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this just gets worse....

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Old 08-22-2007, 08:50 AM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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nance484 HB User
Unhappy this just gets worse....

so i seen keira yesterday, i never got round to straight telling her im leaving if i dont get my doc to listen. i feel trapped now. im determined not to give up but can only get so far. im trying my hardest mentally and physically but things just slide. im doing all the exercises, talking with keira and reading the book she gave me, im getting myself out of bed and making it into work just about. but i cant keep it up im just sinking further and further down the more i try.

in one job im whats now known to them as 'retarded'. the other, the proper large store i work in, my manager is now watching me, she keeps checking up on me, asking if im ok in a sympathetic voice, says im always on my own and is trying to get me more involved. shes monitoring everything like me talking to customers, serving, she realises for some reason or another im incapable of remembering how to work a register from one day to the next. i keep mucking up even though im pushing as hard as i can but it all comes to nothing. i feel so low i dont see the point trying anymore. they see im not happy, one keeps trying to cheer me up and the others try and paste a big smile on their face when i come in, but their patience is running out but i cant get them to believe my fake enthusiasm,they just arent buying it and i want to be able to do what the others do but i cant-my best just isnt good enough.

i begin UNI in a few weeks and i do not have a hope in hell of managing. its worse than last year. because this is never ending, everyday is a struggle, i feel like its a mountain i cant climb, i feel like just ODing when i get up. i cant sit through lectures, if i do i cant sit still, i cant focus, its entirley hopeless how much i try.

my disability service is also problemed. my notes say depression and anxiety from when my doc wrote them that letter that i was. then she changed her mind and now i may need another letter in order to get my student loan from the disability, but she cannot write a note for something she says i dont have. yet im falling apart and things are just flying out from under me. i may lose the help i really really need, and the £600 allowance that my dad thinks im getting from winning a competition in UNI. i wish she could give me an explanation of what im dealing with because even keira said yesterday that the problems i have on top of it all just dont seem to be the core of it, and we cant fix something if we dont know what it is.

im pushing myself to see my freinds. but i feel like on the outside im laughing but im not really there-im sitting alone in my head just. i cant enjoy it anymore, conversation is scattered and im uninterested, not excited or lifted by them anymore, its tedious. i go home early because i cant keep it up, i need to get away because its exhausting and feel like i just need to sleep.

i dont know what to do. keira says the doctors all have me down as a 'teenager', how can i make them see different. everything in my life is falling away and im screaming and no one will listen to me. i feel so low my body feels slow, heavy and nauseaus, i feel so tired getting dressed takes effort and im unwashed. i eat when i remember to eat and i sleep all over the show. ive tried everything and the only way i can manage is by harming, its keeping me here.

we tried wrting a list of everything im angry at, and we will go through it. im doing it and want it to work, im really thinking hard on it and trying to rationalise everything-but the feelings just wont come anymore, i see the logical side of what i should do but im trying it and i still feel in total dispair. keira was saying i can write pages but still she and the doc can get a lot of stuff but nothing out of it at the same time. she thinks i havent put my finger on what 'it' is yet, why im like this, and that i cant explain.

so now im trying once again with my doc, keira suggested we will work on a letter again. im trying to make it simple and clear. in the beginning she understood because i wrote in bullet points, so im doing my feeling in bullets and then giving reasons that just make it worse. i need her to help me. counslling isnt working, ill keep it up in the hope itll start to move but its been 9 months now, ive been given so much help, ive reached out to so many help sites, another counsellor and friends, ive been writing my arse off, tried exercising, drawing, everything and still nothing is changing even when im putting it all into practice.

keira is trying to figure out why i need my doc to understand-its simple really. shes the first person i opened up to, therefore shes the first that helped and understood, she has control over things i dont like medication, assessments and generally putting a name to what this all is and doing the things keira cant like writing letters for loans, med notes and stuff like that. im doing my bit, i need her to do hers now, she my saftery net of understanding when i cant make it work despite all my efforts, the fact is keira and i are working hard, im putting it all in and get nothing out, when it comes down to it i have nothing left in me to give. i remember she understood and i want it back, it happened once and it can happen again and im determined to make her see again. i cant see another doc anymore, i cant risk being let down again, because i seriously dont think i can handle it, im trapped because i dont trust myself not to do something next time.

so in short im pushed to my last limits and even keira cannot understand why things are not improving, we are stuck and im falling apart and she has an extra option that we have not yet tried. when she said about those meds, you know i never let myself think that was my answer. i was prepared for the fact they may not work but i need to know we are trying everything and anything. even if they helped i realise they cant cure it, i need to do my bit as im already doing, all i want at best is for them to help calm me and focus more, thats all im asking for. its all i can think of when im doing everything i can under the sun just to stay here.

has anyone ever had a similar problem?? anyone ever not been able to find what that 'it' is but have so many problems surrounding truth i feel there is no 'reason' for being so empty, the other problems just built onsomething that was already there. please help, i got back on the horse again but dont know for how long, im trying the best i can do and im still incapable of holding it together.

thanks xox

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Old 08-23-2007, 03:36 AM   #2
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nance484 HB User
Re: this just gets worse....

funny you mention that but no-i never quite got that far. once again someone touches on something and then someone else has a different opinion and we get nowhere.

in my first assessment, the CPN said that she thought i needed an educational psycholoist for my concentratuion and focus problems because a lot of my separate struggles and traits seemed to point towards ADD. so that was on the list of things for me to get started with. one was seeing keira, the next was contacting a harming group which i did, and the other seeing the Educational psych.

but my doc decided that they were dismissing my then 'depression' and trying to fob me off with was never spoke of again until a UNI counsellor mentioned it, but i will get nowhere without back up from a proffessional. so here i am, sitting in ****ing disability now, about to lose it, now having been told i have no depression yet i tick every box, and im failing UNI because of something else i dont understand and have no answer to.

see here how im frustrated. they talk around and about stuff but dont ever put it into practice and get it going, we never do anything about these nagging problems, im doing my best to manage it all but i just feel like everyone is sitting back when i cant get counslling to make me feel any different. this is the best i can do.

and its difficult when i cannot counsel myself to concentrate. im a messy scatter brained person in general. i forget things, i forget conversations, i go into my own little world all the time,, i cant follow instructions, i cant sit and focus, i cannot get organised for the life of me, i write notes and forget were i put them, forget what its for, forget to look at them. i do rediculous things like trying to light a *** i forgot to put in my mouth, claiming the bath is broken when i just forgot to put the plug in it. i can go into a place and not have the faintest idea how to get back out, a car crash could happen infront of me and i wouldnt notice.

it prevents me from being able to manage everything else. like my jobs for example, im so stupid in it, im useless because i cannot do anything no matter how much i try,. this all just makes it seem more hopeless-it feels like school all over again.

a guy i talk to on the net that works with abused people asked me once if id been tested for ADD because from what i was saying about me and just how i am at times highlights it. he has told me that the whole counselling and all may not be able to even be put into effect if i dont get sorted about this problem. i try my best to not think about that and be positive telling myself if i try hard enough i can do it-but it doesnt work like that, i cant control concentration it just slips out from under me.but i dont know what to do, and im never implying i have anything to my doctor-jesus thatd be a hole you just dont get out of then!

thanks, xox

Old 08-23-2007, 08:46 AM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 557
nance484 HB User
Re: this just gets worse....

hey sannah. well see keira doesnt really do psychs or nothing. she hates them herself for giving ****** diagnosises on the fact shes a trannsexual. but i know if got a diagnosis shed understand me.she has this look when i say i want an assessment and to try again for understanding, says she doesnt think itll help but at some point feels im gong to be sent for another assessment sooner or later. its just i hate chasing it up-i already appear absolutley determined to the end of my days to have an illness-it just gets worse the more i try and get help, its like walking backwards. im terrified to say it to my doc, she has 'counselling' stapeled to her brain and believes this will cure everything even though in her face she knows its not working but has no answer so thats what she says-'counselling'. all i can think of is hinting to her that i cannot organise my thoughts, that im incapable at work and UNI and i dont have the push i used to because of this 'depression' we dont mention anymore.

one thing thatd cause embarressment and i think theyd see through me for is that when i return to UNI in a few weeks, i have an appointment with disability officer on the 7th of sept. i meant to talk to them about how my diagnosis has changed to **** all, but i still need the help, but student finance need an explanation and i have none. the UNI counsellor said that they do eductaional psycholists there-maybe i could explain my problems and theyd suggest i see one.

i just feel i can see the problem, i dont like chasing names but im sorry its staring me in the face even when i try and deny it myself, too many people have commented and i cant beleive that im just naturally 'retarded' as some like to call me, there has to be a reason that my trying comes to nothing and i cant just organise it all.

i feel its an open window into getting things to move, all i want is the ability to organise my own thoughts and then maybe i can start moving a bit. what do you think- how should i go about it?? or say it??

thanks, xox

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