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Just looking for a bit of help/advice

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Old 10-10-2006, 04:36 AM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2
edinburghman HB User
Just looking for a bit of help/advice

Hi everyone,

I hope you all dont mind me using your site just for me to find out about a few things regarding depression.

I have been with my Fiance for about 7 months now, its been a hard 7 months and is still hard, I think she has depression, she tells me she doesnt and just 'gets down about things' now and again.

I know its pretty hard to determine if someone has depression but the more that happens in this relationship the more I think she does.

She is constantly tired and has a low blood level
We never go out, not even to the cinema, or out for walks etc
Our plans to go out are always cancelled at the last minute
She cancels things because she doesnt feel like it or her hair isnt right
She doesnt talk about things to me, about life etc, just keeps it all in
She tends to make me go out on my own without her as she doesnt want me to get bored.]
She hides alot, hides her face, you know when someone talks to you and you look at them when you are speaking? She just cant do that.

She is taking (apologies if I get this wrong) St Johns Wort? Herbal tablets? I know that much, but she loses it when I tell her that I think she may be depressed.

Its a strange situation I am in because for months I have been thinking its ME! I make her unhappy, she cant look at me or do things with me because she cant be bothered, but now Im starting to think she is depressed, or has a form of depression.

She has treated people badly in the past, cheating on people and I tend to think she doesnt like her self much for doing that.

She has told me, since she has met me, she has changed, she doesnt want anyone else and is happy with me. I believe her. I just find it hard because I dont know what is wrong with her deep down and I feel a bit helpless. It doesnt matter how many bunch of flowers I give her, how many calls I make to her, how many times I tell her I love her, she just doesnt seem a happy person deep down.

Any advice here? Sorry for going on a bit, I just worry about her a lot.


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Old 10-10-2006, 05:55 AM   #2
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Mt USA
Posts: 427
BlueSteam HB User
Re: Just looking for a bit of help/advice

Edinburghman, Good for you for taking the time to try helping your girlfriend!
I know a lot of guys that would just give up, so I think it's great that you're trying to help her.

From what you wrote, I'm wondering if she doesn't have a little social anxiety? At one point I was going to take St. Johns Wort for anxiety--I'm sure that's what it's for. And, because she is taking it, I'll bet she already has an idea about what's wrong with her. Anxiety can certainly turn into depression, but I would ask her about the anxiety and hold back on the depression and see what she says. I've been told that the herb she's taking doesn't really work. Has she tried taking vitamins?

Does she stay home alone when you go out? If you do get her out, how does she act? I know that when I went out (for the sake of my boyfriend at the time) I would break into a sweat and thought I was going to pass out. And, how was she before you were engaged? Sorry about all the questions! There are many differant meds out there that could help her. I only took mine when I actually had an attack, and eventually things got better for me.

Let us know how things are going--and this IS what the board is for--don't worry.

Old 10-10-2006, 06:37 AM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2
edinburghman HB User
Re: Just looking for a bit of help/advice

Thank you for the reply, to be honest I was going to give up and it was really affecting me and I started to get down about it, thinking I wasnt good enough etc, she has told me its nothing to do with me, so I have to believe her.

She says its for 'Mild Depression' but looking at it on the net, I didnt think it was something that would make a significant difference. But, what do I know?

So whats Anxiety then? The symptons I have listed, would that tell you that its Anxiety? Im a bit non-educated about these things you see! She does take vitamins I believe, but she has no energy and really cant be bothered doing things, which she admits and tells me.

Well, the first thing I have done wrong is I dont really go out much without her, if at all, as for some reason I feel bad about it, leaving her and me going out. So when she cancels me, I just stay in and watch tv or something.

Well when we go out, its very very late at night, by the time she gets ready, or says she takes the time to get ready, its 11pm, thats just going to see a film! So the cinema is dead, its hard to explain really, but if we go out she tends to sometimes walk ahead of me, or wont hold my hand, and if I dont she asks why I dont hold her hand, I got to the point when I starting to say things like 'you can hold my hand, or you can hug me' I kinda felt I was doing all the work if you know what I mean?

Before we got engaged she was ok, but looking back, she wouldnt let me come up if she was tired, or didnt look well (according to her, I think she looks fine) and I have learnt not to use the word 'fine' either, and she goes off on one if I say she looks fine when she asks if she looks ill. Its a strange situation i feel Im in.

She doesnt have 'attacks' but can act very strangely at times, as I said above, going out with me very very late when the cinema is dead, I went down to Wales to meet her mum and dad and she wont come and meet my mum and dad. I questioned that too and she said 'Im not you, am i?' which I kind of took offence too, probably me being irrational about it.

Im trying to think of other examples, Im off work at the moment with the Flu, hence im on the net! and she is at her work and she is off tomorrow (her day off) and she asked me to stay off tomorrow too so she can see me all day, but I cant, and she just sent me a text message saying 'It sounds like you dont want to see tomorrow' when its pretty simple that I cant take another day off as Im feeling better and I need to get back to work.

Honestly, its difficult to deal with, as i dont know how to and Im a pretty alright guy, I mean I dont treat anyone badly, or ever have done and some of the things she has said to me in the past have really hurt and I have nearly walked out a few times, but she has started to explain its just her and they way she is.

Does that make any sense?

Old 10-11-2006, 03:20 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 1,400
Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: Just looking for a bit of help/advice

hi edinburgh,

i've been reading this thread from the begining, and i seriously believe that your fiance has issues that are in need of some professional attention at this point in time.

what bluesteam said is correct; 1. kudos for you for sticking it out with your mate, for identifying there's something going on here, and for trying to help her. 2. it' s not you who causes the problem here, and it's not you who can solve it, as hard as you may try--believe me, i know from experience, that is, from being more like your fiance. 3. that st. john's wort herb does not really have much of an effect for people with more serious problems 4. lack of energy and being constantly tired aren't good signs, and they may indicate the presence of other physical issues....

just to put in my two cents, i think your fiance should have a thorough physical check-up, including all kinds of tests, etc., to rule out anything going on with her immune system....thyroid function, etc....

i've alwasy been told that anxiety and depression go hand in hand...or one may lead to the other.... fortunately, there is much help out there for her, if she would only reach out for it.

once again, you're to be admired for being such a good fiance!!!
good luck to you both!!!!

Old 10-11-2006, 05:00 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 6,005
Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Just looking for a bit of help/advice

Edinburghman, I am going to take I slightly different view than Dakota and Bluestream. You have only been with her for 7 months so it isn't like you have been with her for 10 years. Also, is this the way that you want to spend your life? I would tell her that she needs to get some help and work on these things. Support is great if a person is doing the work to make things better. These are your decisions, though. Good luck to you.

Old 10-11-2006, 05:42 AM   #6
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Mt USA
Posts: 427
BlueSteam HB User
Re: Just looking for a bit of help/advice

I can't argue with the other two posters--they have great advice! A lot of the symptoms you described made me feel that it is anxiety. I went through it myself. I managed to get over mine, but it took about 4 years and I did it with very little medication. I took xanax once in a while.

Some of the things you said kind of raised a red flag to me. You said she was fine before you were engaged, and walking ahead of you and not holding your hand, worries me. Just to be totally honest--the only time I ever did that was when I really didn't want to be seen with someone. There is, by the way, nothing wrong with going out without her How is she acting strangely? I'm not trying to make you doubt her or your relationship, but making you feel guilty for not taking time off of work is wrong. I was dating a guy when I was having my anxiety, but never did some of these things--in fact, it was quite the opposite, I clung for support. Everybody is different though.

I guess the first thing I would do is insist she see's a dr to make sure there are no physical problems--then if there's not, or she won't go then re-examine your relationship. I sincerely hope I didn't offend you with anything I said... but I couldn't help but wonder about a couple things. Keep in touch and let us know how you both are doing.

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