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mothers :(


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Old 10-24-2006, 09:45 PM   #1
WanderingSoul
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mothers :(

Okay, I know I've whined about this on here before... more than once... but, WHY do I have to have such contemptuous feelings toward my mother!?!?!?

There is a part of me that really and truly hates a part of her.

And I know, it's mainly the fear of her anger.. Due to 2 times in my past (once when I was 16, and once about a year ago, when I was 22) where she pretty much blew up at me and turned into a monster and scared the crap out of me... I realize that that's it.. or at least a huge part of it.

But why, oh why, do I cringe with such dread when she comes to hug me goodnight? I think it's her desperateness that bothers me.

But why does it bother me so much?

I mean... I just do not know what to do anymore.. I pretty much know the reasons that I have problems with her (anger about her scaring me those 2 times; and anger/pity that she is emotionally desperate)... But that does NOT change anything, as far as how I feel toward her.

ARGH..

I thought that once you got to the "root" of your problems, it would somehow be easy to solve them.. But I just don't know. I am at a standstill.

 
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Old 10-25-2006, 06:58 PM   #2
Sannah
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Re: mothers :(

You are just not to the root yet. Also, sounds like you don't have any power in this relationship because you let her hug you when you don't want to be hugged.

Last edited by Sannah; 10-25-2006 at 07:02 PM.

 
Old 10-26-2006, 01:49 PM   #3
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Question Re: mothers :(

Did you talk to her about how you feel? Has she ever apologized for her harsh actions? Maybe you should allow some distance from her for a little while until you figure it out.

 
Old 10-26-2006, 07:53 PM   #4
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Re: mothers :(

Oh yes, she has apologized profusely. She feels awful about the whole thing. That is part of the problem though. The intense feelings.

I just want all the feelings to stop sometimes, you know? Intensity hurts.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 06:23 AM   #5
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Re: mothers :(

Wandering, has your mother inundated you with her intense feelings your entire life? If she has, this could be why you are so angry with her. This would be quite a burden for you, especially for a young child. Young children should not hear about adult problems at all. If a parent uses her child as a sounding board, a confidant, a friend, this is totally inappropriate. This child would loose her childhood being worried about adult issues. Especially if the child then felt responsible for the welfare of the parent. This is a bit turned around and opposite of how it should be. Did your mother raise you by herself?

Last edited by Sannah; 10-27-2006 at 06:24 AM.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 02:09 PM   #6
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Re: mothers :(

dear sannah and wandering,

whereas i was able to put some distance between my mother and i, wandering is too caring and much closer to her mom than i ever was! she really cares about her mom, even if she doesn't like how her mom makes her feel sometimes.

to quote her, she feels: anger/pity that she [her mom] is emotionally desperate....

sannah, you are completely right when you say that it's not our (children's) responsibility to take care of our parents' issues and emotional problems. i probably would be like wandering, if the distance between my mother and myself (in my mind and my heart) wasn't so huge!!!! i mean, my sister is exactly like wandering. even though our mom isn't exactly wonderful to be around, my sister still cares for her and loves her, and tries to do anything she can to help her (sis is also seeing a therapist now and then). she sees our mom as a lonely, bitter woman, who's had to deal with a lot of bs in her life, and who's still dealing with it, in terms of going to visit my dad in the nursing home (he had a stroke six years ago and is paralyzed on the right side) every single day, after she gets off from work; who doesn't seem to have a life of her own; who doesn't go out; who doesn't really have a support groupk, etc... my sister's more open, i guess, her heart is more open to my mother's ails.... she definitely reminds me of wandering, although i'm sure the nature of the issues in both families are quite different....

i don't know why that is; i wish i could be more "loving," more "giving," but i just cant!!! it seems over the years this thin thread that still connected me and my mother sort of completely dissolved...

and one more thing...until the age of about 10-11 years old, i lived with and was raised by my grandparents. so, in a sense they were my first set of parents. now they're both dead. i've come to terms with that. although i still miss them when things go wrong, when i feel so depressed that i want to crawl into a hole, or press a button and sleep for 2 years, and when i'm in the dark, so to speak....but, hey, i really accepted that this is life...you're born, you live, you die. that's it.

maybe my mother never accepted the fact that i loved my grandmother more. she knows this, since i've told her during one of our "talks" (well, she was mostly criticising, judging, and making deprecating remarks towards me, rather than talking). i wanted to love her, and i still do. i never harmed anything or anyone in my whole life. i was always open to having someone to talk to, to trust, someone older than me, to offer me some advice in life.... but, it never came to pass. she always thought i was faking it, or that i didn't want to be close to her, or that i hated her, and i can't imagine where she got these ideas... she never held my secrets, even when i was a teen; when she found out i had depression, she said i was crazy. she believes in pains and pills, but only in the kind that you can touch, and pills that you take for a "real" reason. and she never forgets to reming me that she takes seven pills a day (for hypertension, diabetes, her heart, her hyperthyroidism)....it's always been her venting to me, but when i vent to her, forget it....it's impossible!!!!!

she wasn't there for either one of my grandparents' funerals. i think she's overcompensating now with taking care of my father, by going to his nursing home daily....and her hyperthyroidism gives her a false sense of energy....she doesn't understand my low level of energy. i'm tired of dealing with her issues; have enough of my own. i've tried to befriend her...it's not working!!!!!!! so, we remain pleasant to each other, on a superficial level most of the time. but like i said, my sis took over more, in terms of helping her with .... i don't even know what, with some things...

do you know that when i actually tried to tell her that i really needed to speak to her about my life, or something important that happened to me, or anytime we hold celebrations, such as b-days, holidays, etc., we actually have to make "dates" with her???? and when she comes, she stays with us (my sis and myself) for about one hour, two hours tops...then goes to see my dad in the nursing home? yeah, that's what it's come to.

i'm so tired of talking about it and for rambling. guys, people have years and years of "stuff" all added together, that sometimes i think it's impossible to untangle it all in one lifetime....

 
Old 10-27-2006, 03:04 PM   #7
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Re: mothers :(

Sounds like you still live at home with your mother? I hated my mom until I moved out of the house. Sometimes we just need to get out and away from our parents and be independent.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 03:35 PM   #8
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Re: mothers :(

hi kari,

if you were asking me, no, i don't live with my mother. i live in my own place, which i'm proud to say i've bought two years ago (still paying for it though). have lived away from my mother for the past ten years or so. i'm completely independent and self-reliant, but emotionally i'm still immature, i guess....

 
Old 10-27-2006, 06:41 PM   #9
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Re: mothers :(

Dakota, I agree with you, it depends on what type of person you are that can determine what the outcome will be on the child. I have one daughter who is soooooo sensitive. I do remember Wandering mentioning how sensitive she is. I have another daughter who is pretty tough. She can take a lot from people. You say that you wish that you could have a better relationship with your mother. Gee, I have never had that thought in my life! I guess I am a realist, a survivor. I need to survive and I will do whatever I need to do to thrive. I would need to be a magician to create a relationship with my mother that had any substance to it (we talk fine). I have much better things to do with my time then to throw it away on what would be an endless endeavor with no satisfying outcome. My mother just doesn't have the ability to be close to anyone (except my father, my dad is very understanding and is flexible). Maybe your mother doesn't have the ability either.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 07:32 PM   #10
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Re: mothers :(

Yes I am living with my mom right now. I hate myself for it.

No she did not burden me with her emotions when I was a child. Mostly just from teenage years to now (age 23).

Dakota, do you live in NYC? To be independent and self sufficient there is very impressive!

 
Old 10-27-2006, 07:42 PM   #11
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Re: mothers :(

I was directing that to Wanderingsoul the person who wrote the initial message. I try to direct my responses to the person who is asking for help. I am sure that is part of the problem. It is tough to get out on your own that's for sure. Try not to let it bother you that you feel upset with your mother when she goes to hug you. Personally I think that is natural. It's a way of being independent. You are dependant on her and living there and you resent that. You'll get out someday and your relationship with your mother will improve. Just work in a way to become independant.

 
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