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just need some input

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Old 08-31-2008, 10:59 PM   #1
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momtobaby1 HB User
just need some input

I am 24 years old and have two kids ages 3 and nearly 2. I am also a full-time student and work between 15-25 hours/week. I have a full load really. I've dealt with depression since I was 13 and have been on incredible amounts of medications of all sorts. In the last 4 years though I've been off medication and had felt like my life was better. Growing up my situation was bad enough I wasn't able to live at home, I grew up in hospitals, group homes and institutions. For me being able to be independent and feeling good and stable without medication was a huge step for me. I felt like I was finally in control. Imagine my surprise then when after the birth of my youngest child I developed postpartum depression. This was nearly 2 years ago. Since then it's been a constant swing of emotions and levels of functioning. I'm not able to properly take care of myself and I know it. I put my kids first and myself last because I have to. I'm not and have not been severely depressed. It's more like a mild to moderate persistent never ending low mood. I go through periods of time that last 2 weeks or so that are worse and then it levels back out. I'm underweight and cannot control this. I have tried but my appetite disappeared about 18 months ago. I've fought this but can't help it. My relationship with my husband has deteriorated because my sex drive is basically dead and has been for a long time.

The reason I haven't seeked treatment or help is because I have a strong aversion now to mental health professionals. Growing up that was my life, it revolved around appointments and therapy and medication. Now I can't stand to think about seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. I did finally make an appointment with a clinic to see a psychiatrist but it's not until late October. I've left it there and haven't tried to get in earlier because I can't stand to think about it. I am a pharmacy technician (am a pre-pharmacy student also) and I work with medications all day and see people with different levels of functioning and it just brings back a lot of emotions for me and I can't tolerate the thought of taking anything, even Prozac.

I'm just so frustrated because I want this to go away on it's own but logically I know it won't. I know I will have to go to this appt. when the time comes and comply with whatever is decided on but it's such a battle for me. My biggest issue is the feeling of a loss of control if I basically submit to these people. I don't want to see anymore mental health professionals and give control over to them.

I have asthma and take several medications daily for that and manage just fine with taking those. I do take generic wellbutrin but not for the depression. I just started it about 2 weeks ago, it's to help me quit smoking. My asthma is not fully under control and the smoking is making things harder. Issue is I'm still smoking and I almost feel worse now emotionally than I did prior to the wellbutrin. I'm not sure how that's even possible. An antidepressant causing a worsening of symptoms? Just doesn't make sense. I felt horrible today at work. Very cranky, apathetic, anxious. I have developed this odd feeling of feeling like I'm just a small fish in a very big sea, if that makes any sense. Like I'm standing still and the whole world is spinning around. This all probably sounds horrible and makes no sense, I've just had a rough day probably.

Any thoughts or input would be greatly appreciated. I just feel entirely lost right now. I'm losing my focus with life. I'm going to school to be a pharmacist, to have a good job I enjoy (which I do love my tech job) that pays well and is stable so I can provide for my family. I work as a tech so I can get the experience I need to get into pharmacy school. My husband works around my schedule so I can do what I need to do and fortunately we've been able to avoid having our kids in daycare. Sometimes though I get so exhausted mentally that I feel like if it weren't for my kids then I'd just give up on this, even knowing that I love my job and want so badly to be a pharmacist. I try to keep in mind that this is why I'm working so hard.

Sorry this has gotten so long. Thanks for reading.

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Old 10-13-2010, 06:05 AM   #2
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joetheman9 HB User
Re: just need some input

You need to do your best to leave the past behind you. That old programing in your mind is a major part of your problems. I mean this is everyones problem... we tend to live in our past programing and can not move on. Your goal is to heal your perception.
How about reading a book.... "Healing and Recovery" by David Hawkins. This book may just set you free. Live in the present. Be Well. JC

Old 10-13-2010, 07:12 AM   #3
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Re: just need some input

I truly can relate to what you're feeling and what you're physically and mentally feeling right now... It's a slew of feelings all balled up into one.

Even though you were prescribed Wellbutrin for a quitting aide to help quit smoking, it still is an SSRI, which is also used to treat depression and there are multiple side effects, sometimes dangerous ones that people can experience while on them.

You my dear,sound as if you're having a serious side effect right now. you sound depressed, because I too have suffered depression mostly all my life, and currently am suffering it while I write this reply to you.

I feel for you and I don't want you to mess up your life and the plans you are pursuing for your career which will be very hard to focus on your school work because Wellbutrin is KNOWN to make the brain feel very strange and weird and hard to focus.
Not all people will experiece this reaction from this drug, but I've spoken with a few people who took this drug and had the same reaction to it.

as a matter of fact.... A co-worker I once worked with came into the office one day with horrible news that her cousins wife had a serious accident falling down the stairs and went into a coma and is now brain damaged due to the fall. she almost died. she was young, had children and all. now all she can do is sit in a rocking chair.
and guess what? I found out she was a smoker and wanted to quit smoking and was on the medication "Wellbutrin" at the time she had this accident. I think she had a seizure while walking down the stairs.
it states in the paper that comes along with the medication that this drug can cause seizures for some people.
so it sounds to me this med makes the brain feel strange.
another woman I knew at another job used it to quit smoking and felt fine on it the 1st week, but eventually stopped it because she couldnt' tolerate the way it made her feel unfocused and just down right strange feeling in her brain.
PLEASE contact your doctor who prescribed you the medication and explain the symptoms you are feeling.

any type of anti depressant can be dangerous and needs to be monitored because of the potential risk of side effects. .depression and suicidal thoughts being two of them. the list goes on of course.

you really sound depressed honey. You have so much going for you and you've gone through a lot in your life that most haven't.
you have also achieved a lot and have some fantastic goals for your future, which you don't want to prevent from happening because of the way you are feeling when it can be helped.

you are very strong and probably just don't realize this right now.
even though strong, sometimes we need that extra help to get us through the tougher times.

please call your doctor...

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