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    Old 02-24-2007, 04:40 AM   #1
    Dakota_Skye
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    Thumbs down I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    i'm tired. really tired. i like working, but towards the end of the week, i draaaag my body in to work and i find i don't speak to anybody most of the time, just concentrate on the stupid computer in front of me (and i'm thankful i haven't had to deal with clients much lately) b/c i know if i will say something, i'll snap one way or another--and i'm not even PMS-ING!!!!!!!!!

    i'm tired of dealing with sickness and the smell of death all around me--both parents being sick at the same time frightens the hell outta me and i'm tired of even THINKING about it. i'm also tired of my sister's irritable ways, her loud voice, and her taking refuge in leaving the situation by going to be with her bf every damn weekend, no matter what. if i were in a better frame of mind, i'd say that's how she copes and i would't give a rat's a--.

    i'm tired that my mother, despite her new illness (tachycardia), and new, powerful medication, doesn't want to take it easier, except by leaving my dad's nursing home two hours earlier than usual, on a DAILY basis.

    i'm tired that my father is getting SICK AGAIN!!!!!!! pulse went up again last night. mom left him in the overnight's nurse's care (whom we've gotten to know well over the last seven years since his stroke), who said the dr. will visit this weekend, and if things get out of hand, back to the HOSPITAL--AGAIN!!!!!!!! he just came out of the hospital one-two weeks ago.

    i'm tired of some people (not you guys) out there who think they're "It," -- the "sh.it", that is--and the fact is that it couldn't be father from the truth. "small-minded" people put themselves on a pedestal and put others down, because THEY are overcompensating for something they lack or are envious of others' (perhaps, a small pric.k--i don't know, maybe). yes, i'm not being a lady, and i'm being cynical and vulgar, but so what?!!!

    i'm tired of doing things the best i can, seeing as i have my share of probs, and still feeling, and even being perceived by others that what i do/did is not enough. i'm tired of bosses who don't even have a figment of an idea of how much their employees work and then expect them to do MORE and MORE and MORE.

    i'm tired that i feel lonely (but not alone) a lot of the time--maybe b/c i'm not being fully understood. my bf has his own agenda, mostly with work, and he's there when i need him (but i truly didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone last night--not only b/c i got in at around 9:30 pm, since i start work late on fridays, but also b/c most of the time when i have some time off, that's how i feel--i guess b/c i see people everyday). he stays with me and i wonder why. i thought i'd get married by now and have a kid (always dreamt of that), especially since my clock is way ticking at 36 years of age. we've had talks, and the latest thing that comes out of his mouth is that i need to GET BETTER before we can do something. BETTER?????????????? better HOW? ok, he's good, kind, cooks for me, respects me, doesn't push me into se.x, etc., but his own mom had/has depression for crying out loud!!!!!! he KNOWS this doesn't go away, and that it's a CHRONIC freaking disease!!!!!!!!!! maybe that's why he's saying these things. he doesn't want to deal with it long-term, since he saw what his mom went through. and, to prolong the inevitable--not do it/get married, that is.

    i see all these girls/women getting hitched (i'm supposed to be a bridesmade in one of my friend's upcoming weddings), young,er older, etc., and it's happening pretty quickly, from marriage to kids. that is. and, i'm envious. then i think, how in heaven am i going to EVEN have a kid with the MEDS i'm on.!!!! yes, i know a piece of paper doesn't say/change much, but......i never experienced that and i don't want to die an 'old maid.' i know there are other options out there--plenty. just thought i'd take the most "established" one first....and not to sound "outdated," but a woman who's asked to marry someone--in this culture of ours--it still says something about her, doesn't it? i mean, doesn't it say that she's wanted and valued enough to share a man's life with? i know lots of you will disagree with me on this.

    i'm tired of myself some/many days. really tired. i don't even want to look in the mirror anymore (not b/c i'm ugly, b/c i'm tired of dealing with myself). last night when i got home, i barely got through the door and although i was angry before, while driving, i broke down in tears, after taking my coat off and hanging it up very calmly. i cried on the rack of clothes in the closet, then propped up by the closet door, then slumped on my knees in the hallway. i cried out loud and i coughed,and i prayed, b/c i couldn't take it anymore. wished i could've screamed, but i didn't (HELD IT IN AGAIN), as there are people all around me in this god-forsaken co-op.

    i'm tired of my headaches and my migraines. somedays i'd rather chop off my head than endure the pain. migraine is a vascular disease, and i know i shouldn't worry ahead of time, but i'm thinking of my mother's side of the family: gradma had a stroke, mom has heart problems, high cholesterol, etc., and has been on meds for these for at least the past 15-20 years. don't want to become that way. but why think like that now????? i don't know to tell you the truth.

    i don't kwow what would make me happy now. i've asked myself that question many times, and i never came up with an answer. i may have dwelt in this misery for so long, i can't think otherwise. we all experience (i'm sure) moments of happiness here and there, but they are fleeting, aren't they? they come and they go, and then bang...back where we started. a lot of the time, i don't even THINK about anything bad, and i still FEEL like crap. how the heck can i explain that to myself. that makes me angry and tired too. like it's never going to frigging end!!!!!!!

    i'm tired of writing now. gotta go get ready for work. yeah, i have a werid schedule. off on sun and mon. working tue through sat. great, huh? at least i'm working. thank God for that.

    wishing you all a better start to the day than i'm having.

    peace and blessings!

    p.s thank God for this board--for letting me vent a little.
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    Old 02-24-2007, 06:43 AM   #2
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    Dearest, dearest Dakota, I am so glad that you just unloaded your heart! You are carrying quite a bit of burden! Here are my thoughts - can you let go of the problems with your family? You have no control over the outcomes of your mom's or your dad's health. You are not responsible for them. You have tried to affect the outcomes of their choices and you cannot. I know that I can sound a bit detached sometimes but remember I am a survivor and I will change my mind in any way that I have to in order to survive. It is out of your hands. Same for your sister.

    Dakota, in my opinion you need to make some life changes. You are in a life that is making you miserable. You need to free yourself. You talk about the money that you want to make. Well, you are miserable and I think that you need a plan B. I keep thinking of you going off on a trip to find yourself. Have you lived your whole life where you are now? There are many other places to live in the US. People are different all over the country depending on where they live. You live where the cost of living is very high.

    Dakota, I hate to hear that you are suffering so and I know that you can have a happier life. Have you checked into that alternative doctor yet?

     
    Old 02-24-2007, 06:50 AM   #3
    stolie
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    I read a good book recently about dealing with stress and anger. It helped me, maybe it will help you and maybe not. The recommendation is that when you find yourself thinking about a situation that makes you really angry, shift your focus. Imagine all of your attention moving away from your brain to the area around your heart. Breathe in and imagine the breath going into your heart. Imagine a person or part of your life that fills you with gratitude or compassion. It can be an image from the present or past as long as it evokes one of these feelings. Hold this image and the feeling of gratitude or compassion in your mind for at least 4 to 5 seconds.

    Every time you feel yourself starting down that path to anger again, practice locking your attention back to your heart. I tried it for about a week and I could feel it short-circuiting the path to overwhelming anger, the kind you described where you find yourself crying out loud.

    If you feel silly doing it, or that you are neglecting something about which you should be legitimately angry, just remember that anger hurts us more than it helps. I think of it as my enemy. It gives us high blood pressure, it floods us with stress hormones, so it's never really worth hanging onto. Don't know if any of this will help but in any case, good luck.

     
    Old 02-24-2007, 10:52 AM   #4
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    Dear Dakota,

    Oh I know to much how you feel, but isn't it great to get it off your chest.
    Tired is an understatment on how we all feel..... Anxiety and depression takes so much out of us I wish we could just channel that energy into something else, if it was only that easy.
    My therapist just told me to get this book, it's about living in the NOW which I never do. I am always thinking at least a month ahead and how my life is just getting worse because of my depression and how I could be dead soon. Anyway, I have not gotten it yet but it's called the Power of Now by E. Tolle. ANyway, she said it's all about living int eh moment and that is really how you should live your life. Maybe we should all get it and have a book club!

    Alex

     
    Old 02-24-2007, 11:30 AM   #5
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    Dakota,

    So sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now. Sounds like you really could use a vacation--would you be able to take some time off and go somewhere you really like? Maybe just go by yourself for a few days. Try to remember too that the bad times always pass, and things will get better again.

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 07:01 AM   #6
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
    Here are my thoughts - can you let go of the problems with your family? You have no control over the outcomes of your mom's or your dad's health. You are not responsible for them. You have tried to affect the outcomes of their choices and you cannot. I know that I can sound a bit detached sometimes but remember I am a survivor and I will change my mind in any way that I have to in order to survive. It is out of your hands. Same for your sister.

    Dakota, in my opinion you need to make some life changes. You are in a life that is making you miserable. You need to free yourself. You talk about the money that you want to make. Well, you are miserable and I think that you need a plan B. I keep thinking of you going off on a trip to find yourself. Have you lived your whole life where you are now? There are many other places to live in the US. People are different all over the country depending on where they live. You live where the cost of living is very high.

    Have you checked into that alternative doctor yet?
    hi dear sannah,

    1. i have decided (really) that i've had enough in re to my family's issues, esp. my mom and her decisions about my father. so, i've began to let it go. i'm also taking it easier in terms of her new dx. she's still going through. the same routine sannah, and nobody can tell her otherwise. the other night she called me to tell me that YET AGAIN, his pulse was going craz.y, from 90 to 100+, that he has a fever, etc., etc. etc. i've had enough. i kept saying mmhhhhhh,.. over and over, until she realized i wan't going to let her talk for 1/2 hour anymore. sorry, can't take more of her venting, especially when i can't even vent to her. i put what options i thought were best on the table, in re to dad and to her, but both she and sis do not agree with me about dad, and she doesn't listen to me about herself. you're right!!!--i have no control over them or their choices, and i'm not responsible! i think i've finally realized that to keep my sanity i really have to change my mind and REMAIN detached (as i've been till now). btw, you don't sound detached to me, though.

    2. i've been thinking about my life a lot--you're right about that too. i've been thinking about what changes to make, but i don't know what. i need to survive here, sannah, and i can't survive on just $35,000--$38,000 a year, that other companies would offer me at this point. i DON'T like NY, that's a fact. although i was born in the city, i grew up in the country, on a farm, where i roamed free and where i was a tomboy. and i LOVE the country. i'd love to have a farm, believe it or not!!! sounds weird, doesn't it? but, at the same time, i'm afraid to just up and move away by myself, to a place that i don't know anyone from a hole in the wall. if i had someone with me (this bf who i'd like to be my husband in the future, and more recently he claimed he wanted that as well), it wouldn't be so damn bad, then. BUT, i know he WILL NOT move, bec. he's got his career going on, at a univ. here--a post that is very, very hard to get into (he's a prof. of fundamental & philosophical theology--that's why he came to ny from pittsburg!!!), and he's working like a madman for tenure, with writing for publishing and s.hit (still another year or so). i'm still uncertain anyway--about the whole marriage thing, even though he said what he said... but im not thinking aobut that anymore either!!!!!!

    3. i've seen other parts of the u.s. from my travels, and i know how peaceful and beautiful other cities and small towns are....so i do have an idea, but no, i've never lived anywhere else but where i live now for a relatively longer period of time, so i cannot compare.

    4. i've gotten in touch with an alternative dr. she's a psychiatrist who's also practicing alternative medicine, and she's not that far from me--she's on long island. actually i'm about to call her again today, since we've missed each other when i first called. i want a second opinion on my dx. and on everything having to do with my mental and physical health.

    sannah, i want to thank you for your recommendations and suggestions. you're very insightful and "right on"--how do you do it???
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    Old 02-26-2007, 07:06 AM   #7
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    Made a posting mistake!

    Last edited by Sannah; 02-26-2007 at 07:35 AM.

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 07:13 AM   #8
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    Dakota, I hope you don't think that I ignored your post! I have been busy the last few days and when I got a quick chance to look at the posts yesterday I didn't see yours because it must have been on the second page!

    Anyway, yeh, your mom can't vent to you if you can't vent to her!

    Living in the country! If you wanted to kill me, all you would have to do is move me to the city and I would deteriorate quickly. I was raised in the country and I have never lived in the city. Dakota, you really need to have a life that makes you happy, okay! Move to Louisville, KY and come find me! (Just kidding moderators!) Louisville is the best kept secret in the US. We have a low cost of living, jobs, pretty good culture for a small city, and lots of green space to name a few!

    I am so glad that you are looking into that alternative doctor!

    How do I do it? I do scare myself sometimes! I think that it is just that I am so in touch with myself and I have just learned through practice how to understand and get in touch with others. It's really just beautiful!

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 07:33 AM   #9
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by stolie View Post
    I read a good book recently about dealing with stress and anger. It helped me, maybe it will help you and maybe not. The recommendation is that when you find yourself thinking about a situation that makes you really angry, shift your focus. Imagine all of your attention moving away from your brain to the area around your heart. Breathe in and imagine the breath going into your heart. Imagine a person or part of your life that fills you with gratitude or compassion. It can be an image from the present or past as long as it evokes one of these feelings. Hold this image and the feeling of gratitude or compassion in your mind for at least 4 to 5 seconds.

    Every time you feel yourself starting down that path to anger again, practice locking your attention back to your heart. I tried it for about a week and I could feel it short-circuiting the path to overwhelming anger, the kind you described where you find yourself crying out loud.

    If you feel silly doing it, or that you are neglecting something about which you should be legitimately angry, just remember that anger hurts us more than it helps. I think of it as my enemy. It gives us high blood pressure, it floods us with stress hormones, so it's never really worth hanging onto. Don't know if any of this will help but in any case, good luck.

    dear stolie,

    thanks a lot for your suggestion. it sounds sort of like a buddhist philosophy to me. i've read some buddhism along the way (although i'm not completely sure what you refer to pertains to that--i don't want to be mistaken), and i love many of the aspects and ideas it espouses.

    i guess i've done what you've described without even knowing it, and most of the time, the anger turned to sadness and then to crying (you see, my grandmother or grandfather popped into my mind many times--i grew up with them until i was 10 years old, and i have such fond and loving memories of them). they've passed, but i still love them very much, and i've always considered (and been told by my therapists, and pdocs) that they were my first set of parents for me.

    no, i will not, and have never felt silly doing something a bit "different" than the ordinary. i've learned not to care anymore, really. it's a good practice especially when in public places. you know, i've been thikning for a long time now, a couple of months, to take a meditation class, and I WILL do it!

    thanks so much for responding!!
    have a good day, stolie!
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    Old 02-26-2007, 07:36 AM   #10
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    OMG, Sannah, I was about to say how much i liked Louisville, KY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i passed through it, and was taken in by the big ol, arch that can be seen from way off when you approach the city....i evne told the man i was with that time how much i liked that town!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    you are UNBELIEVABLE>. do you read minds??????????????????????
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    Old 02-26-2007, 07:39 AM   #11
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    Dakota, a big arch? Are you thinking of St. Louis, Missouri? And yes, sometimes I do think I can be psychic. One definition of the psychic phenomenon, however, is that we are all connected to a universal subconscious, you could call this God. So to be psychic you just hook into the universal subconscious and travel along until you connect with whom you want. Sounds easy to me!

     
    Old 02-26-2007, 07:39 AM   #12
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    i loved the green spaces too, the open places, the horses and cow pastures aroudn the towns...oh lordy...

    sannah, you must have a 6th sense...there's no other way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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    Old 02-26-2007, 07:43 AM   #13
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    so carl jung was right when he was talking about the collective unconscious!!!
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    Old 02-26-2007, 07:45 AM   #14
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    so, are you around here somewhere? then tell me what you see! oh gosh, i'm in my worse house-wear stuff....dont' be too harsh!!!

    what do i look like? (for a little play and to stray away from all this depressing stuff).
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    Old 02-26-2007, 07:50 AM   #15
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    Re: I'm Tired!!!!!!!!!!

    hi alex,

    thanks soooo much for replying to my post. it makes it better when you vent, you're right!!!!! most of the time (since i spend it at work) i have to keep my mouth shut and the energy (negative) builds up, so the only time that i get to let go is when i get out of work, in the evenings. then, sometimes, all hell breaks lose, and i'll end up crying. i truly hope that this new pdoc that i'm hopefully going to get in touch with, for a second opinion, will be more helpful to me. and i hope to be able to let go even MORE of things that i can't control.

    dear alex, i hope to God you're having a tolerable day today.
    many hugs and blessings to you, my friend!!
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