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need some big advice!

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Old 12-14-2006, 11:06 AM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2006
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allsorts HB User
need some big advice!

OK, this is going to be quite confusing so I will try my best to make this simple as possible.

It all started when I joined university, I made a friend who shared the exact same interests as me and we became I guess 'best friends'. As time went on, we became distracted away from our big group of friends that we made at university and just started hanging out on our own a lot. It was there we both found out that we had the exact same problem, depression. We both told each other what meds we were on and how long we had our problems, and this seemed to make our friendship stronger!

However, as the months passed, my friend stopped turning up to classes. Eventually, it became more of a common thing, and so I could only communicate through to him via email or telephone - because I commuted everyday to uni and he lived there. It was then that he told me he was very depressed, and so I tried my best to help him. Unfortunately as I helped him, I fell into my own depression as this happened. And so, I ended up missing some classes (not as many as him) and created my own set of problems. I became frustrated, and alone and uncertain. Luckily, I picked myself up and I got on my way to going to my classes again. My friend however was still in a bad situation. It then ended up to the point where he was ignoring me and it was then, due to him also ignoring the university, that lots of people became concerned.

I made arrangements with him, to see him, and try and get him into classes again, but he didn't meet. He promised and promised but he didn't turn up. I was upset, and at times, I was close to giving up! But, I got him to come around, and when he did he created himself further problems. For example he was given, another chance to catch-up with the work, but he didn't turn up to catch-up.

After a few more weeks, my friend became a lot happier and more 'himself' again. But had missed all his hand-in deadlines for his work because he had not turned up for any classes. So, I said to him he should speak to the course tutor and see what can be done. Upon coming to this decision, I had to also explain why I missed a deadline for some work in regards to my own depression problems that I faced.

We got in touch with the tutor and explained that we were both friend suffering from the same kind of problems - but he was suffering worse! So, we made an arrangement to see the main course tutor. When we did, the tutor looked very unhappy and said how she wasn't happy in regards to us "just making arrangements out of the blue". It was unsettling at first, but tried to get to the point. First of all my friend explained his problems and then I explained mine. The tutor then proceeded to ask me and my friend if we were smoking cannabis. Which took both of us by surprise because it was such a shocking thing to ask. Neither of us take any form of 'drugs' at all. It was then that we were given a rundown of what she thought was the necessary things to do. My friend, had the option of either doing the work he missed along with his next semester work or to start the course again. I was told I would have another opportunity to do the one piece of work I missed in the summer. But what shocked me further was that my friend proceeded to hand a note which was supposed to excuse him for missing some of his classes. It turned out it was a note from a probation officer regarding his past crimes/problems. He told me earlier it was a medical note from the gp.

Later that day, my friend told me that he didn't want to speak about it and that it was all in the past. Now, what concerns me is that I have told him I am thinking of moving into uni next semester in the same building as he is. Do you think what I am doing is a mistake or do you think there really isn't anything to worry about? I have wondered if my friend has been a bad influence on me. It has been me mainly that got him down to see the course tutor to have a second chance otherwise he would be kicked out. I'm starting to wonder if he will really use this chance next semester. Am I wasting my time moving into uni to live with him when he might do the same again and may possibly bring me down as well?

Depression as I know from own experience is a hard thing to help someone with, but having been there myself I thought I could offer him some form of help. We are good friends, but I am starting to wonder how long it will last.

Last edited by allsorts; 12-14-2006 at 11:16 AM.

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Old 12-14-2006, 11:38 AM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: West U.S.
Posts: 326
firenice HB User
Re: need some big advice!

I believe you have to ask yourself what are your motivations for moving to the university. If it is exclusively to help your friend, then you can find yourself easily disappointed and in a place you don't want to be. If you are moving to the uni to make life a bit easier for yourself in regards to commuting AND can be a support to your friend, then you are less at risk of being put out. Although it may sound selfish, you must take care of yourself first. If you are not ok, you can't be helfpul to anyone else.

Old 12-16-2006, 10:30 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: ontario
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trg247 HB Usertrg247 HB Usertrg247 HB User
Re: need some big advice!

I agree with the above poster in you should be selfish. Your going to university to help yourself in the future. Your friend needs to come to terms with his depression and seek out help on its own. Its okay to want to help but if it is destroying you then it is just not worth it.

Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

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