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  • Sick of it all. Where was the good life?

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    Old 05-15-2003, 11:15 PM   #1
    Aaron43
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    Post Sick of it all. Where was the good life?

    I don't know who will actually read all this, but it just makes me feel better if I type out my problems.

    I posted here months ago about my depression, but I am still living in a world of pain and suffering.

    I keep reading and listening to the lyrics of Metallica's "Fade to Black" since it seems to be very appropriate in my considerations of suicide.

    "Life it seems, will fade away
    Drifting further every day
    Getting lost within myself
    Nothing matters no one else
    I have lost the will to live
    Simply nothing more to give
    There is nothing more for me
    Need the end to set me free."

    So, here some background on my story.
    ----------------------------------

    I a male in my 20's. I do not have a wife nor kids. I do not have a girlfriend, and never had one since high school about 4 years ago - and that didn't even really count. I am very lonely and my self esteem is zero. I cannot even strike a conversation with the opposite sex.

    I have been suffering from acne for over 6 years. It used to be bad, but a dermatologist helped me out a bit, so I am feeling a bit better. But my acne has left deep scars that remind my of my horrible past, and I still breakout sometimes. On top of that, I have become very self-conscious. I look in the mirror about 1,000 times every hour. My cleaning routine is very complicated and much like Jack Nicholson's character in As Good As It Gets.

    My diet has changed - where I feel in order to keep the acne away - I must eat right. I have never ate candy nor drank soda in years. I never go out to fast food and never over-do acne causing food. Because of this - I have lost a few pounds. Add the depression and I have lost over 10 pounds. I feel my cloths have gotten bigger. It is a horrible feeling when you think you are shrinking by the minute.

    I used to be a solid 165 pound weight lifting animal. Happy, outgoing, and didn't care too much about my face.

    --------------------------------

    Now, I look in the mirror, even on no-acne days, and see an ugly guy. I don't see the 'Antonio Banderas' looking guy that everyone had called me years ago.

    I cut my beautiful long hair and I regret it. I don't even bother to shave these days - because I don't wanna see my face.

    Every single thing I eat, I wonder if this food will give me a zit tomorrow. I cannot help it. I am very anal about things and it bothers me a lot.

    I feel nobody cares, I have lost the will to live, and I am sick of being sad, ugly, acne prone, losing weight and thinking about acne when I eat.

    I cannot find a job - my last job was a year ago. I go to college part time - and most of the time I just zone out and don't go to class. I just get in my car and drive around, thinking, thinking....

    What happening to the fun days? I remember the days where I went out to bars, met with friends, had fun. No more. I have only 1 friend.

    I used to play the guitar, but I have lost the will in that too. I am like a zombie these days. All I do is go to school a couple times a week, if not, I am home looking in the mirror.

    My workout performance has gone down, although I try to play a game of basketball here and there.

    I don't even look forward to weekends anymore. Everyday is like a cloudy Sunday.

    My world consists my my negative thinking mind. My head plays games with me too much. The emptiness is filling me.

    I have a lot of agony - for what I don't know. I have never been loved.

    I used to be ME. But not anymore. I don't know where I have gone! Life just isn't right. Suicide is coming closer and closer.

    ------------------------------

    All I want to know is: where is the good life. The life I once had where I was happy?

    [This message has been edited by Aaron43 (edited 05-16-2003).]

     
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    Old 05-16-2003, 12:45 PM   #2
    suej1946
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    Your story is very sad. No one ever said that life is always going to be good. Far from it. Why are you so down on yourself. Cant be because you have acne. some people dont have arms and legs but they try to find the good out of life anyway that they can.
    The first thing you have to do is change yourself. No one cares that you have acne only you. If you were happy once you can do it again and you are still very young with a lot of life ahead of you. The acne will clear believe me I know. Suicide because of acne it totally crazy.
    Try to get out and stop thinking of yourself as ugly you are probably the only one that does. and we all have days that we feel that way.
    let me know how you are doing and there is no charge for the pep talk. Im sure Antonio does not have perfect skin and they do wonders with makeup in hollywood.
    take care and I hope this makes you smile :-)

     
    Old 05-17-2003, 08:42 PM   #3
    tagger
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    Have you discussed your feelings with your doctor? I'm afraid it sounds to me like you're clinically depressed. There is treatment for this. Ask your doctor before things get worse. When I am depressed I feel like there is a black cloud over my head following me around affecting everything I do, the way I think..negative everything. If your doctor thinks you need to be on an anti-depressant you might be amazed at how the acne doesn't seem that important and things that now seem overwhelmingly sad and lonely are really not so bad after all. I'm not saying you need anti-depressants, it's not something you go into lightly, but you should definitely speak to your doc about your feelings. That's what he's there for. Depression is a sickness just like any other disease and it can be helped....Take Care and don't try to "conquer" this yourself..you need help from someone who is trained to deal with this sort of thing.
    By the way, my brother had very bad acne when he was a teen. He still bears the scars, but he is now a very successful, handsome, businessman. You're right, diet is important, but there are lots of topical lotions etc you can use, also there are some meds for acne now that seem to be pretty successful....Tagger
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    Old 05-18-2003, 05:12 AM   #4
    rsg
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    depressed and ocd, there are a lot of men with acne scars and you kinda notice em but you don't they are still hot and I'm in my 30's and still notice a fgood loking guy.

    Go to a good doc, thinking of you. RG

     
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