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  • Sudden Depression Attack

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    Old 07-01-2007, 07:49 PM   #1
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    Sudden Depression Attack

    Saturday my therapist said my insurance only authorized one more appointment. He wants me to continue, but it's expensive. I knew I'd have to quit someday, but this is so sudden. I called the insurance company, but they were closed until Monday. I had nothing to do for the next 1.5 days except obsess.

    I have so little to live for, and everything is being taken away. I was told I had to give up my eating disorder or I would lose my job. These are the two pillars of my identity. I have no close family, and have withdrawn from my friends. Now I may be losing my therapist. This is all I have left to live for. I'm losing everything.

    I cried uncontrollably Saturday. I went through my things and threw some away, others I set aside for charity. I was packing to leave - I wanted to die, but don't know how. I don't want to go into a coma or hurt somebody else. It sucks to be depressed AND stupid. I told my husband, he became angry.

    Parts of today I was OK. Other times tears rolled down my face. I thought going to the gym would help, but I sat at the weight machines and cried. I left a message for my therapist. He would get the message Monday morning (unless it was an emergency, which it wasn't). My husband is frustrated. I asked him if I should go to the hospital or have my therapist paged. He didn't know. (No help there.)

    I drove towards the mental hospital, but came back home. What if they admitted me against my will? I called my therapist's answering service and had him paged. But I felt embarassed to intrude on his Sunday, so I called back and said he didn't need to call me.

    I tried to distract myself with books and hobbies, but couldn't concentrate on anything. I felt so much pain. My eyes are red and swollen and I haven't eaten yet today. I might feel better with Ativan, alcohol, or self-injury, but I'd only feel better temporarily - nothing would change.

    Honestly, I think there's a mistake in my paperwork. I think my insurance covers 60 annual visits, but I can't reach them until Monday. I know I had more than 20 visits last year. My husband said I could go to therapy without insurance. If it cost too much I could go every other week. If I know all of this, why am I so hysterical and upset?

    This event triggered a full-blown depression episode. Is it possible to have a depression-attack? I know there are panic attacks. What about depression attacks? How do you stop them before (or while) they're in full swing?

    Tomorrow morning it's back to work. I'll call the insurance company and either hear good or bad news. My therapist may return my call. If he does I'll feel embarassed. I just couldn't get past this episode. Couldn't stop the obsession and the tears. Usually I'm 99% in control, I don't know what happened today.

    I'm calmer now (but still unhappy). Do you think my therapist will call tomorrow? (He may have waited since I said it wasn't an emergency.) If he calls, what should I say. I'm embarassed that I'm so dependent on him. I didn't realize this until I heard our relationship may be severed. Should I call his office tomorrow morning and remind them that he doesn't need to call me? I'm embarassed that I lost control.

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    Old 07-02-2007, 06:28 AM   #2
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    Re: Sudden Depression Attack

    Maria, it is okay, you don't have to be in control all the time. It is okay to not feel perfect and to be upset and to be crying. It is okay. Please talk with your therapist and don't be embarrassed, please. You don't have to be pulled together to be safe. You are safe..... You are a very capable adult who has done wonderful taking care of herself. You are no longer that vulnerable, scared girl who had to survive all the chaos. Your life is chaos-free now. If only you could see and feel this.....

    Old 07-02-2007, 10:43 AM   #3
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    Re: Sudden Depression Attack

    hi maria,
    you've been going through many "bad" events lately, and you were struggling very hard with those (i've read about your situation) with the last one being this stupid insurance thing--and you simply sort of crashed. i understand how this feels. you had this therapy to look forward to, and now they say it's going to end soon. that would get ME down; actually that would get anybody down!!!!!!!!! and yes, i believe that so many negative events put together can add to the depressive state and make one feel even worse. i really do. i know it does for me.

    however, don't lose hope. if you believe there might have been a mistake in paperwork, do call and see what can be done about it.

    My therapist may return my call. If he does I'll feel embarassed. I just couldn't get past this episode. Couldn't stop the obsession and the tears. Usually I'm 99% in control, I don't know what happened today.

    please, please DO NOT be embarrassed about talking to your therapist about this. you've seen him for a long time now and i'm sure he understands you more than you think. please speak to him. most, if not all, therapists know that patients become somewhat dependent on them. it happens all the time. after all--they are the ones who help us deal with the big, wide world out there. they will not let us slide, especially if they know we're in need, and we're desperate. it's not rigth. and i'm sure he knows that.

    maria, we all have really bad episodes (i'm talking about us, depressives). episodes when we feel like hell. and like sannah said, we don't have control over that. it does not matter!!! you don't have to have control ALL THE TIME, maria. listen, i'm sure that your therapist is there to help. if, God forbid, he'll say he can't help you anymore (just let's say this), he will be able to refer you to someone else who takes patients on a sliding scale, and he can also talk to that new therapist about your past issues and what he has been working on with you up till now. that's the last resort. but, if your husband said you can still go to him, and pay out of pocket, then don't worry so much anymore. it's going to be ok!! it really will. i know words may not mean much to you right now. i know because they probably wont' mean much to me when i feel like i'm in the abyss, but please know you're not stuck!!!! there IS a way out of this! there is!!!!

    i wish you the best of luck with your insurance!!!!! and please let us know how things go!

    hugs and blessings,
    Be kinder than necessary,
    Because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle...

    Old 07-02-2007, 11:21 AM   #4
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    Re: Sudden Depression Attack

    Thanks for your support! I'm doing better now that I'm back at work. The work routine does a lot for my depression.

    After speaking with multiple insurance agents I found that I do get 60 visits per year. The psych office is required to send in a form after 20 visits. That's where the mix-up occured. I was immensly relieved to hear that.

    I left my therapist a message to tell him the insurance situation had been stratighted out. He hasn't called back yet, but he's only been in the office for an hour or so. I know I over reacted but I was entirely freaked out. Usually I can keep it together but somethings are major triggers.

    I took Ativan this morning so I'd be able to keep myself together at work. Some depression is lingering, you know it never just goes away. But, for the most part, I am feeling better. Thanks all!

    Last edited by MariaBB; 07-02-2007 at 11:36 AM.

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