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  • Sannah, I am losing it again...

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    Old 06-07-2007, 01:45 PM   #31
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ExTra111 View Post
    she was bugging me again today, she hasnt even got the basic manner any human being should have - be respect and polite when talking to people. I am tired of all these childish acts...
    CDE, then it is about her then and not you. I am well, thanks.

     
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    Old 06-09-2007, 03:30 PM   #32
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    I am leaving, I am leaving the stupid job as soon as I find somewhere to move to. I will never get any better if I stay here for any longer. They have done sth behind my back again, they thought I dont know anything, I am way smarter than they are. I dont say nothing doesnt mean I dont know nothing. Why? Why cant we just work as a team? Why do people always do things behind my back? Is it becoz I am nice to them? So they think nice = stupid? Is it bcoz I dont normally complain, and they think I can be bullied? I dont say anything is bcoz I am a nice human being, and if sth is within the area that I can bear or accept, I dont make a big deal about it, but it doesnt mean they can keep crossing the line. It really is enough, how can 2 20s and a 30 year women be sooooo childish? What have I done wrong to deserve this? I dont understand. nobody understands me, even my mum, she always complains about my mood swings, is it what I want? Dont I not wanna be a constant happy person and be able to enjoy my life, be able to enjoy my photography rather than forcing myself to do it for the sake of it? I really want a break, I mean a proper propre one, I just wanna leave everything behind and disappear forvever. Sometimes I think how wonderful everything would be if I dont wake up again the next morning, I bet a lot of people would feel great about it, surely my team in this stupid hall, I bet they would hold a paryt the same day with the deputy.

    One of the tutors from the film and video dept. committed suicide a couple of weeks ago, maybe he made the right decision to leave everythig behind, I admire him for being brave enough to finish himself. Why is it so complicated to just to be normal, why? Why? Why? All these stupid people around me, I wish I had a gun an be able to shoot them all... they dont deserve to be here.

     
    Old 06-10-2007, 05:47 AM   #33
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ExTra111 View Post
    They have done sth behind my back again, they thought I dont know anything,

    Why cant we just work as a team?

    Why do people always do things behind my back?

    Is it becoz I am nice to them? So they think nice = stupid?

    Is it bcoz I dont normally complain, and they think I can be bullied?

    I dont say anything is bcoz I am a nice human being, and if sth is within the area that I can bear or accept, I dont make a big deal about it, but it doesnt mean they can keep crossing the line.

    What have I done wrong to deserve this?

    I dont understand. nobody understands me, even my mum, she always complains about my mood swings
    Dearest CyberDaughter, what you might be talking about here is boundaries. It sounds like you expect everyone else to enforce their boundaries and not cross yours. It just doesn't work that way. You must enforce your own boundaries. Do you feel like you are the bad guy if you enforce your boundaries? You are not the bad guy for enforcing your boundaries (I would be a real witch otherwise!). It is okay to tell people no and call them on their inappropriateness. Once you get this down and do it, it will be so easy for you and make your life so much easier.

    The thing about others understanding us is that we have to understand ourselves first. I will help you to understand yourself.

    Last edited by Sannah; 06-10-2007 at 05:49 AM.

     
    Old 06-10-2007, 06:50 AM   #34
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Sometimes I think how wonderful everything would be if I dont wake up again the next morning, I bet a lot of people would feel great about it, surely my team in this stupid hall, I bet they would hold a paryt the same day with the deputy.

    i feel like saying i'm sorry to interrupt here even though i know it's a bit silly since it's a public thread and i think the more people who share in their ideas of how you, extra, can handle this situation, the better--but i'm saying sorry anyway..for landing in the middle of your thread from "outter space"

    anyway, i know just a little bit about you and this job at this hall with these team-mates of yours, extra. i saw you were a bit better when you left work to relax for a couple of weeks, and now that you're back you're starting to depress again. and the major reason for your emotional hole seems to be this situation...these two-three women, in their 20's and 30's who behave more like teens still in high-school--10th, and 11th grade, more likely.

    i think i wrote to you once before, (i don't know where these women come from, but i still know that prejudice is in fact quite alive all over the world. and that's all i'll say about that!), 1. i think they're jealous of you, because you are not b.s-ing; you're really doing your job, and you're probably very good at it. you're not just sitting around doing nothing. they probably have nothing else to get to you with, so they keep annoying you with this. 2. i'm not sure of your age, but they may look at you and think to themselves 'how can she, who is [possibly] younger than me, tell me what to do, etc? who does she think she is, my mother? blah, blah, blah. my answer to you is, as long as you have the person who appointed you as a worker there, say that you are doing well, and that you're doing what you are supposed to be doing, keep that in mind. let their petty disputes slide by. you know, many times, the more you ignore someone's stupidity, the less they will show it around you .

    about that quote up there--I know you're a sensitive soul, extra. you are. but my friend, you need to thicken the skin a little bit (like i had to), in order to survive in this world. people are not always going to be nice, like you, or like me, or like most of us on this board, here. people can be quite nasty, you know that. even kids can be mean...to other kids. you know that too. and it's a really sad fact of life, but it's life as it is. like sannah said, you will come to realize that nobody in the world--nobody can control you, your thoughts, or your feelings, unless you let them. you can choose to be a bit more of a b---h about the whole thing, and say "to hell with you all," in your mind of course, instead of taking it to heart so much. i've had to say that to myself many times, and i've talked to myself often in my own head, saying how the people who bothered me were nothing but regular people, some not even as smart as my neighbor's dog or my awesome kitty cat. and i'ts not that i wanted to "put them down" on purpose, but their actions showed me that!!! they actions and their words showed me how they truly were (i.e., narrow-minded, closed-in, petty, jealous, insecure, blaming, coniving, hurting--oh yeah, they have deep hurts too, that's why they try to hurt others--little snakes in the grass). so, don't think of yourself as less, because you are sooooo much more than that!!! and don't even start thinking about "not waking up" in the morning because these people are not worth it, extra!!! also, this time is only a period in your life. it's not going to last forever. think of that too.

    I dont say anything is bcoz I am a nice human being, and if sth is within the area that I can bear or accept, I dont make a big deal about it, but it doesnt mean they can keep crossing the line.

    i completely understand you when you say this, b/c i'm the same way (what i underlied). but for me, when it gets to the point that it makes me feel sick and it gets on my nerves really bad, I WILL definitely say something. so, if you believe that they think that being nice equals being stupid (after all, you know them better than we do) you can show them otherwise!!! like sannah rightly said, you CAN absolutely tell them that what they did was inappropriate, and that you know about it. you can also tell them that if it continues, you will absolutely have no qualms about reporting the situation to the higher-ups. if they don't understand "niceness" they will probably understand a bit of fear, and being just a bit more of a b---h, like sannah said.

    maybe i haven't said anything "new" to you, but i felt compelled to write for some reason.
    i wish you better days ahead!!!
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    Old 06-10-2007, 08:19 AM   #35
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Thanks to both of you, I just cant get out of this this time, when I foudn out what have they done to me this time, I just feel so disappointed, I dont get angry anymore, I have lost it. I have reported to my manager a few time in the past, his reaction has always been the same. "You guys have to sort it out between the team.", "Extra, if you dont wanna be the leader, then who should?", "OK, I will deal with it in the future..." What is the future? The future is now, stupid *** hole. I still have to put a smily face when I see him, how fake is it? Whenever I dont feel good, I have to make up some stupid excuses like I have a flu, cold, headache, tired or whatever to cover myself. In the new application form I am filling in, in the health check section, I had to lie about I dont have any illness, I am not seeing any doc, I am not on any meds. Why am I doing this?

    I am sick of if, I really am. I am sick of everything. I am sick of my job, I am sick of everyone in the building, I am sick of London, I am sick of photography, I am sick of my course, I am sick of Mr.A, I am sick of my mum, I am sick of going to different doctors, I am sick of taking meds, I am sick of myself, I am sick of absolutely everything.

    I am giving up... it is now just the matter of time... I keep thinking about Adrian, the tutor who killed himself a couple of weeks ago... never knew him, but just cant stop thinking about what he did, it sounds great. I am on one hand very excited but also scared of myself...

    Sorry guys, I just wanted to get these off my chest, dont need to reply if you dont want to...

     
    Old 06-10-2007, 02:37 PM   #36
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    hey extra,

    it's ok to vent. vent ALL you want, hon. and don't worry, we're always here for you. i know that i've felt and sometimes still do, like that (sick of everything) many, many times. i wanted to say "F---k this" and just go far away from here, far away from responsibilities, from people, from ignorance, from absolutely everything and everyone around me. but i knew that it wouldn't solve much. because the way i dealt with the world and with the people in it was inside me, not outside me. so even if i left here, i'd be taking my reactions to others and to the world with me...and it wouldn't really help much.

    i don't think your vacation did much in terms of helping you recharge your batteries so to speak, or renewing you strength. also, i see that your "manager" is pretty much leaving things up to you, and he will not intervene. but you know what extra, this CAN be a blessing. why? because in this way (by him not interfering) YOU can learn problem-solving skills, that otherwise you will not. you can learn how to deal with difficult people, that otherwise you will never do. i know how it is, because i'm also like you.

    see, my ex- boss (i say ex, bec. she died of cancer, and i'm actually very sorry for her and her family now, since she left behind a 17 year old daughter)for a while-for years-was this asian lady (and please know that i don't have any ill-feelings against anybody from this background, and i'm NOT generalizing to all people when i speak of her--it's just a story), and she used to be extremely tough and rough and yell at her employees pretty much all the time. plus, she was the executive director of the place i worked at and nobody was "higher"" than she was, so there was nobody i could really go to (personnel was a joke). the woman even made me cry once, ok??!!! that's how bad it was. so, there came a time when they wanted to 'reorganize' the department, and she added more to my workload, more job responsibilities, that is. i was not happy about that, to say the least, bec. i found that it would take very, very much out of me, and it would involve having others' (the clients') lives directly "in my hands," as it were. i tried to explain to her how i felt about this and my reasoning of why i thought she could have given this part of the job to someone more qualified. i was very nice and very respectful when i spoke with her. you know her reaction? yelling, of course. she actually put me down, and said that i should give this a chance, because i can't "hide" my whole life behind a desk and that i should go out there and face my fears, etc. this woman was able to see right through you. she was very shrewd. now, when i look back at that whole nightmare, (and given the fact that i did take the extra job responsibilities on), i realize i have learned so much from them/from her. she knew me, although we did not speak often. she knew that i was holding back doing things in my life bec. of fear. she knew that i was extremely sensitive and in a way she "threw" me in an environment that i thought i couldn't handle, but she knew that i could. now i don't feel AT ALL uncomfortable doing what at first i though i'd quit the job for!!!! i actually thanked her in my mind quite often--and even now that she'd dead. i've really learned a lot from that experience that i hated the most. and it's been a good learning, extra. it made me stronger, it made me less fearful...it made me braver. i believe in myself more now. maybe that unpleasant interaction was meant to be. just like what you're going through now is meant to be. maybe it's an experience that's supposed to toughen you. it's perhaps something that you can learn from. it's problem-solving skills.

    i know you're seeing a therapist. what is she saying about all these things when you talk to her about it? does she give you any input at all?

    anyway, i just wanted to let you know that in a way, i've been where you are, and i still deal with all sorts of people daily, with people who are so very different than me. some dont' even say "hi' to me when they see me (no, they're NOT asians--asians are very nice actully) but, i've learnd not to care. they say 'hi' later. i've learned not to take to heart everything in this world, bec. it only harms ME; it doesn't do anything to them. you know what i mean? it only depresses me, and i've had enough evenings when i came home crying and feeling like crap because of something that happened at work... like everyone says, the only person you will ever be able to change in any way, shape, or form, in this lifetime, is you, extra.

    so, you are NOT alone--by any means. i think, like my ex boss used to tell me, that you are much stronger and much more capable than YOU think!! you can do this, i know you can. it's not an easy world we live in, dear extra. but we can manage, slowly, and if we listen to and respect our own inner strength.
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    Old 06-10-2007, 04:07 PM   #37
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    I am "looking forward" to another report towards me tomorrow. The alarm went off this afternoon as I was told by my flatmate. I was out coz I am off duty this weekend, I was told the person who was on duty had no idea what to do, and I am sure I would take the blame, dont ask me how, why or what, coz I dunno, I just know this is what's gonna happen, I take all the blames whatsoever, coz I am the "leader", which I have never wanted to be one. really "looking forward" to the yelling and the "lovely" eyes from my deputy, she is a bxxch. I hate her to bits.

    I was strong, didnt give a damn what people say and still can laugh about it, I used to be the **** taker, now I am a chicken and loser.

    I have an appointment with another doctor on Friday, which I believe is gonns be another assessment, I dont know if I wanna go, or if I can last that long. I am really sick of all these. Why are they asking me the same questions again agian and again? I really want a break that will never end.

    My mum got angry at me again, it's not my false, I didnt mean to shout at her, but I am really tired of all her stupid questions. Why cant she just simply ask me how am I getting on? INstead of Which street am I walking on, and has she been there before? Who cares?, SHe once again said sth really nasty to me, I dun understnad, why cant she just try to understnad I am going through a difficult stage of my life? I am not asking ehr to share it with me, al I have been asking is to leave me alone when I need her to, but she wont, she is annoying. I have some fairly urgent issues I need to talk to her in a calm setting, but I know she wont listen and we woudl end up shouting at each other, I never mean to shout at anyone, but I just cant control it.

    Everything, everyone is going against me in real life, this is the only place I feel a bit safe, thank you everyone...

     
    Old 06-11-2007, 03:45 AM   #38
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    I couldnt sleep well at all last night, so I ended up geting up a few hours latter that I supposed to, I doubt I can get any space at college to use the facilities today. It's looking today will be a waste. I feel like I have gone back to the beginning again, I couldnt stop wanting to crying, shaking, my anxiety doesnt want to go away, heavy panic attacks, I dont want to cut myself anymore, but I cant seem to stop it, I am ashamed of myself again... And all of a sudden, I am missing my dad a lot, had not have this feeling for years, the memories of the day when he was leaving are all back, they are horrible... I feel like I am falling into small pieces again... what a loser I am... stupid me...

     
    Old 06-11-2007, 10:53 AM   #39
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    I was out coz I am off duty this weekend, I was told the person who was on duty had no idea what to do, and I am sure I would take the blame, dont ask me how, why or what, coz I dunno, I just know this is what's gonna happen, I take all the blames whatsoever, coz I am the "leader", which I have never wanted to be one. really "looking forward" to the yelling and the "lovely" eyes from my deputy, she is a bxxch. I hate her to bits.

    i just don't understand why they would blame you for someone else's mistakes!!!!!! what's going on there? i'm begining to think this is really not very fair. but, you CAN defend yourself, extra, you can!!! if the person who was on "duty" wasn't able to do her job, that is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! she should know what the hell to do, that's why she's there!!!!! what are these people thinking???? why do you have to get to the point of such depression and feeling like you can't take it anymore because of someone else's laziness and ignorance????

    I have an appointment with another doctor on Friday, which I believe is gonns be another assessment, I dont know if I wanna go, or if I can last that long. I am really sick of all these. Why are they asking me the same questions again agian and again? I really want a break that will never end.

    why are you going through another assessment???? i thought you were already going to therapy and were taking an AD??? what more do they want to ask you???

    My mum got angry at me again, it's not my false, I didnt mean to shout at her, but I am really tired of all her stupid questions. Why cant she just simply ask me how am I getting on? INstead of Which street am I walking on, and has she been there before? why cant she just try to understnad I am going through a difficult stage of my life? ..... have some fairly urgent issues I need to talk to her in a calm setting, but I know she wont listen and we woudl end up shouting at each other, I never mean to shout at anyone, but I just cant control it.

    i know what you mean extra. my mother never really asks me how i'm doing, except if i don;t have a headache and if im' home and safe when i get home from work. that's it. she's so much into taking care of my dad now--she's so obsessed with that, that she can't see anything much beyond that. my sister and i have been talking about it, and we've actually given up on even trying to talk to her about our problems, bec. she thinks we don't really have problems. yet, she expect us to listen to her when things don't go well with our father, and it's been so long now, 8 years of this illness with our dad, and we just can't take it anymore (god forgive me). just once i wish she'd pay a bit more attention to me and my sister, but we've learned not to even ask anymore, like i said before.

    i don't know what to say to you about your dad. just that i'm sorry you have to deal with these memories right now. i know that when things don't go well in our present, the past comes back to haunt us. please talk to your therapist about everything you're feeling and thinking. i know it's been hard for you, but please let it out. and don't feel ashamed about anything!!!!! never be ashamed of your feelings, extra. feelings are ok to have, no matter what they are, positive or negative. we're only human. we're not robots. and you may feel bad, but you're not a loser and you're not stupid!!!! on the contrary. this is a bad period in your life , but like all periods of life, it will pass. it will!!

    we're all here for you. remember that.
    hugs to you!
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    Old 06-11-2007, 12:50 PM   #40
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Cheers mate, a bit of support is all I need for the moment.

    Nothing out of my expection, I took the bleam, not directly tho, but stupid enough, the way the looked at me today, I could tell straight away another "report" has been done towards me, I don't know if I wanna find out what that actually is, I guess I better levae it like that. I have given the 5pages long complaint letter to the big boss today, but I am pretty he is not goign to do anything, and I am pretty I am goignto lose my job by doing this, coz he is happy with the team how we have been, so if he had to choose to save me or the other 3, it would be the other 3, then as least it saves him a hob of having to interview 3 new members of staff, now he will only have to do 1. BUt it's fine, I am leaving anyway, I have got anohter job, which is exactly the same position, but better team, better boss,m better deputy, better everything, but the location, but who cares? Yep, th 2 managers have been flighting to get me in the past year, and now I have finally made up my mine to go with the one who apperciates me as a staff / like me as a friend, not the one I thought we does the same. I have given up on my team, I have tried my best to help them before I wrote the letter, I have trained them personally, which I wasnt supposed to, but I thoguht "hey we are a team, doesnt matter.", I have gorgiven them for as many time as I cant remember, but I have just simply had enough. I dont care anymore, they are never going to learn, coz they were born with their brains missing.

    The main reason of my depression is still yet to be found, I dont know why, my doc doesnt know why, nobody does. This hall thing is just one of the triggers to be fair to them. So I dont bleam them.

    About the assessment thing, this is just my guess really, I was seeing a counsellor at my unif or a short time, it finished about 3 weeks ago. I had a chance to see another at the doctor's, but he was so horrible, so I turned the offer down. Then my doc referred me to the local Mental Health Team to have an assessment 2 weeks ago with a social worker and a doctor. And now they want me see me again for another hour or so to do god knows what? I just feel really tired of all these, it might turn out to be sth else other than an assessment, but I am sick of the set of "standard" questions they ask, I wish I have recorded it at the first place, so I can just play it to whoever else. Coz nothing has changed really.

    About my mum, I really have to sit her down and have a proper conversation with her tomorrow or sth, ASAP anyway, coz I have just received a "very good news" today, and it really is making supre depressed. I will have to make a decision of whether to to take a year off or carry on in the next couple of days, my uni needs the answer before our names are passed onto the exm boards in the next couple of weeks. Everything is getting really complicated now, I thought i would have till Sept to make up my mind, but I dont, I have to make my decision now, and once the decision is made, there is no going back, especially if I was going to take a year off. But I really dont wanna make any decision now, coz I might regret soon. I really wish my dad was here, so he can give my orders of what to do, not the he ever did, but I think the man in the house would have the power to give orders when members of the house are stuck. And I would be willing to take whatever he said. It's never gonna happen, is it?

    Thanks a lot

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    Old 06-11-2007, 07:18 PM   #41
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Dearest CyberDaughter, hopefully changing jobs will help. I also hope that you have a productive discussion with your mother and make the best decision for yourself for school. Extra, you can do this! You can. You are strong but for some reason you don't want to be? Is is scary to be strong? Keep working with the docs and the therapists, okay.

    Love you

    Your CyberMum

    Last edited by Sannah; 06-11-2007 at 07:19 PM.

     
    Old 06-11-2007, 08:02 PM   #42
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Hello My dear CyberMum, good to hear from you again, hope you are having a lot of fun with you family.

    This is another difficult night for me, I just cant sleep, cant stop thinking about a lot of stupid stuff, I was cutting myself again, and to be honest, I was very happy when doing that, and I thought I was creating a piece of art, isnt it scary? I wanna stop, but I just cant. I dont wanna see my tutor tomorrow, but I have to, I know what she is going to say, she is going to say "We dont want you to leave, coz you are a fighter, but do whatever is best for you..." I have heard this millions of time, but so what? The more people say how strong I am, the more I think I am a stupid loser. I really want to give up, I really dont think I want to go back to my doctor anymore, not that she is not helping, but I just dont want any help anymore, it's not worth of wasting everybody's time to try treat someone like me, I will never heal. I think I just have to find a way to accept what I am now... I really dunno how much longer can I stand all these, why is it so hard to just to live a normal life?

     
    Old 06-11-2007, 08:10 PM   #43
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    CDE, I never knew you cut. Are you cutting because this is the only way that you can deal with your feelings?

    Sounds like you want to give up because you are afraid of being strong?

     
    Old 06-11-2007, 08:22 PM   #44
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    My dear CyberMum, I have only just started cutting recently, the old method didnt work anymore... it wasnt painful enough... I am stupid, am I?

    Yes, I want to give up, in fact, I am giving up... there isn't a point of carrying on, at least I cant see it. I have been too strong in the past, and that's enough, I have done my bit, now I have my right to be weak and be a total loser. Well, this is what my mum thinks I am anyway, so let it be, let me be a total lazy stupid kid, let me be someone who does nothing in her life but wasting her time sleeping and who knows what else...

     
    Old 06-11-2007, 08:26 PM   #45
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    CDE, you are not stupid for cutting, just desperate.

    CDE, you have been strong in the past but you know what, you were doing it all the hard way. You have a lot to learn here and you can learn it and make your life a lot easier. You just need to learn some skills here (boundaries, understanding and expressing yourself, meeting your own needs, etc.).

    Are you going to let your mother determine how you feel about yourself and if you understand yourself or not?

     
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