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    Old 08-26-2008, 12:25 PM   #1
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    Horrible Depression

    hi ppl, 3 weeks ago I started having really severe depression with anxiety. I don't mean to downplay other ppl's depression issues on here but I feel like mine is so severe. I've dealt with depression and anxiety in the past but this is OFF THE CHART. The first few days this started I couldn't eat, I would try to sleep but have panic attacks constantly and wake up drenched in sweat. I feel like everything seems "different" my suroundings and just me in general. I just stayed in bed all week, scared and completely hopeless. I managed to get out to see a doctor which prescribed me lexapro, and I'm so scared to take any medication so I haven't started it yet. I also seen a psychologist who thinks that eventually this will go away if I make myself do things to get my mind off of it. It's been 2 1/2 weeks now, I feel a little better I'm able to get out of bed and go to the gym, work, eat a little but I still don't feel happy or enjoy anything. I feel like I'm stuck in this depression, the more I think about how I feel the more anxious I get, the more depressed I feel. Has anyone else gone through this? Will I ever be the same again?

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    Old 08-27-2008, 08:19 AM   #2
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    Hi Katee,

    I went through a similar situation in my early 20's. Panic attacks can put you on a different plane in this world. It is a very difficult thing to have happen to you. I made it through and came out OK in the end with eating properly, exercise, talk therapy, and taking steps to eliminate the major stressors in my life. All of these things were key, but I think the major stressors in my life were the biggest factor. I felt like I had no control over my life, so I changed that. Journaling also helped because not only did it allow me to get everything out of my head, it was put it on paper, so I could sort it out. I had two different journals; a daily one and one for when I was having panic attacks. I didn't read the panic attacks journal again until just a few years ago (I'm 34 now) when my mom started going through the same thing and I offered her my journal to help her understand and also lend some coping techniques. Going through that experience holistically was empowering and gave me strength, but it took awhile. I am sorry to say that I have not been as strong this time around because the stressors in my life are kids and my husband and my job and just everything rolled up into one mess. I haven't been able to pick through as well as I did when I was young and single. I did rely on meds this time a bit. If you feel you need something, what your doctor gave you is not bad. Lexapro is a good antidepressant with pretty minimal side effects. I took Celexa for awhile and it was very helpful. In my opinion, SSRI's aren't bad. I would stay away from the SSNRI's, though, like Cymbalta. Xanax was/is helpful, too. I takes the edge off and can really help with the panic attacks on a situational basis. This is my advice based on my own experience. Keep in mind that everyone is different and each person handles things differently. I am not a professional, this is just my opinion.

    I am sorry you are going through this. It is a very hard situation to get through, but it can be done any you will be stronger in the end.

    Hang in there!!
    We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

    Last edited by Capecodgirl74; 08-27-2008 at 08:20 AM.

    Old 08-27-2008, 09:43 AM   #3
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    Thank you for the advice

    Old 08-28-2008, 02:04 PM   #4
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    Originally Posted by katee44 View Post
    ... I've dealt with depression and anxiety in the past but this is OFF THE CHART ... I managed to get out to see a doctor which prescribed me lexapro, and I'm so scared to take any medication so I haven't started it yet.

    It sounds like you are going through an extremely horrible and depressing time. But how bad do you need to feel until you feel bad enough to try medication?

    Depression is not just a state of mind -- it is a physical problem as well. The medication will help with that.

    I would like to share the experience I had with my psychologist who is a Ph.D. A few years ago I was in a really really really bad place depression wise. We never spoke about the medication I was taking (also seeing a psychiatrist to get my medication). I think many psychologists have the mind set that "their way" is the best way -- meaning psychotherapy and that is all -- "let's get to the root of the problem and it will go away" (which is so not true). Anyway she always wanted me to "do something." Join a group, have people over, exercise, etc. etc. The only problem was my depression -- a major roadblock to wanting/feeling/having the energy to do anything. I didn't have the energy or wherewithal to participate in life let alone anything extra.

    So I would strongly suggest not only seeing your psycholgoist but also a psychiatrist (not for therapy but for medication). They can work with you to find the best type of anti-depressant for you because I highly doubt your psychotherapist will push for any type of medication.



    Old 08-29-2008, 12:48 PM   #5
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    Hi Katee44

    I've just read your post.

    I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I can only say hang on in will get better, however we have to be kind to ourselves.

    I'll tell just you my experience:

    I am just emerging from a really bad bout of depression. I acknowledged a few years ago that I had suffered from depression from early childhood -( I just thought I was just miserable and that I didn't feel quite right in this world).

    I'm now 47 and for the past five years I have been on this merry go round of functioning really well from about Aug/Sep only to crash again round about Feb/Mar. As my eldest son said to me during this bout....'when it's good it's good but when it's bad it's bad' - (he was referring to life at home).

    I hate medication and what has happened in the past is that I would become depressed, stop functioning and when things got really bad I would drag myself to my doctors, go on anti D's, take some sick leave from work and 'get better'.

    As soon as I started functioning again I would gradually decrease my medication and then stop, fooling myself that I was now well.

    The last time this happened I vowed I would not succumb to depression again as I thought I was aware of all the warning signs and could somehow prevent it from engulfing me yet again -but it did!

    To cut a long story short, I started to take antiD's again and this time around, I continued to work (I literally dragged myself to work) and came home and sat down. Take - aways replaced home cooking and I would put only the clothes that we needed for the next day in the washing machine even if it meant only one pair of knickers! The state of my house? I will leave that to your imagination.

    I've been on annual leave for the past two weeks - my house is tidy, the washing is done and I'm back to cooking home dinners etc.

    The real test will be when I'm back at work next week, however I realise that I need to take my medication for as long as.......???

    If I had a broken leg would I try and walk on it without a plaster cast? Just because it's my mind that seems to be 'broken' why do I resist taking any medication, expecting it to heal?

    However things really changed about two and a half weeks ago when I started taking magnesium taurine 400mg as well, following the advice from a member of this forum, whom I shall be eternally grateful to. I literally felt different the following day after taking my first dose!

    Just be kind to yourself Katee44 and whilst your mind is 'broken' use the 'plaster cast' and any other healing remedies to ensure that you get better.


    Old 08-29-2008, 08:29 PM   #6
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    HI Katee,

    Boy could I relate to your post. Especially when you said "Will I ever be the same again?"... that's exactly what I said to myself last year at this time when I was going through a major depressive episode with panic attacks and anxiety.

    Felt like my world had caved in.... the "I" i knew was gone and I didn't know if "I" would ever return. It was frightening.

    When it hit I felt myself being smothered by something much stronger than myself. A force I could draw in my journals - but couldn't overcome.
    I couldn't eat, sleep or breathe.

    It was dark and enveloping, it kept me awake all night, in despair and in tears and without any joy in anything. I felt disconnected to everything- the world had slipped away from me.

    In a fog I went to the doctor and started on antidepressants. In about 6 weeks time I felt the depression lift enough to actively work on my "recovery".

    My recovery entailed taking antidepressants, working out - a regimen of weight machines and spin classes, biking, eating a careful diet with a lot of organic vegetables and fruits, no red meat, no caffeine and no alcohol, CBT to rewire my faulty self critical thinking, therapy and getting enough sleep.
    I also began doing volunteer work for a cause I believe in which took me out of myself and gave me pride in contributing in a positive way to the world.
    I drew my demons in my moleskine journal, giving them form, names, faces and found cartooning, drawing and painting, which is my natural language, to be very cathartic. And so I slowly returned to my art, an integral part of my being and crucial to my happiness.

    As my mood lifted and the depression disappeared I felt somewhat proud of my success, and the learning curve I was on.
    I am doing well... and I keep to my routine in the hopes of not experiencing another depressive episode and panic attacks.
    It was hell.

    That's some of my story.

    I know you will be better in time. For me the antidepressants work very well- though it did take 6 weeks to see a difference. I was very resistant to taking medication but was desperate. It took care of the panic attacks- thankfully.

    I can't tell you what to do in terms of medication but if you try the antidepressants it may work- and if it doesn't you can try another or wean off them. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is excellent as is talk therapy.
    I do everything because I want to cover all bases :-)

    Keep us posted... many of us know how you feel. I was truly afraid I'd never be myself again but I returned. I still battle anxiety and will have to keep to a strict regimen to deal with the depression but I feel confident and happier.
    It did take awhile though- so hang in.

    When the ride gets too bumpy check in with us here... tell us how you're doing. We understand.

    All the very very best.....!!!!

    Cheers, Sarah

    Old 08-30-2008, 08:32 AM   #7
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    Hi Katee-like you I guess I suffer from depression/anxiety and the rest. I have felt absolutly horrible for the past 7-8 months. This all started for me back in 1991, however, after the birth of my second child. They ran the range of tests which came back normal and prescribed Nortriptyline and Xanax for me which seemed to help. I took that on and off through the years then early last year decided that I didn't want to be on anything any more and gradually my symptoms started coming back. I have no appetite at all - it's miserable to feel not hungry, I'm tired, I get anxious, feel dizzy, feel lightheaded, any symptom you can think of it seems I have. (read my thread on the anxiety section for a full read of what has transpired) anyway, like you, I am very fearful to try any new med. The doctor prescribed Lexapro 5 ml/day which I started just yesterday morning. This morning I took the second pill. I am praying for a miracle and that this works. I am no good to my family - my poor husband and 3 teenagers wonder what's wrong with me and why I just lay around all the time teary-eyed. I used to be a happy-go-lucky person, would work out at the gym and the social-butterfly of my friends, but since I started this second round of feeling yucky, I have done nothing. My advice is to try the Lexapro - start it today and then we can compare notes and see how each other feels - since I only started mine yesterday. They say it takes a couple weeks to kick in. I have my xanax in the meantime if I need it - which I do! Take care ok?? Pray for each other ok?

    Old 08-30-2008, 01:54 PM   #8
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    Thank you ppl for the advice, it really does help to know that theres other ppl out there that understand what I'm going through.

    transcend44 is that Magnesium Taurate?

    Old 08-31-2008, 08:00 AM   #9
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    I feel for you. I was so bad that I asked god to take me with him every day, I just couldn't stand the pain of dealing with the loss of a friendship while I was in such need of it at that time. I would also have panics attacks, one so bad that I was in the emergency room with hole body shocks every 5 or 10 seconds for four hours until they gave me a shot. The next day my whole body hurt. Do listen to your doctor. Severe depression is so terrible and once you are down it does take meds to correct it. From what I have been told by my doctors that your brain has very low Serotonin levels when your that far down and cause memory loss and irrational thinking. Serotonin is not naturally produced by your body and until you get it built back up you won't be able to feel good. I took 30 mg of Lexapro, 200 mg of wellbutin, 150 mg of trazodone for sleeping a day and 1mg of klonopin 3 times a day for my panic attacks for for about 18 mths. I was a total out of it. I still have trouble with dealing with all the stupid things i did while I was so sick just to try to make me feel good. I was also in group therapy and individual therapy, witch helped allot. Don't give up I was finally off all my meds for about 6 weeks and I couldn't believe how good I felt. I started taking 100 mg of wellbutrin because I think I might be having some depression again and I don't want to get bad again. You do need to find out what brought this on and therapy I think is good idea so it will speed up your recovery and keep you from suffering again someday. My heart and prayers goes with you. Don't give up you will be okay, Indychris

    Last edited by indychris; 08-31-2008 at 08:10 AM. Reason: spelling

    Old 09-01-2008, 12:03 AM   #10
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    I think this is an extrodinary set of posts. Really honest and comforting to read. Thanks to everyone. Depression can be so overwhelming especially when you first expereince it and realise what it is. I was shocked and ashamed of my inability to fix myself...It's been hard work but I am proud of my journey so far. My mind is 'broken' too and I took zoloft for about a year and was doing OK. With the support of my D psych I had a break and fell in a heap rather quicky. I think he knew I would but it was a way of reassuring me that I was doing the right thing by taking the AD's. I'm back on the zoloft and beginning to feel like 'l' am emerging again.
    Hang in there all of you. I really do beleive that it's two steps forward and one step back with depression and in the end we will all be better people for it.

    Old 11-07-2010, 06:36 PM   #11
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    Kaytee, I know it's been quite awhile since you made this thread but I feel like I am going through exactly the same problem. I've started Zoloft but it's making things worse. Did you ever get on an antidepressant and if so, did it help? I'm having really bad panic along with my depression. Thanks.

    Old 11-07-2010, 10:21 PM   #12
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    Re: Horrible Depression

    Hey Katee44,
    I was about 13 when I went through what you're going through now. (I'm 19 now.) I was depressed for about 8 months before I got help and things started to get better. Like you I was also prescribed Lexapro. I've been taking it since I was 14 and have never had a problem with it. It has worked great for me. I also felt "different" in my surroundings. Like the home I had lived in my whole life wasn't my home anymore. Everything you said in your post, I went through. I felt like if I said my depression was so bad that I was as you said "downplaying" other people's feelings and troubles. I believe all of those feelings; guilt, worry, "out-of-self" feelings, are all part of depression. And as for going back to how you were before.. well, i hate to be honest with you but I never did. I guess when we get depression we see the world in a different way. We see how dark and horrible it can get. Maybe that's why I've never been the same, or maybe it's just because my depression is genetic (basically there is no way it will ever go away, and maybe you have genetic depression too, or maybe not). Whichever it is, I'll tell you this: Be brave, because by posting on this site I can already tell you are, and take your medication. I'm sure if you're doctor prescribed it to you its not going to hurt you physically. Lexapro made a world of difference for me and maybe it will for you too. Maybe it won't, you might have to try a few anti-depressants until you find out which one works best for you. Just try. Going through all of this will be bitter-sweet. It's a LOT of pain(and I believe you when you say its "off the charts", I know how bad it hurts) but in the end you will come out a much stronger person and much more mature because of it. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. It definately wasn't easy for me, everyday was a struggle with everything. But DON'T... please DON'T give up. Hang in there. I was lucky enough to have friends and family supporting me through those years but, maybe you don't( i hope you do) and if you don't then please talk to me. I love to help people, especially when I've been in their shoes.
    Best of luck and happiness,

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