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  • don't think I'm clinically depressed, but...

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    Old 04-28-2007, 03:33 PM   #1
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    don't think I'm clinically depressed, but...

    sometimes I wonder if I have some form of it when I start feeling the way I've been feeling.

    My dad has depression. Growing up, my dad was very emotionally distant and I never received any praise, any loving words, and due to his job he wasn't around much. He would always tell me that I never learned, that I needed to always do things better, and basically put across the message that I was incompetent. He was always the disciplinarian, and in college it hit the fan when he started taking all of his anger out on me...not physically, but verbally, and I developed a slight eating disorder and was very socially distant for 2 or so years in college.

    Since then, Ive realized that he did the best he could, I came to terms with things, etc. People around me would probably not think of me as having these issues at all. The thing is, I am a very confident person for the most part, and many people often say that I 'have it all'. I am intelligent, have my Master's, I am attractive, a nice person, live in an amazing city, etc. etc. But Ive noticed that I tend to get really depressed when it comes to relationships with men. I have a boyfriend right now, and we tend to argue a lot about really insignificant stuff, mainly because he is really stressed right now and therefore is edgier than usual. I've noticed that I get depressed because I blame everything on myself...and Ive done this forever. If something goes wrong with a guy, it must be my fault. If something goes wrong with my friends, I don't necessarily get that upset over it.

    Lately, my boyfriend and I had an argument because he was late coming over to my place, and I had planned a big dinner and was disappointed (he called to tell me that he was running later than usual due to schoolwork he had to get done with a friend). The thing is, it was disappointing, but I don't understand why I get SO should be no big deal! He says that when I act disappointed like I did, it stresses him out even more and then he feels that he can't compromise all he has to do with making me happy...basically, that I sometimes make things worse for him, which makes me feel terrible. So, as a result, he says he needs to only come over when he knows he has the time. We spend a LOT of time together. The problem is that this made me severely depressed. I feel that it is all my fault, that I'm needy and that I shouldn't be, and I feel irrational in that I can't get the thought out of my head that he doesnt want to be with me as much as he did before. He tells me that this is ridiculous, that he wants to be with me all the time, but that it gets too difficult because he has so much going on and he can't get his work done and please me 100% of the time.

    I just feel terrible- and its not even about him, its about me. Ive found myself having no energy the past 3 days. I don't want to do anything. I feel so needy of him, like I need to be around him all the time...and the reality is, that is psychotic because I have my own friends and my own life. But when he tries to take some time off from being with me (as he should), its like I can't handle it. I start thinking about how I messed things up. I start getting scared that Im going to push him away. Its crazy!

    This is what is happening right now- but there are other times for other reasons that I get this way too...I feel depressed and I cry for no reason, I dont want to do anything...
    What is wrong with me? Is just a severely bad mood? Do I have serious issues? Overall I typically have it all together, but when it comes to certain situations, I turn into a basket case and I don't want to be this way.

    Last edited by lady346; 04-28-2007 at 03:35 PM.

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    Old 04-29-2007, 12:40 PM   #2
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    Re: don't think I'm clinically depressed, but...

    Hi SingleOne,
    Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I'm probably not as able to give you advice on counselling and stuff, other posters here will be more helpful. But it sounds like you could use someone to talk to about this.
    Any time you are feeling like this, you need to deal with it. Is there some reason you feel the need to spend so much time away from your boyfriend? Are you afraid he might leave you? You know, it is very healthy for two people in a relationship to spend some time apart. Have you ever heard the saying - How will I ever miss you if you never go away? Spend some time apart and I guarantee you that the time you spend together will be even better than it usually is!!!
    For what it's worth, I have been married for 7 years and these types of issues dont go away. We still have the biggest arguments over the smallest things. Sometimes I think we're just using it to blow off steam from the everyday stresses of life. Dont overanalyze too much because it can be really damaging to a relationship. It sounds like maybe because your dad wasnt very supportive of you and made you feel "incompetent"..then maybe you feel your boyfriend will feel the same. This is not true, he is not your father.
    Just take a deep breath and relax, and dont be so hard on yourself. We all have our insecurities, so dont feel bad about it. Just try not to let them get out of hand, because insecurities can cause alot of stress in a relationship.

    I wish you the best, and please post again if you feel like talking!


    Old 04-29-2007, 12:46 PM   #3
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    Re: don't think I'm clinically depressed, but...

    Single, as I was reading your post I was noticing the similarities with your bf issues and your dad issues. Do you think that your bf issues are triggering the insecurities that you have concerning your dad?

    Old 04-29-2007, 06:16 PM   #4
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    Re: don't think I'm clinically depressed, but...

    I agree with both the previous posters. Perhaps because you didn't have a 'safe' relationship with your father you are seeking a male (ie your bf) to provide that 'safety'. I'm not a psychologist so I can't say for sure but I think there can be a correlation. I'm the reverse of you, because my father did make me feel safe - we had a 'safe' relationship, and as a result I'm not so needy of my partner. But my mother didn't make me feel 'safe' and so I have trouble with female friendships - being needy, seeking approval, really worried if I can't get it...etc. At times to a crippling degree.

    I had a friend who sounds a bit like you. She was sooo smart, had it all together, did her masters, etc, etc, but her father left when she was really little. She was really assertive and dominating in her female friendships, but couldn't assert herself when it came to men. She had a terrible boyfriend who walked all over her, but luckily she got rid of him. I'm not saying you're like that, or that you can't assert yourself with men, or that your boyfriend walks all over you. All I'm saying is I think there IS a correlation, and maybe it would be worth your while exploring it in therapy.

    Old 04-30-2007, 07:37 AM   #5
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    Re: don't think I'm clinically depressed, but...

    Originally Posted by Trixibel View Post
    my mother didn't make me feel 'safe' and so I have trouble with female friendships - being needy, seeking approval, really worried if I can't get it...etc. At times to a crippling degree.
    Trix, I did/do the same thing! I am close to my dad and do not have that good of a relationship with my mom and I find myself today very secure interacting with men but insecure frequently interacting with woman. Actually, after you realize it and you are in the moment and feeling these things and you tell yourself at that time and afterwards that you shouldn't feel this way, it's just because of your mom, it does lesson and improve. Actually, I have only been seriously working on this for the last few months. I hope with continued work that it will completely disappear.

    Last edited by Sannah; 04-30-2007 at 07:39 AM.

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