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PLEASE any coping skills?

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Old 11-19-2006, 02:09 PM   #1
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makeworldgoaway HB User
PLEASE any coping skills?

I'm not on medication for depression or seeing a therapist though I know I need both and I have not been professionally diagnosed with depression but I know I have been for years and once again it is getting real bad. I was married at 16, still am, will be 50 next month and my husband is 52 and he is the reason for my depression and We have 3 grown children and he was emotionally abusive to me and the kids and still is and Things seemed to get better and still are better than then, just because we don't have kids around. However he takes all the joy out of living, he is very cynical and sees the bad in everything and he isn't happy unless he is unhappy.Twice many many years ago when I was younger and a little braver than now (but I've always been a coward) we separated, once at his choice and he even had a girlfriend to move in with. But he would come over whenever he want with a "this is my house" attitude, and eventually wanted to get back together and came over either angry and scary sounding or pleading. I did not want to get back together, never should have married (I thought it would be better than my home life.) He had a rotten childhood and has no tank of emotional love to give and anyway I was scared of what he might do and also scared about how I'd take care of my kids, so I took him back. Even when things are pretty good between us, he takes the joy out of living just with his negativism. I have done the office work from home for his business for 30 years and never took a paycheck so I have no social security built up for the future, I have no job skills other than minimal at home here, I am obese and in poor health, I am scared to drive in the winter (have been for many years) and live in the country....if I brought up needing therapy he would get angry and make things very very much worse than they are-I know this from the past. So I mostly pretend all is well...and sink into depression he rarely notices. I have a few sisters very far away that would take me in if they knew but I am NOT going to do that to them and their families, plus my husband would follow me there-find me eventually-and if not do something physical, he would make everyone's life a living hell and I would just feel horrible for doing that to them. I cannot go to a s helter, he has not been physically abusive. What I'd like to know is if there are any coping skills I can use to get through this misery I call my life. Anything I can do myself at home to psych myself out and get through his being here. I have hashed over ways to get out of it and there are none and I feel too "old" and worn out to do anything and there is nothing to do short of just leaving with no money, no job or way to support myself and sure I could prob find a job at a low paying place, but it wouldn't put a roof over my head and also as I said he would follow me and make my life worse than it even is here. I have no friends, early in our marriage when I worked I tried that and he would act so jealous and I'd be so embarrassed it was easier to give up on that. I do not want to talk to my sisters about this because it is embarrassing to start t his up again (it has been about 10 years since I last poured out on them) and they would just try and get me to do something like come to them which I already said I cannot do. I carry a lot of guilt over how our kids were raised and how I would try so hard to please him and win his approval at their expense...and that didn't even work! I sacrificed a good loving home for my kids for nothing. If I won a really huge lottery or something I would just disappear where he couldn't find me, but that isn't going to happen. I even wished off and on for years that he would die because that seemed my only out, how terrible is that. He can't be reasoned with, he doesn't have the emotional capacity. As miserable as he seems with me, he wouldn't hear of divorce (not in 33 years) because, I believe, first of all the stigma and also he'd think erroneously that I could take him to the cleaners,(I found that in a letter his sister wrote 20 years ago) and as far as he's concerned he's t he one who has earned all we have. If I did sit him down and tell him all t his, it would do absolutely NO good, he would deny, deny, deny, his favorite thing to do, and then act angry and hurt for a long long time. And he wouldn't even go to work to give me t hat relief, he'd hang around mad. So again I ask if there are any coping skills I can do for myself to make the rest of my existence a little less painful and make me want to have some joy at least. I apologize for how very long this is, it seems like I have to say it all to not have replies come back that I can't use, if you know what I mean. Thank you very much.

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Old 11-20-2006, 07:26 AM   #2
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makeworldgoaway HB User
Re: PLEASE any coping skills?

well thanks.

Old 11-20-2006, 07:51 AM   #3
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: PLEASE any coping skills?

Makeworldgo, you know, your writing sounds like your thoughts and therefore your mind, are much more pulled together now than what they were with previous posts. I am sorry, I think that I am going to tell you something that you don't want to hear. I think that you should stash away money gradually, or ask one of your sisters for a loan without explaining anything. Take this money and leave! Research where to go to get a job (you do have skills, you are working!) You can make it on your own! If this is not a good alternative, keep posting and talking to others to cope. I am assuming that you sound better already because maybe you wrote out your story and it helped you to think more clearly about it. You can get support here to cope.

Old 11-20-2006, 09:13 AM   #4
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Dakota_Skye HB User
Re: PLEASE any coping skills?

hi world,

Wow..sounds to me as if you're caught in a huge trap, and there's no way out of it; it's just got this hold of you and nothing in the world would let it go. you must be a strong woman to have gone all those years living this way. i know there must have been good moments there too, but i'm sure most of the time, the bad ones prevailed. you posted here before, and after a few people wrote to respond to you, you made it seem as if things were okay, and you were just venting, that it was really no big deal, that you were just in a funk...i remember...but see?!! a good day does not outweigh 29 bad ones, friend!!!

in my opinion, YOU did enough over the years to "psych" yourself up for life; to try to feel better, to be understanding, to be there for the kids, for him, your husband, that is; to help with his business, and much more. YOU've done A LOT. i'm sure what you've done had helped you in lifting some of your suffering at the time it happened, but obviously it didn't last. those coping skills you've learned (and you have learned and used them), were only good enough for those times. however, one thing has to be considered here, and i think it's one of the most important ones to really, really think about. when you're constantly surrounded by an environment like the one you're describing, the good stuff you've learned, all the coping, and all the optimism you've attained, will not survive. that type of environment will destroy anything good or positive in it.

i know people like your husband. we call them "toxic" people, because their negativistic, venomous attitudes only darken everything in their paths and around them. they're controlling and domineering and they always know what's best. i'm really sad for you and i empathize (i know someone like that who's a very close family member).

". I do not want to talk to my sisters about this because it is embarrassing to start t his up again (it has been about 10 years since I last poured out on them) and they would just try and get me to do something like come to them which I already said I cannot do. "

if your sisters would offer you some respite from all this turmoil, why not take it for a while? plus, they may have some more ideas (since they know you better than we do on this board) as to what you can do about this whole situation. i have a sister who'd go miles to help me out if something happened to me. if your sister(s) helped you before, i'm sure they will understand you now, because remember, blood is thicker than water (in most cases).

"my husband would follow me there-find me eventually-and if not do something physical, he would make everyone's life a living hell "

you know, my friend, this is complete and utter emotional and mental abuse here. if necessary (and let's say you will go to your sisters, and he will follow you and give you all a hard time by harrassing you, maybe even threatening you, etc.), there's alwyas a way of "coping' at hand in case of "emergencies"... all you have to do is call 911 and have an order of protection placed against him. but you have to be prepared, since he won't be allowed to come near you, otherwise he'd go to jail. please know that i'm not condoning this type of behavior. i'm just putting it out there, in case you become desperate and don't know what to do.

why keep pretending all is well? you know, world, we only have one chance to live, only one life here on this planet of ours. and like i said to someone else in another post, it's never too late to make it better for ourselves. it will be hard and difficult; there will be financial problems, loneliness, frustration, anger, bitterness at what's past and maybe lost, but, in the long run, it's all worth it. if you really, really want to improve your life, improve your circumstances, your surroundings, since that's what seems to be making you miserable more than anything else. eliminate the toxic people from your life. you're strong and you're an optimist. it can be done, world. really, it can. don't let fear, embarrassment, and the like stand in your way and push you harder into the corner, into that trap.
blessings to you

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