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  • Being ugly and depressed

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    Old 08-24-2003, 01:16 PM   #1
    MaddHatter
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    Unhappy Being ugly and depressed

    As I try to think back in my life why I was abused so much and beat up and picked on and made fun of, I often try to think why, why was I treated that way, why didnt people like me. Now that ive gotten older I know why. Ive always felt that its been because of the way I look. Mainly my face moreso than my weight. Ive always felt like the frog in the fairy tale, the ugly duckling, the elephant man. Years and years of people telling you what you are, eventually your gonna start to belive it and become it. I feel like its the source of my depression and anxiety. Its definitely why ive become such a hermit and agoraphobic. I find it so painful to go through life like this. Seems like everyone else in the world were blessed with being attractive or nice looking. My main problem never was that i wasnt handsome or beautiful, i would settle to be plain or average looking, but being grotesque is another thing. Funny thing is my parents arent even close to being as bad looking as I am. Especially my father, hes a pretty handsome guy. And my mom was pretty good looking back in her day. But together their genes couldnt have , ugh, made a more unattractive human being. I dont blame them, I love them to death. When I was born they probably had so many dreams and wishes for me. Im the only boy my mom had out of 4 kids. She always wanted a boy. I was born premature but healthy, 10 fingers and toes. But they never imagined what I would grow into. Their dissapointment and sadness in me depresses me deeply. I wanted so hard to make them proud but I failed them. I just never could find my way through all the abuse and I never could overcome how I felt about myself and what people thought of me. I dont feel human or normal. I grow more depressed and envious by the day. Every time I turn on the tv or see someone attractive at a store or hear someone talking about who's hot on the radio and etc, I cry or jus get severely depressed. I can barely watch anything on tv other than sports these days. I cant find the strength to have any goals in life. I feel disadvantaged. I remmeber my short stint in college I never could focus on learning and studying cos I was constantly consumed with the other student looking so much better than me, laughing and talking. Id walk in the hallways and see couples holding hands and hugging or kissing, Id go outside and see a group of friends laughing and jus seemingly so happy and carefree. And it jus became unbearable for me. I had to drop out. The fact that Ill never be like them. Ill never have friends. Ill never in a million years have a girlfriend. Ill never be attractive. Imagine a life without anyone, without love, without friends, and feeling like a rat in a cage. The problem is, theres no pill I can take for that. Theres no treatment. Theres no surgery that could change it. Nothing I could afford anyway. I could lose weight and have in the past. It at least helped me feel healthier but not necessarily better looking. But eventually I gained it all back and now im the biggest ive ever been. I tried to get gastric bypass surgery but my insurance company declined even though Im diabetic. But that surgery is only for rich people really. Unless you have alot of money your not really going to get the real help you need. I could be dying from obesisty but im not very well off and my insurance wouldnt cover it. My thinking is, ok at least I dont HAVE to be overweight. I can do something about that. But a zebra cant change his stripes. I cant change how I look. You only get one life. And this is me. No im not disabled, or a dwarf, or have a terminal illness. But when you look the way you I do, Its jus as bad almost. Cos people treat me like im disabled or have a disease. And I dont know how you overcome it and live a normal life unless your rich, super intelligent, gifted athletically, born in a wealthy family, or have some other kind of significant gift in life. Which I dont. I clean up buildings at night cos its the only job I can do without being around people, and im not even particularly good at that. lol. What can I do, what could I do? How can I in any way shape or form live better, and maybe try to become more social and meet people. I would consider anything, even moving to another country. lol. What I would give, just to feel normal, or handsome, or human, and not be lonely, depressed and in agony, just for one day, Id do anything to not be me.

     
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    Old 08-24-2003, 01:44 PM   #2
    blue velvet
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    i think personality and attitude are all that matters to people no matter what you look like..

     
    Old 08-24-2003, 01:56 PM   #3
    CrimsonClover
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    I honestly don't know what to tell you, but I want you to know that you are not alone. People are so cruel. I was bullied in high school and I never recovered from it; and there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, it was all jealousy (because I had good grades). I don't know why people are so mean; I guess it makes them feel better.

    I won't give you the "it's the inside that counts" speech; it should be true, and it is to good people, but most people are superficial. Unfortunately, they're the ones who get to be happy. I can't tell you how many times I've wondered how someone got to have friends, a husband/wife, kids or even a job because they are such unpleasant selfish people; if this world were fair, they would be alone and miserable like they deserve to be, and we would we the happy ones. Ouch, I think I'm bitter.

     
    Old 08-24-2003, 02:14 PM   #4
    MaddHatter
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    I want to believe that blue velvet but no matter how nice a person you are or what your attitude is like, how you look matters. People judge the book by its cover, people only buy the cute dogs at the pound, only the cute girl gets kissed at the dance. I made a hail mary attempt to start dating a couple years ago. We met online, and talked on the phone for 2 weeks. She fed me all of this stuff about looks dont matter I want someone to respect me and blah blah. She basically fell inlove with me until of course, we finally went out on a date and that was basically the end of it cos 2 days later she sent me this sad email telling me how she was mentally attracted to me but not physically. Later that week I left a note under my parents door and left the house and had my 2nd serious suicide attempt. She literally almost killed me. lol. Fortunately, well I guess, the police found me in time and got me to a hospital. I dont want to go into details for purpose of being inappropriate or causing my posts to be deleted, but thats jus how I felt then and now. It really doesnt matter, at least for me. But I know it has to be something I can do or somewhere i can go or some way I can feel better.

     
    Old 08-24-2003, 04:05 PM   #5
    Leanor
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    Maddhatter:
    This is from a woman's point of view: Take it for what it's worth.
    There are a lot of women out there who will opt for a guy who has power and money over looks any day.
    Looks fade-diamonds are forever.
    Get mad, then let that energy work for you.
    Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get out there, go back to school and find a way to get that power and money and your looks will never again matter.
    Good Luck

     
    Old 08-24-2003, 04:06 PM   #6
    ffsmith
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    I feel exactly the way you do
    I have let my parents down too and am not social at all
    I am ugly
    And now I have lost my job

    I was able to finish college though
    That might be something you can do on a part time basis.

    You took a big risk with that girl on the Internet
    I admire you for that. I do not think I could do that.
    I know it turned out badly, but I think it is good that you tried.

    I was thinking of Jared (sp.?) from the Subway commercials after I read your post.
    I am not comparing you to him,
    But I was just wondering if his life was hard, maybe he lost weight and then got lucky with these commercials and now his life is a lot better?

    Maybe it happens for some people?
    I do not see it happening for me though. I am probably a lot like you.

    I want too feel like I belong here too
    Like I am good enough
    I just can not do that . . . or believe it.

     
    Old 08-24-2003, 04:17 PM   #7
    Leanor
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    Maddhatter:
    This is from a woman's point of view: Take it for what it's worth. ;-)
    There are a lot of women out there who will choose a guy who has power and money over looks any day.
    Looks fade-diamonds are forever.
    Get mad, then let that energy work for you.
    Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get out there and go back to school.
    Get tunnel vision and stay focused.
    Stop looking at others.
    Stay committed.
    Be a doctor, a congressman, whatever.
    Find a way to get that power and money and your looks will never again matter. Believe me.
    Good Luck

     
    Old 08-24-2003, 05:17 PM   #8
    CrimsonClover
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    Leanor, not all women are turned on by rich powerful guys! Unless they're golddiggers, of course; but, if I were a guy, I wouldn't want a woman who pretends to love me just because I have money.

    I can't speak for all ladies, but a man should be a gentleman; class, self-respect and respect for others, no lying/cheating/taking for granted. If you fit that description, then you're already heads above most men, guys, I swear.

     
    Old 08-24-2003, 05:44 PM   #9
    rainonwindow
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    I am 51 and I have never met anybody as ugly as you are describing yourself. You write like your looks are a major contributing factor to your depression but I bet your depression is distorting the way you think about your looks. I have been to a lot of places and seen a lot of different people but I have never encountered a person who fit the description you give yourself. There is ABSOLUTELY no way I would believe that you are the one uniquely ugly person I haven't met. I don't mean to be unkind but the only thing I see here that is ugly is your opinion of yourself. But I doubt it is a matter of choice. I hope that you are getting the help you need to see yourself more realistically

     
    Old 08-24-2003, 11:42 PM   #10
    MaddHatter
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    Hey ffsmith, Im sorry you lost your job, the only thing keeping me going these days is my job. Fortunately you finished college so you should be able to find a new one.I dont think you should necessarily stop believing you can feel you belong. You finished college, thats never bad, get you a nice job, make good money and it should make u feel better. Me, I intend on taking a few online classes to get me started and work my way up to being in class, but, I really cant go to school right now until I can find a way to feel better about myself. Its like being tortured sitting in a classroom. Right now even in my deepest darkest days I actually still have at least a plan. I know im not going to become rich anytime soon. I got every picture of me when I lost like 60lbs 2 years ago and try to see how I look then. Ive been obsessed with it. All day I look in the mirror and pictures hoping I can find something, something encouraging, hoping the next time i look ill look different or better. Cos if I see that then I feel like if I dedicate my life right now to dieting, exercising, losing the weight again, plus working out and lifting weights to get a little muscular, then who knows, 6-7 months from now maybe that will make me feel better about myself. I can have a ok body, that can be attractive but I still worry that im just too repulsive that even that wouldnt work. But before I give up on life, I feel like I have to at least give it another shot in that aspect.

     
    Old 08-25-2003, 12:16 AM   #11
    MaddHatter
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    Rainonwindow, your right, you've never met me. And just like Neo in the matrix, yes, I am "the ONE", unique person youve never seen then. Although, i dont necessarily feel like im the ugliest person on earth. I just think my ethnicity, and weight and bad looks jus doesnt equipped for me to be successful or happy in this world, specifically america, and just adds to me being unique. Unique in every wrong way possible. Yes my depression just makes my image of myself worst, but the mirror doesnt lie, nor does pictures or my eyes. Its just so much distortion the mind can do and show. And even if that was the cause, people dont lie. Especialy people that you dont even know who jus walks pass you in a mall and laugh or say ewww. Or some little kid in a store that taps their mom and points at me and says "mommy he ugly." I wouldnt have such a "ugly view" of myself if it wasnt the cold hard truth. Ugh, I just wanna check out of this hotel called life already. Living a happy successful life, you have to have certain requirements or necessities so to speak. If you dont meet those requirements and cant be happy or successful then whats a person to do?

     
    Old 08-25-2003, 10:08 AM   #12
    Leanor
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    Crimson.
    In the position MaddHatter is in right now, I really don't think he wants or expects "all women." I think he'd be happy with one.
    And not all women, who want to be with a guy who has power and money, are gold diggers. Maybe they feel good about being with a man who respects himself and has made it in the world.
    The point I was trying to make was that if he would find some way to build his self-confidence and make something of himself, women would be drawn to him no matter what he looked like.
    Hey, check this out Matthatter. You've already got women debating over you. :-) Hang in there.

     
    Old 08-25-2003, 07:56 PM   #13
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    Be carefull that thinking you are uniquely ugly isn't what gives meaning to your life. Then it would be very difficult to give up.

    [This message has been edited by rainonwindow (edited 08-26-2003).]

     
    Old 08-25-2003, 08:11 PM   #14
    AvalonDreaming
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    Oh God, it's a sad old life for us, isn't it Madhatter? All of my life I've been told I'm ugly too. If any of you have ever seen the 2nd version of the movie Carrie, I look EXACTLY like her! I feel like her too. I've even had people I barely know scream when the see me, the resemblance to her is so strong. I'm a plastic surgury junky and have had a nose job, cheek implants, botox and laser skin peels. Nothing can make me pretty. Even my own parents admit that I'm ugly. What can you do? I curse the day I was born, I've had nothing but hell ever since...

     
    Old 08-25-2003, 09:12 PM   #15
    jitter girl
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    I always thought Sissy Spaceck (sp?) was lovely in that movie.

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