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I've stopped living for myself

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Old 10-30-2006, 07:26 PM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2006
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Veldan HB User
I've stopped living for myself

Pretty long post.

My problems all started back in Grade 3 or 4. I was teased and made fun of constantly. This pretty much continued up until Grade 8. During that time I did talk to teachers, which didn't do much. There were days that I came home, started crying, and wanted to jump off of my balcony (Mind you this was still while I was very young).

But I didn't.

At that point I pretty much stopped living for myself. I knew that if I jumped I would be taking the easy way out, and also I knew that my parents cared about me. So from that point on I pretty much started living for my parents and everything was fine.

My parents got a divorce while I was 15.

Fast forward to the 2005/2006 school year (Grade 12). There was a girl in one of my classes, we flirted quite a bit, but I never asked her out. I felt that I wasn't good enough. This led to me cutting myself. Still have scars on my forearm. During the Easter weekend, I snapped, went to the store brought about 80 caffeine pills and swallowed all of them. Why did I do this? Because I was fed up with myself, I hated myself, and the previous fact of my family being something to live for was shattered.

I called 911.

At the hospital I did have a psyche evaluation, but I was deemed not dangerous (I knew what to say for them to let me go).

From then on in, everything went back to the way it was.

During the summer I had a job. In this job I met my ex-girlfriend. After about two months of working together, we did hit it off. Best two and a half months of my life.

Until we broke up (Beginning of this October). For the past few days I haven't been feeling too good. In the morning I ended up cutting myself again (I know where this path leads and I don't want to go down it again).

Having my Ex with me gave me something to do. Right now I pretty much sit at home and play video games (My dad told me that video games were bad so me continuously playing them isn't really helping my situation) and so I need something to do - quickly. Personally, I do not think that I have any interests, video games? Hah, go put that on an profile and see how many hits you get. Yet at the same time, people always tell me how caring, respectful, kind, and understanding I am. So why can't I show this towards myself?

Random paragraph I couldn't fit in anywhere: Personally, I --NEED-- another relationship to hold me together, to give me something to do, to take up my time, to show me that I am actually valuable to someone. Does my Ex know that I'm feeling like this? Nope, and I'm not really intending to tell her.

All in all, what was the point of this post? I don't know, careless ranting? Self-observation? A cry for help? I don’t know…

Edit: I should get out and get more hobbies... I should, if anything that would be the first step for me.

Last edited by Veldan; 10-30-2006 at 07:31 PM.

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Old 10-30-2006, 09:50 PM   #2
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: I've stopped living for myself

I usually do not respond to these types of posts so if anything comes across ignore it. You seem to have all the answers already, you know you need more hobbies, you know you need to get out more, etc. The one thing that seemed odd is you need a relationship to hold yourself together, in my opinion you need to concentrate on improving your well being so you are able to give a 100% to your next relationship

Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

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Old 10-31-2006, 04:55 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: I've stopped living for myself

Veldan, when a person is mistreated like you were when you were teased, the person concludes that they are worthless because why else would they be treated so poorly. Maybe this is why you don't feel very valuable. Sounds like you might be a cutter because you want to punish yourself. Have you ever considered counseling to explore all of this stuff? Get a piece of paper and write on it "I am a valuable person" or whatever else would be a better message for yourself. Read it every day several times until you believe it and then take care of yourself. Good luck to you.

Old 10-31-2006, 04:54 PM   #4
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WanderingSoul HB User
Re: I've stopped living for myself


I can relate to a lot of the sentiments you share. I, too, feel empty on my own, and only feel good about myself if I am involved romantically w/ someone. We can't be so dependent on other people like that though. No one is responsible for one's happiness but oneself. By the same token, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Including your parents.

As far as hobbies, I'm the same way... Feel like I don't really DO anything, or have any interests. I don't think there is anything wrong with video games. A lot of people enjoy those. Recently I signed up for a yoga class.. And even though it's just once a week, I feel like it's a step toward DOING something, pursuing a hobby or some sort. Sometimes I don't feel like going, I would prefer to just curl up in bed... but when I actually do go, I feel a lot better. If yoga doesn't interest you, what about tae kwon do or something? I think having something physical is good.

Also you might want to consider joining a book club.. That's something I"ve been contemplating for a while as well..

Anyways... glad ot have you here at the boards (But don't make the mistake I've made in the past, spending alllllllllllllllllll your time here... it can get addictive!)

Old 10-31-2006, 07:37 PM   #5
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 77
Veldan HB User
Re: I've stopped living for myself

Thank you for all of the replies everyone. Right now I'm having my friend teach my guitar, so that for now, that is a step in the right direction.

Out of all of the things said, one sentence struck me hard:
Originally Posted by WanderingSoul
By the same token, you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Including your parents.
This is true, I can't be responsible for their happiness, but in that case, I would have been responsible for their grief, and by my book, grieving another person is something that I can't do unless I have a justified reason.

Last edited by Veldan; 10-31-2006 at 07:38 PM.

Old 11-01-2006, 06:28 AM   #6
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WanderingSoul HB User
Re: I've stopped living for myself

I suppose... But, well, I have a pretty cynical view on death these days.. And a lot of times I feel great resentment toward my mom because I feel like she is the only reason I cannot bring myself to kill myself. (Disclaimer: this is not a suicide threat; I'm not actually suicidal; but, like many depressed people, the idea of it sometimes crosses my mind.)

But, perhaps one day when we're well, we'll be thanking our parents for the same reason... I dunno. I guess I have a long way to go, in that area.

Anyways... in the mean time, I guess, hang in there *hugs*

Edit: And I think the guitar thing sounds GREAT!!!!

Last edited by WanderingSoul; 11-01-2006 at 06:30 AM.

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