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    Old 06-09-2008, 02:40 PM   #1
    leoball80
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    How do I not blame my parents?

    I have so many problems emotionally. I believe OCD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, anger...the list goes on and on. I find myself literally in an angry/irritable mood the majority of my days EVERY day. I find that I snap the most to my parents. I am 20 years old, I live at home and am socially isolated from the world. I have been for a while now, and it is due to my eating disorders and depression. I don't want to be around people, I hate them and I don't want to be bothered (take no offense to that). When I journal my feelings....it ALWAYS comes back to my parents. What they did wrong, what they should of done, how can they be so irresponsible and not caring?? Whenever I write, I come to the conclusion I am this way BECAUSE of the way they raised me. I am so angry and upset that my parents seem to be the cause of all my problems, which is something I didn't even realize until I started writing.

    Example: I knew I had problems for years. I BEGGED to go to a doctor and they 'never got around to it'. They would say one thing, then months would go by and I would be like 'ok WHEN am I getting help?' They would say 'we're working on it' months go by, nothing again. I don't have a job, I don't go to school and I don't even want to ever leave the house now because my problems are too much for me. I have lost contact with ALL my old friends, and don't care to get in touch again. And why? Because when I asked and asked and asked for help, my 'PARENTS' sat on their ***'s ignoring my problems and making it seem like it is no big deal.

    So now again, I am 20 years old and I take a ton of my anger out on them (I do this to a lot of people sadly but mostly them). Because in my mind, I justify it. I justify it by saying "why should I be nice to them? They are the reason WHY I am angry and moody and if I got help when I asked I wouldn't be the way!" On top of them not getting me help, they have made many many mistakes which are far too long to list. Point is, am I right or wrong in this situation? And HOW do I stop doing this?? I have told my mother many times I blame her for why I am this far gone, and she comes back with "it isn't my fault you're this way, you're an adult now it is your responsibility". Which is of course is true to a degree because I AM an 'adult'. But when I was a teen was when I asked for help and never got it which LEAD me here! I go to circles in my mind on whether I am in the right or in the wrong. But either way, I don't want to hold this anger towards them. Though, the more I hate my life, I hate them. Because I know why I am this way.....God what do I do?

    Last edited by leoball80; 06-09-2008 at 02:41 PM.

     
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    Old 06-09-2008, 04:52 PM   #2
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    It sounds like you are not taking responsibility for yourself. If you blame others for your problems how are you going to ever start taking control of your life? You need to accept the fact that yes your parents might have made some mistakes BUT that's what human beings do. Forgive and move on. Don't dwell on the past. You really need to move beyond the self-pity and start thinking, How can I change myself? What steps do I need to take to become a happier person? Maybe talking to a therapist would help.

     
    Old 06-09-2008, 05:54 PM   #3
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Stop worrying about what your parents did or didn't do. Tomarrow is always a new day and if you don't get out there and get help for yourself and start working on your issuse in 10 years when your 30 you will still be living at home blaming your parents. Parents ALL parents make mistakes they just as you are not perfect. They may have had other things going on that you didn't know about that caused them to not be able to make appointments or like many other people with depression could have been a bit of a hypocondriact<sp> it is quite common.
    Your 20 why have you not been seeking help for the past 2 year that you have been an adult? You have to get out of your house to get help as you have found out there is no getting better as long as you remain isolated. Trust me I had Agoraphobia for a long time and finaly just made the decision to start doing something about it and now I get out on a regular basis go shopping without panic attacks and visit friends and family. But it all starts with the first step and no one says the fist step is going to be great or wonderful or perfect as a matter of fact my first one was a disaster, but I kept on making that first step again and again and eventualy got better.
    Good luck and I hope you start moving forward with your life.

    Huffle

     
    Old 06-09-2008, 06:50 PM   #4
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    I think you are doing the right thing by journaling how you feel. That is a great start. What I would do is try to locate a doctor / therapist that can help you with your situation.

    Nobody can really diagnose what is causing your depression.. Only a Psychiatrist/MD is qualified in doing this. I would not discount your parents as being a major influence in your situation. I am not saying that it would benefit you at this moment by lashing out or yelling at your parents. Some people might say you should just forgive your parents as they are human too. That is so much easier said then done if you are traumatized by what your parents did or does. For me, forgiveness is very hard. I am 48 and just did not realize how much resentment I have for my father/mother. My story in a nutshell is two fold. I was sexually abused by a friend and the "biggest" issue was the abuse I witness all of my childhood of my father mentally and physically abuse my mother. To this date... I am not able to forgive my father. I am able to talk about it .. but actually forgiving is a different story. So everyone situation is different. I pray every night that God will give me the grace / power to forgive him. I also need God's help that I get my own forgiveness for not being able to forgive. Only with God's grace can I achieve either.

    God bless... May you find peace..

    Bodie


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by leoball80 View Post
    I have so many problems emotionally. I believe OCD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, anger...the list goes on and on. I find myself literally in an angry/irritable mood the majority of my days EVERY day. I find that I snap the most to my parents. I am 20 years old, I live at home and am socially isolated from the world. I have been for a while now, and it is due to my eating disorders and depression. I don't want to be around people, I hate them and I don't want to be bothered (take no offense to that). When I journal my feelings....it ALWAYS comes back to my parents.

     
    Old 06-09-2008, 07:47 PM   #5
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Parents do their best for their children. You have to accept that. It's hard, I know. I feel anger towards my parents for some of the things they did, too, but it's a waste of time. Feeling anger towards them isn't going to help me feel better.

    You owe it to yourself to do what's going to make you feel better. Journalling is a good thing to do to get your feelings out, but it can become quite destructive if all you're doing is writing about how bad your parents are. Move on from it. Do something to make your life better. It might not be seeing your friends, you're obviously not ready for that, but doing some exercise or taking up a new hobby. I know it sounds like a cliche and you probably don't feel like that either but it can make all the difference if you've got something you like doing to look forward to.

    It's too easy to sit in your own problems and wallow on how bad the world's been to you (I do it myself sometimes) but it's not going to help you. Be good to yourself. Help yourself. Your parents are probably very worried about you and don't know what to do to help you. I know I'd be horribly worried if one of my children was feeling as bad as you are.

     
    Old 06-09-2008, 10:29 PM   #6
    leoball80
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by huffle View Post
    Your 20 why have you not been seeking help for the past 2 year that you have been an adult? You have to get out of your house to get help as you have found out there is no getting better as long as you remain isolated. :
    Because I was never taught to drive, I dropped out of high school and have no money/medical coverage. It's a lot easier to get out of the house and go to a doctor when you're able to drive, but I am trapped. I understand what you all are saying and I get it. It's just, I don't see how I can forgive them for ruining my life. I understand they are people and they make mistakes but that just doesn't make me feel better about the fact they were so careless (still are) towards my problems, that my father chose doing drugs over me and my brother...etc. Like someone on here said...I would LOVE to forgive them but inside I don't think I ever could.

    Last edited by leoball80; 06-09-2008 at 10:31 PM.

     
    Old 06-10-2008, 09:09 AM   #7
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by leoball80 View Post
    Because I was never taught to drive, I dropped out of high school and have no money/medical coverage. It's a lot easier to get out of the house and go to a doctor when you're able to drive, but I am trapped. I understand what you all are saying and I get it. It's just, I don't see how I can forgive them for ruining my life. I understand they are people and they make mistakes but that just doesn't make me feel better about the fact they were so careless (still are) towards my problems, that my father chose doing drugs over me and my brother...etc. Like someone on here said...I would LOVE to forgive them but inside I don't think I ever could.
    At this point in time it is not about forgiveness. It is about getting yourself healthy and in a good frame of mind. In most states/counties there are medical programs for people without the money. I know they are not the best but they are there. Through these programs they can hook up up with some sort of social services to get you to and from appointments.
    From reading your past posts you have been on different medications so you are getting medical help from somewhere. You just need to keep up with them and even if you don't feel better in a week or a month keep taking them they take a while to start to work in your system.
    If you just stay bogged down in this whoa is me you will not get anywhere and you may just as well get happy about living in the same conditions that you say were so bad growing up. It's time to shoulder the responsibility for yourself. As good or bad as your parents are at the age of 20 they are still putting a roof over your head and food in your mouth with you not working they are getting nothing financialy out of this. But they are helping you.

    Huffle

     
    Old 06-10-2008, 09:49 AM   #8
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    What is past is past. What you are going to do for yourself now is what matters. Blaming your parent's only keeps you stuck. It is up to you to make your life the way you want it.

    Find low cost counseling. ( I don't have insurance either)
    Take a bus.
    Get out of the house and exercise.

    Our son was like you. We did take him to counseling as a child and helped him the best we could. It wasn't enough. He was very angry and blamed me mostly. I was the one who was most involved and yet it didn't help so it was my fault. He lived with us until he was 27. He then decided that this was no way to live and moved to Colorado. In the year he has been out there he has gotten kidney stones (no insurance) and his apartment was broken into and set on fire. He is still there.

    I hope you don't waste your life in anger. Let it go for your sake and do what you need to do for you. Godbless

     
    Old 06-10-2008, 10:37 AM   #9
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    I agree with the others. While yes, parents do have some influence on us as we grow, the rest of the world/peers/and ourselves influence what we become. Driving isn't the issue; most high schoolers are not that fit to drive, the insurance is sky high so most parents cannot put their kids on their insurance even if the kid gets a license or buy the kid a car and maintain it for them.

    Therapy and drugs for depression is also extremely expensive. You probably don't realize it, but your demands for that and driving might have been too much expense for your parents. But you are lucky like one poster said, they still provide you with food and shelter. I know people who have declared age 18 as the age their kids must move out, period. Personally, I couldn't do that to mine and lucky for you, neither can your parents.

    But keep harrassing them and someday they might feel forced to....

    If you have an eating disorder, that could explain anger because hunger and lack of fuel will make you irritable and angry due to dropped serotonin levels (yes, serotonin comes from food not a pill) and dropped blood sugar. This also could explain not wanting to get out there and do something with your life. You see, you are at an age where your parents have no authority so now you are in charge of your life and will have nobody else to blame if you don't make the most of it, so do it.

    Take the bus to work and save up for a car like most adults do. Do not use depression or any other excuse because, I hate to say this but it's the truth, although many people might feel sorry for you, most of the world really doesn't give a crap and you may find yourself old, poor and with no way to live and it won't be your parents fault if that happens.

    You are actually very lucky your parents feed and keep you despite your self admitted abusive attitude you have towards them. They must care for you more than you think.

    Don't waste your chances to be something. Work towards a job and car, and apply for student aid for college which will open up alot of possibilities for you. You are young so make the most of it while you can.

    Try a little fish oil, a great natural antidepressant, for the depression; also, exercise has equaled Paxil and Prozac in effectiveness in studies. So get moving and get out there before it's too late.

     
    Old 06-10-2008, 11:05 AM   #10
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by huffle View Post
    At this point in time it is not about forgiveness. It is about getting yourself healthy and in a good frame of mind. In most states/counties there are medical programs for people without the money. I know they are not the best but they are there. Through these programs they can hook up up with some sort of social services to get you to and from appointments.
    From reading your past posts you have been on different medications so you are getting medical help from somewhere. You just need to keep up with them and even if you don't feel better in a week or a month keep taking them they take a while to start to work in your system.
    If you just stay bogged down in this whoa is me you will not get anywhere and you may just as well get happy about living in the same conditions that you say were so bad growing up. It's time to shoulder the responsibility for yourself. As good or bad as your parents are at the age of 20 they are still putting a roof over your head and food in your mouth with you not working they are getting nothing financialy out of this. But they are helping you.

    Huffle
    Thanks for the reply. Well I don't actually have a real doctor. Their are medical people online who have given me pills over the internet but never in person. I know people are going to say never buy pills online, but sometimes you do what you need to do in order to get help. I also used to take a pill that my uncle gave me that he was prescribed because he has the same things I do..but it had no effect on me. I understand where you guys are coming from, my situation is rare and complicated. I know staying angry will only hurt me and not them. I do believe some of this anger is genetic as my mother has a very short temper as well. But I am in need of change and am willing to try.

    Last edited by leoball80; 06-10-2008 at 11:06 AM.

     
    Old 06-10-2008, 11:09 AM   #11
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jennita View Post

    If you have an eating disorder, that could explain anger because hunger and lack of fuel will make you irritable and angry due to dropped serotonin levels (yes, serotonin comes from food not a pill) and dropped blood sugar. This also could explain not wanting to get out there and do something with your life. You see, you are at an age where your parents have no authority so now you are in charge of your life and will have nobody else to blame if you don't make the most of it, so do it.

    This makes a lot of sense. My eating problems have been hurting me for my whole life, honestly I have been a binge eater to anorexic from obese to underweight. I am just so fed up that I still cannot control it. I go through binge.starvation periods..and it SEVERELY changes my moods. I will be so angry one second, crying hysterically the next. It is horrible. I will try fish oil pills like you said.

    Last edited by leoball80; 06-10-2008 at 11:11 AM.

     
    Old 06-10-2008, 01:44 PM   #12
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Wow! I love your honesty. Be glad that your anger is not covered up with brainwashing, which is the case with most people. Other people will never say that your anger is justified and legitamate, but it is...it IS the child within you that feels that way, she IS that way. Your task is not easy. Imagine this angry child taking instructions on how to navigate adult life within your neighborhood and city...feels impossible, I know.

    There is great dignity in being in touch with your true self, even it is very disturbing and even if the price is very great. The field of psychology is filled with authors who feel this way.

    Get under a Doctor's care with your county. I pay less than $20 a month for my doctor, therapist and medications.

    What feels bad and horrible in our lives should be owned and prided, too, as other parts of our soul. Learn to love all of yourself, that is the only way.

    PS. Parenthood is the only place where experimenting on humans is allowed. Your outrage will slowly change the more you see how common outrageous parenting is, that is, you will find many who feel the same way as you do about your parents. After some time, you will feel better about asking yourself, "what do I do about me, now?" All this is not a deteur, or, "interuption" in your life.. this is your life and you are not alone.

    Last edited by Blu9; 06-10-2008 at 01:52 PM.

     
    Old 06-10-2008, 02:16 PM   #13
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Blu9 View Post
    Wow! I love your honesty. Be glad that your anger is not covered up with brainwashing, which is the case with most people. Other people will never say that your anger is justified and legitamate, but it is...it IS the child within you that feels that way, she IS that way. Your task is not easy. Imagine this angry child taking instructions on how to navigate adult life within your neighborhood and city...feels impossible, I know.

    There is great dignity in being in touch with your true self, even it is very disturbing and even if the price is very great. The field of psychology is filled with authors who feel this way.

    Get under a Doctor's care with your county. I pay less than $20 a month for my doctor, therapist and medications.

    What feels bad and horrible in our lives should be owned and prided, too, as other parts of our soul. Learn to love all of yourself, that is the only way.

    PS. Parenthood is the only place where experimenting on humans is allowed. Your outrage will slowly change the more you see how common outrageous parenting is, that is, you will find many who feel the same way as you do about your parents. After some time, you will feel better about asking yourself, "what do I do about me, now?" All this is not a deteur, or, "interuption" in your life.. this is your life and you are not alone.
    Thank you very much for your reply. What you said really did hit me, especially when you said that it's the angry child still in me. I feel exactly that. As a child I WAS very angry and often showed it partially because I couldn't control it, but also I think it was a way to lash out at my parents and maybe get their attention. I still feel that way. Maybe if I am angry with them, they will care and listen to me. I never thought I could still be carrying around the anger I felt as a kid for not being there for me.

    One thing that scares me a bit is, I still feel like I am a teenager. When I was 16 I dropped out of school and became isolated. I never changed, I only got worse. So although I am 20 years old, I really still feel like I am 16 years old.

    But really thanks for the advice.. it helped

     
    Old 06-11-2008, 02:45 AM   #14
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Hello. Just reading these different replies. I had a very hard time not blaming my parents too.

    I always felt very unwanted. Unloved. a nobody. i wanted attention from my parents so much that i got into shoplifting thinking that would get me attention. it didn't. i always blamed them for how i am now as an adult. i'm in my 40's. it wasn't till i got to the raging point a while back that i had to get help. i know its not easy. believe me i know. it took everything in me to admit to myself that i needed to get help. i finally started talking with counselors and found the root cause of my depression and how i was feeling. alot of it has to do with how i grew up. feeling unwanted. then the death of my parents. blaming them for leaving me like this.

    to make a long story short there comes a time when we have to start looking after ourselves and doing something to help ourselves. i still feel like a teenager at times. wishing my parents were more supportive. more loving. just to hear them say "i love you" would of made a world of difference to me. but i never heard it. never got hugs.

    i started with counseling at my church. it was short term but it was free. that was a starting point for me. perhaps there is a church near you you could check out. i'll tell ya right now....its won't be easy. its a long hard road to regain your life back. i never regret talking with counselor. i found out alot about myself i didn't know about and now i understand myself better. they also encouraged me to see a psychatrist. i take fluoxitine and it helps alot to balance out the chemical part of my body so i can cope better.

    the past is never going to change. but you have the future to look forward to but only YOU can make it happen. i found a hobby i love. that helps alot. i try to go for walks 3-4 times a week, when i'm not working. anyway i guess i'm just saying your not alone and you can do it but you have to want to. nobody is going to do it for you.


     
    Old 06-11-2008, 12:05 PM   #15
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    Re: How do I not blame my parents?

    Well, I think sometimes it's hard to pinpoint what's what and why. I think there are truly some parents who should have never had kids, they just don't have the love to give but usually those types show it pretty good by abuse and abandonment.

    Then there are the parents who want to parent maybe too much by being incredibly strict and controlling; they may care but make life hard and can cause many insecurities in the child.

    Then you might have the parents who don't communicate the real deal; in other words, their pride may make them look like they don't care but in reality they can't emotionally or financially handle a difficult child.

    There is the parent too who feels a child with problems reflects on them as parents and this might explain avoiding the issues to avoid feeling responsible...even if they are not. I mean, my own kids do things/have views I never taught or instilled in them, they learned from others so or made up their own minds....so I learned, when for example my mother in law wondered about something they did or didn't do, I'd say hey, I didn't teach them that. It's the truth and I learned to let go of guilt. Maybe some parents can't do that but I did.

    Then you've got the parents who have no idea how to parent, or listen to the wrong sources of information or even the right sources who may end up not right for that particular child. I mean, sometimes tough love works, sometimes it doesn't.

    I'd say if a parent at least looks like they are trying, give them a break. They may just really be having a difficult time being a parent, period, it's so hard!!

    For example, I had a controlling mother....so when I had kids, I vowed to be the opposite. Well, it seemed to work for awhile but as they got older they still had complaints about me and tended to try and walk all over me. I found myself having to defend my reasons for every little thing!

    I've been so patient but sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have just been the type to say "because I said so!"(man I hated that) rather than trying to be so understanding. Now my kids are sort of controlling me; however, I am learning to say no and stand firm on some things....although they do get their way alot but I suppose at least we all still hug, I feel sorry for the poster who didn't get that.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is parenting is hard and very complicated and really, even kids who are treated like gold still seem to find criticism. But at the same time, there are parents out there that should have never had children as they can be uncaring, abusive and downright mean with their kids.

    I do see both sides. But I believe if there is at least some evidence of love and caring or support, then there is hope. I think there is hope in this case of the original poster because passive parents are not always uncaring, they maybe just do not know how or cannot do what is expected of their child.

    I hope leoball can forgive parents for not being perfect and give them the benefit of doubt that they do care in some capacity. I think if leoball also gets going and gets out and tries life, maybe mom and dad will be encouraged to participate and help out more? Because right now, it seems they are avoiding the problems, maybe they really can't face what the situation is, don't want to acknowledge or deal with it, and are hoping you'll just get out of it. Maybe deep down they are feeling powerless and guilty that you are the way you are. They can act indifferent about it as a shield to avoid the pain over it.

    At least help yourself get out of the situation otherwise find yourself in this very place 10 or 20 years from now so leoball you have to make a decision if you want to stay and have things as they are or make some changes...good luck to you!

     
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