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Going through a bad episode - need advice (kinda long)

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Old 11-14-2007, 09:49 AM   #1
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Unhappy Going through a bad episode - need advice (kinda long)

I was diagnosed with depression a year ago. I had gone through a few bad events that all struck at once, though I believe I already had depression - it's not fully situational. Anyway, I was prescribed Lexapro, and aside from a couple rough spells, I've been improving. When I came back to town last year, I struggled to find work. I had moved to the city and been working and going to school, but right before graduation, my apt. was robbed. I was really upset over it, and the neighborhood was getting bad, so I left. I was in a rut for a few months after - I had a hard time finding work and had only a couple of friends. I was able to get a part-time job working at a local university library. I only got that because my dad teaches there. It isn't much, but it's really helped me to slowly get into the world again. I didn't make a formal arrangement with the librarian - he just said to sign up for a class (you technically have to be a student to work there) and he would put me to work. The fall quarter will end tomorrow. I work at a branch campus, and have thought about transfering down to the main campus after another quarter - I have contacts down there, too, and can get more hours than here. The area is larger, and there are more opportunities there. I just didn't want to rush into anything and thought it would be best to do another quarter here. The librarian assistant, my boss, talked like they wanted me to work next quarter, too. She sent out a group email to all the library workers asking us what shifts we wanted next quarter. I replied, and she said, nice to have you back again. I said that I didn't make a formal agreement w/the librarian and told her about what I'd like to do (which is work another quarter). She responded that they want to hang onto me for as long as they can. She even asked me later if I liked working my current shift, and if that's what I wanted to do next quarter.

Yesterday, a week later, I asked the librarian about this week - to make sure it was the last week we'd be doing our normal schedules. We go on a long break until Jan. 3., though my boss had sent out an email asking if we'd like to do some intersession hours, since the library will still be open some during break. I'd said I'd like to do this, but never heard anymore about it. Librarian said that they wouldn't be taking any student workers during this time, but would I be returning next quarter? I said yes, and told him about my talks with boss. He said, yeah, we'll try to get you some hours. I don't understand this at all. I mean, I know he just hired me as a favor to my dad, but I felt I was doing a good job, loved the work, and just assumed from my convos w/boss that they'd have me back. I know the job is not much, but it has really helped give me something to look forward to. I enjoyed most of the people and it was just enough hours for me. I was hoping to find something else more full-time in town, but I haven't. I also have been doing some hours for a former professor - she has me do filing and research projects for her. I had hoped to do this all just a few mons. more so I wouldn't have job hopping on my resume, and maybe I'd find something locally instead of moving again. I don't know, I just feel really let down. I felt like I've done a good job - I'm reliable, hard-working. I'm not as talkative and suck-upish like some of the others, but that's not my nature. My dad suggests emailing my boss and asking, but I don't want to be pushy. Maybe they don't even know about schedules yet, but I'll be worrying all break about it. If anything, I wanted something steady to have on my resume. I've been crying on and off since last night. I could barely keep it together at work - almost blew my cool with these two ladies who insisted on staying past 9:00 even though they were warned twice that we close at 9:00pm. That's as close as I've come to having any problems w/people, and I wasn't even rude. I just sighed quite a bit when at 9:05 I was still checking out this lady's books and counting the multitudes of crap she'd printed. I wasn't really bothered, but the janitor was trying to clean and turn the main lights off, and kept looking at me like it's my fault. I admit I don't enjoy working with the people that much, but I've done reasonably well with it, and really, the people part isn't that involved. It's mostly just processing things. Anyway, I wasn't able to sleep but 3 hours last night. I've been sobbing on and off all day. I don't know how I can be calm and cool during work tomorrow. The librarian asked to make sure we'd both be working tomorrow (the other girl is not coming back to work next quarter). I'm so afraid he's going to say something like we won't be able to have you next quarter. This job has been the only bright spot this past year. I've been stuck living with my parents, my brother is coming home for a week from college in 2 days. So, I have to deal with my mom fawning over him, meanwhile I'm usually treated like a nuisance. I don't like change and I'll end up having to share the upstairs with him, meaning no privacy for me to sulk and cry. I don't have any close friends to talk to. I haven't been having suicidal thoughts, but I've had a lot of very negative thoughts about myself - "why am I here, what is my purpose? Nobody wants me around." Also, negativity about humankind in general - I've never been into people because really my dad is the only person in life who has always been there for me, supported me, cared about me. I thought about talking to my doctor - I had a re-check appt. recently, and since I've been doing better, I won't go back till 4-6 mons. He said if anything changed, I felt worse, than to let him know. I cut back my Lexapro to 5mg and have been worried about repercussions from that. My doctor hasn't been much help, though. I don't want to go to a therapist. My Dr. will listen and it helps to talk to him, but I was just in a week ago. What should I do? I don't want to be like this, but my life never stays positive for long. Bad luck always seems to find me.

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Old 11-14-2007, 10:18 AM   #2
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AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: Going through a bad episode - need advice (kinda long)

Gosh for one thing you over think something to death. Do what your dad said to do and be done with it. You are an adult that likes her job and you need to let people know that you like your job and want to do more and if you don't tell them then what are they to think? If Dr. has decrease your meds and you think it is too soon then increase back to what it was....just don't fret on it. Your mind is making you miserable and you have control over it so speak up. You don't have to be a Chatty Kathy but golly you do have to stand up and be counted and that wouldn't be 'pushy' would be seen as some they would want working there. As far as the ladies staying late...well sometimes we just have to suck it up and just keep pushing them towards the door...if you have to tell them things like the janitor is trying to get his work done or you have another appt. or whatever just do isn't your fault and don't read into what the janitor is thinking. The 'look' I am sure was in just total frustration with these two ladies. Stop crying and email who ever you need to to explain to what you want. Good luck to you. Whatever you do don't over think it.

Old 11-14-2007, 10:37 AM   #3
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MariaBB HB User
Re: Going through a bad episode - need advice (kinda long)

Sunshine, I'm like you. I place a lot of value in my job and feel it's a major part of my life. I, also, don't like working with people and often feel uncomfortable and inadequate around others. I'm often called over-sensitive. Whenever something goes wrong at work, or merely seems to, I blame myself. Everybody seems better and well-liked than me.

I've spoken privately with my boss recently about something that was bothering me. Nothing changed, but at least my boss knows how I feel. I'd let the boss know how much your job means to you and that you really want to stay on. Maybe it will help.

For me, when a bad depression spell hits everything seems much, much worse. Maybe your doctor can adjust your meds? Otherwise, try to think in terms of the depression spell isn't permanent. Hopefully when your chemicals adjust (or whatever) you'll feel better and be able to think more clearly.

Last edited by MariaBB; 11-14-2007 at 10:40 AM.

Old 11-15-2007, 12:59 AM   #4
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Re: Going through a bad episode - need advice (kinda long)

i overthink things WAYYY too much also. i start to feel like i just want someone to tell me what they think, what the answers are because i'm so tired of trying to figure it out. it's hard for me to tell if people really like me or are only faking it/pretending. i start to worry about it and feel uncomfortable and then just shut down, which i'm sure doesn't help. it would help so much to meet and connect with people who really "get" me but it's like i'm so depressed i don't try and the cycle keeps repeating.....i never really feel fully comfortable or "ok". i think i used to...but lately i've been so depressed i can't tell up from down or whats normal from not-normal.
i agree you should reinforce to them that you want to keep on with your job. and good for you for having a steady job -- i've been looking but have been to scared to go out and actually DO it. so be proud of yourself. try and stay positive - i know it's hard.
post more if you need to and good luck

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