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    Old 03-30-2003, 02:45 PM   #1
    johnnymike
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    Unhappy Help with depression and anxiety

    Hello guys.

    Thanks to the power of one-click google searches, I found this message board with a seemingly comprehensive share of physical and mental diseases. That's why I come in here so that I can obtain guidance and support from other people with the same conditions. This will be my first time. So please be gentle.

    I am a 18 year old high school student who seem to suffer from depression and anxiety. From what I know, depression and anxiety are different cases. Depression, as in suffering from excessive sadness, and anxiety, means vague feelings of fear from an unknown source.

    As far as I know, I am under these situations, which is not a very pleasant to be in life because it hinders my ability to obtain genuine happiness and even communicate with other people. I always find myself wallowing in the darkness of my room with the windows covered with a think blanket to black out the sunshine going through. Usually, my whole day is consists of lying in bed and watching television. Sometimes I don't even realize that I'm watching t.v. It's gotten to a point where I can just turn on the t.v. without consciousness.

    I am indeed a senior in high school and I am graduating next year. I am supposed to be graduating this year but I had a massive skipping marathon two years ago so I'm currently making up for the courses that I failed. I am not the dullest knife in the kitchen but I always consider myself very, very stupid when it comes to interacting with other people. I'm very scared of what other people think of me. That is why I'm probably not doing good at school. I just can't concentrate. My mind wanders to that impending judgement passed around by everybody about me. I know I'm capable of doing a job ranging from mediocre to great, but somehow I just don't put my mind into it. I am afraid that people are going to make fun of me. Even if the outcome is very far away from bad. I think I'm failing again. It's stupid and laughable. I feel so worthless. Oh yeah, here's the kicker! My mom used to teach theology in college. And I failed religion. Twice. What kind of a sane person would fail religion twice?!? Especially if his got a mom for a religion teacher?!? It's pathetic.
    On top of that I also got fired. Twice. At a local coffee shop here. The reason? For not showing up to work and using the non-existant death of my grandmother as an excuse.

    Now, this is where my problem lies. The laziness and the nausea has gotten worse. My fear of presentations at school and reading a book out loud and talking to people had become an everyday struggle. I am paranoid and nervous every single day. The rate of my heartbeat is going very fast (I'm afraid I would find myself having a heart attack in the bathroom at age 24) and I'm having a hard time breathing. Waking up in the morning for school is the worst. It's as if I'm trapped and just want to get out from my skin. It's ridiculous and very frustrating. I even worry about going to the supermarket to buy groceries for my mom. Or even taking a simple shower. This is the anxiety.

    Now comes the depression. Without the anxiety in the first place, I wouldn't be today with feelings of misery and unexplainable loneliness. Jesus, I have no idea how it came to this. I am a very different person now. I just realized that I'm very moody and very spiteful to my friends. As a result, my social life had gone kaput. And this also built an unseen rift that is eventually going to break on my family (though they have no idea I feel this way). I don't speak to my younger brother and I consider my dad an S.O.B. I only communicate with my mom and I always find myself breaking down when I have a fight with her.
    I am always sad. And sometimes I cry for no reason on my way home after school. I have no energy and I can't think logically. I speak in tongues or stutter very badly with other people, which caused me to resort into self-pity and self-hatred because I don't feel like I'm good enough to be in the outside world. Hence, locking myself in my bedroom. I'm not suicidal, by any means, although I seem to joke about killing myself by slitting my wrists with a knife to my friends after school. I don't think the depression is severe to a point where I'll senselessly take my life away. But what if I'm heading that way? What if I wouldn't pass the age of 24 because they'll find me lying with a deliciously pool of red color on the bathroom floor, staring at the ceiling. So far I haven't told anybody, except for you people here.

    What do you think I should do? Do you think I should see a doctor? What do I think I have? Is this real depression? Am I just acting this way as part of being a teenager? Am I just an immature, whiny teenager? Because I don't feel like it. I feel suffocated. I think I do have anxiety. I'm not sure about being depressed. So please help.

    I want your advice, suggestions or even a stern reality wake up call. I am very confused. I am sorry if I am ranting here or I am short of logic or common sense. I don't consider myself articulate so it's hard putting my words here in the World Wide Web. Thank you for your time.

    Take care.

     
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    Old 03-30-2003, 03:07 PM   #2
    Jeff!23
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    Hi, Your not ranting just expressing which is good. I think you should go see a doctor they will help you (they really do care). Yes, it is real depression and anxiety but you just took the first step by talking about it. Go to the doctor they will give prescriptions and then theropy to help with your people skills and self esteem. Soon you will be feeling good again and graduate school and then on to college. You have so much in front of you that can't be seen, so please don't hurt yourself. I was your age kinda in the same boat, You will get past this and see and do so much cool s*it. later, Jeff

     
    Old 03-30-2003, 06:06 PM   #3
    rsg
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    Hi what a wonderful kid you are. I love your sense of humor, what kid hasn't had a case of laziness, I am convinced my son audited his classes for the first2 years of highschool About the depression/anxiety part:you've come to the right place! Yes, see a doctor, if you are too nervous to talk, take a copy of your post with you. There are many drugs out there that will help you, we don't have to suffer. With the meds and support from people like yourself and my family, I am a "Normal" person. Hang in there, see a doc and let us know how you are doing. A psych doc would be best, but a family doctor should be able to treat you or send you to someone who can help. Be happy, by admitting all of this you are on your way to a better life. You seem like a funny,likable kid, I should know, I have 3 teen age sons that are as different as can be from each other, and I love them, earrings, colored hair cigarettes(behind my back, they think) and all. good luck and a big hug from this mom. RG

    [This message has been edited by rsg (edited 03-30-2003).]

     
    Old 03-30-2003, 11:47 PM   #4
    lisajenx
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    I felt the same way when I was in high school. It never occured to me that something was really wrong. At least you know the warning signs.
    You should definitely see a doctor/therapists. It will help you to talk about your feelings and discuss why you feel so odd about talking to classmates.
    For me, it was the horrible incidents in my childhood that kept me locked up in my mind. The anxiety just got worse as I got older.
    Finally, one day I was at work thinking someone was after me. I couldn't take it anymore. I just ran out of the building to my car to get away, but I couldn't rid of the fear. I ended up in a mental hospital. And that's all I remember.
    Now, I take it one day at a time and try to realize why I am so scared and what is the worst that could really happen.

     
    Old 03-31-2003, 06:25 AM   #5
    ardor
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    Welcome,

    You express yourself well for one so depressed. I agree with the idea of you seeing a doctor. But, get a thorough physical before venturing into the world of shrinks, anti-depressants, and therapists. If you don't need to be in that part of the world, don't go.

    There are physical reasons for feeling chronically depressed and worn out. One is hypothyroidism (low thyroid function); check out some of the posts on this board about it. There may also be other physical problems that cause the problems that you're having. Anti-depresants and anti-anxiety meds are not magical. They can very difficult to deal with and, for some people, they don't work at all. It's a crap shoot, and the patient is the one that ends up feeling like crap.

     
    Old 03-31-2003, 07:53 AM   #6
    johnnymike
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    Thanks so much for all the encouraging comments! Like I said, this is the first time talking about this, so I’m very sure that I wouldn’t get this kind of support if I told people in the real world. This place would probably be my safe haven. For now, at least. Since I need to go out there and battle this problem. When I was writing those words above, the everyday feeling of nausea quadrupled. Admitting the problem is very hard, but I did it anyways. So, congrats to me.

    However, there will be another set of problems. I don’t want my parents to find out about this. I have been distant to them so I don’t want to have another set of “movie of the week” moments. Can I be able to go to a doctor for help without them finding out? We have a family doctor but I haven’t seen him for two years, except for some once a year immunization. I don’t want to see him, he will notify my parents that their beloved son is suffering from depression for sure.

    Can I see another doctor? And can I ask for a medication or do they have to examine me and have weekly therapy. I am very scared and nervous about this. The fact that I will be talking to someone terrifies me!

    Well, anyways, thanks again! I am at school right now. And I'm here in the library, instead of being in my Science class. I am typing this very fast because I don't want the Ms. Eger b*tching at my face.

    And rsg, thanks for the hug. You can be my pseudo-mom who never gets angry.
    and thanks for noticing my sense of humor. I am indeed funny and nice in life (though it's usually a poor attempt of humor on my part). Unfortunaly, they have become a facade for my repressed feelings.

    Take care.

     
    Old 04-04-2003, 12:00 AM   #7
    Jobarpub
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    Hi JohnnyMike.

    It sounds like you are going through the same thing MILLIONS of people your age go thru. Adolesence. On top of that, you're nearing graduation. So, of course you're thinking, "What am I going to do when I finish high school? Will I go to College? If so, Where? Will I get a job? If so, What?" These are all common concerns. Wait until you hit 30 and go thru your mid-life crisis. But, there IS HOPE. Your fears are founded. You are suffering from depression like countless others. Just look at the message board. Why do you think WE are all here? We suffer, too. Depression can be linked to many things, but boils down to only a couple. It's either caused by specific cercumstances in your life (i.e. physical or sexual abuse, trauma, abandonment, etc.) or it can be as simple (or complex) as your chemistry is out of balance. Many times, medication can help control both causes.

    Yes, I think you should seek the help of a doctor.

    If you're under age, they will probably be required to tell a parent or gaurdian. If you are close with your mother, why not talk to her first and explain how you're feeling. Let her have her imput and maybe even ask if she would call a doctor for you. If not, try calling a doctor yourself and explain your situation and see what they say.

    You seem very bright from the way you composed 2 wonderful letters, vividly explaining what is going on in your mind and in your life. Don't cut yourself short in the "smarts" area. You're a student and it's the job of the student to feel inadequit.

    As a music composer and arranger, I grew up all my life wanting to do nothing but create. I was ALWAYS daydreaming in school. Most of my teachers were always writing letters to my parents or calling them in for meetings about me. And then, one day, I had a very special teacher. She called my parents and told them that they should be very proud of me. When they asked "why?", she said, "Have you ever been told that he spends a great deal of time daydreaming in class?" And they said, "Yes." The teacher went on to tell them that I wasn't just daydreaming. I was creating great things in my mind. "And one day" she said, "he will do those great things because they are so important to him." As the old saying goes, "If you can dream it, you can do it."

    Well, I did. I've worked with some of the most well-known names in the music and entertainment business. All because I had a dream.

    I'm not trying to tout my own horn. I'm trying to show a point that "things are not always what they seem." On the outside, I was just a kid who didn't pay attention in class. It didn't mean I was stupid. The things that really mattered to me, I studied and learned. Those are the things that carry me thru life now.

    You mentioned twice about worrying that you'll die when you're 24. I used to think I would die when I was 33. I didn't know why. Someone finally told me that it might be a thing called a "Jesus complex." He died when he was 33. I always felt special and maybe that was it. I feared every day as I grew near to 33 years old. When that year came and went (I'm now 44), I was so releaved. I know you'll make it well past 24. Just have faith. Hold your head up. And..."Remember to breathe."

    Go see a doctor at all costs. It's worth it. YOU'RE worth it. Let the rest come naturally. You're going to be OKAY.

     
    Old 04-04-2003, 09:08 AM   #8
    Bellajoon
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    Hi Johnnymike,
    Boy, I know how you feel. When I was a teenager, now I am 46, I had unsurmountable depression and anxiety. I thought that was the way it was. I felt I was always hiding under a mask. Unfortunately I never did anything to help the situation. I started messing around with alcohol and seemed to enjoy the numbing experience. I thought that if I would be numb, nothing could hurt me. I was wrong, when I was 20, I went to a doctor complaining of stomach pain, he gave me phenobarbitol, a barbituate, and I overdosed on them landing in the hospital for a week. I really wasn't intending to kill myself, just get some attention to my feelings. It has been a long road for me, and I still have my bouts of depression. I have been happily married for 22 years and have 3 wonderful children. My twin boys are 18 years old and believe me I watch for signs, luckily they seem pretty adjusted, unlike I was at their age. You seem to have a wonderful sense of humor and seem to have the want to get help. Please don't wait, take care of it now while you are young and you won't waste a wonderful time of your life. Let us know how you are doing!

     
    Old 04-04-2003, 12:37 PM   #9
    johnnymike
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    Jobarpub and Bellajoon, thanks for your kind comments. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this. Being a teenager and going to that next level which is adulthood, I am not alone. Like you said, there are millions of teenagers out there with the same inner struggle. Being bombarded by a lethal combination of chores and responsibilies of trying hard to pass high school, graduating, finding a part-time job, going to college, looking for that perfect career path, finding and knowing one's self, and god knows what else, is a perfect ingredient to cook up a disgusting five star meal we call "depression".

    But I am not alone who will be gobbling this up.

    The thing is, it's hard not to feel like you are going through something that people can relate. Depression is universal. But at the end, it's you, the only one, who will suffer. Of course, you can get through it with other people. Success can be achieved 95% by facing the works with people. But there's always that force that cuts you off from reality. Whenever I close that bedroom door from the outside world, my whole existence is cut off from anything else. It's just me and my loneliness and unworthiness (Not to mention, my television). I want something but I just don't know what it is. But I know that it will make me happy.

    This longing is probably something that I can find from other people. To just communicate with them without the sweaty palms and panicky eyes is as hard as learning to speak Greek within one year. But I know achieving it give my life meaning.

    But overall, I don't really know what's causing me to feel this way. It's probably a little bit of both . "Traumatizing" incidents dating back to my weird childhood and my chemistry being out of balance (I'm sure it is very screwed up, knowing my raging hormones). Back then, I remember my cigarrete-loving father occasionally beat me up. I also suffered from a stuttering problem that made me angry at God because of the cruel jokes of the kids and terrifying experiences of reading a book in front of the class. It's somewhat gone now but it's still looming it's ugly head. I also had an accident that involved a very large head of a nail halfway hammered through the wall that scraped off a big portion of the scalp of my head, leaving a bloody mess on the floor.
    Those experiences will stay in my mind for the rest of my life. Now, as a teenager, I am going through a lot of things, both mentally and physically, that writing them down will probably result into a five page script of "Days of our Lives".
    Whatever this is causing me, it doesn't matter. I don't care. All I want is to get rid of that empty and cold feeling I have every single day.

    Like I said I'm depressed. And it has a companion named anxiety. These two guys are not very fun to be with, really. They fill my mind with poison. That's why I need to seek that doctor. I am still in the process of thinking whether to tell my mom or just go ahead and call the doctor. I think it's the best way to tell my mother (who I'm sure will freak out beyond belief, followed by a one-hour lecture and eventually a suffocating hug) since I don't know where to get the money for my medications or stuff (if indeed they're going to prescribe something).

    That's all for now. This has been an exhausting post and an exhausting day.

    Take care.


    P.S. I do have dreams. But I need somebody who can believe in me. I wish I have that special teacher of yours, Jobarpub.

     
    Old 04-04-2003, 10:21 PM   #10
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    HANG IN THERE!

    I had many of the same feelings at that point in my life. Unfortunately, back then there were much fewer options when dealing with these problems.
    Anxiety and depression are almost always interrelated. It sounds like you might have a bit of "social phobia", which would make it harder to seek help. You might try looking for a depression or anxiety support group in your area. Good Luck.
    We care. Let us know how you're doing.

     
    Old 04-04-2003, 10:40 PM   #11
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    Johnnymike,

    Here's something else to think about. When I was 19, my parents and lots of other people told me,"These are the best years of your life." Don't believe it. I was working 40 hours a week and taking 18 credit hours of engineering classes and still dealing with emotional problems. I thought,"It gets worse?" No. It gets better.

    -N

     
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