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    Old 08-15-2006, 10:23 AM   #1
    Multiple Man
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    Unhappy A life less than ordinary

    For some reason there is this compacity of hope I have always tried my best to maintain. After awhile you realize your hoping for the impossible. I have wasted my life hoping and believing and hoping. Life...Well.. my life, is a series of illusions. Wherever I was before, Im far from that now. Some holes we dig are deeper than others. There is 6 feet under and then there is being so lost your asking yourself, which way is up. Ive been through 13 different psychiatrists, a slew of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and anti-psychotic medications. Programs, groups, and hospitals. I feel constantly patronized. I\'m anxious and full of hatred, bitterness and jealousy. My heart was warm once. Now every beat grows cold. I\'ll cut to the chase. I hate myself. I am ashamed of my existence even though I know deep down I didn\'t down anything wrong to deserve this. I didn\'t help much though.

    I\'m sickening. Atroscious excuse for a human being. And grotesque in every way imaginable. So here is a million dollar question. How do I stop hating myself? How can I love something I hate intensely? I\'m severely depressed and have been for about 12 years because I cant move. Im stuck in this same viscous cycle. Mentally, I feel like I am in a constant rerun of the Twightlight zone. I dont have control over my mind. It has control over me. I have so many destructive beliefs about myself. I\'m ugly, im weak, sensitive, have no talent or skill. And well, theyre all true. If not, the world would tell me. The world reflects the truth. Or at least what really matters to survive and thrive here.

    I probably understand the main source of my illness. But its the one thing I cant change. I saw too much. I opened my eyes too wide. I listened too intently. I stared too hard intot he cold hard truth. Into human nature. I was hurt too much. Abused too often. Branded by hate. The bruises, the bones. They eventually healed. The words and images stuck to me like superglue. I cant let go. I cant let go of my envy. My jealousy. I cant accept what I am. I cant find a conceivable way to be happy or content. And I cant find any good reasons to be me. I\'ve resign myself to the fact that I\'m physically appaulling. And being born this way has affected every fiber of my life. And there is nothing I can do but stare into a mirror and cry. Wishing life was more kinder. Im tired of punching mirrors. And wishing for things I dont have.

    Sitting here trying to find a deeper meaning for life and scratch off all of the things that would seem meaningless on the surface. But in this world, there are just certain things that will always be constant. I cant find any meaning or purpose for myself. I dont know why I was born. I wish I wasnt here. But I am and basically trying to make the best of a bad life. I open my eyes too wide. Just too many people out there with too much. And too many people with nothing. So just because I was born this way there is nothing I can do. Well then life isnt about will power or free will. There just seems to be less and less options to eradicate my problems.

    The world has become a beauty contest. In every aspect of life, physically, finacially, intellectually we are all clumped into a class or catorgory. Im at the bottom of each barrell. is there a strategy that could help me compete in the world of the beautiful, even im the complete opposite. There is no way i can oppose it. It has destroyed my life. And has destroyed me. The world decides who most of us are. How we will walk, talk and portray ourselves. How confident or outgoing we are. How soon we can find love. How we are socially. How successful we are in life.

    Appearance discrimination, unlike more publicized forms of discrimination, is challenging to document. If I was a strong difference making man with leadership qualities and thick skin maybe I would have set a movement or something. But, im not that man. My life is so utterly useless and ungifted. Most times its too much for me to take. Just living as this person. Just living in this prison. Prisoner of my on mind and flesh. A life sentence with no parole. And no hope of every being free.

     
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    Old 12-22-2006, 02:23 PM   #2
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    Have you considered the VNS or ECT?

    Take care

     
    Old 12-22-2006, 05:59 PM   #3
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    I used to feel just like this too. I had the lowest self-esteem and I actually DID hurt people. I cheated people. I thought it would be revenge for the way everyone treated me. It ended up being something I'd hold as regret for the unforeseeable future.

    A broken heart then made things 100x worse. I would keep having these hopes and dreams, and they'd just keep getting crushed.

    I listened and tried heeding most advice I was given, but either because I was too stubborn, ignorant and/or stupid, I did not really see the obvious things right in front of me.

    I began to fix things by starting from the inside out. I wanted to fix my self-esteem first. Through doing this I realized that no matter what I was unhappy with (nose, hair, body, etc..), fixing it didn't help. It helped for a short time until I just started being unhappy about something else.

    I realized that trying to change myself physically will not do. My problem was deeper and I had to deep down more to find and eliminate it.

    I realized that physical appearance is really just a reflection of your soul. Your mental image of yourself.

    While looks DO count some bit, your attitude about life, confidence, expectations and how you deal with things are all very significant.

    You can't live wanting to find the right person, or being depressed that you've never been laid, or that you can't get with girl X, Y or Z, or ANY. These things aren't going to fix your depression and they are not the real reason you are depressed. They are just excuses, or beliefs that your brain just dwells on to make yourself feel better.

    Your problem is not your physical looks, it's not love, it's nothing external. No one is REALLY happy with their physical body. Our dream image of ourself is in total contrast to what we see in a mirror. We just learn to accept who we are, and we learn to accept that the people who do not accept others for who they are, are themselves worthless.

    You talked about life being a beauty contest. You are only looking at the surface. People have internal struggles, problems, broken hearts, crushed dreams, etc. Most people are NOT beautiful. The majority of us are average-ugly looking, we have a decent enough IQ to be able to read, write and comprehend basic information, and we aren't rich.

    The people you are seeing only represent maybe 10% of our entire population. Physical attributes really don't mean anything towards your well-being. We call that being shallow, and we use that term because you literally aren't digging deep down to see where the real problem lies and how to fix it.

    People are not going to really pay attention to you unless you have something to offer. If you're born with a gigantic penis or a handsome face, then you already have some things to offer and that's great, but if you weren't born with these things, then you have to work your way up.

    You need beliefs. If you don't want to follow a preset one like an organized religion, you should build your own beliefs. Organized religion isn't real, but it does give people something to follow.

    Take what you feel as a challenge to yourself. Suicide is ALWAYS an option, so don't think about it. Stop watching TV and reading celebrity magazines. These things don't teach you anything. We're all going to die, so find out what you want to do before you're dead and just work towards it.

    For the most part, none of us really go out and have sex with girls that have the faces and bodies of super models. Sex is NOT everything, and looks are NOT everything.

    One thing I realized after I finally got with a girl was that I would rather be alone. I would rather tinker with things and learn more, spend time with my hobbies and just better enhance my brain for my own well-being.

    A partner is not going to fix anything other than your raging hormones. You might also have some support, but it's not as different as the support people get from boards like this, or therapy.

    It's a little complex, because I noticed that if I have a partner, then I feel like I want to be alone, but as soon as I am alone I get depressed and feel like I want to be with something. I eventually got over this and realized that since I am young, I should just go with the flow of life and do what I feel is right RIGHT NOW and let the future unfold as-is.

    I've always tried to avoid having to live a 'normal' life, but I have come to the conclusion that the people that do, are enlightened. Well, they are ignorant because - like you said - they haven't seen "the cold hard truth." Ignorance IS bliss sometimes however.

    The cold hard truth, which most of us learn eventually, is that life is.. pointless. We will die someday.. and nothing big or special is going to happen while we're alive. We are not going to **** the dream girls we had in our heads all that time, and we aren't going to drive race cars and be as cool as Tyler Durden. These are things we all eventually learn to accept.

    The sad truth is that you never really get over the regret or the broken heart(s) you have. One other fact, however, is that you aren't alone. You have to learn to live in the present. The past is the past, and the future is likely not going to be as you dream it, so don't put so much hope into it. Put hope into the present. LIVE in the present.

    People can achieve happiness no matter their physical limitations. It's not something I would've paid attention to or believed just a year ago, but now this is what I preach.

    I will admit, the psychedelics REALLY helped me dig deep into my head and deal with my personal problems. Being against the rules of this board, and illegal in most countries, I cannot recommend that you try them. I will claim, however, that an open mind and a light heart will get you through almost anything.

    I'm not talking about fate, but when things go wrong, or just don't happen, it's never the end of the world.

    I will end this by saying, that I am generally a depressed guy. I have been realizing a lot of things lately, but I still have a lot of pain, especially in my heart, because I really screwed up recently and it was 100% my fault.

    However, I have decided to quit focusing so much attention on my hobbies and on my future goals and spend more time in the present. It's not something I'm proud of, or really even WANT, but fitting into society and staying in communication with people helps.

    Hobbies are good to keep you busy in your spare time, but (this is MY opinion only) I think that a balance has to be made between that and maintaining a social life.

    There's a lot more to life than being the prettiest, smartest, or richest. I can't tell you exactly because it really is different for every person. It's something you just have to find.

    Have respect and take advice from people who are older and have more experience than you. I am probably a lot younger than you, but what I'm talking about are parents, older relatives and friends, people you look up to (authors, artists, etc). I highly doubt you can read about somebody's life and not find a dozen flaws, especially at the ages of 18 to early 20s.

    There's a reason we don't all kill ourselves, even though most of us ARE or HAVE BEEN depressed and all went through the same phase you're going through now.

    Overall, life is boring and pointless; You shouldn't look at it from start to finish, but pay attention to the current moment. Things eventually fall into place, and as long as you don't put ALL your hope into one thing for fixing your depression, you'll realize that you won't be getting sad or disappointed as much as you do now.

    If you haven't tried medication, DEFINITELY try an anti-depressant. It can't hurt and it took me years before I actually gave some a try. It really changed my outlook on life just being on them for a month or two. I wish I would have started taking them when my depression began, instead of trying to fix it on my own.

    Last edited by joebloggs2; 12-24-2006 at 12:00 AM.

     
    Old 12-22-2006, 06:15 PM   #4
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    Darn, it's an old post. I hope he reads the replies though.

     
    Old 12-23-2006, 07:45 PM   #5
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    hi joe,

    just wanted to say that the words of advice and inspiration you wrote here should be printed in a little leaflet/pamphlet and spread around. nobody could have done a better job!!! one could feel that they came from your heart! they made me feel better!
    thanks, joe! and to think you're so young, and so wise!!!!
    you should be a writer! i'm serious!

    blessings to you, and happy holidays

     
    Old 12-27-2006, 06:35 AM   #6
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    Joe, Im just now reading your reply. Took 5 months for someone to actually read it and pay attention to me and care enough to reply. So I thank you immensly. Ill try to give my best reply.

    I've been lower than low, but I never crossed the line of actually hurting people intentionally. I dont do bad things but it doesnt mean I dont think about it, or even secretly wish bad things upon people. Specifically people who are oozing with beauty and virtue and will never know the adversity and anguish people who suffer from mental disorders face. My heart has been crushed into a million pieces. About as many as my broken mind. And still being stomped on constantly, as if there was anything left. You weren't really being stupid because of other people trying to advise you. When your in this state, advice doesn't really translate well. Its like someone reading Russian to you. I can't understand how to apply alot of the advice given.

    My issues are obviously deeper than my outward appearance. But Im deeply affected by everything I see in the mirror. Its almost impossible for me to accept what I see. Because frankly, noone else has. I don't think how I look on the outside is a reflection of my soul. I dont believe I have a ugly soul. Lost soul, maybe. My outside doesn't compliment the inside. Rendering my inside basically useless in this world. All my intelligence, charisma, humor, and compassion is never really discovered because its buried under a immensely ugly, unattractive, unloveable man. I don't know or understand how people want me to deal with or accept being lonely. Am I suppose to just, accept never being able to share my life with someone because of the way I was born? If I die because of this, it will be mostly because I couldnt take having a heart so big and not being able to use it. I get patronized alot with people telling me to buy a animal or pet. I guess because I look like a animal. I should be with my own species.

    I can't really respond to your statements about getting laid and sexual organs cos none of that really applies to me. Lack of sex is nowhere near my problem. Lack of love and a severe lack of self-worth is my problem. Love isnt external. If it was just external Id go buy it. No love is to me is, well, everything. Unless your heart is cold and black, you will feel the pain and suffering from the huge void that is inside you. It seems so much like a essential nutrient to our way of life. And yes, being without it creates unspeakable envy and misery in me. I wouldn't have any problem accepting who I am if the world didnt make such a big deal out of it. I cant run from it, I cant hide from it, its everywhere, in every corner of this earth. Its the dark part of human nature. I can accept something that I cant change, especially if there is no substance behind having it. I cant accept something in life that tells me I cant live, experience or have something that is next to our own God given rights and is so special and meaningful, that those experiences are in essence bigger than life itself. Thats basically compromising with happiness and quality of life because I was born with the face of low expectations. So is it wrong for the ugliest person in the world to think he should have every right to have just as good of a life as the most beautiful person? People that tell me to accept things are basically telling me to give up my rights, because im ugly.

    If I had a choice between being handsome, average or ugly. Id choose average. I think everyone just be average. One of Gods mistakes was distinguishing between beauty and ugliness. Oh by the way, I envy the average just as much as the beautiful. Im not vain nor shallow, just someone who has been abused and made to feel inferior all because of the way I look and the color of my skin. I do not believe I would have went through even half of what I have if I looked different, or normal. I know the deep issue that is within me is that I was born with a condition mentally. But it was only amplified through mental and physical abuse. I do think about suicide alot. Its almost comforting. When the smoke and flames become to unbearable, theres always that window you can jump out of.

    I guess we vastly differ on the significance of having a partner. My hormones arent really raging. Just my heart. I look at it more as what that person can give me internally. Love, companionship, strength, meaning, children, a family, responsibility, someone to depend on, someone to grow old with, someone to face the world and all of its challenges. Life to me is easier when you dont have to do everything alone. And dont have to wake up alone on Christmas and New Years. Being tormented by christmas songs and watching people and families celebrate. There is more to another human being than just sex. I hope you know that. Far far more. People can change you. Change everything about you. Save you even. Ive seen it far too many times.

    I guess at yoru young age you dont know what you want yet, and thats understandable. Im 28. I know what I want. The only flow of my life is chasing something that may never be within my reach. I agree life can be pointless to some. But not to people who love you, not to the children and other family members that visit your grave and try to carry on what youve given and taught them. No the future is not goign to be what I envision it to be. I hope its better. Why not? Why does everything have to be looked at from the bottom of the glass. Why cant things ever be better than even we imagine. Why does life have to be so predictable. If the present wasnt so empty i wouldnt intensely focus and drive myself crazy over tomorrow. When you want something so bad, its either I get it or I die, there is no middle gound, no acceptance, no compromising, no contentment.

    I had a friend shoot herself back in semptember in her parents closet. I dont fault her. I miss her so badly though. Her death has affected me alot. But I understand why she did what she did. I have no choice because I dont know what it feels like to be her. She was the most bipolar person I ever seen. She was also a very very beautiful woman inside and out. She was 20. Mature beyond her years, compassionate about animals and the enviroment. A veggatarian. If I didnt know better, I would have thought she was a angel. She always told me to hold on and never give up. And she did exactly what she preached to me and her friends. Although I have a hard time seeing her as giving up. I think she held on to the edge as long as she could. I think most people who make that ultimate personal decision, more or less fall from the edge, not jump. She wanted to save herself from further persecution and perhaps a life of making bad decisions because of her inability to make sound decisions cos of her condition. She coudlnt work, got pregnant to the wrong guy, and had a miscarriage. She shot herself 3 weeks after the miscarriage.

    Your throwing alot of low expectations at me and just making me feel more inferior to those who have miraculous lives. Well I feel entitled to some of that pie as well. I dont give a crap how ugly I am. But it doesnt matter if I can never find my place in this life, I will just move on to the next. This world is not worth suffering this much for. This life isnt worth living. Lifes not that precious. Go ask the people in Africa. This world isnt that great of a place. Im sorry God. But at least im honest.

    There is no pill for ugliness, and loneliness. So i guess im screwed right? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe ill reach that loophole and defy all odds. Maybe not. I know I have probably a narrow mind and a heavy heart. My outlook is heavily skewed by a childhood full of abuse, and a adulthood filled with misery. i dont blame the world for hating me. If only i was normal and accepted, I could have offered alot to alot of people. This heart used to harbor a enormous amount of compassion. Now there is only one thing that I look forward to seeing in my generation. That no matter how beautiful you are and were, no matter how much happiness and success you acheieved in life or how rich you were and what you accomplished, we all die. The worms and maggets will all dine on our flesh without discrimination or care for what we looked like before. And we will all look the same underneath the earth.

     
    Old 12-27-2006, 09:08 AM   #7
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    Hello R. I'm still pulling for you.

     
    Old 12-27-2006, 02:27 PM   #8
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    You wrapped up all of us in your closing statement. Yes, in the end, we are all the same, nothing but dust, no better than the next corpse beside our own. Society has made living a normal life for anyone, difficult.
    You are really deep with your writing and I believe you sound like you have a lot to offer. Your words should be heard by every child leaving high school and entering the real world out there.
    I pray that some day you find peace with yourself; I will be praying for you. Take care.

     
    Old 01-03-2007, 09:16 PM   #9
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    Hey life,

    You are not alone. You are here with the multitudes and comfortable in your room with family downstairs. Perhaps a love; imagined across an ocean. And I am told that mirrors are a false representation. The true mirrors are in the eyes of those we meet. But you have to look up to see them.... If I saw you when I was picking up my car or whatever, I would smile. You are the real thing. A rich personality and a warm one. It ain't nothing you can hide.

    I have a friend who says his dog is depressed and we feel perhaps a puppy is not always the answer. When your life is so miserable even your dog has the blues - then what.

    The answer - odd word spelling wise - is not something any one person can give you. I have lived under clouds similar to yours and there is a voice in my head, [g'ma? ] -who says: "I see you sitting under that cloud, such a pretty woman sitting under a cloud.... stand up girl. Walk out from under. Years go by! Stand up. Walk out from under. It's your choice."

    And I do try. Talking to others helps, huh.

    Water

     
    Old 01-04-2007, 06:53 AM   #10
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    You do have talents, you are a wonderful writer. listen, you're not here to win a contest. Everyone wishes they could change something about themselves. If you think beauty and money are the answer, your wrong. If you can't make yourself happy, try making others around you happy and stop dwelling on what you think is wrong with you. I'm sure you are judging yourself far to harshly.

     
    Old 01-06-2007, 07:39 PM   #11
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    Life, Whah!

    I thought we might have heard from you by now. I hope all is well. I look forward to reading the thoughts of one of the finest writers in this community. I'm looking out for you.

    Water

     
    Old 01-06-2007, 09:05 PM   #12
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    HI R,
    I think this is the old R ? Writing the same, but still no book out yet?, its me ajas, I been having a rough year or is it two, left my job, got dumped, father has cancer, starting chemo tuesday,but I still keep up my positive thoughts.
    Son had horrible car crash, facial lacerations and arm cut in several places.
    Whats been happening to you, to come back on the boards?....This is my first log in today in months and months, and you were the first post I read, stay and chat.
    Sue

     
    Old 01-07-2007, 02:53 AM   #13
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    Joeblogg - that was the most inspiring piece i've ever read in this forum. Thanks for lighten up my day. Practically what u said are mostly TRUE. If u ever become an author let me know okay?

     
    Old 02-17-2007, 07:08 PM   #14
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    rorororodddrororoddrodrrroorrorro!!

    how's the fight with mirrors going you big old teddy bear? Have you rozened your bow in the cafe of late? Any new pillows this year? Please check in.

    Water

     
    Old 02-18-2007, 01:04 PM   #15
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    Re: A life less than ordinary

    I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I've been judged ugly by some, even a woman I thought I loved and I thought loved me until I heard what she was saying about me -- read it, actually. My ugliness is from the inside, out and then back in again. Like a vicious circle. People react poorly to me because I am a short, thin, melancholic looking male, and when I detect their uneasiness or lack of enthusiasm, my face becomes sadder, or more tense and angry looking. The only escape I've ever had from the crushing sadness it brings is with meds. Which I am not currently taking.

    Sadly, they rob you of a sex drive and bring their own problems. Anyway, good luck.

    Last edited by stolie; 02-18-2007 at 01:05 PM.

     
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