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    Old 09-28-2003, 05:01 PM   #1
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    Red face Is this depression? (Please HELP!!!)


    Please don't be put off by the size of this post. I know it's long but I have so much to say and it is all important. I know I've posted similar things so you may simply consider this an "update" to what I have already posted. You will also find some new things which I hope I can get some help on (please). I seem to be very scatter-brained and foggy-headed lately and some of the crazy things I do have gone past the point of being comical and are now starting to scare me somewhat.

    Earlier, I was washing a pot out in the sink so I could boil water in it for spagetti. I soaped it up and was scrubbing it when my roommate starts up a conversation with me and the next think I know, I'm rinsing and drying my hands off and the pot was still sitting there with soap suds all over it because I'd gotten distracted while talking to my roommate and forgot all about the fact that I had been washing a pot.

    Another thing I do is put the wrong words in the wrong places. For example, I told my roommate that; "I'm gonna have to find out what's wrong with THIS" rather than what I actually *meant* to say which was that "I'm gonna have to find out what's wrong with ME".

    I also find my mind not working much of the time and I get a feeling like what you would get if you crossed your eyes and left them that way for a few minutes (a dizzy, spacey, zone-out, buggy-eyed, weird feeling).

    I get very angry (and increasingly so) when my mind does'nt work like it's supposed to and sometimes I will smack myself upside the head (physically) and say a lot of four-letter words about how my mind had BETTER work or it will get smacked again. I know this is crazy but I just become so enraged when my mind does'nt work - it's as if it is trying to defy me or something.

    I can't even begin to count how many times I have forgotten things right away either. For example, going to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, going to the bathroom, going to feed my animals (or whatever) and then when I get ready to do these things, I'll completely forget about what I was supposed to do and so I'll start looking around the house for things that might help "remind" me of *why* I came out to the kitchen or why I am in the bathroom, etc.

    I remember growing up that my maternal grandmother sometimes did wacky and scatterbrained things like the time she picked up the dog dish, washed it in the sink and then proceed to pour cereal and milk in one side and cut up some grapefruit in the other. She got as far as the grapefruit before she realized what she was doing. My other grandmother is so scatterbrained that her own son (my father) even called her a "ditz" once. Both sides of the family have severe depression, OCD, anxiety and a few other phycological disorders and sometimes I feel like I got everyone else's bad genes or something. I do have my share of problems but I don't ever remember feeling this spacey and weird. It is both frustrating and very scarey at times because I feel like I am about to lose it mentally and emotionally. When it gets really bad (and it has lately) I sometimes taker a xanax. Sometimes this help a lot and other times, not so well.

    Still another thing that frightens me is that at certain times, I seem to be what I'll call "keyboard dyslexic" which is to say that it's like my fingers were 10 times their normal size and when I try to type a letter it is full of typos and errors because my brain seems to be misfiring and I'm having trouble getting all of the letters or words in the right place and still other times, I write a letter and then have to go over it and change it a half-dozen times until it just "sounds right". This can drive me nuts!.

    One thing I have noticed that may help someone tell me what all of this sounds like is that my "condition" seems to work in cycles. For example, I will have a few weeks where I start some new and exciting project, get a lot done on it, make some extra money, meet new people and life just seems wonderful and I feel like I'm really "going places" and I get the very satsfying feeling that I'm accomplishing something and improving my life. However, once I get all of these things done and there's nothing left to do, I fall right back into the same old boring, depressive state of mind where I constantly feel gloomy, get irritated very easily and feel foggy headed and spacey (this is the worst it's ever been though). A few weeks later, I latch onto some other "feelgood" project and I'm back to my old self again (or at least what's left of me after the last bout).

    Sometimes (and this is probably because of my anxiety) I will become concerned that perhaps I have mad cow disease, cancer or alzheimers disease. I'm a 40 year old male and I'm not sure how old you have to be to have some of these things but I certainly hope I don't have any of them. We don't have any Alzheimer's disease in our family.

    My roommate has told me a number of times that he lives in "fear of me" because of my unusual behavior but I try to let him know that I have OCD, Turette's, Anxiety and depression and that these are mental problems that don't *usually* cause a person to become violent and that my history should tell him that I am a very mild-mannered (albeit, high-strung) person who would never do harm to anyone - not even an ant.

    More times than I can remember, I will be trying to have a conversation with someone and it's as if I have to carefully "analyze" each word before it comes out for fear that it will come out in the wrong order or that it won't come out in the proper context or even be the wrong word. What happens is that my sentences usually get messed up and this makes me very angry and then I get panicky because I wonder if I have some kind of brain disease that is causing this.

    I have become a very bitter and angry person because of all this. To use an analogy, it's as if I was a dog and some kid (this disorder I have) is teasing me each day on his way home from school and some days I feel like I could just lose it (non-violently, of course).

    I went to the doctor a few days ago and he said that I needed to stay on my blood pressure medication (which I had'nt been taking lately). My BP usually runs 150/90 with a pulse of 100 or higher. After I went back on my meds, my reading was 125/75 with a pulse of 65 and yet I STILL feel weird and spacey!.I'm sure my blood pressure has at least something to do with the way I feel but even after going back on the Atenolol (beta blocker) and Hydrochlorothiazide (diuretic) again, I still feel spacey and weird so unless my high blood pressure has caused permnanent brain damage or something, I really doubt my high blood pressure is the cause of this but who knows.

    Finally (and I usually don't tell people this for fear they will think I'm strange) but I have several farm animals that I let take turns sleeping in my bedroom (a goat and a goose). The goose sleeps in my bed and the goat sleeps on the floor. Neither of them are in my room at the same time. I have been told that since I suffer from Allergic Rhinitus and Chronic Sinusitis, that this is NOT a good thing for me to be doing and yet I love animals so much and this is a habit I have had for about 20 years now. I hate sleeping or being alone in a room all by myself and my animals are freindly and provide me with a feeling of comfort and security. How can I just suddenly stop now?.

    Anyway, I won't go on any more. I've written a novel here as it is. I would really appreciate any input you wonderful and knowledgeble folks can provide as I am starting to get really desparate here.

    Thank's again.

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    Old 09-28-2003, 10:18 PM   #2
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    I'm sorry. I don't have any solution to your brain fog, but I sure can sympathise... For the past year I've been suffering from very similar symptoms, which make it hard for me to function, let alone visualise myself functioning... Even when I think of some of the words I want to say they're being pronounced with some kind of speech impediment! How retarded is that?

    I've also had trouble with typing on the keyboard (sometimes scrambling letters when i try to type as fast as I used to.) and live conversations (whether in a chat room or in person). I find it impossible to come up with the clever little comments that I used to conjure up without even trying. I feel like an idiot when I'm in the middle of a conversation between other people... I know the subject matter of their conversation shouldn't be hard to comment on or understand but it just makes no impression on me... It's very hard to engage in any kind of communication without sounding like a dullard. The thing that makes me wonder about whether or not this is caused by anxiety, is the notion that mental impairment that comes from anxiety is due to an overabundance of intrusive thoughts... It's not really like that at all for me, but more like my mental resources are being sucked out by invisible thoughts that I can't even monitor. My mind is a total blank, and I can't even fill it. Like there's no room. Have you ever felt that way?

    Oh, and second guessing every word out of my mouth is a big problem for me as well, except that it translates to reading/listening also... I'm so preoccupied with absorbing every word and memorizing every minute fact as I read it, that I end up comprehending very little (I used to have very high comprehension and retention without even trying... so long as I was interested in what I was reading).

    I suspected blood pressure earlier on in my condition, when I was having some intense physical symptoms (heart palpatations, lightning flashes, visual anomalies [floaters and stars], psychosomatic pains, dullened coordination [which I still suffer from], and head aches). Now I've been wondering about a possible hormone imbalance (which may also have caused my gynecomastia... don't even ask if you don't know.), which you may also want to look into.

    Lyme disease may also be a culprit, although you should be very careful about how you go about testing for that... Most doctors are complete idiots when it comes to diagnosing lyme disease, so you'll want to find a Lyme literate doctor to test (and treat, if applicable) you. Until then, don't freak out over it like I did... Lyme disease shares alot of symptoms with other diseases (including chronic fatigue/depression/anxiety disorder, which could also be caused by the Lyme disease.), and for months I had myself convinced I had it (still not sure, but I haven't gotten much worse over the last few months).

    Those mood cycles you mentioned may point to bi-polar disorder... Bi-polar cycling can occur from either hours or days (rapid cycling) to months or years and come on for no particular reason (although it's not uncommon to have triggers, as you seem to have). There's also more than one type of bipolar. There'll be plenty of info on the bipolar board for you to check out and see if that's a possibility. I also suffered from that sort of phenomenon, where I'd be getting into a new project with a whole new vigor... though that's a distant memory (Havent had much to be excited about lately). For the past year I've been foggy, pretty much non-stop, without much fluctuation.

    [This message has been edited by Lectus (edited 09-29-2003).]
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    Old 09-28-2003, 11:18 PM   #3
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    Hi Tawny Toad

    I suffer from depression and I had all the symptoms you mentioned, half thoughts, words coming out wrong, fogginess, spaciness, dyslexic type stuff. You are not alone and you are not weird or anything. Please don't beat yourself up when this happens. It is obviously part of some illness.

    I agree with the above poster that the cycles sound like they could be bipolar, however the only way to know for sure is to tell your doctor all this stuff. And don't worry he has heard this same story tons of times. It is a very common effect from depression. That being said it could also be from so many other things, lack of sleep, blood pressure, thyroid problems etc.

    I had terrible insomnia and the tiredness definitely contributed to all these things. Do you get enough sleep?

    I urge you to tell your doctor everything you put in your post. You could even print it out and show it to him if that would be easier. I am sure he will have some answers for you. You are probably just driving yourself crazy with all the wondering in the mean time.

    Right now is the time to take extra gentle care of yourself. You are not having a hard time right now for no reason. There is an explanation for all this you just have to find out what it is.

    I wish you the best of luck

    Old 09-28-2003, 11:34 PM   #4
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    xanax causes short term memory problems by the way

    Old 02-16-2004, 01:05 PM   #5
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    Re: Is this depression? (Please HELP!!!)

    I have the same symptoms as yours in speech.
    I can't figure out the words to make a sentence, sometimes I would just go aaaaaaa and put up some other comparable word for it. My short term memory is bad too.

    I think I am suffering from depression. I haven't been to a phychologist yet. But I also suffer from Allergic Rhinititis, which i suspect can be causing the fog.

    Recently I noted that my allergy got cured, i.e my nose was not wet all the time, and I could smell. This concided with my mental clarity increasing.

    Otherwise I would feel like no sense or thought is having its way to my brain. It was empty.

    I don't have blood pressure and am taking no medicine for depression.

    Old 02-16-2004, 06:02 PM   #6
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    Re: Is this depression? (Please HELP!!!)

    Have you been tested for ADD?
    Choose the devil you don't know.

    Old 02-17-2004, 01:18 AM   #7
    lori j
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    Re: Is this depression? (Please HELP!!!)

    You don't mention if you are or have been on meds for depression and anxiety. If you have, then I can tell you that AD meds can cause all of that brain fog. I have it a lot from the meds & so do a lot of people I know. Also, having too many things going can cause it too, you really don't pay attention to what you are doing at the moment as your mind is way ahead thinking of what you want to do next. When you are occupied with a project, I bet things are better, as your mind is not wandering but concentrating on that one project..

    Old 02-17-2004, 06:30 AM   #8
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    Re: Is this depression? (Please HELP!!!)

    While I was reading your first post in this topic I felt so related to you. All you said I can say that I went through it in some point in my life.
    Even when I was ok, before the depression and all, I used to forget why I went to certain places... I would just turn back and get back on my own steps and that way I would remember... That happened a lot and I really didn't bother or worry about it.
    Right now, I do forget words a lot... I don't think the way I used to... Typing is something hard sometimes... I could type the same word several times until I type it right, Also when speaking I would say the wrong words... It drives me crazy.
    Then, about the times when you're busy and happy and you're bored and depressed I guess that we all went through that in some point of our lives. When we have something exciting to do I think we're all living into that and have no time to be depressed or bored. But when there's nothing exciting to do things get boring... I think that somehow it's normal, unless this changes are too usual...

    I'm not sure I helped at all, I just wanted to let ya know that you're not alone. I'm a female of 22 years old and I'm going through something similar... the memory loss is really ******* me off.

    * Excuse my sometimes poor English, it's not my native language *

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