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  • Sannah, I am losing it again...

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    Old 06-12-2007, 01:44 AM   #46
    ExTra111
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Morning Sannah my beautiful CyberMum, I feel like crap today, and I know today will be the same... but let it be...

    I really do think I have gone back to how I was a couple of months ago, avoiding everything, isolating myself... all the hard work seems have disappear over the past few of days... last week was good, and I thought I am slowly geting back on track, but it's all fake, just some stupid random excitments I got form who knows where... now, back to square one...

    My mum, she really is affacting me a lot without she even notices it, has never been like this, I used to often ignore what she says and be myself, but now, every single words she says has an impact on me, particularly when she yells at me, I just cant get my head round, and she keeps telling me I am hurting her a lot lately coz of my behaviours, she just doesnt want to understand how much I am suffering, not even try... I am starting to hate her, and indeed myself... I hate everything and everyone... everything is just purely UGLY...

    Anyway, hope you have a good day, and everyone else too

    CDExTra

     
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    Old 06-12-2007, 05:19 AM   #47
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    have you tried rubbing ice cubes.....yes ice cubes up and down your arms!! i am told this has the same feeling as cutting but without the messy after effects and risks!! sorry for butting in but i hope sharing my knowledge will help.

     
    Old 06-12-2007, 06:18 AM   #48
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Dearest CyberDaughter, it must be very hard to have such feelings toward your mother. You must really be struggling inside. You have every right to feel upset because you cannot get what you need from your mother and then even more upset because you feel this way about her. It is okay darling to have these feelings. I am also wondering if you are having such a rough time lately because of this school decision that you have to make. This is a HUGE decision that you have to make here. CDE, your life will turn out alright. You don't just get one chance and then that is it - you blow it and you are out of luck. No, you get more than one chance to make a life for yourself.

    What you have accomplished so far has not been wasted. Darling, you are on a journey to mental health and sometimes the road seems really hard but you are learning here and it has not been wasted.

    Your CyberMum

     
    Old 06-12-2007, 08:34 AM   #49
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Hello my darling CyberMum, I spoke to my tutor again today, we made a deal, nothing official yet, but it's likely to be doen that way. She is going to speak to the team of other tutors, and if they all agree, they would get the average grades I have got for the past 2 teams, and make it the kind od grade for me for this team. So basically I might not have to do anything in order to get pass the year, but I will have to promise to return in September to be a 3rd year, coz she is taking the risk to get me through, so I dont return, she would pontentially be in some sort of troubles. So I think the answer is I will carry on. I feel slightly relief on one hand, but I also feel really guilty coz I would have done a project less than other people. But I guess I dont really have a choice, and this would probably be the best option for me, and I really apperciate her help.

    My mum, I dont think I will even tell her about it, coz she doesnt need to know and she wont understand anyway. Yeah, I think things have got slightly brighter with a lot of guilts, but I guess you are right, life is never easy.

    Have a good day.

    Love you

    Your CDE

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 08:26 AM   #50
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Darling CyberDaughter, I am so happy that you got this deal! You have no reason to feel guilty! You were doing excellent work before you had to deal with all of this stuff so you deserve this break! Sounds like you feel that everyone has to work hard for rewards. This is actually a Capricorn trait. I have it too but I have also learned to be flexible when needed. You are correct, you do not need to tell your mum everything. Talk more about this guilt if you want. Guilt is a good thing because it keeps us in line but it can also be excessive and unwarranted with a lot of people. Like everything in life, moderation is the best route.

    CyberMum

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 10:12 AM   #51
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Hello my dear CyberMum, how are you today? the weather is so good here today, but my mood is the opposite... I got up with a very bad panic attack, I really dun understand why... I hate it...

    It's the assessment days tomorrow and the day after, I am sure I would be asked by my fellows millons of time to show them my work... I really dunno how shall I face it. I am asked by my tutor to at least go see the presentations... I have got my negs back from a shoot I did last week, I made a supre stupid technical error on every single one of them, it is a pretty common error a lot of people would make, but I just couldnt let go, I went totally manic at college today, glad not that many ppl were around, only a few friends who know my condition. I still cant forgive myself by making this stupid error after a good few hours...

    My mum called me today after being angry at me for like 3 days or sth coz I "shouted" at her down the phone or whatever. I really dun understand her, I nearly told her everything at what has been going on at uni, I wanted to say "Mum, you know what, I have not actually been at uni for 2 months, so as work..." But I didnt... just couldnt get it off my mouth... She finally asked me about how often I see my doc and about the meds I am taking, but she didnt even give me a chance to explain and she changed the topic within 2 secs, she moved on taking about moving around stuff in the living room... , dear dear my mum, she is still avoiding it... what can I say?

    Anyway, it will certainly take me a while to move away the guilts I have, and accept the "deal" my tutor is giving, but yeah, no matter, I will do sth to make it up. I am also really worried about my end result for my degree, coz the 3rd year just got their result today, and even the best people got quite disapointed results, so I am really worried having done a project less would have an impact on the final end result.

    CDE

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 09:49 AM   #52
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Dearest CyberDaughter, all you can do is your best. Please be more flexible and kind with yourself here. I'll bet you think you are totally worthless unless you can perform perfectly? CDE, you are not worthless, you are valuable EVEN WHEN YOU CANNOT PERFORM PERFECTLY. I am not even afraid of making mistakes. The world does not end with a mistake (unless you are a brain surgeon or something), it just makes you aware of what not to do next time. I think that they call this learning.

    Your mum sounds like she just cannot take in any of this. A lot of people are like this. I think a lot of them have their own issues that they never dealt with so it makes them incapable of dealing with anyone else's issues.

    CyberMum

    Last edited by Sannah; 06-14-2007 at 09:49 AM.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 11:11 AM   #53
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
    Dearest CyberDaughter, all you can do is your best. Please be more flexible and kind with yourself here. I'll bet you think you are totally worthless unless you can perform perfectly? CDE, you are not worthless, you are valuable EVEN WHEN YOU CANNOT PERFORM PERFECTLY. I am not even afraid of making mistakes. The world does not end with a mistake (unless you are a brain surgeon or something), it just makes you aware of what not to do next time. I think that they call this learning.

    Your mum sounds like she just cannot take in any of this. A lot of people are like this. I think a lot of them have their own issues that they never dealt with so it makes them incapable of dealing with anyone else's issues.

    CyberMum
    I dunno I dunno and I dunno, I have billions of question marks in my head... I missed the assessment today, not that I had to do it, but I was asked to go anyway, I was too scared to see the work others have done. But I will try to go tomorrow. It's not that I am afraid of making mistakes, but I just can't accept the fact that I can't even have the abality to make mistakes, if you see what I mean, I just cannot do anything productive at all. This is where all the guilts come from. And yes, I once again was so unset when I saw my pics, coz we found a few more tech. errors, to be hoenst, I wouldnt normally be upset abt it, I would be ****** off for a while, but woudl still love my work, but I cant, when I see them, I just hate them, and I end up hating myself... I am not really after anything perfect, but I just wanna be as good as I can, but I just cant even do the basic right now, I know you will tell me I have got issues to deal with, and I agree, but I really dont have the time to wait, how much longer I have to wait until I get better? It's just really really annoying, so am I useless then?

    Some friends of mine were telling me how stupid I am, not in a bad way, coz I told my mum everything in the last min, and they told me I didnt get her the chance to accpet my condition..... (they then went on for like 5 mins, which I didnt take in anything), well, I suppsoed I made a mistake, they also told me maybe my mum is feeling really guilty that she can be with me to help me more, and she might be feeling really upset and worried, but still nothing she can do coz of the freat distance, so she decided to avoid it. I dont know it they are right, I am once again confused, really confused...

    Anyway, I shall go home and do some work, or whatever, you have a good day and I might catch you later.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 11:18 AM   #54
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    CDE, I see, you are just upset because of where you are now? Getting better means working through every little detail/issue IMO..... there are no easy fixes.

    Last edited by Sannah; 06-14-2007 at 11:19 AM.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 12:47 PM   #55
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    I suppose, I just cant stop thinking about a lot of things that I would not normally worry about, I have even started thinking about what if I dont get any better by Oct, how can I carry on degree as promised. Even if I recovered by then, what if it comes back this time next year, how can I then complete my degree? What if, what if, a lot of what if????? What my mum is really feeling very guilty about not being able to help me, hwo shall I face her when I next see her? What if...... I dont know.... just a lot of question marks and not know in my head... and they are really bugging me...

    My tutor told me today all other tutors have agreed to support me, but it's really depends on the dean, and we wont find out till July, anotehr few weeks to wait, I dont like it, and I dont want to wait... I really do feel like giving up, I dun like things going out of hand, I dont like not knowing...

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 01:17 PM   #56
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    The UNKNOWN, it's not very comforting is it. When you can get to a point where you are more secure then the unknown isn't as scary. Please take one day at a time and do the work that you need to do today and the future will work out eventually.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 01:33 PM   #57
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Yes CyberMum, I will try, but it is very hard...

    I have got the appointment tomorrow with a Doc in the Mental Health Team, I dont know if I want to go, I am once again, feeling very scared of the questions they might ask...

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 01:37 PM   #58
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Why are you afraid of the questions? You must go and face your fears.

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 01:42 PM   #59
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    What more do they want to know about me? I am really tired of saying the same thing agin again ang again. I actually hate people digging into my past, and I am sure she will ask a lot abt my past...

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 01:46 PM   #60
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    Re: Sannah, I am losing it again...

    Why would you hate a professional "digging" into your past?

     
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