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Can someone please help me understand?

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Old 08-16-2008, 10:34 AM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 2
SmokeInATree HB User
Can someone please help me understand?

Hello everyone...I never posted here before, but I do believe it's time to give it a try.
I have been living with depression for most of my life. I am a 20 year old girl and I'll just sum up some thing's that are relation to my depression....(I'm hoping someone could see this and give me advice or help me understand how to live when it seems everything else has failed....)

- At 13 years old I started to get bad anxiety attacks and missed a lot of school because of it. I kept telling my parents I felt sick, but instead I felt depressed and too "nervous" to go to school. After a year of lying about feeling physically sick, the doctors kept me in the hopsital for testing. Once they found nothing was "wrong" they had me meet with "a different kind of doctor." I only saw him three times when I told my parents that was enough and I was "all better".

- I pretty much kept quiet about how I felt after that but a few years later things took a turn for the worst when I was rapped by a family member. I also kept this a secret in fear of what may happen If I told. What was one just a nagging sadness inside my head when I was 13 turned into full blown
depression. I started to act out in ways by cutting my hair, dying it black, wearing different clothes than I usualy wore. Then one day I cut myself.

- The cutting happend more often as time went by to the point where I had to hide my arms due to the scars and scabs. It fianlly got to the point where I asked my mom if she can help me find someone to talk to about how I felt depressed (she didn't know I was cutting, just saw the sadness).

- I got set up with a doctor and though I've met her once a week for 5 months, I didn't even tell her about the cutting or the rape. Just mostly talked about how I felt and I didnt know why I felt that way. She suggested I'd take medication for the depression.

- I started taking 10mg of Paxil and over a 7 month period I was taking 60mg's, along with atavan for anxiety. The paxil worked for my anxiety but did nothing for my depression. I started to abuse my medications and other drugs. It got bad when I started to "double-doctor" to get sleeping pills. I did this for almost a year and by the time I got caught I was taking up to 7 sleeping pills a day, along with paxil, weed, and a handful of different meds.

- I was given the choice to either be charged or to enter an addiction program and get tested once a week to make sure I was clean. I accepted the help, and I did the program for the full 6 months. I also told my parents about the rape and they were very supportive of me.

- About a month out of the program my boyfriend Of two years which I have been living with kicked me out and broke up with me over an fight and misunderstanding. Once that happened if felt like the old me came back in a blink of an eye. I started to use again, I started to cut again, I went downhill fast.

- Soon after I tried to commet suicide by cutting my wrist and taking a handful of sleeping pills. Somehow though, I got myself to the hopsital. I guess it was out of fear? Once there, they sent me to a hopsital for the "mentally ill". After being on suicide watch and getting talk treatment there, they started me on Prozac.

- The prozac gave me more anxiety than I've ever had so as soon as I was out of the hopsital I stopped them on my own. I moved in with my mother and from there I got back up on me feet again and felt ready to go back out into the world. I moved to another part of the country to start over.

- I felt like moving here was the best choice I could of made. I soon started to forget about my old life and I actully felt content and happy with things...until recently. This whole month has been pretty rotten. The cravings are back, the depression is hitting me hard, anxiety, mood swings, everything. I have talked myself out of cutting almost every night for the past 4 weeks. I just don't know what else to do.

It feels like I keep hanging on to something that will eventaully break. It's pretty much a hopless ride for me, or so it seems.

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Old 08-16-2008, 10:56 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,365
AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: Can someone please help me understand?

You are having a tough time right now and I can only suggest you go to a therapist and tell the truth to. How can anyone help you if you don't tell the whole story. You are playing games by keeping back information that would certainly impact your therapy and help with your recovery. Finally telling your mom was a good start however it put a big burden on her and she isn't trained to help you ..she is your mom and I can only imagine she is desperate for you to go to someone with the expertise to help you. You do seem to need to be on medication but for one reason or another you won't keep taking it. If any one medication isn't working or makes you feel strange then tell your therapist and change it to something that does work ...instead you just stop or you abuse it. You can move/run away all you want but you and your problems will follow you because it is a chemical imbalance that you need to fix in order for the world around you to be ok. In order for you to get better you have to Stop lying to the therapist and start with the whole truth(half the truth is a lie) and if you start to abuse the medicine then go to NA(narcotics anonymous). Those are things you can do to get better...just talking about it won't change anything. Good luck.

Old 08-16-2008, 11:23 AM   #3
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 2
SmokeInATree HB User
Re: Can someone please help me understand?

Hello, thank you for your reply to my post. However after reading my post over and reading yours I realized that I missed one other issue. I told my mother after I told the therapist while I was in the addictions program. The program was indeed NA as well. From there, me telling them, they had no choice but to bring it to the police since at the time I was underaged.

Now there is a court date for a rape charge on the family member coming up that I have to be on trial for. As you probably can guess there is more anxiety from that thought alone.

As far as taking the medications I do agree with you. I am considering talking to my doctor again very soon.

Thank you.

Last edited by SmokeInATree; 08-16-2008 at 11:24 AM.

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