care of the kids, watch the kids for her, etc., while my brother is gone. i cannot be used, and mistreated at the same time. i will lose it, and wind up in jail, so i figure if i just "stay away" and refuse to take the kids while my brother is gone for 4 months, i can avoid any problems with her. i don't know, maybe i'm wrong for feeling that way, but i don't know what else to do. i truely hate this girl, and despise everything about her. she is the type of person that can make a ******** who is fully devoted to God lose his temper.... she is bad. thank you so much for replying to my post, i truely appreciate it. if you have any other advice or suggestions, please let me know. maybe i am doing something wrong, or there are things i haven't thought of yet to do. God bless!
    again, thank you all for your replies. i cannot tell you how much i appreciate all of your help and kind words. sorry my posts are so long. yall take care and i'll write again soon. God bless!

    [This message has been edited by IamSoAngry (edited 04-05-2003).]

     
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