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Depressed, defeated, lonely and ill too, here's my horror story

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Old 08-05-2007, 06:27 AM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Puyallup, Wa. USA
Posts: 81
Unhappy Depressed, defeated, lonely and ill too, here's my horror story

I just joined the boards, and I finally cant take it anymore, I need to tell my story because I am so very depressed, lonely and defeated about my life. I will try and not make this a novel, so I will just break it down into my major life changes since 2002. I have always had pain from 5 car accidents and several falls. I owned a travel agency for 17 years and I loved my job! It defined who I was and I was good at it! I had pain and was working while taking 8 percocet a day. Early in 2002 I got really sick with broncitis and I coughed so much that my bladder fell 90 degrees. I had bladder/hysterectomy surgery in december 2002. 30 days later I was in the hospital with severe pain and cramping in my lower back. My life has been shot to hell since then. The docs finally diagnosed me with Chronic Myofascial Pain Disease and Severe Fibromyalgia. I already had pain from 2 herniated dics in my neck and repeated broken tailbone accidents. I could no longer work a full day. I was leaving work everyday to get home and get my legs up and put ice on my lower back tailbone area. (if I didnt it would cramp up and smasm) Sadly, after all my hard work and struggeling to survive after 911 I had to sell my business in Sept.2003. I found jobs for all 9 of my employees and closed the door to my life. I slept for months, friends and old employees called and I never returned their calls, slowly they stopped calling. I left the house about 1 time a week if that, I didnt shower for days, or put my makeup on. My husband was very supportive, and got me a puppy I named Sophia, which has been a God send to me! We had been married for a year. We had to file chapter 13 bankrupcy, which is completely embarrasing to me. I had perfect credit, but being the major bread winner the loss of income was killing us. I filed for disablity and FINALLY got it in August of last year. In the mean time, my husband had an on the job injury that ruptured 3 dics in his neck that required surgery. He got an infection from the surgery and almost died. He hasnt been able to work since, but is now FINALLY able to look for new work which is hard because he was a blue collar worker and now cant lift over 20lbs for the rest of his life, and he only has an 8th grade education. My depression was so bad after that, that I had to be admitted into a mental section of a hospital for a week. During the week I was gone, my husband who was dealing with being bi-polar and with the same kind of ego hit from not working, gambled every night I was gone! Luckily he didnt lose more than 400.00. He is normally a very caring man. He is always there when I need him. Last year my teen daughter got addicted to drugs and was admitted into inpatient rehab. She has been physically abusive to me while on drugs and it has been a hard road. She is a little better now, staying off hard drugs, but still drinks and worries me to death the entire time she is out of the house. Last August her best friend died and that put her into a deep depression that kept her out of school, and gave her such anxiety attacks she couldnt leave the house. A week after the death, I received 22,000.00 (after paying back my parents for their financial help) from back pay from disability. They are multi millionairs, but believe only in hard work and are not supportive of our situation. Anyway, I got my daughter counseling and did not leave her side from Aug thru Dec. I even had to sleep with her. She was suicidal, and was self mutilating. During that time I was so focused on my daughter, my husband dealt with his issues by continuing to gamble. He said his L & I checks were not coming in and that we were waiting for a final settlement from workmens comp, so we were living off my settlement, which lasted to late november. It was another bleak christmas, no tree, I was able to get my daughter a Tiffany silver heart bracelet, but that was all. Nothing to/from husband and nothing for my birthday on the dec 31st. In February I found out that my husband had been gambling ALL the money! Then he took a bottle of xanax and tried to kill himself. He did it in front of me, so I knew it was for attention. I had him admitted into the same hospital I was in, after they pumped his stomach. He has no health insurance and we are again broke and going to the food bank! Mind you, I had money and traveled the world first class. I was respected, and I am now at the food bank! My parents no longer allow my husband over for family events due to his gambling. (going there alone is stressful because to them I am a failure for quitting my job due to illness) My husband got help for his gambling addiction, and slowly we are patching up our marriage. He is my best friend, but the trust issues remain. This past year has been spent waiting for my husband to get a job that makes enough money to support us. His child support is too high for the types of jobs he can now get. He has 2 boys and the mom has plenty of money from her husband, and we are starving to make those payments. He is on unemployment now, but we just found out that my daughter does not qualify for free medical insurance because we make to much money! Her meds are 1000.00 a month and I dont know what we are going to do! This past week I got a call from some nasty attorney saying they are going to forclose on my home for unpaid association dues. I tried to borrow time from her, as I am trying to refinance my home since I have about 170,000.00 in equity, but they wanted a few hundred now that we just dont have. Then I checked the bank and they charged us 535.00 in overdraft fees!!! It was all from the last 2 weeks, my husband does all of the errands and uses our debit card since it is too hard for me to do that all the time with my pain issues. But his mom was admitted into hospice care and is going to die soon and he forgot to tell me about some charges. That bank charged me 35.00 for an .18 cent item! No charges were over 30.00! I went to the bank and cried (I felt like a fool) and they didnt care!! Now we dont have money for the mortgage, and I am trying to re-fi my home. My credit score is a mess from the bankrupcy a few years ago, and I have paid everything that effected my credit on time since then, but there are a lot of things that need to be fixed, or the interest rate will be to high to help us. This week, my new pain doctor advised he is no longer going to help me. I am on Methadone for my daily pain and wanted dilaudid for breakthrough pain. I have explained that I ONLY take the breakthrough pain meds when I have to leave the house. He told me to "suffer" even though my regular doctor whom I have seen for years quit because her son died, and I have been using these meds since 2004! So, now another hunt for a pain doctor too. I have already seen 17 doctors for various treatments that didnt work well. I cant sleep. My husbands birthday is today, and yes he does not deserve anythng after what he pulled last year, but I wanted to get him a little something, and now I dont even know how we are going to eat. The power company was out to shut off our power and we have to pay an extra 50.00 a week to keep it on. The financial aid is not available right now. It has taken a lot out of me to put this all down. My husband is at hospice all day and when he gets home he goes to bed. My daughter is out with her crappy boyfriend and I am alone most of the time. Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I just dont know if I have the energy to try and fix my credit, and call the rotten bank on monday to see if I can skip my car payment, since they stole that money from me anyway. I am losing my will to fight. I feel so worthless. The people at the bank have not soul!. Oh yea, here is my favorite thing I have to figure out. My daughter is on seroquel to keep her from self mutilating and the perscription was written wrong giving my daugter double the amount she needs, so I split the meds between my daughter and my hubby, who needs it in order not to go off the deep end. (he tends to talk to himself alot, light candles and chant etc...part of his bi-polar and seroquel keeps him in check) I have 1 months worth. Who do I give it to, the chanting husband with the dying mom, or the teen daughter with cutting issues? Fun decisions for me, and in the mean time I am having a huge flare with my fibro. I would love to make some friends here, I really need a hug!.....Kari

Last edited by SOPHIABELLA; 08-06-2007 at 09:32 PM. Reason: spelling and spacing errors

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Old 09-24-2007, 05:48 PM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: St. Helens
Posts: 1
StBt07 HB User
Re: Depressed, defeated, lonely and ill too, here's my horror story

In this world, there are people like you who tell your story, people read and think about things . Now I have read your story I feel rather guilty .. because I know that there are people alot worse off than me, yet I still manage to be depressed =|

Old 09-25-2007, 12:14 AM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Adelaide, SA, Australia
Posts: 10
nathan1987 HB User
Re: Depressed, defeated, lonely and ill too, here's my horror story

now that is a story, i am so sorry to hear it but im glad you have come here to talk about it. i only just found this place and talking about my problem made me feel good even if it was just for the 15 mins writing it and then another 15 lookng thru the boards.

Old 09-25-2007, 12:46 PM   #4
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 1
DeeRailed HB User
Re: Depressed, defeated, lonely and ill too, here's my horror story

I stumbled upon your post, and I can’t help but say something about it. My intent is to be helpful, so please ignore this if I am way out of line.

Firstly, WOW! That IS a horror story! But it seems to me to be full of clues: 1) You were previously a very successful business owner (I’m guessing you have been characterized as an “over achiever” more than once in your life and that there were times when you thought you were unstoppable, and you were probably 100% right at the time); 2) You’ve had an unusual number of accidents; 3) You are married to a Bipolar (Type I – I assume); 4) Your daughter shows symptoms of Bipolar (self mutilation I believe is more typical of the Type II variety); 5) Your parents sound like at least one is/was an “over achiever” (another typical BP Type II trait); 6) You have hit rock bottom and are feeling very depressed and are now searching for hope.

1 – The over achiever personality type is common in BP Type II. Unlike Type I (which it sounds like your husband has), when we (I’m a Type II) are sure we have great ideas, a good bit of the time, we actually do (Type I’s often do too, but when they’re wrong, they’re REALLY wrong, as in gambling). With the added bravado of the “hypomanic” personality, we are likely to be slight risk takers who will start our own ventures, etc.

Depression (which is incidentally usually the only time we ask for help). I would stick to things that make you feel like you and your family can make lemonade out of these lemons until you’re back on top, which I’m sure you will be, if my hunch is right about you. Also, I like to read reviews about books about BP rather than spending the money to buy them (which I do occasionally), because they lead to all sorts of discoveries and insights from others with little financial/time commitment.

2 – I mentioned risk taking, and I’m curious if any of your accidents happened when you were especially driven to get somewhere in a hurry – where it seemed nothing was more important. Type IIs sometimes turn of safety mechanisms when they get overly focused.

3 – BPs of all kinds tend to gravitate to each other. BTW – This is just my opinion, but if your husband is really your best friend, he will understand why he needs the checkbook taken away and needs to be put on an allowance. Most BP Type I's should never be given access to bank accounts – even if they earned all the money themselves – it’s just one of their quirks - they're much bigger risk takers (e.g. gamblers) than Type IIs.

4 – BP is genetic. BTW, I assume your daughter is seeing a psychiatrist. The right ones will give you free Seroquel samples – and I know how much it sucks dealing with the healthcare system when you are having money troubles, but all of you should be qualified for State health aid (trust me, I understand the obstacles, I lived for over 30 years without health insurance – 18 of which since onset of BP, and I know it is challenging, but you have to be persistent about getting the medical attention you need at little or no cost – educating yourself is the key to getting what you and your family need). Also for your daughter, note that BPs tend to be inherently artistic/creative types (writers, inventers, captains of industry, etc), so if your daughter is BP, creative outlets can be especially good for teenagers who need a distraction. If she has a passion for something creative, it could help her get back on track.
5 - A smidge of BP in the genetics? Some hit the gene cocktail jackpot and don't seem to have too much of the downside or are able to effectively hide it, while others in a family suffer from all aspects of the disorder.

6 – As I mentioned before, we never ask for help until depression sets in, but understanding both sides helps make the “over achiever” more balanced and productive, which helps keep the downside at bay. All I can say is, I have been on disability - hit rock bottom, then went through obsessive career building, hit rock bottom again (largely the result of discrimination about my BP, which I keep in the closet now), and now I am on the upswing again – I have my own home-based consulting business (totally flexible work situation), and I am doing all I can to make sure that things stay on the upswing by educating myself.

If none of this even remotely rang true for you, I apologize for my presumptuousness. Now I have to get back to work.

I wish you the best in your journey to find the good luck you so rightly deserve.


Last edited by moderator2; 09-25-2007 at 01:02 PM. Reason: posted commercial websites

Old 10-02-2007, 04:37 AM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: branson missouri usa
Posts: 5
julianna77 HB User
Re: Depressed, defeated, lonely and ill too, here's my horror story

hi, I just finished writing my page and then i saw yours. I left so many details out of mine because i was not trying to seem as down as i am. I read yours and it made me cry to see someone out there going through the same insane stress i am. I pray for you and your husband and your daughter and i wish that i had some good advice to ease your suffering i can feel your pain. I am able to spend only a short time on the computer due to my back 3rd lumbar vertebrea is crushed among other serious health issues but maybe we can be a support to one another if nothing else to let you know i don't even know you but i do care about you. Everyone has givin up on me and i think your family should step up and take care of you and i admire your strength being there for you husband and daughter we all fall short and through all of your stress you are hanging on. I pray that the Lord gives you the money you need to keep your home and get both your daughter and husband their meds. Our stories are different but at the same time alot the same i left much out of mine like the suffering my oldest is going through and so many others. i think the only thing we can do as people is try and be there for one another and as i am having a hard time holding on seeing you making it through what you are i know i will make it to even though it may feel to both of us that we aren't making it most days anyways that is how i feel i do wish you the best. One thing i wanted to mention is if you can see if you qualify for a nurse, aide or someone to come in and help i don't qualify for that much help but even the little takes off some of the pressure at the very least the last thing you need to worry about is house cleaning which is one thing that has helped me during my bedrest the last year. May GOD be with you all, Your friend in Christ Julianna

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